I agree that there will always be differences whether you are with or without husband. Having a child with ad/hd can be stressful in even the best of marriages. I however, never felt that my son was the cause of my marriage crumbling. My problems started way before my child came into the picture. My child is the best thing that came from my marriage. He may have ad/hd but he is awesome! Actually doing pretty well.
I feel strongly though the differences are less destructive for the children if the parents are separated from one another on a daily basis if verbal abuse or any other form of constant battle is occuring. I would rather have my son live in a war free zone. I want him exposed to as many positive role models and positive situations as possible in his surrounding environment.
For some marriage counseling is a great idea. But for many of us marriage counseling wasn't always the best. I was abused and knew that no matter what that would not stop. Once you are verbally and physically abused you learn quickly that your best option is and always should of been to leave.
When you are divorced/separated you choose your battles. You can maintain a civil relationship for the sake of the children. You just have to know when to compromise and or just shut your mouth. At least that is what helping me. When I feel a battle coming on I just say I don't have to listen to that and hang up. My counselor told me once that I had the upper hand. I can allow him to call and critisize my raising of our child or I can just tell him this conversation is closed. I have used that on occasion and have found it works for me. He is starting to trust that I am making the best choices I can for our child's well being. He actually complimented me the other day and said I was an excellent mother. And it was sincere! He is realizing that you can't just let your child run rapid. You have to have expectations and goals. We will never be a family but at least we can both enjoy our son and watch him grow up. Hopefully into a healthy and caring human being. Hopefully the cycle won't repeat for him. Hopefully he will find someone that is his better half and will treat her with the respect and love she deserves as well as her doing the same for him.
Enough for my rambling. This topic really hits home. I know that I made the right decision.
Enough for my rambling... off to bed I go. It has been a long week and I'm beat.
Good luck which ever route you go. Take care of yourself!
anyone going thru this along with adhd child? I know it's bad, we agree on nothing regarding dc discipline.
Not sure dc wouldn't be better off with divorced parents and no fighting. Only making his aggression worse.
Being apart will not make the not agreeing issues go away you would still be arguing with your husband but in a different way. Your son will learn to put one against the other and with you will act a certain way and with dad another. I would suggest marriage counseling to help. It is not easy with an ADHD child. My son is 10 with adhd, I am a divorced mother with two boys. I feel it is the best thing I ever did, for myself and my kids. In the beginning it was very hard because my son was holding a lot of anger inside. Eventually, he he has excepted the way it is, I think adhd children want there parents to be happy, they want everyone to be happy. We are now, in peace and I have a wonderful man who is great with the kids, and excepts them for what they are. What ever you decide, make sure your child is not caught up in the conflict. I also just watched the DVD "The Secret" watch it. You will be very inspired, and maybe watch it with your husband. It is amazing! (Doesn't have anything to do with ADHD, but can help you with your life) I hope you can work things out, without fighting, that really is the best. Good luckYES!! We are actually having a little away time as we speak. My kids think daddy is on vacation but we are trying to cool down a little. We fight all the time about discipline, grades, activities, money, sex, who left the light on.... you name it has been tossed around here lately. So I feel for you. It is a very hard and personal decision to make. I wish you all the luck.mother of 1 i know exactly how you feel.I'm so glad I saw this post. My son just turned 12 and we were doing okay as a family but things have been getting progressivley worse. It seems I woke up one morning and his medication did not work anymore, all of a sudden he was having terrible rebounds. In the last 2 months I've tried 3 different combos, nothing is working. He is violent in his tantrums and mean to his sister. He will hit me and her. I've lost my cool more than once lately. I'm ashamed of this. I have 2 children and my hunband has 2 kids. My 12 year old is the only one with ADHD. The two oldest will be in college next school year. The fights between my husband and myself are about discipline but extends into our daily life. We have no closeness and seem to be at opposite ends of the world from eachother. He can be sitting beside me but I've never felt so alone. This weekend things finally came to an end I think between us. I work in the health field and I've been getting names of good Child Phychologists and I have talked to the child Psychititrist but he thinks I'm not trying hard enough. He want it fixed "now". He does not understand that you can't raise a ADHD child the same as a regular child. He looks at my son and sees him as the root to all our problems. I want him to look at my son and see his struggles and ask himself what we can do to help him. I don't know what to do, I'm at a loss. The fighting is causing more stress on everyone and I aslo feel maybe it would be better to seperate and try to get a peacefull home for the children. At the same time you love this man and feel like a failure cuz you can't seem to make it work. He is also not 100% to blame as we have come to this empass together. I cry all the time. I used to be the girl that everyone thought never stopped smiling. Where did she go? These are questions I need to figure out.
Whatever you decide there are others going through the same thing and you have to believe there will be better days even if they seem so far away right now.
Take Care
I am in the process of divorce. I finally got him to move out after 6 months of non-stop BS, refusing to pick up my sons b-day cake, spending Easter with his friends instead of us...I could go on and on! Its always been bad but its gotten worse and very unstable since Thanksgiving. My ds has been much more aggressive and defiant. Hes a completly different kid at school, thank God, but hes been having some bad days lately. My lil one has gotten nasty too.
I have two kids with special needs that need me 24/7, the last thing I need is their fathers junk added on top of it. Hes undiagnosed so having his clone on 10 running around the house is very trying. I know that this is the best thing for my kids and I also know that it will take a while to get my head out of the water, but its all worth it. Kids need stability and structure...and good role models. If that means to force "certain" things in their life out to get to this stability, so be it.
I think kids are tough and learn from everything. I hope that my boys will realize what a real man is and be better fathers to their kids and not repeat the cycle.
yes i have tried exlaining and no i dont feel he understands no do i feel he cares the symptoms he feels we can teach him to behave. he has gone to dr appts yes but doesnt seem to matter much he lightened up for a day or two.and yes he knows its affecting our marriage, as i said i dont think he cares. but oh well we will survive.Hmm. I'm really being tested on this one. My dh and I have been married 16 years. We were married 9 years before having kids. Never really any big problems. Baby # 1, no problems with her. Baby #2...son came along. Although he's not technically diagnosed, I feel its only a matter of time because he demonstrates so many of the behaviors. Baby # 3 was an accident, now 6 months old and no regrets, but the simple fact of the matter is she takes a lot of time since she's a newborn and it makes things difficult to try and turn things around for our son.
I'm starting to think my dh is actually add (not hyperactive). He's always had memory problems. I mean I could send him to the store with a grocery list, and he'd come home with half the stuff and totally forgot he even had a list. You have to tell him 10 times something for it to stick, if you are lucky. Right now, we have him being the stay home dad (although i know he'd prefer to have kept his job), but with 3 young ones and the cost of day care compared to his salary, it just wasn't worth it.
I've been getting all these adhd books, internet articles, videos, etc...to try and learn techniques in handling our son. And somehow, my dh can't seem to have time to read the things I do. I then have to tell him what we need to be doing. He forgets or then gets mad because I'm telling him what to do. If he'd just take the time to learn, I wouldn't have to. He actually thinks I'm too lenient. I think I'm just more reasonable. There are times he says No when there was simply no need. He seems to say no to everything to the kids, and I disagree with that. I try to decide if the request was reasonable or not before deciding, or I say let me think about it before saying no. We have on occasion had words in front of the kids, which isn't good I know. So, we are trying to talk about it privately afterwards. But, frankly, our son is an energy drainer with tantrums, defiance, banging his toys on the walls when he gets mad, etc...
We're trying 1-2-3 magic, but sometimes I get frustrated because dh can't stop the talking. When I'm alone with the kids I feel I am much more consistent than when we're there together because he can't seem to get it right for me. I try to hold back, but then I get mad because of what all is happening in front of my eyes. For the first time in 16 years, I'm worried about my marriage. We need some alone time and we're trying to make a date once a month, but its hard. I recognize he needs alone time too since he's with the kids all day, so he's going fishing this weekend. But, I'm there with you on the difficulties in getting a spouse to be on the same page.
I have been divorced for 3 years and even though everyone says it gets easier and better with time I have never and probably will never see that. My ex also has oppositianal defiant adhd like my youngest son but will not treat it. He knows that the only way to hurt me is through our 2 boys so he spends a lot of time trying to turn them against me. He is engaged to a woman who is very jealous and she doesn't let him speak with me or make decisions without her input which means everything is a constant fight. I was a bad guy for taking our kids to counseling and putting youngest son on medication to try and turn him into a zombie just so I wouldn't have to deal with him. Finally after they had him for a week straight for first time and couldn't control him they agreed to medication. He is on Strattera 18mg 2 times daily which helps but he like father is very manipulative. He has very low self confidence, seems very depressed and if told to do something backtalks, does only his way and throws fits constantly. I feel as if I am banging my head against a brick wall on daily basis. Don't ever seem to get anywhere. My love for my kids keeps me going. Guess no matter what we can't give up because even though it is very rough sometimes my son is also the sweetest, most loving, affectionate child ever when things are good. They need us as much as we need them.hi twolitlboyz!
Your poor son and you, it sounds like your husband needs to understand just what ADHD/bipolar is.
Have your tried explaining to your husband what your son has? Does completely understand? Has he ever gone to a doctor's appointment with you?
To have a 8 yr old diagnosed with both is hard for both the parent as well as the child. Everyone must be on board. It is obviously effecting your marriage.Does your husband know this? I hate to ask this, but to be blunt, does he care?
Im not divorced but oh god yes we argue, not about everything but about disapline and how to handle my adhd/bipolar son. my husband has been in his life since he was 2 and hes now 8 so hes been here to raise him, but its a constant battle with him as he feels we should disapline everything and i am a firm believer of pick your battles, also i am the one who has (for the most part but not always) calm voice and will ask rather then tell him what to do or what needs done, where my husband sounds like a drill sargent most of the time. We go rounds about this and i have often thought of leaveing just for this reason, my son is miserable enough the way it isAngc,
My son's experience with strattera made him depressed! It was one of the side effects that happens to some.
I would keep an eye on that med. You may need to try another one. That med also builds up in the blood system unlike stimulants, which leave after so many hours.
Keep an eye on him and how he is feeling!
Beth