concerned relative | ADHD Information
vvtundundra39155.43875From an outside observer, adhd can look like lack of disipline. It could be that the parents seem to give in because the conflict or day-to-day struggle in the home was too much. I used to think this about a related family until living it myself.
Meds will not help a child that does not have ADHD so they won't "taint" the picture. But if the child has been correctly diagnosed, then they can help dramatically.
These parents may protective of thier situation due to the well-meaning but sometimes misplaced criticism of thier child and how they are raising said child. It is hard to be open when you keep getting criticism and no real help.
Behavior modifications can do a lot towards changing ADHD like behaviors for the better, but if it is true ADHD, will not be enough to totally eradicate them....that being said, meds without proper behavior modifications won't totally change ADHD behaviors either. The meds are not a magic fix, and I think all parents whose children are on them will attest to the fact that we also have to have regular routines and consequences...to stay on top of what needs to be done and when...to help our children work toward the ultimate goal of keeping track of all of this on their own, we need to be actively teaching responsibility and organization....cause and affect...
chasesmom7939154.3274884259
Having a child participate in cleaning up after themselves is pretty standard teaching of logical consequences. I do not know what to make of a 15 yo that is not watched closely for his/her safety. But then these are pieces of a picture that is hard to know based on a few small pieces. What do you think causes the parents to respond in a "dull, lifeless" manner?
Many times parents try to emulate the parts of their parent's parenting that they felt was good and try to avoid the emulating what they felt were thier parent's bad parts. My parents were excellent and I have a lot to live up to. My husband works very hard not to raise our kids in the same manner as he was raised. Sometimes he goes overboard in his efforts. He remembers the conflict at home and tries very hard to avoid that with his kids.
As I've gotten older I tend to view the world as pretty grey (not so black and white) and try not to assume I know everything from the parts that I see (I recognize that there is probably an iceberg under that tip). My sil had let her boys run constant circles around her (many, many years ago). It was hard for my husband and I to understand why she never seemed to discipline them. I later found out that she was trying to compensate for a husband that was overly harsh with the boys (which I will not get into), and of course none of us knew anything about the ADHD that further complicated thier lives. She was doing her best with what she had. It might have been better had I tried to help her by watching them from time to time and giving her a break, and been more involved with thier day-to-day lives. Instead, I held back (was busy with school and starting career) and just stayed out of it (we did not live that close either).
A positive reinforcment behavior plan like ograms marble system or 1-2-3 magic works well for these kids. They get that alot better than negative reinforcement. It is funny that we can see the value of useing positive reward system to train the animals (dogs and birds for us), but had to have it pointed out that kids learn better with this type of system as well.
Sorry that this rambles...but that is how I am today .
vickie39154.7338888889tundundra is leaving the building!tundundra39155.4402893518The best way to approach is to ask questions about ADHD, and direct the parents to resources that you have located.
Only people who are knowledgeable on ADHD offer helpful information. General advise on discipline is not helpful; it only demonstrates ignorance.
Parenting isn't the hardest thing you can do. But parenting and ADHD child is.
It's a huge mistake to assume that one positive response to discipline demonstrates how the child is capable of acting consistently. This is totally misleading.
ADHD is a neurological condition. Do some research. You will find the same statement over and over: ADHD is not caused by bad parenting.
NoTellin39154.7079282407Is the child 15 months old now? Seems a little young to be throwing ADHD out there just yet.
I think that was relaying a past experience...
I am kind of confused, but I, too, have raised children for over 26 years, and been in the daycare field for many years as well....and in my experience, it is normal for a 15 month old to push boundaries when able to and test limits....and not too normal for a baby of that age to be very effective at cleaning up their own messes. Oh yes, you can tell them to clean up, but let's face it you are going to be doing the bulk of it....they are just not cognitively capable, and expecting that of a toddler is a bit harsh....the parents should have been watching more closely that is true as someone else said, but at social gatherings it is difficult. You want to visit and socialize and there are just so many new tantalizing things to get into as a toddler.
I agree that one successful time out is not indicative of a response that you would get once that child got more comfortable around you. Or you just may have caught them in a moment when they were not in the mood to push that envelope....who knows.
The best thing for you to do is to educate yourself on ADHD. These children want to be good, but the impulsivity that is a major trait of the disorder keeps them from accomplishing that most of the time. Mom and Dad are probably just tired of getting the 'bad parent' vibe that most people put off when in the presence of an ADHD child....and let's face it, parenting a child today is much different than parenting a child 20 years ago. Things have changed, social norms have changed, methods have changed....
vvtundundra39155.4409953704I sent you a PM....vvtundundra39155.4413657407When I mentioned educating yourself, I never intended for you to use that to be the child's therapist...I only meant to educate youself so that you could better understand the different behaviors, and symptoms of the disorder.
What you may not understand is that the mother of the 11 year old, may have indeed spent the entire trip preparing that child for what to expect and how to act, and because of the nature of the disorder, all of her preperation flew out of his head in his excitement upon arriving. The uncontrollable impulsivity of ADHD may have prevented him from taking the time to assess his surroundings before running into the house despite any prep the mom did on the trip....that is the frustration as a parent. You are doing everything that you can think of, and it still does not work! The child is telling you that they will do it, they will try to behave (and they really mean to, and they want to...) but the disorder just prevents them from taking the time to stop, remember what mom said, and then act appropriately. Despite all mom's effort and the child's good intentions, it falls through.
Then you add to the frustration of all of that, the frustration of seeing disapproval in others eyes....the feeling that in their eyes, you are just not trying hard enough, not parenting enough....
It does look like lack of discipline, but it is usually not. These kids don't respond to typical discipline methods. The problem is that in certain social situations that are highly stimulating, it's very difficult to control. Sometimes you have to let it go. What you can get under control within 2 minutes at home, can be very challenging to control at a birthday party for example. Social get-togethers are generally a lot of work. LOTS of other factors generally have an impact that makes things very difficult. For example, cake, ice cream, and soda. Everyone else is having eating it, and you cannot very well keep your child from it. Well, this type of food just magnifies the ADHD behavior. Even having and ADHD child reject the food being served and then being hungry has an effect. Then there's always the foolish relative who decides to wrestle, or make faces, or generally work the child up. When someone does this, I just throw my hands up, and think to myself, why should I fix an out of control situation that you created? There's just too many environmental factors that are out of the parent's hands in some social situations.
The parents are probably protective and not open to discussion because they are well-versed on ADHD and have tried a myriad of approaches with the child. Not to offend, but I have found the opinions of relatives useless. I know far more than they do, and have spend endless hours researching and trying different things. I will not waste my time trying to educate them because it is time-consuming and does not benefit me. They take in what amounts to sound-bites and then formulate opinions---as if raising a normal child is anything remotely like raising an ADHD child. You have to live it to get it. Period.
If the child does not have ADHD, then the meds won't work.
vvtundundra39155.4394212963
Just wanted to add a bit to what others have said above.
Like others have said ADHD meds will not really help a child that doesn't have ADHD. What seems like "protective and not open to discussion" to you may simply be, they don't feel ready or even wanting to confide in some or all others or are tired of being judged as bad parents or parents that don't disipline correctly according to people that do not live in their situation. I am not saying this is the case, just suggesting possibilities. Most often the whole picture of whats really going on is not seen by others, esp when as you said, the occastions you are together are not often at all. Lack of disipline does not cause ADHD, however these kids need structure, consequences and often meds to help with ADHD. Hope this helps
I know, personally, that we would let a lot of our son's behavior slide during social situations in order to avoid a horrible scene- either way (letting it slide or creating a scene) it can look like lack of discipline.
Do you know if the child is getting therapy? One of the first things our son's therapists did- and this was 5 years before diagnosis- was to help us work out an effective behavioral system. I would have to assume that any good therapist would work with parents on this.
It is really ok....your posts are indicative of most people, and not bad..
tundundra talketh too much, hey?tundundra39155.4450925926If you want to send her here, you can always go back to your posts, click edit, and delete as you please.vvtundundra39155.4418171296vvtundundra39155.4426157407Now just imagine how the mother feels. So overwhelmed, and feeling all the vibes coming off of people....loved ones....who just don't get it...maybe she tried to get his hand...maybe he was faster than she was...maybe she is just so beat down by life with an ADHD child that she had not enough energy to chase him down yet again.
You need to understand that my child is ADHD...and never has he been a behavior problem, in fact most adults love him and I receive comments all the time on his grown up demeanor and vocabulary...his preschool teacher called him "her little man" lovingly. I have no experience with a hyperactive ADHD child, but I can sympathise, knowing what I know of ADHD impulsiveness and forgetfulness...that coupled with uncontrollable energy must be an almost unstoppable force.
I really think that you cannot ever "get it" until you have lived it....
Yes, there are parents that use an ADHD diagnosis (either valid or no) as a crutch, and a reason to explain away all bad behaviors. Yes, there are sometimes ineffective parenting techniques in play. Yes, sometimes well meaning parents have an off day as well as the child having an off day.
And Yes, there will always be people from the outside looking in who will never "get it".
The best thing to do is to be supportive, not judgemental....it is good that you care enough to try to get it at least.