Visit Back Home Was a Bust | ADHD Information

My 2 girls and I (hubby stayed home with our new puppy...wish I would have, too!) had been looking forward to visiting my mom back home for months.  We only see her a few times a year and she wasn't able to come down this past Christmas because she was sick. 

So we drove (in that NASTY snow storm that hit the eastern seaboard on Friday!!!) up Friday.  It's about a 10 1/2 - 11 hour drive.  Took 12 hours with the snow we hit in Pennsylvania.  Oh well....a DVD player in the van is a God send!!!   We got to my mom's about 7ish.  Things seemed to go okay Friday night, with just a few rude episodes from Megan (she's 7 with ADHD/ODD/possible bi-polar and on 15 mg of Adderall XR which seems to be working very well at school). 

Saturday, it was not a great day.  She had some good times, but generally was rude and mean spirited.  I could tell my mom was getting peeved (to put it politely).  We went out for St. Patrick's Day to a few places and Megan was a bit rude in one of the places, but only to me.  She's not often rude to anyone other than her family or at school (well, doesn't that just about cover most places!!!).  We ended up going out for supper.  We ordered our drinks and hadn't even ordered our food when after another of Megan's rude streaks, my mom stood up and said that she couldn't take anymore, got her coat on and left!!!!    So of course, my 9 year old (who is an absolute angel in my mother's books....she believes the sun rises and sets on her and that my husband and I are too hard on her at times due to Megan's problems ) ran after her outside.  Sigh.....

So I see my mom and my daughter at the road and my mom is wildly signally....my daughter comes running to me and is bawling her eyes out that my mom is going to walk home and said that she can't take any more of Megan's behaviour.  I desperately needed a drink at that point.  So off we all get into my van, with my older daugther almost hyperventilating and my younger one crying that everyone hates her.    We drove around the block and got my mom.  I got out of the van (the fact that they had just gotten 6" of snow and she had slipped twice in one block also convinced her to get back in the van) and told her that it's taking the patience of a saint to sometimes put up with Megan but that her medication isn't the be all and end all.  We still need to get her on some drugs (guanfacine is my choice, but my ped won't prescribe it and it's another 2 weeks before the psychiatrist I want to see takes new patients!) and blah, blah, blah.  She was telling Megan (in a snotty tone back to her) to stop and I just looked at my mom and mouthed to just let it go and she said that I had told her to shut up.  God give me strength.....

So things seemed fine then.....we got drivethrough and went back to her place to eat.  Megan still had a few episodes that night and the next day.  She's just very rude and mean to me and her sister sometimes, but I just ignore it or treat it very lightheartedly as yelling back or getting snotty back to her just escalates into a screaming match...been there, done that.  Not something we need to do in a store or a senior's apartment building where my mom lives!

Sunday seemed to go okay.  More or less.  I went to visit one of my best friends with my youngest because my oldest didn't want to leave her grandmother.  Imagine that!  So we spent about 3 hours away.  We even borrowed a skiboard and the girls went sledding for the first time and had a ball.  After their 2nd time down the hill, my mom was ready to go, but I let them each go 4 times.  It's not like we were on a schedule!  AND we were in a warm van!!!

So we left yesterday with the normal crying.  I got home last night and called my mom to tell her that we were home.  I could tell that something wasn't right, but she kept saying that she was fine.  Okeedokee then.  So I called her today to talk (I'm very close to my mom....I call every day and usually 2 or 3 times a day!).  I could tell right away that something wasn't right and asked her what was wrong....she told me in a broken up voice that anything she said to me would drive us apart and she needed to collect her thoughts AND SHE HUNG UP ON ME!!!!  I was crushed. 

So, although my mom knows my youngest's diagnosis, knows she's on medication but that we're trying to get her more meds to help with her ODD - which I've often told my mom about! - and counselling, I know that she thinks I'm just a bad parent and that I let my child walk over me and my older daughter.  I know she'll find some way to make this about me ignoring my older daughter's needs.  I know she will.  But she doesn't see the extra things I do for my older daughter because I KNOW she gets the short end of the stick sometimes...especially with attention.  I do special little things for her, buy her little things that I know she'll like...things my mom doesn't see.  All she sees is Megan's moods.  And she was so short with her answers to her Sunday.  She was very abrupt. 

I'm so sad that my mom feels this way.  Because you can't SEE a disability, no one understands what's wrong with her.  And it's not like she's wearing a sign.  My mom just can't seem to comprehend that my daughter can't CONTROL her moods!!!  I just needed to vent.  I'm so crushed about this right now.  But I'm going to Bunko tonight (a dice game a group of women play...sorry guys) and I very well think a drink will be in order!!!!  I'm going to send her some information to read because I darn well know she hasn't done any research on her own and I'm going to email her best friend who's 25 year old daughter is bi-polar and have her try to have a talk with my mom about rages and stuff like that.  Until we get her on an optimum dose of meds and counselling, there is little we can do.  Sorry this is so long.  I just needed to get it off my chest.

 

Kelly H39161.5773958333

I hope things get better kelly, I know how it is (from the other end of the deal, I am the mom of the adult daughters) to be on the outs with your adult child.   My oldest (ADHD) sometimes gets a bee in her bonnet about me and cuts me off for weeks at a time.  This means that I don't see the grandkids.....  Hopefully, as some time passes, she will be able to see things with some reason, and not out of emotion.

(((hugs))) to you, and I hope that drink hits the spot!

Sorry to read your post Kelly. It is obvious that your mom knows nothing about what your daughter has and what your struggle with.

I personally have NEVER depended on my family  for anything. When my son was young, my father had a real problem with him. Now that he is older, 9, and is very smart academically, he is proud of him and very patient.

I still don't ask for anything, help, etc. but both mom and dad have come around. It took a long time, but they did.

My son has never spent a night over there house, dad never took him any where, but took all the others places and over night. I cried a lot, but it made me stronger.

I would give your mom her space and let her think about what she saw/heard. She saw the way your life really is and it bothered her.

Be patient!

Best wishes

Beth

 

kelly, I know that this has to be very difficult.  I think though that you are doing the right thing.  Sending your mom information and  having her best friend talk to her is an awesome idea.  With time she will come around.  You keep loving those girls and taking care of yourself.  By the way isn't Bunco fun!  It is a great stress releaser.    The drink doesn't hurt either. {{{{Hugs}}}} It's sad when your own mom won't back you up. I wouldn't hold my breath until she comes around to understand your point of view. I don't think kids who are traveling are at their best behavior anyway. She could have cut you a little more slack, dont'cha think? Anyway, we'll be visiting the girls' grandparents over spring break. Our strategy has always been to get them outside running around, and restaurants aren't a good idea for my dd either. Tenex works pretty well for us, so I hope you get to try it out. Good luck!