How would you handle this? | ADHD Information

I have seen so many of the children be victims of stigma, labelling and bullying and i think that this type of approach of telling other children about adhd is great, and you should be proud of this.

it is also true to say that although other kids eventually forget it is the adults that the stigma remains with, resulting in exclusions from birthday parties etc.

parents i have spoken to also have experienced the general public pulling faces, especially when out shopping if their childs behaviour isnt 'the norm'

what will it take for people to not make such hast judgements on someone they know nothing about. 

 

Baileys39170.5985763889"parents i have spoken to also have experienced the general public pulling faces, especially when out shopping if their childs behaviour isnt 'the norm'"

What is normal anyway? I get so frustrated with onlookers that have nothing better to do than to comment on what I am doing wrong with my child. I would like to know where they get their qualifications anyway. Cause if they know everything than why am I paying a Dr. to help me and my child when obviously they have all the answers! (Just a funny thought!)
This isn't always an option, but what helped my son in first grade was a
"fresh" group of friends, the kindergarteners. He had pretty much gained
a reputation as "that weird kid" with his peers, but the younger kids that
share the playground at recess didn't know any of that, and since he is a
very young first grader (late October birthday) and immature on top of
that, he fits in better with them anyway.

Hello all, My sons babysitter did the best thing in the world for him.  She sat all the kids down one day and talked to them about handicaps and diseases.  She asked them if they new what cancer was and diabetes and expalined it to them.   She explained that some kids lose their hair from chemo etc.  She then asked them what they should do if a child in their school got sick. They all said they would "help" the person who was sick and wouldn't make fun of them.  They would try to be their friend.  She then explained that what Wyatt has is kind of the same thing.  It isn't his fault and he takes medicine. She explained that sometimes he needs help and he needs friends.  Well at age 7, Wyatt thought that was cool because he is "special" and now the kids (at least the ones at the sitter after school) are all better to him.   It's not perfect but at least now if one child makes fun of him because he wet his pants the others are quick to defend him. 

 

 

And one more thing, I found that even though the kids forgot, the mothers didn't. I know they have my son still labeled and always will, even though they don't even know him.

I agree. My son had a rough first grade socially and BOY! do those moms remember. He's now in third grade and some of those women act like it's just time before he commits some horrible crime, even though his teacher tells me he's always kind to the others and is very generous and caring. One mom in particular acts like her little angel wouldn't misbehave if his life depended on it. BUT, when you see her boys out in other situations, you realize that they also have no personality whatsoever. They stand next to each other and watch what's going on, while she stands there looking superior and smug, when really she should be wondering why her boys aren't participating in activities. 

I think, Mom2, that you definately need to take some action. Request that the school send home informational pamphlets (sympathetically written;some are grossly inaccurate) about adhd to the whole school (to avoid any spotlight on your son), try to start a parents-of-adhd-children support group in your school (this might provide an avenue of friendships), discuss ways that the teacher can be proactive in helping your son to socialize.  It would be my inclination to start thinking about alternate schools for the future. Academics are important, but all that other stuff, the LIFE stuff that kids remember long after elementary school is over, that stuff is sooo much more important to who a person is and becomes. Good luck to you both!!

What a good idea to sit the kids down and explain, I did it when my daughter had cancer, and was getting ready to lose all of her hair, and she had no problem with being teased. They have a great Charlie Brown video about it, too bad they don't have one for ADHD!(we should make one That was in preschool when she was 5. If kids are educated about things and can understand it somewhat then it can help.I would talk with his teacher and see if she has any idea's also. One more thing I want to mention is maybe if your son apologizes to the kids he has hurt and had problems with maybe it would help some too. He doesn't have to go into great detail, but something brief like he is sorry and he takes meds to help and its working better and it shouldn't happen again. You can sit down with him and help him come up with something and have him practice it.

Of course, none of these are a cure all, sure wish it was, but it may help.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

I think you did a great thing supporting your child.  I wish I would of thought of that.  My son has been the bad guy and I know that it is on his off days of meds.  Unfortunately you cant explain this to the whole world but at least if you can get one child to understand I think he has an allie.(spelled wrong sorry, brain tired)

I think you did great!

My son had a tough time once first grade began. He made it through kindergarten with the kids, not the staff, but really suffered in first grade. That was the year we began medication.

Once he leveled off on the meds. and the teachers helped us in second grade with this, the kids forgot. Believe me the kids are cruel. They would say things to him in front of me. Once when he was sick for like a week in first grade a rumour was spread that he was sent back to preschool. A girl came over to me and asked me if it was true. That really broke my heart.

Now he is in 4th grade and with his medication, he is fine. We have no playdates, but in 4th grade I am not sure if they really happen. I know you have the clicky mothers who can't do any thing alone that probably still click. But I always wondered if their kids wanted to play with each other or was it because they were stuck with each other.

I strongly believe that these children will forget, but because of finally getting to the right med and dosage, his days are successful.

You need to get your son's meds correct so he too can be successful. He doesn't realize his impulsive actions and his "bothering" ways.

Keep in mind our adhd'ers are socially behind maturity. That too could be happening as well!!

Get his teacher involved so that she too can help with the other kids, he needs that for his self esteem! He just wants to play and be accepted!

And one more thing, I found that even though the kids forgot, the mothers didn't. I know they have my son still labeled and always will, even though they don't even know him.

The best part was their kids blaming mine for things they were doing and trying to get away with it. The teacher found out, along with the principal, and kids got in trouble, but never were labeled as my son was.

Sometimes the parents are worse than the kids, and they act like their children are such angels.

Beth

one trick I have found and I work full time is take a vacation day, show up at school and go to recess and take some pictures. Take some portable cameras and let the kids take pictures of each other.  Seems the kids "accept" my son for a day or two after I let them use my camera to take pictures of other kids.  They think I am a cool mom and then they like him til he does something mean again.  LOLif you set up playdates can you do something really cool with them?  like go to a zoo, park whatever little ones like to do?  I also found when my son had a friend over all the kids wanted to come over also.  They kept asking me if they could come over even the ones he didn't get along with :)

This has been an issue for us as well.  It hasn't gotten better and he is now 11.  He has a few "friends" but they tend to be the other kids who get in trouble.  This past summer we took another kid with us camping, and that worked out well.  We have been very honest with his friends and that seems to help some.

Yes, I think sometimes the kids can be help during difficult moments. My son has had problems with some when he tries "overdoing" it and being too clingy. I have had to tell him that he should have many friends, not just one...I have seen mostly the girls want to give him a hug when he gets emotional or is stressed out about something.I think the boys sometimes have a hard time not knowing what to say or do. Glad to hear that your on your way to a solution..

I agree with finding the help within the children in the class! Sometimes they are your best advocates!!

My son is in the fourth grade and was having trouble from a classmate at lunch. They have assigned lunch seats. After Christmas break they reassigned the class's lunch seats.

Every day at lunch one of the boys decided to pick him apart for everything, down to the food he eats, even made fun of the boys he was assigned to sit with before they moved everybody! (My son and this boy have never really been friends, just around each other with sports, school)

Well the other boys stuck up for my son, who doesn't really stick up for himself, he is into ignoring the person.

To me that says a lot! The other boys thought this boy was horrible, said things to him, like what your saying to my DS makes no sense, etc.

Well we went to the teacher and told her the story, including about the other boys sticking up for him, she spoke with DS to get his version, as well as the other boy and ended up moving the other boy so he sat next to the boys my son used to, the ones he made fun of as well!

 

[QUOTE=mayohun71]I would definitely do something if I were you because it is a big deal and we as parents should do our best to protect them, even from 6-7 year olds [/QUOTE]

Trying to figure out the best way to help my child is the reason I asked the question.  Sometimes staying out of a situation and letting it resolve itself is the best way to handle something, and sometimes our intervening is the best way to handle it.  In this situation, it's a tough call which is the better way to handle it.  So, I agree with your statement above, and I'm so glad this board is here to help me sort out this issue.

[QUOTE=BETHANN]

And one more thing, I found that even though the kids forgot, the mothers didn't. I know they have my son still labeled and always will, even though they don't even know him. [QUOTE]

I've found this to be one of the most painful parts of ADHD.  Last year (kindergarten), my child wasn't yet diagnosed so obviously not on meds, and he was having problems throughout the school day.  Most of the kids would be annoyed by his actions at the moment they were happening (rightfully so!), but they would give him another chance later on. 

The parents were another story.  By November, none of the kids in his program were allowed to do playdates with him.  My child never realized this because he had plenty of playdates with kids he knew from other places.  However, it hurt me tremendously that the parents had rejected my child.  After a couple of unreturned messages about trying to set up a playdate, I gave up and stopped trying.  At the same time, I understood where those parents were coming from.  Even if it was due to a disorder that my child was pushing and hitting people, nobody wants this to happen to their child.

I decided to discuss the situation with the teacher.  I've asked a lot of her in the past couple of weeks, so I'd hesitated to go to her again.  However, this situation seemed really important.  Her advice was to try to get some of the class leaders on my child's side, and then the other kids would follow their lead.  She identified two boys as the male class leaders.  My child already is friends with one of them, and I'll try to set up a playdate with the other one.  This approach feels right to me, and hopefully it'll work.  If not, then I love the approach of getting kids on board to help my child during his difficult moments.  In first grade, they're still really into their assigned roles/ helper jobs, so this is a great suggestion!

 

 

I'm desperate to figure out how to handle this situation and have discovered this board.  You seem like a great group, and I look forward to being part of it.

My 7 year old (1st grader) was diagnosed with ADHD this past summer, though he's struggled for years.  He's done really well overall since starting meds, but this happened recently and it's breaking my heart.  I would love advice how to handle this.

My 1st grader recently went through a couple of very rough weeks at school.  When pollen counts soared, his ADHD went haywire.  We increased the Focalin XR to 35 mg with no effect, and then yesterday we increased to 40 mg.  The teacher says that he's now back to where he was at the beginning of the year.  BUT there's major fallout from a couple of weeks of majorly annoying and even hurting classmates due to impulsive actions.  Today, the one friend he has in the class casually told me, "Nobody in our class likes (my child)."  I know he's telling the truth because the teacher has alerted me that there have been major social repercussions for him.  He's been bothering the other kids throughout the day these past couple of weeks, and his fellow first graders are fed up with it. 

What do I do to improve his social relationships with his classmates?  It's not an option to schedule playdates because, earlier in the year when meds weren't right, a few parents decided that my child is a "bad kid" and don't want their kids playing with him.  He has friends from outside his class, so I'm OK with his social opportunities outside of school.  However, he needs to be accepted by his classmates to make lunch, recess, and group projects a pleasant experience. 

Do you think that it's enough to give it time?  I'm concerned first graders will have a long memory and not give him another chance.  Do I need to have the teacher somehow intervene?

I should add what I said to my child's friend today.  When he made the comment that nobody in the class likes my child, here's how I answered.  I had no idea how to answer this boy who clearly was trying to tell me that something wasn't right at school for my child.  I got the impression he was trying to help him.  Anyway, here's what I said.  I told him that my child takes medicine, and the medicine had gotten messed up.  While the medicine was messed up, he acted in ways he shouldn't have, but he couldn't help it.  It's kinda like a blind person sometimes bumps into things, but it isn't their fault.  It wasn't my child's fault that he did those things.  I then said that the medicine is fixed now, and it shouldn't happen anymore.  I reminded him how well my child has acted the past couple of days, and I said it should stay that way from now on.

If this situation comes up again, do you think I should give that same explanation?  Also, like I asked earlier, what do I do about the whole class being against my child?  There's no bullying; they just don't want to be with him.  I'm really confused how to handle this.

My son's behavior had made him lose friends also. He is in Kindergarten and it seems the kids are so brutal even at 6. Luckily he does have kids that do forgive him for some of the things he does and his behavior but he has lost playmates because of his behaviors unfortunately. Unlike you though he does not have his whole class against him. His teacher explained to the kids that he does act out but it is not always his fault. It doesn't necessarily make them like him anymore but they seem to understand him a little better. By now they have gotten used to them so it isn't as big a deal when he is disruptive or misbehaves. At my sons school there are 4 Kindergartens so he does have children he plays with in other classes. I myself have had to explain to some of the kids in his class and in the others that sometimes he may get upset or mean but to leave him alone for awhile and than see how he is in awhile. Most of the time they seem to be ok with that but I am at his school a lot so they somewhat know me. It is tough I know to know that kids do not like your child because of their behaviors. Just be there for your child and if you have to be a buffer between him and the kids do it. They don't understand and are 6-7 just as much as we sometimes don't understand and we're adults. That's a hard one. I would probably meet with the teacher and talk about your concerns and see if she notices the problem with your child and the kids in the class. I think that they do need to be talked to because if they are all feeling the same way towards your child that is not good at all for your son. I'm sure he already feels bad because he does have ADHD but not having any friends may really effect his self-esteem even more. I'm sure he will be around the same kids next year? If he is you don't want them carrying their feelings toward him all through the next year, also. Kids are so sensitive and if I knew my son had no friends at school that would really give me a heartache. I don't feel that kids should be acting like that. It is sometimes a peer thing where they listen to others around them. I had that problem with one child in my son's class. She was telling other kids not to play with him and would purposely sabatoge his playing with others. I cut that to the quick and approached the teacher and she had a talk with this student. She didn't do it anymore after that. I will not take my son
being bullied or being made to be the "bad" guy or un-cared for. I would definitely do something if I were you because it is a big deal and we as parents should do our best to protect them, even from 6-7 year olds

I'm sorry your child has had the same social consequences.  For almost the entire year, my child's ADHD has been so well controlled that there have been no behavior issues at school .  However, the past couple of weeks were awful.  With the meds adjustment, the past two days have been perfect, according to the teacher, so he seems to be back on track.  Given the extremely difficult couple of weeks, the kids in the class have given up on my son.  That's what is concerning me.  Do I have the teacher explain his behavior to the class and say the problem is fixed and he's fine now, or should I let it go?  I'm afraid to wait a couple of weeks to see if the kids get over it on their own.  I don't want the distance between him and the other kids to grow even greater if I allow weeks to pass.

mayohun71, I'm glad to hear your child's teacher explained it to the class the same way I explained it to my child's friend.  I guess I handled that situation correctly!