I think I’ve finally accepted things | ADHD Information

Okiemom - your response made me feel even better. My son is 13 in the 7th grade.   I have been overparenting and just this morning my husband told me that at some point we have to let my son be responsible on his own even though he has ADHD and problems with executive functioning.

My son does suffer from the "I won't do it syndrome" too.  He is  more than capable of the task - if only he'd admit he has difficulty and follow the plan!  AGG I'm afraid when he gets the second  diagnosis of ADHD from the neuropsychological test it will either lower his self esteem further or he'll use it as an excuse.

He has been given an extension till April 5 to get his work done. He has this illustrated poem due - naturally it's already late.  He insists it has to be mounted on a special size construction paper that is at school.  I told him to plan to do this over the weekend and get the paper from his teacher. 

When he left this a.m. I asked hubby if I should call the teacher and tell her to put the paper in the back pack.  My husband said no because my son doesn't seem to forget things he wants - getting new bike on Saturday,  going to friends, etc.  My husband feels that although the accomodations of the 504 are good, it's like we are doing everything for him. 

The issues we are working on are getting him to take responsibilities for his school work.    The therapist has been working with us as a family so far. 

Just this a.m. my husband corrected my son because he was rude at the table and I told hubby to let it go because in the a.m. he is so anxious and nervous and I want to avoid a tantrum.  Hubby said that at some point we need to remind him of manners.  I said, over the weekend when he is not stressed.

Overparenting ?  Hey - I just don't want a raging teen at 7:00 a.m. in the morning.  My son plays me like a fiddle too and I'm not going to play into it anymore.  If he doesn't get his poem done and it's too late, he'll have to deal with the consequences and the pshychologist will have yet more data to present to my son to help with the denial.

Sorry to be babbling. (Too much coffee this a.m.)

Okay Okiemon you must tell us what you have done!!! You are telling my story and I am sure the story of so many people.  We become consumed!!  The school is so afraid of upsetting me because I am watching so closely.  I am  overparenting him and can see him just manipulating me!!!  We are in Australia and my son is 14 as well. He is in delayed puberty which doesn't help and has an average to above average IQ.  He just always plays the "I can't do it "card.  Really it's the I won't do it!!!!!  Here's the big question -

HOW DO YOU GET THE ADHD CHILD WHO SUFFERS FROM LOW SELF_ESTEEM TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR OWN LEARNING?????????

 

Hi rswf,

I know exactly how you feel.  I don't know how old your child is, but mine is 14.

I've literally spend years with testing, therapies, specialists, IEPs, medication trials, etc.  I understand your comment about it becoming all consuming.

I finally at one point had reached such a point of anxiety over all this that I had to go on Lexapro for about 1 1/2 years.  I also entered therapy myself to learn to better deal with this.  It was the best decision for me.  I had to get help to learn how to better follow through on discipline.  My son was playing me like a violin, and it was making the situation much worse because I was allowing it.  I'll never go back to that place.

I worked very closely with the therapist (my son uses the same one) on how to better deal with my son's issues and most importantly, how to transfer the "ownership" of homework and school responsibilities to my son.  Over the years in my zest to advocate for him and provide him with every available help possible, I got into the cycle of OVERparenting him......also referred to as hyperparenting.  Bottomline....... he had the capacity to make better choices and he could do the work. My son has absolutely horrible organizational skills, yet he is gifted intelligence wise.  He HAD to learn to take ownership of his organizational problems.   He knew he had options out there for help......it had come to the point where HE HAD TO MAKE THE CHOICE to use the supports and do the work.  Under no circumstance were we going to let him use ADHD as an excuse to throw away his educational opportunities.

My son is now an 8th grader about to transition into high school.  I have pulled back (not abandoned) and he has NOT crashed and burned like I obsessed about him doing.  He is now taking more ownership for his screw ups and bad choices.  This takes TREMENDOUS pressure off me.  It is an absolutely liberating feeling!  Of course things don't always work smoothly.........but this is a learning process that is ongoing...... for both him and me!

Good luck.  Don't be afraid for your child to make mistakes and learn from the natural consequences.  It's hard.....very hard. 

Okiemom

I think I have finally accepted that I am doing everything I possibly can do and I can't let my son's situation consume me.

He's on a 504, and I communicate almost daily with the guidance councilor.  The teachers have given him countless extensions but the quarter is ending in a couple of weeks.  I monitor his work, I sign his agenda books, I talk to the teachers.  I do everything but go to school for him.

He has a psychologist working to break the denial and who my husband and I like.

We are waiting for the neuropsychological appt. so he can get a definate diagnosis.  My pediatrician won't consider medication until he has that. I do feel medications is in the future, since my son refuses to accept the help given to him willingly.

What more can I do?  I deal with the definance and have learned to control my anger and temper (yoga does wonders).  My son knows what he has to do and there is nothing more I can do for him except what I am doing.  I keep him safe when he is raging and don't leave him alone when he is upset. I encourage his hobbies and encourage him to get out of the house and see his friends.  When he's depressed and won't do anything, what more can I do?

I guess I'm just thinking (writing) outloud?  I mean, we go through so much from the time of diagnosis, treatment, etc. at some point aren't we allowed to let up on ourselves and give ourselves permission to relax?