YES have him evaluated
get a second opinion too
pm me if you want to hear the worst things that can happen to adhd kids that git big without developing mentally. i work with the ones that cant exist in society and may never get out. opps im not supposed to say that
so just ignore me cause ill scare the living hell out of you. no threat intended.
i think your right on the money.
just cause hes ok on the outside he may need some help coping on the inside.
i may sound mean but i have a heart of goldor at least bronze. so if you think you should- then please do what you know is right. im AADHD-L and no the aa does not stand for Aggrevating _ssh_le Deficit hyper Dumb_ss - lazy
but somepeople do accept this as a good description of me.
but its not about me , you , the people on this thread or your husband
its about
Sammo39179.5719444444
Hello,
I can relate to you in more ways than one. First step I would take is to get play therapy/counseling for my child and if you can work it maybe for yourself as well. I did both. Both have proven to be very helpful.
My son and I lived in a situation very similar to what you have described. I found that it was in our best interest to get my son and I out of that environment. As we were exposed to too many anger outbursts by my ex. There were some other components that made me decide for the divorce and I won't go into those right now.
If your instincts tell you to find more help for your child I would follow your instincts. Your child should be #1 at this point. The longer you wait the harder I feel it will be for your son.
Questions to ponder:Do you want your son to follow in his father's footsteps?Do you want to continue living in constant worry? Do you want your son to feel successful in all that he does? Do you want your son to receive the help he deserves? Are you taking care of yourself so that you can be there for your child? These were questions that I had posed to me by a dear friend.
As far as other resources to help your son... I would speak with your son's school counselor? She will have some avenues for you and can help you with this. The school district I work for has a counseling center for families and they have all kinds of education classes that cover ad/hd etc... I'd also check into your insurance or your husband's and check to see if you have EAP. If so they can find you some help and often the first 3-6 sessions depending on situation are free of charge. You can use EAP for any family member.
Another source would be to check with your district's special education dept. They often have resources or names of sources that you can help you in finding what would be the best route for your son.
Take care!
Hi, I stumbled upon this website while looking for answers to my son's anxiety issues. He is 8 years old and has some worries that I think are beyond normal but my husband thinks I'm overparenting and thinks he'll learn how to get over stuff as he grows and matures.
My husband is an adult with ADHD that he does not medicate(he should though b/c I'm growing weary of his self-centeredness and angry outbursts!). We've been married for 12 years. Anyway, does anyone have any resources for dealing with children and anxiety. My son has not been for any evaluations as I'm trying to hold off on that since my husband isn't on board with me at all! I'm thinking that my son is being influenced by my husband's outbursts and negativity towards life, in general and it's affecting his mental health. My son is a very outgoing kid and very well-behaved but he's sensitive (like his mother). My husband doesn't see how his disorder affects the rest of us, nor does he care. He just figures we had better figure out how to deal with him or leave him. Which I don't think is the answer, either b/c I've seen the other side of divorce and family issues....it's not any better than where we are now. And, of course, I love my husband and so does my son......so, with all that said: what are the resources available to me? Should I take son in for an evaluation or just let things ride to please husband? I'm so confused! I used to be such a carefree person, nothing bothered me...and now I worry all the time! It's driving me crazy~! Thanks for reading this far!
Hi, well we homeschool so I won't be checking in with the school district at anytime but I could check with my ped. to see what they say!
My dh's outbursts aren't frequent (the self-centerness is on and off) and he does a good job of keeping his ADHD in check.....it's just that there are times when I wonder what those outbursts do to children. After talking to many IRL friends I realized that many adults have outbursts that they consider normal frustrations of being an adult and that they expect children to understand that life isn't easy and that you sometimes anger is appropriate.
Anyway, aside from the anger. I was really looking for resources to help my ds with his anxiety. I know anxious children usually have ADD or other things going on that may make them more fearful, etc. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd love to hear it!
Hi. My son has anxiety also.
Try to find the "root" of the anxiety. Does your son seem anxious all the time, or just in certain situations? The anxiety may be his way of coping with the uncertainty of your husband's outbursts. I agree with your statement that all adults live with problems and frustrations, and anger is a normal emotion, but its HOW the anger is expressed that is important and anger outbursts in the form of physical or verbal abuse is NEVER acceptable or excuseable.
My thoughts on anger problems in adults (outbursts) is that they are more associated with anxiety and depression and possibly bipolar, than with ADHD. But I am not a professional of course......these are my thoughts just based on my readings.
My son's anxiety peaked around 4th grade and it was more of an issue than his ADHD as far as school was concerned. Until we started treating the anxiety with therapy and medication, it was hard to treat the ADHD.
I think you are dead on right that your son's anxiety is a byproduct of your husband's problem. Your husband needs to get professional help and you need to insist on it. You can't force him to get help, but I would seek therapy for yourself and your son to help you learn to deal with the situation of your husband's outbursts. Like one poster said..... for some, it's best to get totally out of the environment.
Okiemom
okiemom39174.4817476852Dear Liz1,
I have been married 23 years to a man who too has undiagnosed ADHD...It wasnt untill my daughters diag. that I soon discovered this about my husband.
When I first married my husband I was so attracted to his abilitiy to "tell it like it is"..and I so adored his "spur of the moment " ways....and of course this grows old real fast....I too was shy and thats why I was so attracted to him kinda like saying Opposites attract...through him I learned to be strong...
But when we have kids its not about US any more...We are role models for our children....and they have great expectations from us...and the way we handle things is the way they learn to handle things. While ADHD behaviors can be mimicked or other wise learned behaviors... they also can have a heridity basis... it is a good idea to have your child examined for ADHD...and all the advice above is so much helpful...
The issue to deal with your spouse.... this is what I told my husband....
You are a 48 year old grown man...and you are the father of our child.....and I have certain expectation on the way a 48 year old grown man should be....
. they need to be acting their age...instead of blowing off the handle at the first sign that something isnt going his way...your son is watching every single move you and I make...and the way we handle things is exactly the way he will learn to handle things.....
...my husband had a tendancy to call me names if we were..argueing...and shortly so did my daughter learn these things....
I drew the line and said "I will no longer" tollerate this from you or any body else....I said I dont call you names and I wont tollerate you calling me names...I am a full adult grown woman and I am to be treated as such...
you say it is clear cut that our son has issues with anxiety..and I am his mother...and Im going to get down to the bottom of this ...with your support or without your support...Your sons anxiety issues could very well be coming from the behavior of your husband....because if you know its not right so does your son...and it could becausing him coping conflict...
so sit your son down and and talk , talk , talk...and give him resoulutions to his worries....anxiety comes from lack of..a solution....
like I told my husband..our behavior is either part of the solution or part of the problem...
Your husband sounds so much like mine was before he got treatment! He didn't yell at us so much as just go on a tangent about something that we had no control over at all, like you said, the orthodontist bill, some customer at our business.....
My children never showed this kind of response to his outbursts, but I can say that we are all much calmer these last months since he got effective medicine to help him.
I would say to see a psych about your son's issues. Perhaps therapy of some kind will be all he requires to feel safe and not so anxious. Perhaps he will need more, but as others have said, the longer this goes on and the older he gets, the harder it will be to help him to learn that life is good, and to be secure and happy living it.
I've been really touchy lately and I did not think any of you were attacking my dh. It's hard to give advice when you only hear part of a story!
For ds's separation thing: Since he can tell time now: he wears a watch and I give him time frames for when I think I'll be home by or pick him up by, etc...
You know, he's fine when I leave him with friends at their homes and he goes to sleepovers, no problem. He'll play up the street with the neighborhood boys and I'll drive by going to the store and he'll wave but won't ask me how long I'll be, etc...So, his anxiety is definitely situational and sometimes I wonder how much of it is manipulation. I don't doubt that he has fear issues but he stores up his anxiety for church and for being home without me....it's really weird!
My dh is never angry AT us....actually, he's usually just ticked about the orthodontist bill or something with work, etc. He's never called us names or physically hurt us or really emotionally beaten on us! He tries VERY hard to encourage ds and to build him up while at the same time instructing him on how to be a person and how to function in society ie manners, shaking hands, and just general stuff....
My ds's anxiety is specific to certain things: mostly Sunday school and when I leave to teach my class at the gym. He worries that I will forget to pick him up at church (we go to a big church, over 10K people) and he worries that I will get into an accident if I'm away.
He is very concerned about time frames. If I tell him I will be home at 8 but I get home at 8:10...he spent that last 10 mins in tears b/c I was late. I don't know if this is parent manipulation partly or if it's anxiety driven. He asks reaffirming questions about church: like, you're going to pick me up by 5:45, right? He never cries beforehand and his teacher says he does great until other parents start coming in early to pick up their kids and my ds wonders where I am! Not sure why folks leave church early, but they do it frequently apparently!
He has had other anxiety issues and fears: most of which he has overcome like swimming, the movie theater, and rock climbing. All of which are no problems for him now!
Unfortunately, if these things are left unattended, can cause destructive behavior more and more as a child grows up. It can lead to self-medicating with illegal drugs or alcohol. I highly recommend discussing this with the doctor. In the meantime, some things that have helped my son a little during transition times are: chewing gum, stress balls, frequent breaks from activities and classical music. Don't know if they will help you at all. The gum is really important and we have it written in his 504 plan because when really anxious he chews his tongue and lip until they have big raw spots. He has even given himself impetego by chewing the lip so bad.
My ds son also suffers from anxiety, he worries when I leave him as well...wanted to quit skiing this year (his favorite thing in the world) because he was afraid after his lesson he wouldn't be able to find us...ect. Worries when I am away as well.
All that I can tell you is that, our attitude towards him greatly affects they way he responds. If we are negative, it pushes him over the edge...if we are positive and understanding of his fears it helps him. It is something that you need to discuss with his doctor. As my doctor has told me, the anxiety drives the ADHD. I can see it in my ds as well. Sleep also affects the severity of his anxiety.
I try to let me husband know of his fears and triggers so that he can be aware of what sets him off. Maybe if you talked to your husband and let him know that is attitude is making the situation harder for your son....
Hope that this helps.
Imcbmcc,
when you say sleep affects him: what do you mean? My ds sleeps well and sleeps through the night, we have no issues with sleep. My dh does know about the fears and he tries to understand and he actually thinks we need to write up a plan for ds to help him. Like a list of phone numbers to call in case he needs to call for help and a list of family he can call if need be, etc. My dh really thinks that since ds has no family here and no siblings that he feels alone (if something were to happen) and that causes his fear. My dh agrees that something like that can be quite a bit to handle for an 8 year old or any child!
liz1,
I hope you didn't feel I was attacking your husband. I just see too many children not getting help they need because one parent or another is in denial. I wish only the best for your family.
As far as your homeschooling... that is fine... but you still get access to your school district for services such as I mentioned (family counseling, play therapy etc...). If you live in a school district that offers such services you can get assistance whether you homeschool or not. Your child does not have to attend the school system to receive the outside related services. Ex.... We had a student that was homeschooled and he just received speech services.
My daughter suffered from Seperation anxiety...theres nothing more heart wrenching than leaving your little girl crying out of fear that your not coming back.. to get her....so I began telling her..<for a little girl that couldnt tell time>
I have this and that to do....and i have so many hours to do it in....I will be back right when the sun goes down....or Ill be back...right when this certain thing would be on T.V. A child has no real concept of time....so a few hours could be like forever for them. This helped her so much...and as time went on she grasp the concept that I was coming back to get her.....then I sumed every day up with....Mommy loves you very much and I missed you so bad...and Im so happy to see you.
The thing is when we develope one anxiety...sometimes...it tends to lead into another and another. Untill it becomes sure panic attacks.
Keeping the lines of communication open and talking was what helped us.
and Ms.Liz1 please dont feel I was husband bashing either....
My husband oposed me at every end when it came to my daughter...and the things she struggled with.....finally he got first hand experience when he saw her struggles..for himself... He was never abusive, or hit us, or anything like that.
He just couldnt accept that there was something wrong with his precious daughter...and didnt quite know what to do for her...Like most men...there was no quick fix for her....and he felt helpless.
With Much Love2U
Lore