"Friends" and lack thereof | ADHD Information
I'm having trouble using the quotes so I'll just have to type it out...
Happyrock - he said he was invisible... noone knew he was there.
My dd has said those very words and it kills me to know that it hurts her (brings me back to a time when I felt the same way)
Vickie- She writes and illistrates comic books with friends and they pass manga around to each other. She has books on how to draw manga and they all share and compare. They are also into the sims games where they can get quite weird. Right now they are tryiing to figure out how to have the parents in the game be abducted by aliens.
I love it! I think our daughters would be good friends.
Wyatts Mom-It was a constant problem when my dx daughter would have friends over and my kids were younger her friends would gravitate to my older daughter it was sooooo frustrating. I did the same and tried to have her playing elsewhere when I couldn't I sometimes reminded the invited children who theycame to play with.. not in a nasty way but more like redirecting them or I would have an activity that my older daughter and I would do together. Now that they are teens 15 and 13 the older does not want much to do with the younger kids.
As for writing letters to all the other parents that seems like a lot. We used explain the dilema to our dds teacher(s) and then ask if there were any kids in the class (there were about 19 kids in her class in first grade) that she gravitated towards or who seemed interested in her or that she might have something in common with. We would then contact the other child's parents and set up a play date. I think when they are that young they don't always know how to get a play date started. I don't know how your school's recess is run but I do know the heartache of your child not playing with any one. Our school has the aides and teachers that supervised and we asked that they would make a point of facilitating interaction between our daughter and other kids. Over the years her interaction has improved and even though she still does not get the invites she does have friends she sits at the lunch table with.
Now, I know I'm jumping around but I am curious if any of you have experienced this with your dx children. I am always amazed when kids say Hi!
to my dd. It is a tone that is like they genuinely like her. Her response to them is usually head hung and barely audible Hi. If she even responds because she may be off in LA LA land. Now I know this is probably a turn off for the other kids so we have tried to exlain to her that if she would like more friendships she might want to lift her head look the kid in the eye and respond with a HI! and a smile. Could it be that she is so down on herself that she has given up trying? I don't usually think of her as shy. Is it social awkwardness and how can I teach her other than modeling the behaviors myself? Are meds the answer? I don't mean that to sound like she just needs to take something and every thing will magically be all better. And she is a wonderfull child cuz LA LA land is a great place for creativity it's just a little annoying when the vacations are unexpected
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IDEA for lunch time
When I was teaching 6 year olds, I had a number of children who had problems finding people to play with. They couldn't break into a group and had trouble initiating play. So I had some toys to take outside and play with. We had a big oval so it was easy to do. Different throwing things etc that needed 2 people at least. This made the child popular and gave them confidence. Breaking-in to a group can be the hardest thing. If this comes from the teacher, they feel special because they have been given something special. The teacher could even pair your child with another by setting up a converstation where your child asks another. Remember the popular kids are not the way to go.
DON'T WRITE A LETTER TO OTHER PARENTS!!!! This is so dangerous in a; small community. This will mean he will be labelled - and we all know that parents are so uneducated about any child that has a disability - especially ADHD.
Get your teacher on board with something for lunch time (you could donate it!!)
My son said last year he was invisible - This was how he acted and how he prtected himself. He still has this incredible barrier so he doesn't get hurt. He does seems so much happier at the moment that he is back with people after home schooling. He doesn't seek out company and is always occupied. That's not to say he would not enjoy having friends over. I think he has come to the realisation that this is just too hard!
My youngest has the issue of hyperactivity and she is very wearing for a parent to have a round. It is a little different than the inattentive type (my oldest).
My youngest daughter gets invited to the homes of 4 friends and her aunt's home. Each of these friends are also hyperactive so the high energy play does not bother these parents. There is a neighbor that no longer invites her over because the child cannot tolerate the high activity for too long. That child spends quit a bit of time at our house.
The older child is inattentive and gets invited everywhere, because she is easy going. She writes and illistrates comic books with friends and they pass manga around to each other. She has books on how to draw manga and they all share and compare. They are also into the sims games where they can get quite weird. Right now they are tryiing to figure out how to have the parents in the game be abducted by aliens.
This is something we have struggled with as well. My son is almost 12 and year after year he has less "play dates" or friends over. He is never called to go anywhere else to "play." I can't seem to get him involved in extra-curricular activities either and I think that is a big part of the problem. We live in a small area and most of the boys his age are in basketball, boy scouts etc, so they see each other all the time. He doesn't seem to be effected by it. He is happy to be home with us and do his own thing. I feel bad for him. I aslo get concerned about putting him in things he doesn't want to do because the meds are wearing off in the evening and I don't want him to have behavior problems to get out of an activity and push his peers further away.Hi Hermom
Yes the kids realised that they were not being invited. I just tried to make coming to our place great fun. We'd go bowling or do something to focus them.
My son suffered a breakdown last year - he throught everyone was against him. It was so said - he said he was invisible - no one even knew he was there! I took him our of school for 4 months and then took him back. He only has a tiny class 13 - so when it came to his birthday we said he could invite 3 other boys for a swim etc. He really didn't want to invite one of them because he thought he was strange (weak - very sensitive). So I said it was invite him or no one!!!!
The kids had a blast! He discovered that they were just like him. It is the fear of the unknown. One of the boys has been over a few times and they seem to have drifted apart. He was very condesending - something we just didn't want see developed. Now he has these 2 friends and they are very happy at school. Haven't had them over since the party, but our son is happy with school contact at present.
Having them at home means I can help with making it work!
It will be trial and error, but well worth it. Maybe the teacher or youth group leader may suggest someone who is quiet and needs a friend. One good friend is so much better than being on the edge of a popular group.
All the best
DD is not big on the craft thing but she does like to cook as long as cleaning is not part of the deal. Happyrock, did your kids ever say anything about not having friends that made the efforts to invite your son or daughter to their house? I don't mind the kids coming to our house but my dd wonders why she is not invited to the homes of those who come here to play. How did your son discover that the kids he thought were weird were not so weird afterall? Sometimes I wonder if dd is the one others think is weird.
Vickie, what about your dd does she get invited to other kids houses? I'm going to look into the Montessori school here and see if they would allow my dd to help if they have camps. She went to Montessori when she was younger. There is a manga club at the high school level maybe I can see if they would have a workshop for younger kids.
Thanks!
OMG I have been awake most every night for months worrying about this same thing! My son is 7, ADD inattentive, and on 36mils of Concerta.(which is great for him) We are into our second week of "Crawling" and he sees a counselor every other week. He doesn't play with anyone on the playground at school and when he has friends over they invariably end up playing with his 5 year old brother. I've resorted to sending his brother away to someone else's house but that isn't always an option. He isn't into video games or sports, doesn't even ride his bike. He's extremely sensitive and he's immature for his age. He loves his stuffed animals, his sandbox and scotch tape which he sticks to EVERYTHING.. His brother and two step sisters get invited to birthday parties and sleep overs but he never does. It absolutely breaks my heart! There are only 19 kids in the entire first grade of our school so as you can imagine there are not alot of kids like him. We live in a community of 900 people and share a school with a community of only 1200. I have thought of writing a letter to distribute to all of the parents from probably second grade down to pre-k explaining my son's add and what my concerns are and asking if anyone has a child in a similar situation that we could set up play dates with. I'd like to know if there are other parents in our school who feel the same. I'm afraid that that may label him for life though. What do you guys think?
Hi, Im a newbie here, but my sons ages 7 & 12 both have ADHD and neither of them has a close friend. My 12 yr old has gotten better socially, and has some friends at school, but none close. My 7 yr old is really struggling. Its heartbreaking because he never gets invited to parties, or playdates, and it hurts him. My husband and I started a "meetup" for families in Los Angeles. Hopefully, it can be a meeting ground for ADD & ADHD kids to make some friendships. I posted it under another heading, but its called The Los Angeles ADHD Kids FRIENDSHIP Group. If you're in LA, check us out:
http://adultadd.meetup.com/324
Hi All,
I'm concerend about my dd's social life. She is 13 and recently dx add/inattentive. She doesn't seem to have any of what I would call "true" friends. Last summer she was always the one to call others to come play or to sleep over or what have you, not one person reciprocated. The hard part is that she noticed. It nearly breaks my heart when she asks me "Mommy why doesn't anyone ever call me?" On one occaision one Mom said oh we'll have to have your daughter at our house some time. That was 4 months ago.
We attend a small church that has a youth group of about 20 kids 7th grade up to 12th. She complains that she does not feel like she belongs or that all the other kids ignore her. They are not mean or anything but... My dd for some reason can't seem to develop more than a superficial relationship. She said tonite that the other kids think she is crazy while she thinks she is funny. I have talked to the youth pastor but it has not improved. I'd like to add that I have another daughter who also attends youth group and absolutely loves it. I've tried asking her why dd is experiencing problems, if she notices anything, but she doesn't see it.
Summer vacation is coming soon and I would hate to have a repeat of last summer. We are already sending her to an overnight "camp" for three weeks and really can't afford more. She doesn't like to swim or play any sports (the other kids did not appreciate her picking flowers and examining ants while she was in the outfield as the ball rolled by).
DD is not a bubbly kid, but she is thoughtful and has a good sense of humor.
I tried to make this coherent and I could probably add a lot more examples but I hope you get the picture. Is she missing cues? Is she putting her foot in her mouth? Does anyone else experience this with their kids, especially young teens? What can I do to help her?
By the way she is not on any medications pharmacuetical or other. Since we are still in the early stages of learning about add/adhd we have not yet made any decisions regarding the medication issue. Does anyone have experience one way or another regarding meds and social issues?
My youngest is doing better socially since starting meds. She no longer irritates others with her impulsivity and trains of thought/conversation that jump from one subject to the next without transition.
Does she have any interests or hobbies that she can do in a group setting. Finding things in common with others is pretty important for maintaining relationships.
I'd have to agree that medication has help my daughter and son find and develop social connections. I have found my two very sensitive and to a point paranoid in relation to other kids.
Invite one child home for an arrange activity. Someone who isn't popular and has similar characteristics / interests. For example not into sport! Suggest activities that may be possible - eg Sing Star - karaoke, video , simple girlie craft activities eg bead making, decorating wooden boxes, photo frames etc. Then the girls will be doing an activity side by side. Through this parallel play the girls will get to know each other. Don't make it a whole day thing but a couple of hours. Have pizza or make a cup cakes!! By doing this a few times, the girls become comfortable with each other and a friendship may follow. Watch them and see how your daughter interacts - then you can discuss this in a non-threatening supportive constructive way - a great opportunity for social skill training.
Our 14 year old son is just developing a nice friendship with 2 boys who were very much socially isolated. Together they are a group!! Helps with the feeling of loneliness. Last year he wouldn't go near them because he thought they were "weird". This year he has discovered that these kids are fun to be with and the bonus is that they are sensitive and non-threatening.
Our daughter is 16 and it wasn't until last year that she has begun to develop good friends. She is now at a weekly boarding school as the schools in our area are really awful!!! So she is 1 1/2 hours drive away! It's been great for her as she can hyperfocus on her work and be with the girls all day and night. We would never consider this with our son.
I remember talking to friends recently recalling our childhoods. Very few of us had lots of friends. Many of us struggled. Good luck!
She is involved in acting/dancing classes believe it or not, however that has not produced any relationships that go beyond the class door. Her other interests would be, reading, anime and manga and video games (gameboy) which we have to curb. I've tried suggesting other things like art classes, tennis lessons, but she doesn't seem to want to do anything and comes up with things like "that's boring" or "it's no fun". I have seen her in group situations and it alway seems she is most comfortable playing with children 2 or 3 years younger because they still play. Teenagers just talk and hangout. The problem with this can be that group activities are often divided into age groups and she at the age of thirteen is often grouped with the older kids even though she may really not be mature enough to be there.
BTW DD is petrified of growing up to the point that it keeps her awake at night. It wasn't long ago that she came sobbing
into my room worried about what was going to happen to all of her things (toys, stuffed animals) when she grows up.
My youngest also does not want to grow up. She does best when working with younger kids as well. She has a few friends that play video games with her, and then they pull her into other activities.
You might see if the school has a summer program where she can be an assistant to the teacher. My youngest used to help in the activities for the younger kids at the Montessori school they used to attend. There were other kids thier age to interact with that were also helping the younger kids. She really liked this and it helped with self esteem.
Also bookstores and comic book stores (some carry manga) usually have summer reading activity programs based around the subject and she can meet others with the same interests. Our local library also has similar programs for summer fun and reading.
Are there any classes on drawing or writing manga locally?
My DD (now 15) was diagnosed at age 7 with ADHD and has been on/off Ritalin ever since. I recently changed schools and started her back on her medication. She has a lot of friends now, however, she is very out spoken. She still does not have many sleep overs or friends calling, but she is by far doing better on the meds than off. We live in a very small town and the kids at the previous school she attended were awful. They still don't like her and I do have to drive 10 minutes out of my way every day instead of the bus picking her up, but it is well worth her happiness. I thought that she was affected by not having very many friends and honestly, she is not. She understands that not all people have common interests and that if they don't like her - it is fine. She has also never been one to hold back her thoughts. She would always say hello to the one girl on the bus that caused her the most trouble as I have taught her to show good character when being pestered by somebody weaker than you. My daughter finally had enough of being nice to her and caused a bit of a tiff with her at school. This girl also harassed her at home by calling her names (Lesbian, Lesbo, etc.). My daughter was suspended the next day from slapping her and this is the day I moved her to another school. My DD truly has been through enough but she is such a sweet person to everyone she meets unless they do her wrong.Verbal Harassment is worse than the slap! My son 14 is having the same situation at present - "we would normally suspend a student for hitting but we are going to make an exception for your son just this one!" I saw red. This child was telling my son during class he would be nothing more than a bum when he left school because he failed a component. Then told all the kids on the way out that he failed. My son pushes back - he gets into trouble. The next day the other child takes his wallet and holds it up in the air and won't give it back. My son hits him. AHHHHHH My response was what is going to happen about the other child harrassing him! The only thing keeping him at school is the fact he has two friends for the first time in his life. How did your daughter cope with the move?
long shot
do the kids have a hobby.
perhaps a little investigating could reveal another child in a club or group around the same age.
more kids at school definatly the place to find the other kids. but klubs sometimes bring out deeper passions that bring friends together and lasts A LIFETIME. via internet friendships can be seldom together but can plan great activities to look forward too.
Wyatt's mom,
I am having the same problems as you are. I also have a 7 yr old who is extremely immature and has no friends.. I worry so much about him. His 5 yr old brother, is the complete opposite and seems more mature than Will. It just bothers me so much...
Will is so loud when he plays, he's playing video games right now, and is just screaming and cheering SO much louder than anyone else would ever do.. I know that scares the other kids off, even his classmates have asked him to be quiet and that's sad...I don't know what to do either.
I'm afraid if I picked one and had them over, that it would turn into a complete disaster and would make things worse...