OH man, things have been going so well for my 5 1/2 year old son. Then I get a call from the principal this morning - I guess she got a call from a parent that M had told her son on the bus that he "had a real gun in his backpack and he was going to shoot him". Obviously, the boy and his parents were extremely upset, as am I.
I don't know where this stuff comes from - he does not watch violent tv, does not play violent video games, we don't really have toy guns in the house. The kids usually are not even in the room when we watch the news, so I don't believe that he would have seen the footage from the recent VT shootings. Occasionally they will use sticks or leggos as guns, and we encourage them to not use pretend guns and to use the items as something else.
He has made off the wall comments like this occasionally before, but they mostly occurred pre-meds, or maybe once or twice when meds weren't right for him. I don't know the context of the situation - was he mad at the boy and wanted to upset him? Or did he really honestly think that it was just a funny thing to say?
Either way, it is very serious, and I need to address it appropriately, and I am not sure how best to do that.
Any thoughts? My dh gets home with the kids before me, and I am planning to tell him that M needs to go to his room as soon as they get home, and then after eating until I get home so we can address it together.
Well, are you sure the other boy telling the truth?? I would be highly skeptical of that. You could mention it to your son, but I wouldn't make a huge deal of it. Sometimes giving too much attention backfires, I think. I also would drive him to school for the rest of the school year. You could confer with your school counselor on this, also.The bus was the worst place for Chase until we got the meds adjusted too...it is a place full of children with only one adult monitoring who is too busy driving to be aware of much of what was going on behind him/her.....
Once we added the tenex (and the horrible driver retired, hallalujah!!) things have improved 200%.
I would talk to your child, and see if he really did say this...how old was the child that reported it? I am with cr12345mr on this one...are we sure your child said that? Even if he didn't I would tell him how important it is not to make threats, even if they are in anger.
Well, I have thought about that...but I do think that since he has had a history of making really weird, off the wall statements like that, that it is possible. It concerns me because it could mean that his meds are not controlling the afternoon impulsivity anymore.
I just don't think that the other child would totally make up something like that...but you never know with kids.
It also makes you wonder if other parents ever question what their children say and whether it is true or not - he came home a couple weeks ago, and he did this thing - remember the thing from when we were young - you lace your fingers together and close your hands, and do the "heres the doors, heres the steeple, open the doors and see all the people" and your fingers are the people. Well he did something like that only there was one finger and it was a certain part of a boys anatomy - you get my drift. I asked him where he had heard that, and he said "R told me at school". Well, anytime he comes home and tells me things, he says that R told him. I am sure that if my son had come up to another child and did that that the parent would have called - but I didn't. I figured it was just little kids stuff, you know?
I do think that we need to stress very strongly with him that regardless of what context, what situation, using words like that is never funny, and it is never allowable.
If he was a little older, he could get in serious trouble with the school for making a comment like that. Especially in this day and age.
That is what I am thinking...as a mom, I would have asked my child...."Did you see the gun?" "Do you think he really meant it, or was he just angry?" "How old is this little boy?". Then depending on the responses, would have spoken to my child (the tattler) and explained that sometimes little children say things out of anger that they don't mean, and if it happens again, perhaps my child should tell the adult in charge, not come to me and tattle.....and I definitely would not have called the school on a 5 year old....a 13 year old, probably, but not a 5 year old.
I agree that a talk is in order to let him know that it is never a good idea to threaten anyone with a gun or otherwise and it is not funny....
Oh boy, you have stated my worst fear. My son just turned 5, not in school yet. But, he has occasionally in play time at home pretended cops/bad guy stuff and said "I'm going to shoot you." I've told him its not nice to say something like that even in play, but I fear that he'll say something like at school some day, it will be taken out of context, and then all of a sudden everyone is forcing him into some sort of counseling for what was really just an inappropriate comment. I'm working on it now, but you just can't ever totally control what a kid will say. Not to mention, we have no guns and he would have no way of getting one.
I guess I'd probably ask him about the other kid and if he got along with him and if he'd ever had any problems with him, especially on the bus. I'd ask if he and the other kid ever got into arguments on the bus, and see if he'd offer up what he said. Maybe the other kid said it first? If he doesn't offer it up, I'd probably point blank ask him if he ever told the kid he had a gun and was going to shoot him. My son would probably respond "how did you know that?" I'd then say, Mommy's have ways of knowing, and then fup with...did you say it? Once I got a yes, I'd ask why. Then, I'd reassure him that the feelings he had (anger or whatever) were ok to have because we all have those feelings, but its not nice to tell someone that you will shoot them. I'd probably even go so far as to ask him if he'd be worried if someone said that to him. And, then I'd ask what should we do when someone makes us mad (or whatever happened)? He usually comes up with the right answer (count to 10, walk away, tell an adult if someones bullying him, etc...) And, I confirm Yes, I knew you were a big boy and would figure that out...praising him for realizing the error of his ways. And then I'd drop it.
p.s. I'd probably think about driving my child to school as well if the other boy and your son can't stop being antagonistic to each other because there is only so much the bus driver can do while driving.
Well, I spoke to the principal - she really is a peach. She has been absolutely wonderful for us.
She had M come into her office, and she spoke with him and he admitted that he said the words. She asked if he was angry at the other boy, and he said yes, but then he also said he was just being silly - she does realize that she should have just asked why instead of asking if he was angry or silly. They are too suggestible at that age!!
Then she had the other little boy come in, and he said that he had said "naughty words" to M and then M said what he said. But she said that the two are just such good friends and everything was ok between them. She went through his backpack with the other boy and showed him that he only had fun things in there.
She spoke with M and said that he was to never use naughty hurtful words, and never to tell someone that he was going to hurt them.
She did make him do a time out in her office.
I spoke with his teacher, and she feels that the meds are still working for him through the afternoon,and that he is not becoming overly impulsive. Whew! That is good news for me...I would really like for this meds combo to work for at least a little while!
I am so happy because I can tell that they all just adore him, and that it is very upsetting to them when he does something like this too.
It is nice to hear that you are dealing with a good school teacher and principal. Sometimes that is what it takes to turn things around.....it sounds like she handled things really well!
He is probably hearing this stuff through kids at school. Their so innocent until kindergaten and then they learn everything, swear words etc. and if you have a second child they even learn that stuff sooner from the older sib. sounds like this principal did a good job, you probably won't have to deal with that ever again I'm sure he learned his lesson,