Hello All! I hope I'm in the right place. I just chose to create a new topic since I wasn't sure where to start.
I'll give you a briefing on my story and I welcome all comments from non-ADD spouses and ADD men.... or anyone for that matter. I just need help.
My husband was diagnosed about 2.5 years ago. He tried all medications. None seemed to really help, by his description, and no noticeable change from my perspective either. The problem is, this is a wonderful man, an awesome husband, and I fear my love for him is fading. At times I question whether I love him anymore at all. We've been married 5 years. He is good to me. He's complimentary, supportive, financially grounded, and we share the same core values and visions. He has had the same job since we met so employment doesn't seem to be a problem for him like it is for other people here. He's not aggressive or abusive toward me. The most he does that even resembles that is to have an unpredictable outburst at inconvenient times. That said, here are the struggles I'm having. He is domineering, overbearing, and cannot seem to observe boundaries. He is a slob, for lack of a better simple description. He leaves things lying all over the house. A quick list of those things..... maps, books, ink pens, combs, papers, notebooks, notes to self, coins, piles of mail, and anything else that he should happen to drop. I feel like I make progress through the house picking up, and he's right behind me tossing things on the floor again. He REFUSES to put something back if he gets it out. That ranges from anything like a bottle of mustard to a screwdriver. I am CONSTANTLY putting things back where they belong. It doesn't matter what "task" he begins, he considers it to be complete long before he cleans up the mess he made in completing it. He drags home pamphlets and papers, etc. He just came back from Chicago and brought back a pile of papers from the hotel lobby. You know the pamphlets that outline local recreation, etc. He got not one, but two of every one of them. UGH. They just lay around and make clutter. I am very organized and lack of organization makes me very uncomfortable. I'm having a hard time dealing right now. I just told him today that he was disrespectful of my wishes since I ask him kindly to help me by picking up after himself or cleaning up messes he makes. I feel like an "arse" now for saying this to him. Someone please differentiate which of these traits are ADD and which are just flat out laziness and disrespect. I am at the point that I feel invisible. I rarely have a chance to talk and if I do he's quickly interrupting me or sees something more interesting and ignores me. I am so frustrated right now. I have gotten to the point that I don't even attempt to speak at home. I just sit in silence and try to listen to the rambling that bores me to tears. He seems so self absorbed. He doesn't give a damn if I have something to tell him about. He gets angry if I tell him he's talking loud in public. He gets angry somewhat if I point out that he hasn't cleaned up a mess he made or something. I want to get out of this marriage I think. I love him inside I think but I'm so frustrated right now that any emotion I have for him is deeply clouded and drowned out by my frustration. I can't even feel love for him. I want him to shut the heck up. I want him to pick things up and mind boundaries. What am I going to do? I don't want our marriage to end. That's never been a consideration until now. HELP!
Sounds like you need marriage counseling ASAP.
Oh, thank you so much for your supportive, kind words. You have some great ideas. Let me tell you a few things about our home.
We live in a fairly spacious two bedroom condominium. In the spare bedroom we have some exercise equipment, file cabinets, a desk, and a sewing machine. Originally when it came to his mail I said, let it pile up all day, all week, all year, I don't care as long as it's contained in this one spare bedroom. Then I found there are things I do in there as well, so after 4 years of this approach I decided he just can't really handle the influx of mail he gets... he seems to be easily overwhelmed when it comes to this. Now, I open all mail and file it accordingly. This has helped tremendously in the spare bedroom and he seemed to happily give up the responsibility of sorting through piles of mail once every six months. But, I can't let him get hold of anything resembling paper or he's piling it up again in various places, including the space in the spare bedroom. I just get so scatter-brained when there are piles of things lying around. Let me also add that he grew up with a hoarding mother so a pile of papers a foot tall is NOTHING to him. I should explore maybe some other avenues in terms of giving him a space...... OH, I just thought of something else, he has a space in the cellar. Our condo and the three beside us are arranged on top of a storm cellar such that the backs of our units are buried in the side of a hill and the cellar is under the hill. So, you can imagine how huge this thing is. He has the run of it because all our neighbors are single women. His hobby space there is pretty darned organized. That leads me to believe it's just a respect thing.
Sorry I'm a bit of a chatty here. One more thing, we went to counseling for him because his mother was murdered. In that counseling he was diagnosed and then we moved into some marital issues. It was a great help but when things got better we stopped and slowly he sort of slid back to his old ways. It seems like to gain any type of upper hand over this thing (adhd) it will be a constant struggle for him and a LOT of hard work. I'm not sure he's up to the challenge. At 45 years old he's got a lot of stubborn hardwiring. I wonder if he would do it to save our marriage or if it would be easier for him to throw in the towel. Anyhow, it's so nice to hear from someone in cyberspace with a supportive voice. Thank you so much for taking the time to write. It means a lot that we as humans support each other in times of need. So, blessings to you. I hope you have a great day!!
I'm sorry you are going through this. I agree that marriage counseling might be extremely helpful. Also, I don't know how big your home is, but maybe you can create a room that's just yours? That way, you can have that space as neat and organized as you'd like, and he can't leave his stuff there. It could be like a home office, a hobby room, a reading room -- whatever suits your interests. On the flip side, maybe you can try to have him do most stuff in a space that's his, and know that you'll need to turn a blind eye to the mess in there. Other than that, I'd visit one of the forums for adults with ADHD, and see what they do to handle this. I'm sure many adults with ADHD have similar problems. Good luck! Work hard, and you two WILL find a solution you both can compromise on.