so sad for my son... | ADHD Information

Just a quick update... I haven't seen the mother yet. In due time.

Today is my DS's birthday!! He's 11. Yesterday he told me he wanted to have a party in a few weeks. (Mind you, he hasn't wanted a b-day party in 4 years) He said "I'm going to invite a bunch of friends from class. And when "Greg" asks why he wasn't invited, I'm going to tell him that my Mom doesn't want you there. And then he can see how it feels."

I know its really not the right thing to do, but with the hurt that was caused, I want my son to be happy!!!Not cool on that other mom's part. She should not be VP of the PTA. I
would plan a really fun day with your son and some of his other friends or
cousins. Chalk it up to a life lesson for your son. Keep up his self-esteem.I have to thank you all for hugs, kind words and great suggestions!!!! I feel so sad that our children have to deal with these types of emotions at such a young age. It is heartbreaking.

I spoke with my sons teacher yesterday (she called to say my son seemed VERY sad yesterday) She wanted to know if I wanted her to call the parent and let her know what she has done and maybe try to change the situation. I told her that she could do whatever she wants, but I will still have my own words with her and that there wasn't enough "apologies" in the world that would allow me to send my son that party. Besides he doesn't want to go anyway.

I will keep you posted on how this pans out. And again... THANK YOU!!!       I am crying right now reading all of this. I am glad he has a mom that is supporting him and being his advocate. Im mom of 2 adhd boys and I wish, wish, wish some of these other arrogant stepford moms would try to understand differences in ALL kids and not be so snarky!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG, that mother's actions are so outrageous!  Many great suggestions have been made how to handle this.  One other idea is if you want to point out to the mother that you know your child has had issues in the past, but NOTHING has happened for a couple of years.  You are pleased that her son and the other kids have been mature enough to realize the problems are behind him, and to befriend him. 

Also, I LOVE that some kids said they don't want to go to the party and want to hang out with your ds instead.  He has some very nice friends.  I say have a nice graduation party for him and his friends --- and I wouldn't hesitate to invite as many people as you want who were invited to the other party.  Heck, I would plan them at the same time, and with your friends and other parents who would be eceptive, I would explain why you're having the party at the same time as the other one.  Wouldn't it be great if everyone came to your party and few went to the other one?  Or, since your ds didn't get an invitation to the other party, how would he know when that party is taking place, and it's "mere coincidence" that your ds is having a graduation party at the same date and time.   That mother would have no grounds to complain that you were stealing people from her ds' party.

I hope your ds feels in better spirits soon.  I'd point out that the kids really like him, that his friends would rather be with him than go to that party, etc.  Yeah, it still hurts not to be invited, but he should not feel rejected by the other kids.  For my ds, it was less painful when a child wanted to play w/ him, but the parent said no.  It still hurt, but it hurt less than when he asked someone if they wanted to do a playdate and they said no.

One more thing.  Do you have elections for the PTA?  I would definitely try to have her booted out of elected positions next year.This is horrible! Please let us know if the teacher gets anywhere with this.  Someone hurt my son the other day and I wanted to punch him in the nose!!  As much as you want to retaliate, the main goal is to help your son.  I would talk to the other mother as soon as possible and tell her what she's done.  As much as you don't want to give in to her...you could offer to go help her and stay if her son will invite yours.  You will hate every minute of being there and you will want to spit in that ladies face but if you keep the conversation to yourselves then maybe your son won't find out that you intervened then he can go and be happy.  I jumbled that all up but I hope it makes sense.  Whatever you do I'm sure it will be right because you love your son.  Kudos to his friends!My ADHD/ADD son is in 5th grade, moving on to middle school next year. There is a child in his class, whose mother is having a "5th grade graduation pool party" for the entire grade from the school. The kids have all been talking about this party, and when my son heard about it, he asked the boy why he wasn't invited. The kid told him that "I wanted to invite you, but my mom said she didn't want you there, so I couldn't". My son is the only one in the entire grade not invited. He hasn't had the best reputation over the years, but neither have several of the other boys invited. He is heartbroken over this and I am at a loss on how to consol him. He feels now that everyone hates him because of what parents tell their kids to think. Its so sad. He doesn't want to go to school anymore and it breaks my heart.

He has had like zero problems last year & this year at school, so this is why he doesn't get why everyone thinks he is so bad. We happen to live in a town where parents seem to talk more about other kids and thrive on that kind of stuff. Because of course their kids do no wrong...I actually went to the school yesterday & spoke to the vice princ. and she said to me "that really stinks but there is nothing we can do about it since it has nothing to do with the school"!!!! I do have every intention of speaking to the mother. But I don't want to call her, I'd like it to be done face to face.

The most discusting thing about this is that she is Vice President of the PTA!!!!!

I also saw his teacher yesterday and let her be aware of the situation too, only because I wanted her to know why my son may act out and why he seems so sad the last few days (which his teacher actually asked me about). His teacher was in tears for him, which again crushed me.

He has a visit with his psychologist today, so hopefully that will help him a bit. I called him yesterday to give him a heads up, so he could bring it up with my son.

Two of my sons friends said they would not go to the party if he wasn't going. That instead they would all do something together. That made him feel a little better, but that hurt just doesn't go away that quick.

Thanks for your input!!That just sucks. Maybe you could have a party and invite everyone but that one boy. And schedule it the same day as the pool party. Nice fantasy..... Anyway, you could have your own party with some of your son's friends. I think I would be letting the school know, also. That is pretty close to bullying, IMO.I think that I would bring it up to the school as well.  That is so sad...and I probably would call the mom and put her on the spot as well...or better yet, corner her in the grocery store, or in the line to pick children up after school, where she will have to say to your face that she is a petty, childish adult bully.  The nerve of her, her son wanted to invite him, but the mom said no....I would want to hear her excuse to my face....come right out and say "I understand that you are having a pool party and all of the children are invited except mine....can you tell me just why he is being so blatantly excluded?  I can't think of anything he has done to your child or you this year to be treated so badly..."I would definitely call the guidance counselor. He/she will have ways to help you talk to your son. Some parents are just mean.

  I'm crying for you and and your son.  I think the mother is so rude and has no social graces.   At my son's religious school,  the entire class is required to be invited to Bar and Bat Mitzahs to avoid hurt feelings.

When my son was in elementary school, the "unwritten rule" was that for private B-day parties, the invitations were not to be given out at school to avoid hurt feelings.  Invitations were sent through the mail.

Your son has, unfortunately, learned a life lesson - people can be mean.    Are the parents invited?  Usually kids act better when the parents are around, anyway - ADD or not.  She should have invited him and then you could have stayed and then if there were any problems you would be there. At least your son can work it through with his psychologist.

I wouldn't confront the mother.  I wouldn't go out of my way to see her but you shouldn't stoop to her level.  Be polite and civil.  At the very least, she probably will feel uncomfortable when she sees you.

If you get other parents on your side, it will get out through gossip that she hurt your son and maybe she'll think twice before she acts like a jerk.

 

 The vice president of the PTA??!!  What is wrong with this woman??!! Shame on her, and I feel sorry for her child that has to have a woman like this as a mother. Especially because HE wanted to invite your son but was told that he couldn't! Have you mentioned this to any of the mothers of the children that WERE invited?  It would be nice if they would all "boycott" this party and let that woman sit there by herself with her son with NOBODY showing up!!  Things like this just boil my blood....I'm sure your son has enough to deal with, but to think that another adult doesn't want him at a party is too much for him to have to deal with. SHAME ON HER!! I can't wait to hear what happens when you confront her, and I would DEFINATELY do it face to face just to see what her reaction is. Please keep us posted!

Robyn Mom to Alex 13 ADHD, Brianna 10 1/2 and Olivia 4 SPD

Oh gosh, I'm soooo sorry for your son.  That is just horrible.  I think I would absolutely have to do something about it.  I'd either call her or write her letting her know just how much pain she inflicted on my son.  I'd let her know what her son said, and that its not a very Christian thing to exclude one child like that...which in my mind is far worse than anything the child could have ever done.  What she did was intentional.  What many of these adhd kids do isn't.  Her malice aforethought is simply unforgiveable.  If I put this all in a ltr, I'd probably cc all the parents whose children did get invited and state that although a boycott against the mother would most certainly be appropriate, I would encourage them to go and enjoy the party because her son doesn't deserve to suffer for her sins either.  Make it clear you are the bigger person.  And, the next event you plan I WOULD INVITE HER SON and show that you have no hard feelings against the child.  I mean, he can't help he's got a BIT.. for a Mom!

As for your son, I'd probably plan something real special for him letting him know just how special he is to you.

myjeffrey39203.5820138889

I wonder if we live in the same town!

We have been through similar experiences, however, my son was younger.   I was lucky enough to have a son who was able to roll with it. It DID bother him because he thought the kid was his best friend, LOL. And like this situation, it was the MOTHER! She thought my kids was the trouble maker, but it turned out it was her's. They since left the school in search of god!

Since this "mother" hold a position in the PTA, why not try to get it out to other "parents"! I'm sure other REAL parents would be interested in just what a memeber of their PTA is up to!

She is a disgusting adult. This is something a child is more inclined to do, not an adult!

I am proud of you letting the school know! I also agree with your son's friends about not attending. They should all RSVP to this "mother" and tell her the truth of why they are NOT attending. I am sure she wouldn't like it if it was happening to HER son, who sounds like a pretty good kid, just stuck in the middle!

Update us with what happens!

And plan something totally awesome for YOUR son on that date!!

Beth

Oh, how awful.. I am so sad for your son. Please update when you speak to the kid's mom. I would love to hear her response. Shame on her...

Great to hear that he has two friends that will stick up for him though...

There is a book out called "Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads" that tells you how to deal with these adults in your children's life. It's a good read.

Why don't you mail a letter to this parent, and cc the principal and school counselor, conveying clearly the damage done and requesting a change in school policy?

At my son's school, you are not permitted to invite some children in your child's classroom -- you are required to invite all of them. I would say the same idea could apply to a "grade" party--they have to invite the entire grade. This is going to be one of those long suffering wounds, and it's totally uncalled for.

Here's an idea.  Just show up at the party with a tray of cookies to share and pretend like you have no idea that he hasn't been invited- since it's a party for the whole grade who could fault you for "assuming" the invitation got lost?  More than likely the woman won't saying anything in front of the other parents.

 

That's a pretty rotten thing for that mom to do.  We had a similar situation like that.  My dd is in the third grade and has severe ADHD and Asperger's.  Because of her quirky behavior, many of the girls in her class started picking on her and bullying her.  However, one of the girls in her class (who was her friend) had a birthday party and dd wasn't invited.  The other bully girls were invited though.  I tried to tell dd that the girl having the party isn't much of a friend if she prefers bullies over dd.  DD was really sad, so we are having our own party with a few friends at the skating rink.  Boy, I'd confront that mom after school one day when she has to discuss it in front of other people.  Especially in front of her own kid.  That is awful, that mother should be ashamed of herself.  My son go through similiar issues and he is five.  Actually I would have a party and invite that little boy.  It really doesn't matter if he come or not, that will just show that mother that you won't steep to her level.  If she have a heart she will feel awful for not inviting your son.

hey liveandlove,

my son also used to get blamed for doing things that the other kids would do. The kids would blame my son UNTIL the teacher finally caught on!

If you know that your son did NOT do those things, please let the school know, principal, teacher, etc. need to know this. Your child could get labeled by both staff and students.

It was horrible for my son and ME! Good for you staying on top of this, and TELL for your son.

My son never complains or tells on anyone. He comes home and tells me. Then I have to contact the school. We have had many a time that my son was disciplined when actually he was the victim.

I had a similar situation with my daughter when she was in the fourth grade. Her best friend did not invite to her a sleepover birthday party at her house. Both her and my daughter had been best friends since 1st grade. They both had (have) social issues and not a lot of other friends. Her stepmom was trying to widen her circle of friends and felt my daughter was getting in the way. I think it broke my heart more than hers. They had always done everything together and I did a lot for them. I did say something to the stepmom, as I was shocked! Her response was it was the daughters idea and maybe I should not have my daughter include hers to our next party. They were trying to make her understand consequences in relationships!!! I told her my daughter was too loyal and would never do such a thing, especially for an agenda. Anyway it is 2 1/2 years later and they are still best friends........................it wasnt the girls fault she was (is) only a child, and a child with some special needs of her own..................

I feel for you and your son, I cant imagine it being the whole grade invited. Try to teach your son he needs to do what he feels is right. I agree to have him do somehting special and that day and include his own friends especially if they dont decide to go. You cant change people. This does not really have anything to do with the school per se, but I would ask for guidance from teh guidance counselor.

This same type of situation happened to my son in 1st grade.  Every boy in his class was invited to another boys birthday party at a really cool Laser Tag place.  My son wasn't invited even though the little boy wanted my son to come.  The boy came up to me in the hall and said "I'm sorry Josh can't come to my party, my dad just doesn't like him for some reason"!  I about died!  The boy was (and still is) a very sweet boy, but his dad just has issues.  My son was crushed but being so young he got over it pretty quick.  He is now in 5th grade and gets invited to everyone's party.  I feel soooo badly for your son.  At this particular age acceptance is so important...that mother should be hung by her toenails!  I just don't understand how an adult could be so cruel to a child, and a PTA vice pres to boot!  I loved Jaderock's idea...just show up, it is a grade party and he is in that grade!  Please keep us updated, I'd love to hear what excuse that women has for being such an idiot!

I'm soooo sorry!  This is one of my biggest fears for my son... though we are only at the 1st grade level, the kids have already figured out that he is the "trouble maker" so whenever they need someone to blame, its him!  Even when he's having a great day, he still gets in trouble, for things he DIDN'T do.  It makes me so angry and I just hurt for him.  He does try sooo hard, I wish I could just make his life easier for him...   It just hurts me that our kids have to go through this stuff... and its not their fault!!!