My family understands DD's issues in theory, but when we are somewhere and she has a meltdown for no understandable/apparent reason, they act like it's a discipline issue I should be taking care of. My mother once told me that I am too hard on DD, then in the next hour told me I am too easy on her. It's like my mom thinks there is a solution to this "problem" and that I am not working hard enough to find it. My MIL clearly favors my son, who appears not to have ADHD and who is happy and simple to understand, and MIL makes that very clear. It is one reason why we stay away from MIL.
I don't have anyone who is overtly negative or ugly towards my daughter (OMG, Bethann, I can't believe your brother!), but sometimes you can just see that they favor the other children in the family. Frankly, I can't blame them--the other children are more pleasant to be around most of the time. I just don't like when they are very obvious about it, like MIL ignoring DD and asking DS if he has anything to say.
MIL does not know about DD's diagnosis or meds. My family does know, and though they don't necessarily understand, they don't comment on our decisions, aside from occasional jabs (like asking my cousin, who has a 10-yo w/ ADHD whether she thinks it's "a little early" for DD to be diagnosed and on meds).
I had a brother who told my son he was going to F'ing kill my son, who was 7 at the time.
We don't have anything to do with family. Even though they know about my son, and my brother had learning disabilities, possibly adhd-more inattentive- growing up, they show NO compassion. It also didn't help that his wife's brother has adhd also. Ignorant!!
We tried for awhile, however, my brother did disgusting things like that to my son on more than one occassion and then said my son, and daughter who witnessed it, was lying!
Be careful!! Maybe your family is different than mine.
We cut off ties from them almost 2 yrs ago. They live no more than 10 minutes away.
But they are not worth it. The saying is true, you can't pick your family but you can pick your friends.
Keep an eye on them when your daughter is around. She is your first priority!
Best wishes!
Me again LOLI have a dd who has ADHD/ODD and has been on meds for almost 2 years. Most of her cousins do not want anything to do with her and I no longer speak to my sister (who also has an 8-yr-old). My dd can be/has been very agressive, hyper and can say things that most people would regret later. My "family" says they understand, but we find ourselves not invited to many gatherings and when things got really bad with my sister, she actually accused me of only medicating my child to control her, but she knows how she was prior to medication. We go to rountine counseling sessions, have workers come into our home to work with her and I have read every book I could find on ADHD/ODD. It is difficult to explain a meltdown and yes, I have been told my many of them that she should be put over a knee, have her mouth washed out, along with many other parenting "Tips". Sometimes, it is almost better to avoid large gatherings that are noisy, or where I know explosions will occur, or leave early if I see behavior problems about to occur (that is if we even get invited). It is so hard because my dd looks just like every other kid, but they can't appreciate what happens inside her head when she is "out of control", it sometimes hard for me to appreciate it too.
The best advice I can think of is to tell your family members that you would prefer to be the sole disciplinarian at these family events. That if your daughter needs corrected, to please approach you and allow you to deal with her directly. You may just tell them that she responds best to you.....etc.
Another thing might be to get your hands on some really good ADHD books and give them to a few of your family members. Ask them to help give you advice after reading them, etc. The unfortunate thing I find is that, in general, the older generation doesn't even believe that ADHD exists, and this is true even for some of the younger generation.
If all else fails, you may find that you need to be like a hawk at these events. To always keep an eye on your daughter. To try and thwart any incidents before they happen....and if she is having a meltdown to either take her to your car or in a bedroom or down the street-whatever- to get some privacy so that she isn't embarrassed for causing a scene and your family members don't get to be involved, first hand, with what she is doing.
How unfortunate! We should be able to turn to our families for support and encouragement! We as parents need this "safe haven" as much as our ADHD children do! Good luck.
i have no problems with my family we have some with my fiances but thats a long story
although we have and had friends who just dident and dont understand they feel it is becouse she wants to be the way she is and some what to our faces listens when we say its not her fault i know i cant give an answer becouse im way SOFT in this sittuation 4 my dd but i just want to say i feel for u and i hope u find ur way of dealing with it