parents with defiant teens | ADHD Information

Good luck Will's mama!!!!!!

What part of what I said seemed to make sense for you?

And lemme know how you make out with Will. I'm sure it's not gonna be an easy ride

The part where you said to not ask him if he did something that I KNOW he did.. It makes sense that that's not the issue and if given a choice, he will lie, which in turn, will make me furious and the battle begins..

My husband has more problems with the control issues and power struggles but he's a different story..

I hope I make it too, or at least 1/2 way thru the evening as opposed to lately, where it's been on the 5 minute trip back home from school. And it all goes down hill from there.

I have such a hard time letting things go. Even though we've been dealing with issues from him for several years, I just cannot ignore his bad behavior. He is the LOUDEST kid I have ever met.

He is just so darn defiant and annoyed by everything.. I know that he's a good, loving kid, but I have just not seen that side of hiim in SO long.

He's not on meds right now because his ped. won't medicate until he sees the results of the neuropshychological test.

I am going ask the psychologist about meds and maybe talk to the pediatrician again.

 

 

Oh, well that mkaes sense, can't treat if they are unsure. I would for sure call psychologist about this behavior though. He is going through something.

What do you do when you catch your kid in an act and they actually deny they did it?

My son is in such denial that I think he truly believes his lies.

He had a tantrum this a.m. and knocked down all his pez dispensers on display in front of my husband.  My husband asked him why he did that and my son said they fell.  My husband said he saw him knock them down.

A 13 year old acting like a two year old!

He is getting thrown out of English class for disrespectful behaviour and too much talking.  He insists he did nothing.  You show him the reports of bad behavior and he denies it.  He says it with a straight face too. 

I'm worried.  He doesn't even know when he is being disrespectful or he doesn't care.  When he gets anxious or frutrated my husband says he can't control his mouth.

This a.m. when he was acting disrespectful to me I pointed out the specific behavior that was bad - swearing and yelling back - he could care less.  Thinks I deserve it.

I have to figure out how to manage him without meds right now.  I don't even know if meds will help.  How do you medicate a person who's problem is his temperment? 

Just so frustrated. 

I went through a similar issue with my daughter after the holidays. She was lying right to my face and I knew it. We realized she was completely overwhelmed at school and starting a depression. We added Zoloft and that behavior did stop. I'm not sure why you are trying to manage without meds, but for us that was the answer. Her doctor said these kids get SO discouraged with themsleves it doesnt even matter. They are not intentionally screwing up, they just dont see any way out. We are not big on ignoring behaviors (especially at this age). We do not like to allow her disability to give her a free pass on unacceptable behavior. She still knows right from wrong. She also needs to know there are always consequences. But we also had to help bring her around.  So we gave her ways to earn back some priveleges (that were taken away during this mess). We then got her on the zoloft, she did get past it.

We know he is going through something.  He can't handle any kind of stress and if you make suggestions to him that will help alleviate the stress he gets mad.

For example, he had a fit this a.m. because the shoes he had to wear to school were too tight.  He had to dress up for a jazz competition.  So, do you think he would have told me they were tight a little earlier?

He couldn't find a belt.  Do you know why? His room looks like Oscar Madison's from the Odd couple.  When I pointed out to him that the consequence of living in a messy room results in not finding things,  he gets mad.

I understand that the extreme messiness and dissorganization is partly due to the ADD or whatever.  If he actually attempted to get organized and took instruction and just couldn't do it, I'd understand.  But, he just get's defiant when asked to do anything.

I think he is dealing with the possibility of having ADD and not being different. He knows he is a little different than the other kids but he doesn't want to be.  He won't accept that he can be helped to feel better and function better if he would just accept help and treatment.

Oh, he hates the psychologist.  Ofcourse, he would hate anyone.  He didn't like the first one we went to either.  The poor little guy is his own worst enemy.

As a parent, I get so frustrated. I want to help him and protect him but he just makes it difficult. 

I know you're all feeling frustrated as parents. I worked in social services with active drug users that were mentally ill so I hope I have some tactics to share that might help a bit.

If you see someone DO something--don't ask them if they did it--TELL them they did it. Asking them opens up a conversation you don't want to have and may set them up to lie to you. Asking WHY is equally useless since they usually don't know why. Try simply stating the facts and trying to find a solution [eg: pick up the pez dispensers]Self-control for some people is very very difficult. If you try to turn it into a control struggle you are bound to lose either through passivity or aggressiveness. Try asking, "I can see you are struggling right now. What do you think YOU are capable of doing at this moment to get some control back?"When someone is escalating their behaviour try asking, "How can I help?" This has amazing shock value for someone who is used to being blamed.Keep in mind [and I know it's hard when someone is being verbally abusive] that it isn't about YOU. It's about *their* frustration and inability to 'respond normally'.

Try to find some positive activities.

Praise hard work--not intent. You may not think the room is clean enough but if they cleared off the desk, remember it was a small, completed task and a big deal for THEM.

Don't set yourself up for defiance. You can't fight defiance. Try asking, "What needs to happen?" and when you get a response ask "How can I help you MAKE that happen"?

WAIT...WAIT...WAIT

I know you don't want to ignore bad behaviour but just like a dog trainer--you can't teach 10 tricks at a time. Pick the behaviour that drives you buggy the most and try to work that out. That also teaches a valuable lesson to frustrated people--that problems are solved in small bites, not big chunks!

Remember, if two behaviours change per year, in a few years, you will release the wonderful kid you always knew your kid could be...

Thank you MetisRebel this is all so true. My daughters room is also such a complete disaster we lose everything in there! But you are right. When we went through "her thing" ( we ALL went through it). We did just that, dropped the issues about the room, dropped the issues about watching tv and computer time. I was on her about completing her homework and if not she lost privilege. She got to the point she lost all tv, computer, video games on school nights. Unfortunately that made it worse, no window, so to speak. Math teacher said better to rush through homework to get to the privelege as step one, at least small effort is better than no effort. So that is how we started the climb out. Gave her back 30 minutes an eveing of t.v. no matter what. She did start doing her homework again, and we slowly implemented a different way to check that it was done without her getting defensive and lying.  She  eventually got back all her privileges eventually.

rswf, this is all sounds easy on paper, but it is NOT. Try to overlook some stuff, but dont beat yourself up about the times you dont, or if you do lose your patience. You're trying and that is what matters. No one method is perfect, just keep trying. Tkae veryone's advice, but apply what works for you and your family. You have to stick to your beliefs too. I find I can usually use a piece of everyone's advice and get my own method going.

Keep us updated.

Oh I know it's not easy--for a while there with my client base I was sure my name was "FECK OFF!" *laff*

Any you're so right Dianne, every situation and every person is different so one has to adapt the techniques to what is workable.

It's funny too--you noticed as I did that those little wins lead to bigger wins and soon you have a reasonable person to deal with instead of a raving lunatic *laff*

I used to say, "Set your clients [kid] up to WIN and watch them blossom!"

And yes, I've had a few foster kids, one with ADHD so badly that he had the attention span of a gnat and was unbelievably violent with frustration. Because I had it, we would play "word games" spinning from topic to topic while my ex-husband stood there utterly baffled *chuckle*

If yer stuck with it--play with it!

Another point--I studied psych and all the research states that punishment is the LEAST effective method for behavioural change. In my experience, I've found that to be true.

What does work is *success*.

Praise, according to research, only works when in relationship to *work*--not attempts.

In simple terms--kicking the dog will not make it stop barking. Ask it to DO something [sit] then reward the *work* not every time, but every few times. That causes the dog to work very hard for SOME rewards. I found this to be true with kids, people with mental disorders and drug users and concurrent disorders.

The weird part is that having unmedicated ADHD made it EASIER to deal with manics, bi-polars, sociopaths, people who were stoned and violent individuals. Figure THAT out *laff*. My mind was like a moving train taking in uncounted amounts of information faster than the client could process.

It was afterwards--if I didn't have time to de-stimulate for at least 1/2 an hour to an hour-- I went utterly bonkers and was totally incapable of any focus.
MetisRebel39211.4888541667

MetisRebel,

Thanks for your post.. I think I just had a lightbulb mom 

I've been trying to do everything backwards.. I will work on changing that starting in 30 minutes when I pick up Will from school.

Wish me luck!

it's so hard when they are SO defiant...