the guilt! | ADHD Information

 

I think we can all understand where you are coming from. It is hard not to compare a non-ADHD child and one that has it. That is the first thing I am stopping myself from doing. Before we new our ds was ADHD I would think what is this kids problem, his 5 year old sister is 100% more mature than him. I would dread the things we would do together as a family because he was so disruptive and nasty to his sister.     Now that we are getting help and I am understanding that I can not compare the two EVER it is helping. I am handling him in a whole different way and it is helping. I am sooooooooooo much more patiencent with him and do not expect quite as much as I used to. Quick rewards for tasks completed seems to help and motivate him alot. I think he feels my hostility toward him starting to melt away and I feel it too. Hang in there and find the right meds. It makes a world of difference.

Gail

I thought I was the only one who harbored "just go to bed and be quit" thoughts! "let me have peace". I have 4 children 1 has just been diagnosed ADHD, my second  child, my older child is the poster child for perfect lol her grades are great she excels at everything and has a very mature demeaner. I really enjoy her company. it's is difficult to not compare. Most people want all their children to be perfect or as perfect as possible-not gonna happen not even with the ones who appear to be perfect.

But now that we know what is going on with our son we've disscussed our parenting techniques and we are changing them accordingly to fit all the children. So one doesn't feel left out or feels like they are loved less. We love everyone of them dearly.

 

don't beat yourself up ....take a deep breath regroup and go on. It will be ok. honest.

I feel my "head" gets more wrapped up in my daughter with ADHD also. It is SO mentally exhausting. I am with you on just finally relaxing when she goes to bed. She is not really even very defiant or hyper (my typical ???? 5 year old is hyper). I understand every word you say, including the guilt, but in my heart know I am doing every thing I can for her. She is almost 13 and getting past the snuggling stage, but a daily hug and I love you gets in there no matter WHAT :o). Don't beat yourself up, sounds like you are doing a lot.

masd, the excessive crying is something that you may need to talk with your doctor about...some people use tenex for the ODD type behaviors.  My doctor will not prescribe tenex so we are using OMEGA 3 fish oil with high EPA...I think this is helping with some of the crabby side effects caused by the stimulant meds.   I agree with you that the ADHD child DOES take more time, effort, and worry than the non ADHD child.  My DD is only three but I am making sure that I make an effort to be fair with both children...we have special time while DS is in school.  My worst time of the day is homework because I have to keep DD busy and quiet and help DS complet his work quickly so we can all go out and play.

Good luck and don't feel guilty we can only do our best

I have a 4YO son who appears to be a typical, ADHD-free kid, and a 6YO daughter, who has ADHD.  My son is simple--he's happy, he's sweet, he's pretty easy--when he's mad, there is a reason, and it passes.  My daughter is not that way.  Like most people with one kid w/ issues, I spend about 75% of my parenting time on my daughter.  I think about her, her meds, what I can do differently, how exhausted I am, etc. and I spend tons of time driving her around town and making sure that I am at every activity and stuff like that. 

So I spend all this time on her, but I don't enjoy it all that much.  She's just so hard.  I would do anything for her, but I don't feel like snuggling on her bed with her at bedtime--I just want her to go to sleep so I can have some peace.  I DO like snuggling with my son.  He's so uncomplicated.  I try so hard not to let DD see the difference, but obviously she can feel it. 

I'm feeling like such a bad mother right now.  I want to be able to feel sorry for DD for how hard it must be for her, but I find it very hard to do that.  I'm just so exhausted.  She cries 15 times a day (that's a conservative estimate), and I just don't feel sorry for her when she does it that many times.  It's hard to take it seriously or empathize when she cries in front of the mirror while she watches herself! 

How do you all do it?

You aren't a bad mother--if you were--you wouldn't care if you favoured one kid's personality over the other!

It's normal to have preferences in people and kids are people. Me, I like calm people because they offset the ball of fire that's in me.

You LOVE your dd through thick and thin and exhaustion. Give yourself some credit!

I have a friend who always cried very easily, even as a kid. I love her to bits because it gives ME the freedom to cry. But I can see how it drove her family nuts. I just kinda let her leak away without taking it too seriously and now--she hardly cries around me at all--strangely enough.

I'd say just carry on through the tears as if they were a natural response and not to make too much fuss. The leakage might slow down, at least around you. Either that or ask the doc--is she on any meds?


We're adjusting meds right now.  She started on Focalin at the beginning of March--that was her first med.  We switched her to Daytrana starting yesterday.  I think she's in the middle of adjusting, and I don't think the 10 mg patch is enough for her.  So she's in a tough spot.  But she is ALWAYS in a tough spot, it seems.  ARGH.  My husband's mother is bipolar, so he grew up in a crazy household and one of his talents is repressing his feelings--when I talk about how I feel about DD, he just looks at me like I have three heads.  I can't imagine that he finds her pleasant to deal with, but it's apparently unacceptable to talk about it.  Thank goodness for my therapist.