Letter to school want opinions please | ADHD Information

Hi everyone. I just wanted to finish this with a follow up.

The principal did call me and we had a very short conversation. The overall tone of the conversation was defensive on her part. I fel as though she was defending the school and the policy.

She did state that the teachers did not hold each student to the same standards....the ones with IEP's, or other problems, were given more leniency before they were given a mark, etc. (this i was not aware of)

The purpose of my letter was not to "complain." It was merely a heartfelt matter to me and I wanted to bring to their attention the way the program, I felt, could work against certain kids.

As for my son, his only problem was during the beginning of the year when he was not turning in his homework, (not because he did not do it, but because he could not find it) and so, this resulted in his getting too many marks and not being allowed to attend the first party. However, in this regard, for every assignment missed after that, he still was given a mark, but it was not enough for him to be unable to attend the parties after that.

So, basically, I feel that the letter was mis-interpreted and will do little, if nothing to change any of their policy.

From a brighter side, at least I got it off of my chest.

Hi- I guess I have ADHD too because this is the 3rd time I have had to register an account because I can not remember my user name from the last time or password. LOL ANYWAY- it has been months since I have posted and have never done so regularly so I guess it doesn't really matter. What I am posting today is a copy of a letter I have written to the principal of my child's school. It addresses a system they have in place for the 6th grade students that has big parties at the end of each semester for those students who maintain good grades, turn in their assignments, and do not present a behavioral issue in the classroom. These parties consist of celebrations after school that resemble dance type environments, and one is a major end of the year field trip to a theme park.....but, if your child has any weakness in the above mentioned areas, they do not get to go. As parents of ADHD children, you can see your children struggling in all of these areas. My intentions are stated in the letter. I have not sent it to the principal yet and I wanted to hear how it reads to you. It is meant to be helpful and it is with honorable intentions that I wrote it. So, if you have the time, (it is long, ) please read it and tell me how you interpret it. Thank you very much! (I have XXX'd out the parts that identify the school or myself.)

I feel compelled to write you this letter to share an opinion I have concerning the 6th grade “party program.”

First, I want to say that I understand the concept of the “reward” system and know that your intentions are, as your motto states, “to encourage all students to achieve their personal best.” I assume this means not just academically but in all areas of their lives. This is an admirable standard/goal and no one can argue that.

If I wasn’t a mother of a child with ADHD, I would have attended 6th grade orientation night, having heard of this 6th grade program, and not had another thought about it. However, I know the obstacles my child faces on a daily basis; the struggles with self-esteem generated by his inability to CONSISTENTLY conform to societal standards.

For our children, they do not need any extra emphasis placed on their short-comings. From the beginning of their school years, they learn they are not easily accepted by their peers. Their impulsivity is a turn off, their lack of spatial awareness to other kids, their hyper-active nature, sets them apart from the early years and those reputations follow them for the rest of their lives. As a result, our children tend to withdraw. They begin to see themselves as “less than.”

As parents of ADHD children, we struggle right along side them. Our children do not respond to typical parenting tactics. Consequently, we are always educating ourselves, always changing our techniques, always searching for that one “trick” that will be the something that transforms our child into the type of child that learns from mistakes, responds to proper modeling, avoids punishments, and controls their impulses.

Unfortunately, we find that, all too often, these simple things that are taken for granted by other parents, are the very things that we, as parents of these children, do not receive from our children on a CONSISTENT basis. They have good days and bad days. Yesterday is not an indication of today.

It is because our children live “in the moment” that XXX “party program” fails them.

Our children, who are already the ones who receive few birthday party invitations-shunned by their peers because of things that are generally beyond their control, suffer here. They struggle daily with not only academic issues, but peer group issues, feelings of inferiority, reprimands from their teachers, and issues in their home environment.

Many of our children have to take strong narcotic medicine to meet the demands placed on them in an academic setting. These medicines are not kind to their bodies or their minds. There are mood swings, weight loss, stunting of their growth, sleep problems, head aches and stomach aches to deal with. This is known as the “rebound effect.” As parents, we loose sleep over these things- wondering if we are doing right by our child putting this into their bodies.

Other kids have already placed the labels on our children. Our children, themselves, have already classified themselves……to have a celebration at the end of a grading period, to single out those that cannot conform and, to basically put them on display as the “unworthies” does ADHD children a lot more harm than good.

I wonder if you have ever researched this program to find out if the kids at the beginning of the year, that were unable to attend the first party, were the same kids at the end of the year still unable to attend the last party? For those kids, has your program served its purpose? I.e.-did they change their behavior and conform to get the reward? If not, was it within their ability? IF not, is it fair to withhold the reward?

When I was in school, the “troubled kids” were dealt with in a discreet manner. (as much as possible.) Yes, we knew who they were because we were in the classroom with them and saw the student-teacher interactions, but this concept of public humiliation, such as your “party program” exhibits, was not done. It was kept quiet, between the teacher and the parent of the “difficult” student. I presume it was done this way in the interest of the child, for the purpose of maintaining some dignity.

I guess what I am trying to say is that all kids are not created equal. Some are blessed with an even temperament. All kids struggle with something, I DO realize that. But some kids have the odds so stacked against them, that every single day is like climbing a mountain.

This program you have, I truly feel, is biased. For some, it requires no effort. NONE. For others, it is a challenge but they can achieve it. But for a few, for a select few, it is literally impossible. So, deal with these select few on an individual, private basis. Allow them to maintain their dignity. These few that struggle socially, to then deprive them of an opportunity to interact with their peers outside of the restrictive, academic environment, (such as the XXX party) is somewhat cruel. It prevents other children from seeing these children at their best, because of who they are, most of them aren’t given that chance by their peers. ( in the way of birthday party invitations or sleep-over’s, etc)

So, I just write this letter with the purpose of sharing my viewpoints with you, from the perspective of a parent of an ADHD child. However, ADHD isn’t the only type of child that could be adversely affected by your “party program.” Insert any child with behavioral/social issues. I only speak of ADHD because I have lived it for almost 12 years now.

I am not saying that the behaviors you reward/punish with this program should go un- addressed. I am merely suggesting to you that to so openly ostracize the “struggling” kids is causing them social and emotional harm. I truly believe this. The school needs to go back to working with these students and their parents on a one-on-one basis in a private setting to preserve the child’s dignity.

Allow all the 6th graders to participate in these celebrations as a “right of passage” from the elementary years. I urge you to reconsider it to be a ”privilege earned by those who are worthy.” All our children are facing so many pressures- negative influences in media, divorce, lack of religion and on and on and on and on…………they need support and encouragement.

My son’s first public school experience has been at XXX. (began 5th grade) I believe it has been a strong academic one and a struggle socially. However, for him, this may be his lot in life. My hope is that he will begin to overcome some of the obstacles that ADHD presents and will grow, mature, and thrive in the coming years. This letter is not about him, specifically. It is just to offer another insight or point-of-view. My son was unable to attend the first celebration……he did receive some N’s and a U….however, this was not a behavioral issue for him, but an academic one. He was doing his homework, but he was careless in putting it where he could actually find it to turn it in. So, all of his marks stemmed from his disorganization……which, with all the chaos constantly in his head, is the biggest obstacle for him of all his ADHD issues. Because I am an at-home mom, I was able to CONSTANTLY work with him to keep him on track with this issue and it has been, “somewhat” resolved. However, I know some other families are not as fortunate and this problem could potentially be a major academic downfall for kids like my son.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. It is something that I feel passionate about.

I LOVE it! Good for you.

It is extremely well written and very diplomatic.

My son has a similar program in place at his school, in which they get "tickets" for wrongdoings, both academic (failing to turn in work) and behaviorally. Most of Chase's tickets are for the academic, though the ticket giving is so arbitrary that some teachers are inconsistent, giving a ticket for something that the day before went unnoticed. Or in my son's homeroom teacher, giving a ticket to the child for something that the parent failed to do (send in picture money on the due date).

I hope that the achool will take your letter into consideration and rethink this program....

Does he have an IEP? You would really get more results with one.

Well written letter btw, hope it helps.

Your letter is so well written. I kept nodding my head in agreement as I read. Please send it today not only to the principal but also to the superintendent, curriculum director, school board members and any other powers that be!! It is not only the principal that has a say in these things. (trust me, I'm a teacher.)

Good luck!!

Bedwyn, this is a very poinant letter that really conveys how such a program unfairly impacts ADHD children. I think you should send it and cc the school psychologist and superintendent.

Reminds me of the "Student of the Month" or whatever they called it at my childrens' old (Catholic) school -they just didn't get ADD. My daughter never got picked because basically, they picked the kids with the best grades, never had a bad day, etc. As a parent of an ADD child, you know that if you have a focusing issue, you might not be getting those straight A's. I do NOT like any reward for children who get the best grades. I have 2 other daughters (one older, one younger) that are not ADD and they would get picked and there was the middle one, crying every month. What if your child isn't ADD but isn't a genius? My oldest one is naturally gifted but should she be rewarded because she was given this talent? She doesn't work nearly as hard as my middle one who though she now gets honor roll, she has to work twice as hard to get those grades.

These schools just don't get it. I hope you get this policy changed.

This is just wrong at so many levels. I can feel my blood pressure going up already.

This year he has missed a couple by one ticket over the limit. For not turning in homework presumably, because I have gotten no notes about behavior at all. On Friday, he got a ticket because I forgot to send in his picture money on the due date. How that was his fault, I have no idea. I sent the teacher an email 2 days ago and have had no response so far.

I am so mad that he has missed out on these for things that are indicative of his ADHD.

He goes to the middle school next year and they have a tiered referral system, where he will get warnings, etc before a referral is given. The reward for no referrals for an entire grading period is a day off of school, something he is bound to strive for!

At least someone at that school grew few brain cells!
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Bedwyn, where were you two years ago when I needed this letter? You have done a fantastic job of describing the problems faced by children with ADHD and your letter is very straight forward. You did a great job! I'm glad you forwarded it, but you need to also send it to the Board of Education, there's where you will get results.

Chasesmom,

Two years ago the school sent a letter home two weeks before field day that any child who has had referrals would not be allowed to participate and my son was not allowed. I called and talked to the Principal and also had an indepth conversation with the PE teacher who decided this. I let her know that the only children not allowed to attend were children with disabilities and that was discrimination. I was told that it would go as planned and my child and the others not allowed would be given work to do in another class that day. I kept him home and sent an excuse saying he was home having fun because his mom did not want him to experience the blatant discrimination that was encouraged by the school.

I think it a shame that they call the kids name out loud who can't attend in your son's school. How embarrassing for the children.

Well written letter... My dd's school has "Cougar awards" for their mascot. Each student in the school will receive one award... be it helpfulness, sportmanship, leadership and all around effort. They are given out infront of the whole school every Friday morning.. several students from each grade each time. It is wonderful... there is a little boy who has autism, he is now in 3rd grade and main streamed... when he got his award... the student body and the parents cheered for him... he had the biggest ear to ear grin you ever saw.

I find it hard to believe that a school of all places would have something in place that excludes children for a huge party that is such a big deal at the end of the school year. Shame on them.

That made me cry, you said everything I couldn't put into coherant words. It was perfect! send it as is. May I make a copy of it with some revisions to make it fit my childs school ?

When I got to the part of no invitations, I just broke down my baby has gone through all that.

Absolutely deserves a round of applause.

Please let us know what feedback you receive from the school.

Hi everyone-thank you for all of your input.

I just wanted to let you know that I have just sent the letter to the Principal, the Ex Ed Teacher, and the Guidance Counselor.

I'll let you know if I get any response. As my son graduates in a few days, the changes/if any that they make won't effect him, but it may help others in the coming years.

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I find it hard to believe that a school of all places would have something in place that excludes children for a huge party that is such a big deal at the end of the school year. Shame on them.

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We have Panther awards here, too....they used to be able to turn those in to negate a ticket....but no longer. Our school has incentive parties in the middle of each grading period (progress report time), and at the end of the grading period. Only those children that have fewer than 6 tickets can attend. Not only do children often not know that they are getting a ticket, they have no clue of their running total. So on the day of the incentive, names are called out of those children that cannot attend. These parties are...extra recess time, ice cream sundaes, pop and a movie.....the excluded kids get a lecture on how they need to try harder for next time. Chase last year (pre dx and treatment) did not attend ONE of these parties. The only one he got to go to was the end of the year one after he started his meds.

This year he has missed a couple by one ticket over the limit. For not turning in homework presumably, because I have gotten no notes about behavior at all. On Friday, he got a ticket because I forgot to send in his picture money on the due date. How that was his fault, I have no idea. I sent the teacher an email 2 days ago and have had no response so far.

I am so mad that he has missed out on these for things that are indicative of his ADHD.

He goes to the middle school next year and they have a tiered referral system, where he will get warnings, etc before a referral is given. The reward for no referrals for an entire grading period is a day off of school, something he is bound to strive for!chasesmom7939218.3379976852Your letter is very well written! I hope things change because of it. My ds goes to a school that used to have a student of the month. He was crestfallen because he was never picked. It's too bad the schools don't have a type of reward for ADHD kids that they have the ability to achieve.Very passionate and well written. I would ALSO add somewhere in that"

"All children respond to immediate rewards and immediate consequences. For any child to be punished for some incident that happened months ago is futile. It is alarming in that it shows a complete ignorance of understanding what motivates children to behave in an acceptable fashion. This is an understanding of basic child psychology."