I’m confused please give me advice? | ADHD Information

A big hug to all of you.(((Hugs))).

I just came back from a family event with just my son and my folks. My husband had to stay home and work. My son was okay - He was relaxed and although he is socially shy around strange adults, (who isn't right?) he was the only teen at a party of adults and toddlers and he hung with the adults and actually participated in conversation.

He handled the airport pretty well, had a minor mini meltdown when he couldn't get the shoes untied fast enough for security, but I forgive that.

What I learned this weekend is that most of my son's anxiety and lack of a better word "bad" behavior is school related. He was away from school for 4 days.

Now, he did pull his lack of respect and back talk at one point and I threatened to take the computer game away - amazing, he apologized to me.

I got the book "A bird's eye view" from amazon that was written by teens for kids with ADD. It is wonderful and I see my son all over the place. Now to get him to read it.

I am taking a deep breath. I am so emotionally drained right now, I'm a tad depressed, and I usually am pretty grounded.

I am taking all of your advice - all of it. I am going to wait for the test results. I will continue looking for a new therapist. This should give me more time.

I won' dismiss the current therapist till I have a new one, because, God forbid, I need him, but I just don't think he is a good fit. I think he is competent, and in fact, his son has ADD and is going through a denial thing too. I think he has empathy, and I will continue to help my son towards admitting he needs help.

He also has this perfection thing going on but instead of sticking with something till he gets it right, if it's not perfect right away - he quits.

My husband and I are also going to find a discipline plan and stick with it - we are kind of inconsistent.

[QUOTE=rswf]

A big hug to all of you.(((Hugs))).

That's a great start

He handled the airport pretty well, had a minor mini meltdown when he couldn't get the shoes untied fast enough for security, but I forgive that.

What I learned this weekend is that most of my son's anxiety and lack of a better word "bad" behavior is school related. He was away from school for 4 days.

Now, he did pull his lack of respect and back talk at one point and I threatened to take the computer game away - amazing, he apologized to me.

I got the book "A bird's eye view" from amazon that was written by teens for kids with ADD. It is wonderful and I see my son all over the place. Now to get him to read it.

Try leaving it in the bathroom. Hopefully, curiousity will get the better of him and it's private.

I am taking a deep breath. I am so emotionally drained right now, I'm a tad depressed, and I usually am pretty grounded.

You're going through a lot of change right now. Be patient with yourself. It didn't take only a couple of weeks to get here and it's going to take a while longer to get out.

I am taking all of your advice - all of it. I am going to wait for the test results. I will continue looking for a new therapist. This should give me more time.

He also has this perfection thing going on but instead of sticking with something till he gets it right, if it's not perfect right away - he quits.

Been there. Done that. Hang in there

My husband and I are also going to find a discipline plan and stick with it - we are kind of inconsistent.

Figure out what really NEEDS fixing and let the rest go by the wayside for now. Tomorrow is another day...

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Katastophee: Wow very good, but when you are going through severe problems it is hard to see it. I strongly disagree with the word disorder too: This word tells kids there is something wrong with them. I always told my son I hated that word and that there wasn't anything wrong with him or his brain, only that he needed to try and slow it down sometimes.

I think they should change the label to Oversensitivity to one's environment. Okay it needs a little work but you get the drift.

gbfe16

ommas39764.6859143519 [QUOTE=rswf]

metisrebel - in answer to your questions,

My son doesn't think anything is wrong. Deep, deep down he knows something is not quite right, he just is so afraid of being labeled Special ED. He wants to be independent and just wont admit that if he just cooperated and took instruction, he could be helped with his executive functioning.

He admits he sometimes can't control his emotions, but he won't admit to ADD or anything else.

Stay with the admissions he's made. That may be as far as he can accept it right now.

I have been unsure of this therapist for a while. First, we had my dad take my son to one visit because my son trusts my dad. Unfortunately, my dad didn't care for him and I think expressed that to my son.!!!

We have taken my son to see him but it has always been in context of family therapy, trying to get my son to admit he has problems. This just made my son angry. He hates this guy but he'd hate anyone. I can't get my son to go alone. I feel this therapist has not been able to get a connection with him.

Still, this therapist really seems to understand my son. He even has a son with ADD that is going through denial. So, there is empathy there.

That's the problem. I suggest another therapist as soon as you can.

The problem with counselling happens when a counseller is in a similar position as the client. It causes a therapeutic blindness [not meant but there nonetheless] unless the counsellor has extremely good supportive supervison which is NOT provided by 90% of the agencies.

That is what is meant by the term "Counter-transference"

Maybe that is what you and grandpa are picking up on?

I agree about cross the drug thing when we get there.

I guess I was hoping there were techniques to help my kid out of his denial. I can help my kid with his anxiety but he won't take any suggestions because he thinks he doesn't have anxiety.

What is he anxious about?

I read this great ADD book by Dr. Amen, I forget his first name Anyway - he is a psychiatrist and he feels that a lot of the ODD behaviors in kids and adults with ADD is because the brain needs the adrenelin that is produced as a stimulant when conflict arises. Makes sense.

Well, all I can do is make sure he is safe and God forbid, there is another emergency, I do have this therapist.

This weekend, we are going away to visit my sister out of state. My son loves my sister and nieces and I'm hoping that we can all relax. I know that unfamiliar situtations will make him anxious, which will make him act poorly, but I'll try to control my behavior and get through it.

Thanks.

There ARE way to cut resistance. Telling someone what's wrong with them [even when it's true] isn't the most effective way. Unfortunately, many schools of study still adhere to the old techniques.

Asking someone will get you much, much farther. I worked with a kid, living in a shelter with diagnosed schizophrenia and nobody could get him to admit it. I spent 3 months and never brought the word up. He kept telling me he had a "pot addiction".[self medication]

I just listened to everything he said and helped him manage his behaviour so he wouldn't get kicked out.

One day he finally said, "There's something wrong with me. My brain doesn't work right."

So I asked, "what could cause that?"

He said, "I'm mentally sick maybe."

ME: "Can you NAME the sickness?"

HIM: "They say I'm schizophrenic."

ME: "Do you agree?"

He started to cry and said, "Yes" so we got him some medication.

The problem was that the more people tried to label him--the HARDER it was to get him to agree. Nobody wants to accept a life-long disorder. It's easier to hope it will go away. It's easier to blame it on something that we can control. That's NORMAL.

Patience, my friend PATIENCE. This can get better.
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He's not an MD, so you can pretty much disregard anything he says about meds. You cannot prescribe if you don't have "MD" at the end of your name. Who knows if your son won't take meds until you try; why bother guessing what he'll do.

I (just a parent!) do not think you should focus on getting him out of denial. That's a really theraputic approach to a neurological condition. He's suppose to verbalize that he has this condition, how it is affecting him, and say "help me!" etc, before getting any real help? I would just talk about things that will help him and stop talking about what's wrong with him -- like organization tools, reminder bracelets, rewards for achieving target behaviors, tutoring, a social skills class--whatever it is that you think he needs. I would be positive. Personally, I don't think therapy helps fundamental ADHD symptoms; it helps secondary issues like low self-esteem and anxiety. Therapy will not help focus, it will not help weak organizational skills, it will not reduce hyperactivity.

Telling you that you can admit him to a hospital if he does not agree to therapy is just silly to me. How about finding a doctor that he clicks with instead? It is HARD to get a good "fit." Have you asked your son what he thinks about this doctor?

The personality test sounds like bad news to me. Is that a test for personality disorders?? Do you want to go there? I believe personality disorders are diagnosed on a purely subjective basis.

Okay - so today my husband and I met with the psychologist, who, as you may or may not know from my previous posts, I"m not sure about.

Oh, good news sort of - I called the hospital that will be giving my son additional testing and they said they were evaluating his app. now and he could get the test during the summer. THey will determine the tests needed and she said if a neuropshychological test isn't listed to just call and ask.

Back to topic - So, the main thing with this therapist is bring my kid out of denial because you can't help a person who won't help himself, etc. etc.

He asked if he was in danger of failing school. Right now he'll get promoted - barely.

We explained to him about the ODD being the main obstacle, how we were doing everything he suggested - mainly pointing out the conflicting behaviours.

I even told him I ordered a book from Amazon with success stories about teens and ADHD for him to read. My therapist thought that was a great idea and he wanted the name of the book.

I asked him what do we do if my son still won't admit he has problems? He basically said you can't force him into therapy unless you admit him to a hospital.

This is how we left it. The therapist wants my son to have a personality test as part of the testing. When I get the list of test, I am to send them to him.

We continue to be empathetic, trying to make my son realize his behaviors are symptmatic of ADD and anxiety.

We will make an apt. after we get the test results.

My husband was satisfied. I'm confused. I thought that psychologists could help kids and people?

He did tell me that if they need to medicate him they won't prescribe stimulants because of his anxiety.

He also told me that even if they put him on a drug program, my son may not take the meds.

I like the guy personally but I'm so confused.

My plan is to just wait for the test results and then see what the Dr.'s say about the results during the consultation. I can then tell them what is going on.

Does this sound right?

I have been getting help on my own by reading books.

I"m so confused. I said that, didn't I.

I can't get rid of this guy until I replace him because I need him because any accomodations that are given by the school need a diagnosis document.

Any comments? Am I doing the right thing?

I think you should go ahead and wait for the testing. Then make your decisions. I agree it is silly to not treat due to the anxiety. My daughter has anxiety and ADHD. I understnad what he is saying, we are actually NOT able to use stimulants partly because of her anxiety, but lots of people do just fine. You can take ant anxiety with stimulants just fine. Get your testing adn build up all your advice while you wait. This way you will be as informed as possible once the results are in and you can always find another physicain then to handle you medication management.

metisrebel - in answer to your questions,

He admits he sometimes can't control his emotions, but he won't admit to ADD or anything else.

Still, this therapist really seems to understand my son. He even has a son with ADD that is going through denial. So, there is empathy there.

I agree about cross the drug thing when we get there.

I guess I was hoping there were techniques to help my kid out of his denial. I can help my kid with his anxiety but he won't take any suggestions because he thinks he doesn't have anxiety.

Well, all I can do is make sure he is safe and God forbid, there is another emergency, I do have this therapist.

Thanks.

Why are stims outruled because of anxiety? Many times, just adding the stim and treating the ADHD eases the anxiety at least somewhat...the anxiety oftem stems from the constant feeling of not having control, of trying your best only to still have problems at school, work, etc....

I know this and I am just a lowly parent not a psychologist...why would stims not be tried and then see if the anxiety eases, if it doesn't it can be helped with a drug in addition to the stim if the stim is working well in other areas. Look up on the internet on anxiety/ADHD, and I am willing to bet you will find a lot of info on it getting better many times simply by getting effective treatment for the ADHD symptoms, namely a stimulant med.

I would be shopping for another doc, but I do see your dilemma in needing him for the time being. [QUOTE=rswf]

Okay - so today my husband and I met with the psychologist, who, as you may or may not know from my previous posts, I"m not sure about.

How long have you been seeing him and why are you unsure?

Back to topic - So, the main thing with this therapist is bring my kid out of denial because you can't help a person who won't help himself, etc. etc.

He asked if he was in danger of failing school. Right now he'll get promoted - barely.

We explained to him about the ODD being the main obstacle, how we were doing everything he suggested - mainly pointing out the conflicting behaviours.

I even told him I ordered a book from Amazon with success stories about teens and ADHD for him to read. My therapist thought that was a great idea and he wanted the name of the book.

I asked him what do we do if my son still won't admit he has problems? He basically said you can't force him into therapy unless you admit him to a hospital.

What does ds think is wrong? Has anyone asked him?

The psych is correct on that. You can't force someone to "get help" but there ARE creative ways of engaging them in the process. And you certainly can't force someone to take your suggestions. What you CAN do is build trust and maybe they will tell you.

There's an obvious quandry here. As parents, you wanted help so you took your son for counselling. Your SON may not be internally agreeing to that decision. It's like court mandated to him--without the ramifications for non-compliance.

Have you asked your son if HE wants counselling?

I'd suggest that one of the problems here is contextual. You, as parents, want the best for him. He may not agree with the decisions.

As a counsellor, if an adult comes to my office and then won't co-operate it is possible I have set up resistance. However, if the COURT sends them--I must EXPECT they will resist because they feel forced. That takes a whole other skill set and set of expectations.

Does that help?

Is your son being seen by anyone by himself, alone?

This is how we left it. The therapist wants my son to have a personality test as part of the testing. When I get the list of test, I am to send them to him.

We continue to be empathetic, trying to make my son realize his behaviors are symptmatic of ADD and anxiety.

We will make an apt. after we get the test results.

My husband was satisfied. I'm confused. I thought that psychologists could help kids and people?

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Sometimes it's a matter of "fit".

Just to let you in on a little trade secret. Families are the hardest to work with because it's not just about the relationship with the counsellor--it's about their relationships with each other, as well. Some family members may really want the counselling and some members usually don't. That makes it a BIG job!

He did tell me that if they need to medicate him they won't prescribe stimulants because of his anxiety.

He also told me that even if they put him on a drug program, my son may not take the meds.

That's possible too. Let's cross that bridge when we get there

I like the guy personally but I'm so confused.

Hope some what I said, unconfoozled it for you--if not, ask away!

My plan is to just wait for the test results and then see what the Dr.'s say about the results during the consultation. I can then tell them what is going on.

Does this sound right?

YUP! Information is the first line of figuring out--what next? Not knowing causes confusion.

I have been getting help on my own by reading books.

I"m so confused. I said that, didn't I.

I can't get rid of this guy until I replace him because I need him because any accomodations that are given by the school need a diagnosis document.

Any comments? Am I doing the right thing?

As far as I can tell ABSOLUTELY!

[/QUOTE]MetisRebel39218.4662384259[QUOTE=rswf]

metisrebel - in answer to your questions,

I feel for you and your son. I was not diagnosed as a kid and I have mixed emotions about that. Could I have done better in school? Absolutely. But would it have been worth the stigma? Especially when all testing indicated that I could run mental circles around all the other kids, and frequently did? Not sure. I had enough trouble making friends as it was.

He admits he sometimes can't control his emotions, but he won't admit to ADD or anything else.

Again, he is probably feeling lousy about being what he thinks people will consider "retarded". Excuse the insensitive language, but that is how kids tend to feel.

Still, this therapist really seems to understand my son. He even has a son with ADD that is going through denial. So, there is empathy there.

I agree with MetisRebel that this is not an optimal situation. Too much conflict of interest, so to speak.

I agree about cross the drug thing when we get there.

I guess I was hoping there were techniques to help my kid out of his denial. I can help my kid with his anxiety but he won't take any suggestions because he thinks he doesn't have anxiety.

My two cents on this. I also have anxiety. In fact, I developed panic disorder because of it in college. As a kid, I knew that I was not like everyone else, but I didn't think of it as anxiety. I was a TERRIBLY sensitive kid. I didn't like change. If my parents so much as moved furniture around in a room it distressed me horribly. I grew out of this somehow, but not until I got panic disorder and became agoraphobic - which means I was housebound - too afraid of having a panic attack or something bad happening in public so I wouldn't go out unless my mom was with me. I recovered, and don't have panic attacks very much anymore.

Probably "Healing ADD" which I am reading right now. Yes, stimulants bring our brains up to "normal" performance levels. The frontal lobes of the brain are thought to be deficient in dopamine with ADHD. The frontal lobes help regulate impulses and organization as well as help with attention. A stimulant, or any adrenaline-producing activity (like exercise or thrill-seeking behavior) will help us focus. That is the reason stimulants work for us and make the "normies" high when abused. Their brains work normally so any extra stimulus affects them differently.

That's also why discounting treating your son with a stimulant doesn't make sense. I am taking Wellbutrin (which is not a stimulant but works on dopamine in a similar way) and the first time I took it I felt calmer than I have in my entire life. I was also the most alert I have been in my entire life. It was no wonder I was anxious all the time - I have been living in a fog moving from chaos to chaos! They certainly can make anxiety worse, particularly as you adjust to the meds, but that is not necessarily a good reason NOT to use them. I may end up supplementing my Wellbutrin with a stimulant in the near future.

Well, all I can do is make sure he is safe and God forbid, there is another emergency, I do have this therapist.

Again, I can relate to being anxious in unfamiliar situations....

Thanks.

I believe that you already know this since you bought a book about the positive aspects of ADHD, but it is VERY important to focus on these. Dr Edward Hallowell has some wonderful books that not only explain ADHD and how it affects us, but the good things that go along with that, such as:

we are highly creative (I am a musician) can think "outside of the box" - a lot of ADHDers become entrepreneurs, including my husband we are highly intuitive we tend to have a somewhat "wacky" sense of humor (you probably figured that out already!) and a unique view of the world that is refreshing to others we tend to be overly generous and warm-hearted, often disregarding our own needs for someone else we are persistent, resilient and stubborn! My husband is the poster child for this.

I wouldn't change who I am for the world. I do not think of myself as having a "mental disability". In fact, MANY people with ADHD are extremely intelligent and gifted! I wouldn't change my spontaneity and creativity for anything. My family was worried that if I took medication it would actually change my personality! They didn't want me to change (and I won't - meds don't do that) because I am the high energy, "ray of sunshine and optimism" of the family. I love being me!

I also see people in the world going from day to day that just don't seem to "get it". They wander around in their black and white lives while I dance around in full technicolor!

Sure, I have had moments where I thought it seemed cruel that I was given an extremely high IQ and then robbed of the ability to use it to its full potential. But this doesn't have to be a curse. Try if you can to take the focus off "fixing" your son - his brain just works on a much higher level than "normal" people. That isn't a bad thing! But it CAN get us into trouble, and that is why we need to learn what we can do about the negative impact ADHD can have on us.

That bit about hospitalizing your son if he refuses to accept help is bogus. Nobody can make him do anything and you could end up alienating him. The reality is that he may not accept this until he falls on his face. It sounds terrible and insensitive and something NO ONE would want to happen to their child, but sometimes we don't "wake up" until we are forced to. In my case, it was panic disorder that ultimately caused me to drop out of college. It still took me 13 years to figure out I had ADHD as the root of my problems.

The difference is that you at least know what is going on with him so when he DOES come around or open that door to you, you know where to start.

And make sure he knows that he can be a BETTER person because of his ADHD!!

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I also see people in the world going from day to day that just don't seem to "get it". They wander around in their black and white lives while I dance around in full technicolor!

The difference is that you at least know what is going on with him so when he DOES come around or open that door to you, you know where to start.

And make sure he knows that he can be a BETTER person because of his ADHD!!

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Thank you SO much for this post. I really needed that ray of sunshine.

The past week has been ADHD hell.

I forgot what it was like when I was the "high energy

-buster" that everyone knew.

I SO appreciate the reminder that all times are not like this one--and what being happy with ADHD used to feel like.

When my meds come in, if they work properly--maybe in another month I'll be there again. One can only hope.

I see my method of response is catching on

I have to agree somewhat on maybe dropping the "getting him to face it" thing. Once you get into a power struggle with a teen they are just NOT going to listen. Notellin is right just sort of start focusing on the things that will help him to feel better. Meds WILL make him feel better. Again, i would drop the whole subject until it's time to deal. Use the other techniques mentioned, lists, rewards, talk to him about what you can do help be more organized. Anything that helps socially will help across the board. I literally took my daughter (and a friend or two) somewhere EVERY week for months.

A quote from "Delivered From Distraction" by Edward Hallowell, M.D. (who has ADHD and Dyslexia himself):

"So let me describe ADD from my point of view. First of all, I resent the term. Maybe it's just because I have ADD myself, but it seems to me that if anyone has a disorder, it is the people who plod along paying close attention to every little speck and crumb, every little detail and rule, every minor policy and procedure in every miniscule manual. I think these are the people who have a disorder. I call it Attention Surplus Disorder. They did exactly as they were told as children, told on others who did not, and now make a living doing what they're told, telling others what to do, and telling on those who don't.

What kind of a life is that? Wouldn't you rather have attention deficit than attention surplus? If you had to call one a disorder, wouldn't you vote for the surplus? Who wants to pay attention to the myriad details for very long? Is it really a sign of mental health to be able to balance your checkbook, sit still in your chair, and never speak out of turn? As far as I can see, many people who don't have ADD are charter members of the Society of the Congenitally Boring. And who do you suppose advanced civilization? Who do you suppose comes up with the new ideas today? People with ADD, of course."

I add this just for some perspective. I do not mean to make light of anyone's pain because ADHD can be a terrible struggle for many people and their loved ones. However, there is hope. Try and see the positive. Work through the coping mechanisms for the negative. Once we can life the "fog" and truly see and hear the world, we can be capable of anything!

[QUOTE=katastrophee]

A quote from "Delivered From Distraction" by Edward Hallowell, M.D. (who has ADHD and Dyslexia himself):

Thank you. I used to have that book and loved it but it got left at my ex's

I honestly believe that in other societies there were USES for people like us.

Who is a better hunter than someone so attuned to noise that a tree cracking a mile away can catch their attention?Who is a better warrior than someone who can notice 10 different opposing warriors on all sides, plan in a flash and stay alive?Who else can multitask on a computer with 5 windows and know EXACTLY what they were working on and never lose track?Who else can listen to a person while in hyperfocus and know everything they are thinking/feeling and how to fit that into the pattern of their life?
Who else can rebound after defeat, over and over and over and over?Who else can come up with ideas so far ahead of their time, dream visions that others can only follow around blindly? Who else would dream of travelling to the stars?
Who else are the makers, dreamers, magicians and shapers of everyone's future?Who else is rebellious enough to change the very way we view what happens to humans? Once, slavery was acceptable, infantacide, revenge murders etc. etc. Who else could envision a world WITHOUT these things?Imagine a world of attention blindness. Now here are people who SEE. Just because we're a minority--does that mean it's somehow WRONG?

Or are we the future but the present is not ready for US?

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