Letter to the "Other Parents" | ADHD Information

I agree with NoTellin, don't send the letter to the other parents. Send it to the Principal, superintendant, special education department, his classroom teachers, etc.

Parents will gossip, you have NO control over that, however, as a tax payer to a public school, you DO have control over that.

What they did is disgusting. Your poor son

I have to ask, does he have any friends in class to play with? I am just wondering because the labeling that happened to my son was due to a lot of the adults, not the children, both teachers and parents. The kids would play but the parents exclude him. The children learned from the adults then they do it also. What a sick world!!

Thank you everyone for the input.  I am going to speak with the teacher today.  It is very hard because it is a very small private school.  Everyone knows everything about each other.  Yes, my ds has friends that he plays with, however, it is the parents (I feel) that influence their children. 

I don't think I would of ever sent the letter, as many of you that posted were right...parents gossip, not show empathy.  I just needed to vent. 

Thanks again for listening!

 

I would love to make thousands of copies of that letter!!!  But the sad thing is, they would still give the looks and even be more judgmental.  People do gossip and the facts and details get exaggerated along the way.

I totally agree that many parents influence the kids many times because the parents say you can't play with him/her or stay away!  My heart broke this weekend when he so badly wanted to play with the other kids down the block.  Thye told him they couldn't because they were leaving.  Well, they were leaving to ride their bikes around the block.  Well he joined in and followed them then they raced away from him and ran in the garage and shut the door as he caught up.  I just wanted to bawl.  I just wanted to storm over there and tell the parents how mean their kids are!  Ds was so hurt.  He went and played his gameboy and said he wanted to be left alone.  He mentioned it a little later about how mean thye were to do that to him and that he was never going back over to play. I told him they were probably playing a game to where he was chasing them and they were trying to get away.  Unfortunately, I think we both know the truth.

I agree with Aarons mom, whoever said these things in front of your child and students was very wrong, and obviously doesn't know how to act around children, which is quiet sad since I'm sure the person repeating everything he did was an adult.  Definealty send a copy to the principal and dicuss the embarassment your son has felt.  Ultimately with a child with adhd this is only going to make matters worse.  It is important that you bring it to the attention of whomever was involved.  Good luck!

I would not send this letter. People gossip; they do not empathize. This letter would propagate more gossip and make news of the event spread faster and farther. And the letter reveals even more to gossip about.

I would however, pursue the teacher's violation of your son's privacy--either formally through the dept of education or informally through the principal, if I could not pursue it formally.

Friday my ds was sent to the principal's office for "spitting" on a table and
disrespecting the teacher. I took this seriously and he had to have
consequences for this..however, this was told to me in front of his
classmates and their parents. I so wanted to give this letter to some of
the mom's...I guess I just wrote it for venting....am I wrong to feel this
way?????

Letter to the "Other Parents"

The other day when the teacher publicly announced that our son was sent
to the principal's office for spitting on a table and disrespecting the
teacher, I saw your looks....I saw the smirks, the raised eyebrows and
worst of all my son saw them to. He hung his head all of the way to the
car!

This, I am sure will suprise you, but, I was actually relieved that my son
"just spit" on the table. You see, we have been trying so hard to teach our
son to respect your child's boundaries, sit still in circle time, no pushing,
no bossing, thinking before he acts, keep your voice down. To top this
list off we are also trying to keep his self esteem up and try to help him
understand what ADHD means for him.

Maybe if you could walk a mile in the shoes of ADHD parents you would
be able to teach empathy to your children. Maybe once you wouldn't
exclude our children from playdates and you would stop telling your
children to stay away..he is just a troublemaker.

Understandably, when your child is wronged by another child you feel
anger and hurt. Hurt for your child and anger against the other. Have
you thought for one second that I feel worse than you??? I am frustrated,
hurt, saddened for my child and most of all, I am sorry for your child.

Do you know what it would mean to our children if you could just show a
little bit of understanding. To teach empathy to your children. We must
do this daily.

I'm with you!  People just don't understand.  I love when I get the "you must be a terrible parent" look because my 6 YO (who is very tall for her age and looks older) is throwing a major tantrum over something in public.  I love when people automatically assume that I'm just raising a brat or not disciplining or whatever they assume.  My own mother gets on me for DD's behavior and says, "maybe if you just did X,Y or Z, she would behave better"--like I'm not doing everything I can think of and everything the professionals we consult advise. 

I have worked so hard on getting DD not to hit other children or get physical with them, and when she comes and tattles instead, I am so happy with her  My friends roll their eyes at me and punish their own children for tattling.  Last year, even when DD used ugly words and got into arguments, I was happy because she wasn't being physical.  So my friend's child would be punished for something that I was pretty much rewarding DD for. 

When DD was 3, I was shadowing her at a Gymboree class because she had been biting at her mother's day out (not at Gymboree).  The instructor was looking at me like I was some crazy, overprotective mom--I laughed and told her that my beastie was a biter and that I wanted to prevent that at Gymboree.  Two seconds later, some other mom came up to talk to the Gymboree instructor--asking her what to do about those terrible children who bite.  Those people have NO IDEA what it is like to be on the other side. 

It is sad, but when a child hits one of my children at the playground, I'm always a little relieved.  I hear the tears, wonder "which one of my children did that?" and it is actually NICE to have my child be crying and not in trouble.  That's really sad to admit. 

I actually had a mother call me the other day (she does not know DD has ADHD and that we are medicating) because she was upset about something another child had said to her 6 YO daughter at school.  This little boy, who does have ADHD and who I think is taking medications), told the little girl that he was going to kill her if she didn't stop doing something or other.  The mother wanted to CALL THE SCHOOL about this, even though the little boy had already gotten into trouble.  Like he's going to actually follow through--this is a 6 YO little boy!  Calm down, lady.  And when I hear stuff like that, I KNOW what she must be thinking about my little angel. 

Okay, I'm on a tear--I'll stop now!

The looks and the comments are always going to be there from other people.  I would be more concerned that your son's behavior was brought to everyone's attention by whomever it was at the school.  I would direct the letter (which is a great letter) to the person at the school who did this with a copy to the principal.  I would be more upset that discretion was not used in this at the school.  This causes self esteme issues for your son and could have been avoided with a little more empathy towards you and your son.

The teacher was really out of line and totally unprofessional. He actually supported and encouraged the beliefs other parents have and needs to be spoken to about it.      I so understand about the looks etc. These kids sure don't make us feel like great parents. I remember feeling the same way about an issue a teacher spoke to me about:  He's jumping in the mud puddles as soon as he goes outside. I keep telling him not to.  In my mind I'm thinking, Lady that is such a stupid unimportant issue compared to what is really going on.  I told her "That's why I send extra clothing to school." She responded by rolling her eyes and walking away in a huff.  So I went to the principle and told him to check into the classroom and find out how frustrated she was with this little dynamo, a grade 1 student.  It took me at least 4 years in that school until teachers started to get it that he was truly ADHD and that I was supporting the school in every way possible.  Not an easy task.  I'm still amazed at the teachers that don't understand what ADHD is, and cannot be more empathetic. Alot of people still assume its because the child isn't parented properly. Other parents don't get it at all unless they've experienced it up front and personal.

This is my first post & an issue that I think about constantly!  The "other parents" DON'T understand.  They have a huge influence over their kids at this age, and maybe things will be different as the kids get older.  But it makes things tough right now.  I would love to educate them (the parents), but I agree - bringing it to their attention will just fuel the gossip.  It is hard to know who to tell and who not to.  You don't want your child being labeled.  What a dilemma.   

Kemi, I have witnessed similar situations with my son and it is heartbreaking.  I know it is partly his behavior that turns the other kids off, but I can't help but think a great part of it is the parents telling their kids not to play with him.  I also get those "looks" - people must think we never discipline our child, when actually it is just the opposite. 

My son has just started a social skills group with other kids age 6-12 who have similar issues (not all are adhd).  It has only been 3 weeks (they meet once a week for 2 hrs.) but I'm hopeful that this will help. 

My DS also started a Social skills group for 3 months and will end after the next session. Then insurance refuses to pay for anything else.  What really bugs me is the other parents that are in denial.  Anything that goes wrong is immediately blamed on my son when they are together because my son is the ADHD child.  They refuse to see when their own kids are misbehaving.  Talk about annoying.