Lying and Stealing | ADHD Information
Are you sure my son doesn't live with you??
I think the toughest thing for us parents to do is to figure out how to get our kids to understand what we are teaching them.
After posting yesterday I went food shopping after dinner - gone 15 minutes and my son had told a huge lie to his dad and he was in his room for a timeout.
He got his water bottle and filled it and drank it in the dining room and spilled. He came upstairs and told my husband our 13 year old dog had peed there. After 10 times telling the same story ( after my husband realized it was only water) he finally confessed.
We wouldn't have punished him for getting the water and spilling it but for the lying he got in trouble - especially blaming something on the dog.
So I spoke to him, calmly, and asked why he had done this and in fact why he had had a bad day that day - doing things he wasn't supposed to. He admitted to me that when he is in timeouts he forgets what he was supposed to be thinking about and he can't always remember all that we teach him. I forget he is only 7.
So we talked about what he needed to remember as THE RULES TO LIVE BY. We came up with 3 things #1 was I will never lie to mom and dad again. I made him repeat it 10 times. Then he told dad what he was trying to remember and this morning he wanted it written down. We sat down at the computer and wrote and printed in big letters the 3 things down - which he remembered and he wanted to add more things that even I had forgotten he has had trouble with in the past (i.e. keeping hands to himself, not taking things without permission, if he finds something that doesn't belong to him he will return it to lost and found, not blaming someone else for his mistake, telling mom and dad when he does make a mistake.) He came up with these himself. Very proud.
I think on a whole kids want to be good but it is hard to remember all the things we teach them so WRITE IT DOWN.
BTW: my son posted it up on his door and I have caught him looking at it a lot today and he has been really good.
newmom39301.5200462963
I have found with my dd also that it is easier for her to just say "I dont" know", or "I forget", or just blurt out whatever comes to mind, rather than "sort though her head" for the right answer. I truly believe this. She had reading tutoring yesterday, in the car , I asked how it went and what was happening in the story the were reading. She said, I forget. I was like, ok you just walked out the door how could you forget? She made me "pull it out of her". She remembered. No wonder they think herr eading comprehension is non existent. She said she just says that hoping she wont have to think about it! Maybe not have to do it. I said, but dont you always still have to do it, she said "yeah".
I think a lot of times she lies this is the reason too. It's less work for her head. She gets in trouble, but as we all know kids with ADHD cant think that far ahead.
Diane V39301.5292939815Yeh, it makes sense. I did the "you won't get into trouble if you tell me thing". It hasn't worked yet.My son is like a crow, he loves shiny things and will put all kinds of things he "finds" on the floor at school (even if it's tight in front of someone's coat hook or under their desk) in his pocket. He didn't get or didn't admit to understanding that when you know something belongs to another person and you take it, it's stealing. Recently he "found" two Sacajawea dollars that my oldest son keeps as good luck coins and had taken out of his pocket to do laundry. He absolutely refused to give them back, that whole "finders keepers" thing, even though he clearly knew that they belonged to his brother. So I said, "Fine, the next time you leave something laying around, I'm going to "find" it and take it. Maybe I'll sell it. I know you have several stuffed animals on the floor in your room right now. Maybe I'll just go 'find' them." Boy, did he jump to give those dollars back! He'll still pick up little schnibbles he finds (sequins that fell off of someone's art, etc.) but the real stuff he brings to me or someone else so that it gets returned.Hi Zumba8, do you think it is an impulsive type of behavior or does he really want these "things"? If he is stealing and finding, it sounds like he just wants to have the item and doesn't really think about the "stealing" part of it.
I haven't dealt with the stealing thing but I have dealt with the finding all sorts of things and bringing them home and having to save everything. I feel like my son is more like those who who won't throw anything away and they find them years later living in squalor with all the newspapers and garbage! Is that an ADHD thing??
My father told me once that I could confide anything to him and I wouldn't get in trouble. It worked for me but I was 12 at the time. I am trying this for my kids and I think it is sinking in.
My 5 year old still lies but I think it is an age thing. Again, we tell her that if she tells us the truth about what she did she won't get into trouble but if she lies she will.
I hope that makes sense.
My son steals food and then hides any packaging. He keeps doing it although he is paranoid about insects. We'll find then pushed behind cupboards, under seats and under the bed. Sandwiches are always hidden!!!! It started when we put him on a restrictive diet ab obout 3 years ago. He would crave and obsess about food. Then we stopped the diet and so there was restricted foods around. He continued to steal and hide food. bethann my dd did the same as your son. kept everything. Rocks, trash in her backpack, just STUFF! We worked on this and it has GREATLY improved with age, but she'll always be this way I think. Didnt steal things, but did keep stuff and also the hiding.Hmmm... there seems to be a thread here. First let me say "All kids steal at one time or another" I think before the age of 6 or 7 they don't really have the cognitive ability to "get" that taking something from someone else is that wrong.
I remember a study where they asked a 5 year old how he would feel if he got someone else's candy. The child said he would be happy to have the candy. When they asked the child how the other person would feel he said the other person would be happy too. It is the classic "center of the universe" syndrome.
Has your child ever said something like..."well I just wont have a Halloween costume this year!" As if it is the most threatening thing to you that he won't be happy.
Developmentally kids on meds mature more slowly.
That said, it still must be addressed. You can't have your kids stealing from bus drivers and their sibs.
I think they need to make amends. Give sister her money back and do one of her chores. Make an "I'm sorry" card for the bus driver.
I had a real problem of lying with my second son now 14. He mostly told stories about what happened so that he would not get in trouble. Like telling his teacher he was sick last night and that is why my work is not done. Calling him on it and making him make it right worked very well. He still embellishes a bit, but the lying stopped.
My 5 year old takes food with out asking and rummages through his brothers rooms for treasures. He seems to have no concept of mine and yours. In addition he picks up any kind of junk laying on the ground. He has issues with food in that he wants to eat what he is not supposed to have. I make all 4 boys sit at the dinner table hungry or not. He never eats with us but he will sneak the same food off the plate I put aside for a brother who is at baseball practice. I also find food tracks everywhere. I really thought this was because he was in an abusive home and then an orphanage before we adopted him. Now that I read this post I am thinking there may be another cause.
Hi Bethann,
I don't know if it is an ADHD thing. I hear that most kids go through a phase, but this seems to not be a phase. It started as a toddler and now he is 11. I would blame the ADHD for the compulsiveness in taking an object, and not thinking about the consequenses, because we do give him consequenses. Usuall giving the object back, with an apology, acknowledging any hardship the stealing put the person through. Then he would do some kind of chore for that person depending on the severity of the item stolen. The thing is that after he steals the object he hides it and continues to keep it hidden, then if found lies about where he got it. I cannot blame this on ADHD. Maybe taking it originally, but obviouly he knows it's wrong and does nothing to correct the situation. Like any 11 year old, he doesn't want to get into trouble.
He is talking about it with his Psychologist. It seems to have reduced, but only time will tell.
I am new to the message board and am so happy to see that others are dealing with the "stealing" thing. My 11 year old ADHD son has been stealing since he was a toddler. Nothing has worked. He's been on meds for 5 years now and the only thing that has changed is the quality of stolen items. We are discussing it with his counselor, but havn't quite cracked it yet. He LOVES things. anything he can find from trash to whatever, he puts in his pocket and stashes in his room. does it stop?????I'm glad to hear this is happening to others. My son will "find" things at school, on the playground, etc. and decide that it must be his. We find things in his pockets that he usually hides from us. He doesn't take it from other children, but anything unclaimed he's gonna pick up. He has to sit in the front of the bus because he can't sit still, so one day he went in the bus driver's purse, took about 3 of her credit cards, and stuck them in his bag and brougt them home!! I was horrified!!! It's good to hear this may go along with ADHD and I am not raising a future criminal. I had two girls first that would have never dreamed of doing some of the things he does. Just curious, does anyone else notice their child interested in matches or knives? That sounds bad just asking it.
Not to minnimize what the children are doing, but I do think some of it is age/developemntal related as well as ADHD. My dd age 7 w/ ADHD was doing similar things. Small things like taking markers from school and hiding in her room because I was too tired of her decorating the walls and carpet,and had hidden ours from her, to use only at my discretion. Also, junk food kept disappearing. She would ask everyday for the stuff. I tried to give here and there and not make a big deal of it, but it kept disappearing.
A friend with the same age child had simlar problems, doing things previously not done and lying to get away with it. SHe mentioned she thought it was becuase they were beginning to realize that if no one sees them, they won't get caught.
We tried not to make a big deal of it but made her replace the things she had taken by using her own allowance. The stealing junk food was a different story. I fianlly bought a motion detector for the kitchen 
, after I found a 1/2 gal of melted ice cream under her bed - grrrr.
That helped some, but what really helped was I told her that on weekends, we would have desserts, and that any day at afternoon snack time, she could have 2 small pieces of candy from whatever stash was in the house (Halloween, Easter, etc.) until it was gone. I also got markers and put them in with the arts and crafts supplies and said she could have them whenever we had time to do arts and crafts, but that I would have to supervise the use and if she wanted to continue to use them, she would have to make sure they got back in the arts and crafts basket.
All this makes me think it was not only a developmental stage, but also a control issue for her. As soon as I gave her some very clear boundaries of what she could have and when, she did much better.
If it is an impulse issue with your son, he may benefit from a higher dose of the Concerta. Maybe the focus has improved so he is better at follow through when the urge does occur, but a higher dose might help.
What is he stealing??? The bigger issue you make about Stealing, the worse the behavior becomes. Ask for things back, rather than confronting him on stealing, when you know he did it. Lying happens to avoid getting into trouble. You may have noticed I dont' really like those 2 descriptive words. When we use them with our kids they tend to start to believe they are those things: its like a self fulfilling prophecy. I've never had problems with my child getting worse at these behaviors because of med.s.
momiss2,
Money (at home and at school), pencils and things from other students, things from his sister's room, etc. The biggest was .00 from his Dad's wallet in the middle of the night. He took the money, put it in his own wallet, then hid his wallet. We think we know why he did it (he wants to purchase a patch from his Tae Kwan Do school), but we were going to buy it for him on Friday anyway. I was mostly wondering if the Concerta (27mg) he is taking is just working on his hyperactivity and helping him focus (he's been better behaviour wise at school, and grades are improving), but not really working on the impulsiveness. Its still all relatively new to me.
Making amends for taking things is helpful. Lock up your money so he can't access it, and maybe give daughter a latch hook for her room so he can't go in and take what he wants. I really don't think he steals things because of the medication. Maybe someone else can be more helpful. Good luck.I agree he is lying to get out of trouble, or so he thinks. I also do not think the meds are casuing lying and/or stealing. Are tehre other behaviors going on though? I know my daughter only recently (this year) started lying (badly) to us about stupid things. Both times we went through it she was in a phase of high anxiety and we treated her for depression/anxiety. If they know theyre in rouble anyway and there's "no way out" what difference does it make if you lie. I'd work on the stealing piece. Does he have any other "issues" going on.I don't think it is "because" of the meds, just an impulse issue. My question is whether the Concerta is working on just the hyper, and not the impulsiveness. Do meds do this, owrk on one aspect and not the other? Are there meds that work on both? There is no anxiety that I know of, but I have noticed other "impulse" control issues that don't seem curbed by the meds. Definatley a question for DR at the med check. He not only lies about the stealing, but about other things as well, stupid stuff mostly. We reinforce that you get in twice the trouble if you lie abut it instead of owning up to things.
Yes medications can help with one symptim and not another. Some meds work great on focus and not as well on impulse and hyperactivity. Dosing can also make a difference. Too much or too little. I have seen my daughter's impulsivity and organiziational skills go out the window both being too high and too low on a dose. While her focus and fidgeting are great. Has he taken any other meds or dose on the Concerta that you can compare?
My 8 year old is on Straterra -- it seems to work wonders for the most part. However, within the last year, the boy has been very actively stealing from his sister. He, too, took from her money stash, then spent it when with his grandmother (who wouldn't have known how much money he had) and then played stupid when his sister asked he took it.
The lying seems to be a way of life for this ADHD...telling the truth is difficult, as it would mean admitting that something was done wrong. So, rather than that, they tend to place blame on others for their own actions.
Ok, I know we had other posts on the lying topic, but I have a question. I have noticed even more lying and stealing since my son has been diagnosed and medicated. He is 7 and has ADHD combined, so I understand that these are impulse issues, but why I am noticing it more now than when he was undiagnosed and unmedicated? Its really getting bad. Any thought and/or suggestions?