Afraid to get diagnosed | ADHD Information

I was looking for information on anxiety and found an article on adult adhd which absolutely spoke to me to my very core. I am aware of the dangers of self-misdiagnosis and it may be that I dont have have adhd and instead are suffering from anxiety, depression or some other psychological/psychiatric disorder but the truth is that the outcome/impact on my life is real and am struggling with coming to terms with having to get help.

Just yesterday I found some old school reports from when I was in Grade 4,5 and 6, when I was looking for another piece of paper.

Grade 4: Jane has a reat learning potential. For the past several months she has been preoccupied and does not pay close attention in class. Jane tends to be forgetful of her homework sheets and classwork. When she concentrates, her work is very good....."

Grade 5: Jane is a well meaning student willing to do her best but she has as yet not developed good organizational skills. This leads to her frequently not having the right book.... She finds it hard to concentrate for the length of time required in Grade 5and is often occupied activity.. all this has prevented her from from achieving better results than those indicated in this report"

Grade 6 report is pretty much the same thing. In fact my whole educational career has been the same thing, and if you think children can be cruel you have never met some of my teachers, who used my weaknesses in the classroom as an opportunity to pick on me in a way that was soul-destroying.

Even as a small kid I felt like that I was swimming upsream in my life - that I really wanted to achieve, that I was smart, but could never get organized or focused enough to really succeed - the most disorganied perfectionist you have ever met. I absolutely believe that my mother did the best that she could but even in my sad state I recognise that a 8 or 9 year old cannot be held entirely responsible for struggling in the classroom. That they dont yet possess the skills or understanding to help themselves. At one point they recommend she go to CHIP meetings (children of high potential) but that never really led anywhere.

These feelings of helpnesses got worse during high school but I didnt have a way to deal with them and I failed year 11 after my parents divorced and my grandmother died the year before. At the time it came as a big shock to me because I was just so disconnected from my own life it never even occured to me that it would happen. I wasnt a bad teenager - I never did drugs, had sex or drank alcohol and in general went within myself rather than expressing my feelings into self-destructive actions. At this point I was sent to an educational psychologist who found that I had a near superior IQ (somewhere between 117-123) but struggled with visual problems (which may explain why I suck at math) but that I did not have a learning disability. Beyond that I did not recieve much support from my school. During my final two years I often felt sick and missed school. They sent to me to the school psycholigst who did jack all and completely ignore the fact that I was so sick. Shortly after graduating from HS I was diagnosed with a serious chronic inflammatory bowel disease.

The problem is that I m now 27 and about to embark on a PhD in medical research. I love medicine but its my biggest regret that I did not deal with this in my teens. Every university exam and deadline until now has been met with stress and anxiety. I often struggled to reach due dates and would often have to ask for an extension but that my work was near perfect when I got it done. I feel like I have wasted my potential and "best years of my life" and that I can never get those years back and isntead look back and just see periods of anxiety punctuated by periods of stress.

I have problems remembering to do the most normal things like closing cupboard doors and paying bills on time, which gets me in trouble and only makes the situation worse. I feel like I get over-emotional (even though i often do it behind closed doors or by getting cuaght up in an oprah episode and bawling through it :)), not being able to tolerate people who are stupid or slower thinking than I am. Each time I try to work on ways to deal with it but only feel like a failure when I dont succeed. In terms of friends I think that I have a (small) number of good friends but that by hiding these feeling from them I am putting up a block between me and then.I also have trouble generating friends out of good acquaintances and often feel "forgotten" by people who I think are my friends and should remember me when it comes to inviting to things etc..I also think that I am funny and witty when it comes to group situations where I can bounce off other people but find one on one conversation awkward - i can never think of things to talk about. I dont really know what people think of me.

I know that I need to get help but the truth is that the fear of diagnosis (whatever the diagnosis) is stopping me from tackling it. If I do get diagnosed does that mean I have to reveal it when asked on a form if I have ever been diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder? Do I have to tell my family physician and will he ignore me when I come to him with vague symptoms such as tiredness? I feel like once its on my record it will always be there like a stain. The reality is that even if we are accepting of our conditions the rest of the world does not (even myself). I really dont know what to do.   gugs39231.1589467593

Hi Gugs,

I won't torture you and everyone else by posting my excruciatingly long story again.....here is the link if you want to take a look at it.

http://www.adhdnews.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=27383& PN=1

I also have anxiety issues that seem to have come from the ADHD.  I have panic disorder although I consider myself "recovered" from it.  I don't have panic attacks anymore although I still have anxiety in certain situations.  I also have some seriously OCD-like obsessive tendencies that frustrate me too.

I still have not come to grips with this fully - it has only been 2 months since I first read about ADHD and went to a psychiatrist.  There are a lot of "demons" in my past that I need to face.  I also have trouble accepting that this is something I will have forever.  No recovering from it, just managing it.  I am conflicted because I feel so much relief to finally know WHY everything has happened the way that it did, but have a terrible time accepting that I have a mental disability.  However, I have the chance to overcome it and take control of my life and I am willing to fight the stigma and the people who undoubtedly will think ADHD is a cop-out in order to do that.

You do not have to tell anyone that you do not want to.  If you don't go see him for the ADHD diagnosis, your GP should probably know later because he should know what meds you are taking.  He should NOT ignore you.  After I was diagnosed, I strongly suspected my husband had it too, and so I gave my husband a list of "issues" that he needed to talk to the doctor about when he went - that way he wouldn't forget anything.  At first the doc was skeptical but once he talked through everything with my husband, he believed it.

I do not plan to EVER write it under "psychiatric diagnoses" on any form that isn't going to a doctor that needs to know what meds I am taking for some reason.  I do not believe that you have to disclose it to employers etc unless you want to obtain assistance under the Disabilities Act.  Maybe I would if I was going to join the military or FBI or something where they might be able to dig it up on their own, but otherwise no way.

You should not see ADHD as a "stain".  I understand completely why you do, and if you decide to go for treatment you will have to go through the shock and grief process in order to grow and recover.  A lot of the best books out there about ADHD point out a great deal of good things about having it.  Not to minimize your or anyone's pain.....but try to see the positive side once you can.

You may have to go through multiple doctors to get one to listen to you, and there WILL be people who think you are just looking for an excuse or whatever, but those people really don't matter, or at least they shouldn't in a perfect world.  They don't understand because they aren't going through it.  A good friend of mine truly believes that there is no way I could have ADHD because I seem very well organized and on top of things.  The problem was that I did very well at that job (he is a former co-worker) and would come home brain dead.  He has no idea what it is like to live with me!  He also was never "at work" with me - he was a field sales rep and I was his inside rep.  We see each other a couple times a year at most since he lives about 5-6 hours away.  However, my husband would tell you there are days he wants to strangle me (not literally, of course).

Tiredness is one of my major symptoms.  If you haven't had your thyroid or other basic bloodwork checked in a while, the doc may want to test these.  It is a good idea to be extra sure that the problem doesn't stem from something else.  That said - I know that you, like me, have felt this way your whole life and the likelihood that it is being caused by another disease process is pretty slim....

The doc may also recommend psychological testing to try and help confirm ADHD or unearth any co-morbid learning disabilities.

In other words, it could take a while to get diagnosed and on a treatment that works.

If you want to bypass your GP and see a psychiatrist/psychologist you can go to CHADD's website and try and find one in your area that specializes in ADHD:

www.chadd.org

To minimize frustration, try and find someone that does have experience diagnosing and treating ADHD.

Believe me, everything you said in your post hits home for me.  I understand what it is like to look back and feel like a failure and all this time has been wasted.  I gave up doing the thing I loved most because I just thought I didn't have enough discupline to do it as well as necessary.  Now I am faced with the fact that I might have been able to overcome that if I had known about this 13 years ago....that is something I have to deal with as I work through this.

However, none of us can change the past, but we have the opportunity to make the best of the future.  Armed with the new understanding of who you are you can go forth and do great things!  Don't punish or limit yourself because you are afraid of what might happen if you become "labelled" with ADHD.  If you don't go to see a doctor, it will not change the fact that you are suffering.  You are worth taking care of!

My thoughts are with you.

Hi there,

Reading your post was like reading my own thoughts - I completely
empathize with your struggles, your fears to seek help, your feelings of
regret.

I’m also 27 and have just sought help myself. The last time I saw a
psychiatrist I was 13 and diagnosed with ADHD. My parents were not
comfortable putting me on meds, so off I went, through high school and
college and early adulthood. I’ve learned how to cope with a lot of the
symptoms (forgetfulness, trouble concentrating, focusing, obsessing, etc
etc.....). But the depression and anxiety have been harder to combat.

Like you, I have a huge amount of regret about “wasting the best years of
my life.” I spent three years in the middle of college (it took me 5+ years
to graduate) isolated, severely depressed and anxious, struggling with
obsessive exercising and eating habits. I also wish that I would have
asked for some help at that time.

I also can relate to turning stress, depression, anxiety and insecurities
inward. I’ve been a self-mutilator since I was 13, but I am terrified of
transgressing in any public way (i.e. breaking rules).

I’m not quite certain about the medical records and how those are
disclosed, but it’s my understanding that no one has to know if you’ve
been diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder. There are tons of people on
anti-depressants, but they don’t “have” to tell their friends, family or
place of work. You would need to disclose any medications you are
taking when you see your GP, or your dentist. Any place where there is a
risk of drug interactions, I suppose.

In the end, it’s a personal thing. And you don’t have to take meds. You
could end up with a great therapist, or find some other tools that help
you. If it turns out that you need to supplement with meds, that’s okay
as well.

It’s kind of a Catch-22. It’s a relief to know that it’s “something” but
scary to admit that there’s something wrong or off. Everything, the
depression and and the anxiety – these disorders can often mirror one
another. This is why I am seeing a professional. I can’t figure out what’s
going on, is the ADHD (if that’s even what’s wrong with me) that’s
causing the anxiety and depression, or visa versa? It’s totally the
chicken/egg debate.

I’m not sure of your insurance situation, but my advice would be to see a
psychiatrist if you can. Be honest, tell him/her everything concerning
you. Also, do some research. It can be empowering and calming to
understand what’s going on and to read about how others struggle with
the same problems.

Let us know how you’re progressing, and good luck!!

- AOne of my problems is that when I am stressed all my organizational skills and coping mechanisms tend to go out the window, and its only then that I feel the push to do something about it, however I usually get the work done, and suddenly the pressure is off, so I try to convince myself that it really wasnt as bad as I thought it was, and next time Ill try harder to be organized and work more consistently etc... When I first started college I went to a therapist on campus(I was at an international university and didnt know where else to go) but bumped into a friend coming out of the building and never really went back. It was a relatively small university and it was difficult to keep anything quiet.   

THe other thing is believe it or not I used to work in a hospital department responsible for freedom of information, which meant if a patient or outside person wanted medical information they had to come through us - which means I know exactly goes on. Despite best intentions and laws etc, the are a lot of people just within the hospital handling your medical file and i think its pretty hard to keep something quiet - as well as from insurance etc. A few times I came across the medical file of someone I knew as part of my job. Even if I kept things confidential I found out information they probably would not have chosen to tell me by themselves.   I just think once you have a diagnosis of depression or need to take medication etc, its the kind of thing that follows you throughout your whole life. Its seems like in America there is a spirit of self-disclosure (and perhaps over-diagnosis) when it comes to depression and medication etc.. however Australia is not like that at all.

I brought it up with my mother tonight but she seems reluctant to believe me. However I think because I keep a lot of the anxiety, obsessive thoughts etc inside me I dont think she really knows how I feel. She thinks its just a self-discipline issue. I also dont think she is comfortable with a diagnosis of a psychological disorder in general. THe irony is that she has a masters in psychology. So Im going to think about what I need to do and just get through the next month the end of which I have a very important research thesis due - which I have been dragging out forever and is stopping me from enrolling in PhD. Once i have this completed I can enrol straight away. Im afraid if I dont get it done my PhD supervisor will reconsider my place and tell me to get lost.gugs39232.3064351852