I am so frustrated | ADHD Information
Well, my son is now Lying. He is not making up his missing homework, even though is says he is. He is becoming quite convincing too. It's that stupid computer game. That is all he cares about. He hyperfocuses on it and it takes over. We have to limit it to an hour at a time.We have told him he can't play until he has finished his work. He tells us he has - oh, he says he did it during SSR at school. Sometimes he even shows us the work. However the teachers say he has made nothing up.
He is supposed to do 4 book reports during the course of the year. These are nothing like the ones I had to do in school. You read a book of your choice and you just fill in a sheet with questions about the book and hand it it.
He has told me he did them - well he has only done one. That is an F. He just has to do one more to get a C. He tells me the paper is in his locker. Well, then it's gone. I even bought him the books.
We are going to have to take away the computer till he is completely made up.
This time he can't deny it because my husband spoke with the guidance councelor and we have it in an e-mail.
My son has given up and just doesn't give a D--- about anything in school. I think he is in such a state of denial that he may have a problem that he fights everything set up to help him.
Now I'm beginning to wonder if I wasted an entire year with the current therapist. Sure, he set up the 504 and if it wasn't for that, my son would be failing. However, he did nothing to give us parent training to manage my son.
I'm rambling. Today I'm not that busy at work and I have a list of psychologists and psychiatrists and I will just go down the list till I find a new one.
Maybe if I cry on the phone they will take pity
Can you ask school to let you know what has been completed there and what needs to be completed at home? We have this same problem with my daughter lying. Telling me she did it school and then telling school she forgot it. I have them sending me exactly what needs to be done and what was worked on there. If she tells me she did it at school I send them a note saying she told me this. This way you can make him show you exactly what they told you he needs to have done and then he can have his game for however long you decide? This works for us. Show me the completed work and then you cna have an hour of t.v. or computer or whatever. Isnt pefect, but will get us through the next few weeks. I'm getting stricter come September when we start over.
Full schedule. Assigned homework schedule and check off lists. She will earn points and lose points depending on what she does, and what she does independantly. If she lies or doesnt complete something she'll lose points. I will then let her cash in her points for stuff. Extra video game time, cash, free homework pass (if school will agree to that one).......etc., etc...........
Chasemom - my son is the same way - he can ace the tests - sometimes he gets Bplus but that is because he never bothers to study
I understand this is an ADHD or ADD trait and so does my husband but my husband tends to lose it and then the two of us are on different parenting pages.
I really think that if a kid is diagnosed with ADD or ADHD homework should not be required. When you think about it, if the kid demonstrates the material on tests, what is the point of the daily assignments? I understand projects and giving extra time to hand them in works.
Well, depending on what the neurotest says, I will definately be modifying the 504 for 8th grade. I cannot go through another year like this. To see my son in pain and then deal with the tantrums and fighting is driving me nuts.
Hopefully, we will have found a new therapist. I plan on calling everyday from now till September till I find someone.
Sorry to say but I could never win the homework war. I finally took away his Xbox and computer during the week, because it got in the way of homework. I gave him 1 hour in his room a night to help him complete it. I stopped nagging, asking him about it etc., once I knew there was no L.D.s getting in his way. He is in grade 11 and passing all his coarses, getting 60's or 70's. I threw up my hands and left it to him, letting him know that if he was failing he'd be loosing alot more. Nothing else I tried helped in any way but caused conflict. I also let him know if he was having trouble all he has to do is ask and we'd get him a tutor.
Good Luck.
I never won the homework war with my oldest either....but with the younger ones, I am plugging along....
Jake takes care of things himself for the most part. Chelsea had to keep up to remain eligible for cheerleading and I told her if her grades did not stay up, I would pull her from her beloved dance classes, and with Chase, he is so far doing pretty good, but middle school starts next year, so it is a whole new ball game!
Well, in answer to your question, he gets a weekly report and it lists all the missing assignments. So, we then talk to him about making them up and as I said, it never happens.
At this point, what am I supposed to do? Go to school and pick up the homework? I did suggest they put all the missing assignments in a folder and I'd pick them up. This suggestions was not picked up on.
I completely understand this a characteristic of ADD and ADHD.
What I get frustrated with is my son's not caring. Nothing matters to him. I understand that these kids can't see long range so the idea that he won't get into highschool, let alone college is not an incentive.
As part of the 504, he has to have the teachers sign his agenda book and make sure the assignments are in there.
The guidance councelor had suggested he could e-mail the work from home to her.
I could deal with the missing homework if he wasn't lying to me. It's like he just doesn't care.
I think computers and ADD kids don't mix. Yet my son is able to pass in projects done on power point. He gets obsessed. He's obsessed with this one on-line game. All his friends play it and the talk to each other. Let me tell you, he sure is able to remember to get on that game and he knows everything about it. However, his friends still play the game and are all on the honor roll. My kid is an A student but is failing because he CAN'T TURN HIS WORK IN! Agggg -
I really don't think parents of kids without ADD have any idea what goes on. The all complain about homework to and the problems, but in the end, their kids do it and pass it in.
Anyway - my friend is a nurse in a family practice and she gave me a list of psychiatrists she uses. I decided to try for a psychiatrist because I think my son my have a personality problem as well as emotional. I just feel that he needs more than a psychologist. On the other hand, I'm still waiting for that call back, and I'm more than prepared to hear he isn't taking any new patients.
I have from now till September to find someone new.
It is totally an adhd trait, and with my oldest (adhd) she didn't care either, so she didn't do it, and passed with C's and D's because she could ace the tests. With chase (my other adhder) he does care about getting it turned in at least so far....we have him on an effective med combo, and the oldest, we did not have a clue she was adhd until she was dx as an adult, so no meds or treatment, which we regret horribly.
Live and learn.....
I'm seeing a common thing here - the kids just don't seem to get it. Nothing motivates them.
There has to be something out there that works for these kids? I can't talk about medication because I am a long way off from that yet.
I look towards the future and I get scared but then I just try to ground myself and take it a day at a time.
The thing is, my son can be really delightful. Sure, he has his anxieties and when he is not with his immediate friends he is shy around adults but these problems are nothing compared to the tantrums and rages the anxiety of school brings.
I can only compare my two...and the older one did not get meds until adulthood. The younger one would be just like her in school if not for the meds he takes. He aces tests, but if he didn't have the meds, he would not do the homework, he would not remember to turn it in if he did....with the meds he is an almost straight A student.
Without the meds, my oldest is still hard to live with on a daily basis, with them she is a jewel.
Our world also changes when no school. School is just HARD for some kids. Who wants to have to come home and do work they hate and is difficult after they did it all day. Unfortunately they have no choice in the mateer, that is just how it is. For us, and seems like you too, it is just what you are saying what can we do to get them to "get it" and at least half care, and at least see that when they do put the effort in it will pay off.I wish I could afford it! We have a great one, although it is about 3 hours away. It is specifically for children with learning difficulties, ADHD/LD....etc.........it is almost ,000.00 a year though!Okiemom - Your post is wonderful. In fact, what you have written is what I have been trying to get from a therapist for a whole year!
I am going to print it out, and tonight, when I have that talk with my son about his homework yet again, I am going to outline, as in your post, his expectations.
Yes, I seem to be hyperparenting too. But, if you have the time, and read my most recent thread, I still haven't found a therapist that is effective however, we have an apt. with a new psychiatrist in June.
Since my son has been recently diagnosed, I'm still at that advocate stage.
I have written in the past that I have to come to terms that I can only do so much.
A big problem I think is that we really haven't spelled out my son's responsibilities. We just assumed he'd know but as an ADD kid, that was a big mistake.
My daughter also has an aide, but our problem is she LOVES it! She just loves having that safety net there for her. Takes all the work and responsbility out of her hands. If papers are forgotten she quite often blames her. I dont know how to handle that. Do we pull the aide back some and chance her falling on her face? She does have a learning disability and some issue that casues handwriting to be difficlut, so it's hard to just back off that way.
okiemom, how did you manage to do this? I would do anything to pull myself back from the frantic obsessive way I am about my daughter and the hyperparetning. It's making me into a nervous wreck. That helps no one, and is VERY unfair to my 5 year old who is juts getting her education started. I feel like I am watching her like a hawk for the first sign of a problem. I've already had her evaluated and she has not even started Kindergarten.
Hi rswf. I too have a son addicted to an online game who has ADHD and struggles in school even though he tests gifted. So this topic is really an issue in my household too.
Like your son....NOTHING seems to motivate my son other than computer use. He just finished 8th grade so is a grade ahead of your son. The past 3 years the homework battles have created TONS of tension and stress for us. He does exactly like your son.....lies about having completed missing work, turns stuff in late (a grade of 50), won't study, etc.
Over the years I have pretty much hyperparented this kid. WAY over the top overly involved from an advocacy standpoint. What I'm learning is that my role in advocating for my ADHD son is changing as he gets older. When he was younger, I spent tons of time and money getting private testing, IEP's, tutors, therapies, etc. And it helped him tremendously. But now.....it is my son's job now to start shifting into self-advocacy and taking responsibility for behavior, academics,etc. My son has been given every support, both medically and educationally, known to man......he now has to learn to USE THOSE SUPPORTS! That is HIS choice. I can't sit in class and do the work for him.
My logic side of my brain knows all this......it's the emotional side of my brain (my own anxiety over him failing) that messes everything up and I start freaking out when he gets himself into a bind at school. So.....with the help of a therapist....this year I pulled WAY back in my role of nagging him about homework, studying, projects, etc. And guess what......he didn't fail.. although he did get a D in Spanish (he hates it....just shut down plus he struggled with language issues when younger and they warned me foreign language would be tough for him). His other grades were 3 A's, a B, and 2 C's. And I'm ok with it.
The therapist explained to me that I needed to back off the nagging and communicate some very simple expectations to my son. In our case, those expectations were 1. You go to school everyday and on time 2. You get your work done (no missing assignments), and 3. You get along with teachers and peers (no calls about behaviors). These are 3 basic expectations that pretty much mirror what is expected of any adult in our society too.....1. Go to work, 2. Do your work, and 3. Get along. Now......if my son violated one of the 3 basic expectations......the consequence in his case....since he values his computer time above ANYthing else....was ALWAYS removal of computer time in some form.
The tough part is following through WITHOUT caving in to tantrums, lies, and rationalizations. Example.......in our district all assignment grades are posted online and parents have a password to check grades by assignment. If a zero was posted because he didn't turn something in, I would just point that out to him and tell him he lost computer time because of it. Then I told him to handle it. I pulled myself out of it.....I didn't email teachers, etc. It was his baby.
Our therapist pointed out to me that until I transferred "ownership" for grades over to my son.....his behavior was NEVER going to change. I...the mom, was taking "ownership" of his academics.....he could care less and rather enjoyed all the worrying I was doing over it....it made it easier for him.
I'm not saying that the year was perfect and I just quit worrying about my son's grades and academics cold turkey......it took MONTHS for me to get where I am today and for the tension in the household to diminish. Istill do worry....but not NEARLY like I did the past 3 yrs. And the reduced stress by taking this more laid back hands off approach is great.
So.........just realize that you are not alone with this struggle. I venture to say many many parents on this board struggle with this exact same thing. And what strategy works for one family, may not work on another because no two ADHD kids are alike. But I do think that by the time a child is in 7th or 8th grade......parenting strategies for dealing with the homework vary from what worked in the younger years.
Okiemom
I've come to the conclusion that many of these kids need an educational coach. Someone to help them organise their thoughts, ideas, assignments etc. My son gets extremely anxious and overloaded by the ton of tasks asked of him.
Having him fail is not going to help him - it will just reinforce that he is a loser - depression is such a huge problem.
When he has an outline - he has a way forward - a plan to attack the work.
I know with our son he just can't cope with the amount of imput and instructions.
At present we have a teacher aide who babysits him (he is in year 8). He is so sick of her sitting beside him. The IEP is not being implemented and we are doing the pushing and disecting of assignments at home. My push is for someone at school to take on this role of coach. Therefore making him responsible for his work and taking the pressure on us to be the police at home.
I sent our eldest daughter who is a high achiever and people pleaser off to boarding school. She is only one hour away and comes home every weekend. It has been great to see her take control and responsibility for everything. It's a wonderful all girls school and only quite small. About 130 boarders and less day students. She was 15 when she left. She too has ADHD and the routine, structure etc has been fantastic.
I would never consider it for our 14 year old son - he really struggles with school and is always being bullied. It just worked so well for her.
My son is also in a boarding school - He was having more problems than just not doing his homework. He was failing although he tested as gifted also. We had additional problems with drugs and stealing and lying. None of the medication combinations seemed to work.
I can't really afford the school either, but I cannot put a price on my son's future! I am amazed at how well he is doing. He is talking about college and a career and apologizing for taking me for granted and treating me badly. I can't wait for him to graduate the program and come home! I have info on the program at my website http://ellen.parentshelpingteens.com