Am I doing the right thing? Help | ADHD Information

Diane V - your last sentence "you are doing everything right." has made me feel so much better.

As you are more than aware, we never get any definate answers or confirmations.

I'll keep you guys updated on what happens.

If I didn't have you guys on this forum, I'd be more crazy than I already am.

Hi. My responses are below in bold.

Vikie and all - My decision is made. I am going to keep the apt.

From what I've read.....I think you're making the right choice to keep the appointment and try to take a new direction. Using a psychiatrist who can do both therapy and meds is a time saver for many. In our case we use both a therapist AND a psychiatrist.

Perhaps I am a bit too verbose when I send them e-mails but I felt it was important to explain what is going on. I told them about the tap dances I get at home, not getting their notes, his fake being sick to get out of staying after.

Tap dances about homework, deliberate destruction of notes from school, and fake illness are all common ploys with a lot of these kids who are avoiding schoolwork. Those are outward avoidance behaviors. What you need to do with the psychiatrist is try to figure out WHY he is avoiding schoolwork. Does he have a undetected learning disability, weak reading skills, etc? Sounds like he's "checked out" or given up.....but why? Probe this more. And as far as sending them verbose emails with detailed explanations..... they may be interpreting this as a parent who is rationalizing and justifying their child's poor behavior and choices. I fell into this trap at one point and stopped sending those type emails. Now I rarely send emails.....and when I do, they are direct and to the point. And I never, never ,never use words that could be interpreted as using ADHD as an excuse in any way shape or form.

They sent me an e-mail basically saying that they understand our frustration but that his major problem is not his dissorganization but his definance to do his work. They also implied that these issues had to be taken up at home.(the tone was very curt). Are they implying we are bad parents?

Believe me....... they're frustrated too, so if they are "implying" this....it may be out of frustration and not necessarily because they truly think your a "bad parent." They just want him to do his work and behave, and they'd love more than anything to you use to put the heat on. My guess is that they've pegged him as having emotional issues that need to be professionally addressed. I deal with this myself with my son and the school

So, in lieu of this, my husband says that this confirms what we know all along - my son's defiance and oppositional behaviour is 99% of this problem.

Has your son ever been formally dx'd with ODD in addition to ADHD? Does sound like more going on than just ADHD. From what I've read, parent training in specific strategies to counter the ODD is critical. If the therapist is just making you "aware" but not giving you specific strategies and tactics, that's not going to cut it. Trying to treat this MUST include parent therapy and training IMO.

It has gotten worse and the current therapist really has done nothing except make as aware of the problem.

We are going to show the e-mail to my son and get a little tougher with him and stricter.

I'm not sure waving the email in his face to try to make him accept it is the best thing to do here. If he's like my son....he already feels like he's screwed up and he already thinks he a total loser....so reminding him that others think there is a problem is not going to help. And I think the getting tougher and stricter should equate more to trying to identify just one or two of the most problematic behaviors you want to change and then form a plan WITH CONSEQUENCES well ahead of time, and then FOLLOWING THROUGH with the consequence. And the term stricter is tricky...... you want firm but FAIR consequences....not over reactive Gestapo like consequences. Those backfire.

When the time comes, we will tell him what the psychiatrist said, that he is not getting better, and that his behavior shows he needs help and we are going to a new person.

I probably wouldn't include in the conversation any words like "he is not getting better." I'd be as positive as possible and just state this new doctor has more experience with these issues, or something like that. Don't imply the other therapist didn't or couldn't help him. Leave that door open.

I will not dismiss the current therapist until I get a feel for this new guy. After all , it is only a consultation.

I will also write the psychiatrist a letter, explaining what is going on because at this initial consulation, my son will be there.

Agggg - so frustrating. I fear my son has a much more severe problem than ADD

Yes....I understand completely how frustrating it is to deal with a child that has comorbid issues. But realize that rarely does someone "just" have ADD or ADHD. It is probably more common to have a co morbid issue along with it. My son's case is complicated with anxiety, dsythymia, giftedness..... plus an auditory processing disorder. So I know how you feel. And as far as dealing with the grandparent's who have opinions and want the "quick fix"....... you will never be able to control what they think or do, so let that go. And if they make your life harder with their closed minded attitudes...... you need to distance yourself from the situation with them.

Good luck! Okiemom

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Okay - so I finally connected with a psychiatrist that will take new patients.

I go into my story, explain that I like the current therapist but I don't feel I am getting any help, yada yada yada.

The psychiatrist says that he wants to see me and my son because he is 13 and he doesn't want to go behind my son's back. He says this will be a consultation. I was hoping for an initial private consultation to see if I liked him first.

He then says that he would want us to tell the current therapist because he doesn't want to go behind the back of collegues.

I explain about my son's defiant personality and then he tells me that these type of kids are difficult to treat. He says my son may have a coexisting personality dissorder - (this explains to me why the original therapist suggested a personality test be given)

We do have an apt. June 18.

So, my gutt tells me to hold off. Here is where I need your opinions.

I feel that since my son is currently in denial and very oppositional, he will resent being taken to a psychiatrist and will resist therapy. This could actually make him even more resistant to therapy in the future.

We still don't have a scientific medical diagnosis yet. I feel that once we have that, we can better come up with a treatement plan.

Maybe the current therapist isn't so bad and it's just me wanting a quick fix? I guess there are no magic techniques to get these kids fixed. My husband and I have a rapour with this therapist and he does know my son. Maybe we should just keep him for now.

School is almost over and my son will get promoted. He won't have to go to summer school. The school pressure will be off so he will be easier to manage.

I am thinking of calling the psychiatrist in a week and telling him that the pediatrician said to hold off until we have the neuro results.

I also can make an apt. with the current therapist once we get the neuro and also see what he suggests. My son doesn't like him but he won't like any therapist because he thinks he is fine. I need to try to break the stigma of ADD. However, I don't think my son will accept he has it until he sees in black and white a diagnosis - maybe.

My son has a 504 in place which will carry over next year. He hasn't had any major panick attacks or been suicidal.

Opinions? I guess I was hoping the psychiatrist would say, sure, I can help you and your son, bring him in.

I also have to deal with over emotional grandparents that already have my 13 year old as a non-functioning adult. They also want a quick fix and I can't convince them that all the therapy in the world won't help my son if he won't take it.

I am so confused - yet again. You guys help me get grounded.

rswf39233.3240856482

It is so hard to know what to do (this is where a little seeing into the future would be nice).

The psychiatrist may be wanting to include your son so that your son can take ownership of his issues and his treatment. Sometimes oppositional kids are acting out because of anxiety and a little control helps them accept things. My oldest discusses treatment plans with the doc and he is really good at making her understand the ramifications of not having proper treatment and how this makes it posible for her to compete with the world to the best of her abilities.

Keep the current therapist to see if there is a place for therapy from this person in the new doc's treatment plan (we keep ours on the back burner in case we need her again). Just tell the therapist that you are putting things on hold until you get the diagnosis and treatment plan set up. Many psychiatrists do not have time for therapy and some do (it is individual).

vickie - so are you recommending that we keep the apt. with the psychiatrist but keep the current therapist on the back burner incase we do not like him?

This psychiatrist made it clear that he is responsible for all treatment - therapy and meds. He will not just administer meds and have another therapist for treatment.

Yes, seeing into the future right now would be helpful.

rswf39233.3771180556I think it makes sense to wait for the diagnosis. I agree not to push him further away until you see what you need to do. I also agree that with him out of school and less stressed, it wil be easier to work with him.

I would definitely keep the therapist on the back burner in case you end up going back. Just let the therapist know that you are going to try a more comprehensive treatment scheme with this psychiatrist, but you do not yet know if it will be a good fit.

You might go in for the initial consultation and tell the psychiatrist what diagnostic tests have already been scheduled based on the recommendations of the other doc. He may want to add to the tests or not, but he needs to know that you already had this scheduled and did not cancel it because of the long time to get on the schedule. You do not want the new doc thinking you are persuing dual diagnostic paths, or that another doc may be involved behind his back. You could even call and ask him if he would like you to wait until the neuro tests are done or not.

Vikie and all - My decision is made. I am going to keep the apt.

I just got an e-mail from his teachers. As you may know from my other threads, homework is a problem. So, I asked them to put it all in a packet so he could take it home over the weekend.

So, in lieu of this, my husband says that this confirms what we know all along - my son's defiance and oppositional behaviour is 99% of this problem.

It has gotten worse and the current therapist really has done nothing except make as aware of the problem.

We are going to show the e-mail to my son and get a little tougher with him and stricter.

When the time comes, we will tell him what the psychiatrist said, that he is not getting better, and that his behavior shows he needs help and we are going to a new person.

I will not dismiss the current therapist until I get a feel for this new guy. After all , it is only a consultation.

I will also write the psychiatrist a letter, explaining what is going on because at this initial consulation, my son will be there.

Agggg - so frustrating. I fear my son has a much more severe problem than ADD

Well good for you for making your decision. I think sending the letter ahead is a great idea! When we see my daughters psychiatrist she is also there, but I save things I want to talk about without her for our phone conversations. You amy want to ask him about communication between appointments, phone, or email.

If he does have something else goin on it may not be a severe problem, just one that hasnt been addressed yet.

You are doing everything right.