My frustration getting the better of me | ADHD Information
OH diane you have no idea! It really is like meditation for me! unfortunately it's seasonal....I live in washington state so it's a little chilly in the winter and fall!I am so glad I'm not the only one! I get so frustrated with my 3 boys sometimes I can't control myself. I turn into a screeming banchee! I have been really trying to not do that lately and I've been doing much better except for these last couple of days. I have 3 boys 12, 9, and 3. My 12 year old(ADD), teases my 9YO and my 9YO teases my 3YO. of course my 2 youngest scream at eachother (hmmm...wonder where they get THAT from?) constantly. I actually have gotten alot better now that my oldest has been diagnosed with ADD. I have become a little more patient...I have found that a glass of wine in the hot tub after the kids go to bed helps me! I also have a little pond with bubbling rock in the back yard and I'll go back there and just close my eyes and listen to the water and not think about anything else for a time. Ok I'm done venting now ( for now!) thanks for listening!
I bet we could all use some time sitting in your yard with you bubbling rock . Sounds wonderful.We all have meals that go that way. I've sent both my kids to bed without finishing their meals. They'll survive. dont' beat yourself up about it. We are allowed to get frustrated. Next time they'll know you mean it .Our counselor recommended a book that we loosely follow. It's called Magic 1,2,3. It kind of works this way: I tell the boy or boys what it is they are doing wrong and that they need to stop. I repeat the request about two times and if I'm not getting a response, I count. I usually count 5,4,3,2,1 and by one the bad behavior needs to stop or there is a 10 minute time out. After the time out, we don't talk about what happened, we just move on. The dos and don'ts are very clear rules in my house and I even give the neighbor kid a timeout if he is not following the rules.
The counting is used only for stopping a behavior, not for starting. So if it's time to wash hair or brush teeth, I'll say something like, "you're hair is going to smell so clean when you wash it tonight," or "make your teeth sparkle when you brush them good." It's important to use positive reinforcement if you want them to start a behavior.
Anyway, for Justin, we use a daily behavior chart. It was rough the first month or so, but he does well with it now. He is allowed one 10-minute time out a day and he still gets a star, which is currency he trades for 20 minutes playing games on cartoonnetwork.com - his favorite.
I am much calmer now that this is a system is in place and we are pretty consistent with it. Oh, and when I or my DH tells the kid(s) to take a time out, we are supposed to do so without emotion - that's the hard part for us. When they are timed out, we all have 10 minutes to relax. It works for us.
Good Luck!
Val
I know how you feel! I work 40+ hours a week with 13 one year olds! I'm completely exhausted and money is tight so we don't get a babysitter, really EVER and my fiance has a long commute so he's gone 6:30 am to 6:3pm weekdays. Tonight my kids were fighting at dinner, just sibbling crap, "she's looking at me, he's moving my plate, he kicked me" stuff. I totally lost it and started screaming at them to get some manners and I was like LAST CHANCE you knock it off now or you are going straight to bed NOW. My son "accidentally" dropped his fork on the floor and when he reached to get it, he "accidentally" stabbed his sister with it. That was IT for me!! They went to bed with only half a dinner in their tummies and it is only 6:30!!! UGH I've so HAD IT with their fighting!!! I can't have even one civil meal with them. Food is enough of a stuggle for my son because he doesn't have any appetite to speak of, so I have to force him to eat, then they fight the whole time and it is just miserable.Ibugg, it is so easy to get sucked into the yelling game...but as you said this is really not useful...I suggest you imagine having cameras in your house and then th ink of how you would look if you were video taped ( I know I would look like a crazy lady)...would you want anyone to see this side of you ( yelling)? Probably NO. I tink some mommy time is a great idea...when we are stressed it is just so easy to fall into the yelling pattern. Also I love the above ideas with the marble system and 1,2,3, magic ( great book).
Hang in there
I need some suggestions for myself. My ds is 5 and was diagnosed about 8 months ago. He is on meds and for the most part we have been having good days. There are days though that he knows just how to push my buttons and I loose my temper. I am a yeller and I know I am damaging him everytime I yell. When I yell he then turns and says everything is always his fault and that he is a stupid brother and he is dumb among other names he calls himself. I was wondering if anyone could give me some suggestions to keep my temper under control and not loose it. I have tried asking him to give me a few minutes and I have walked away but he trails after me and continues to tell me "I'm sorry Mommy. I love you." at that point I need to be by myself and calm down but he just won't leave me be. Please help.
How often are you getting a sitter and getting out of the house?Do you have a partner who can 'take over' so you can go for a walk?
It sounds to me like you need some space because you're patience is wearing thin--not uncommon
I have never used a sitter. My parents live close by but they were watching my ds for the last 3 months because he got kicked out of preschool so I felt really bad asking them if they could watch him more than they already were. I guess I am afraid of a sitter not being able to handle him.
My husband works at night 3 nights out of the week and also on Sundays so it is just me at home during that time. When he is home he is very helpful. We help keep each other calm. If he notices me getting frustrated he reminds me that Chris can't help it and that helps me ease up. It also helps that I can walk away and he takes over.
Explain to him that when someone is mad, they need time to get over it before they are ready to talk or interact with others. Tell him where your "safe" place is and that you need to be alone (he will know where you are and not stress over that). After you have calmed down make sure to talk to and reassure him that you are not mad at him but at what happened. Anxiety can be a big issue with ADHD kids.
Tell him that this also works for him. Help him pick his safe place (bedroom is good). As he gets older, he will probably face anger and he can start now by modelling what you do.
can you have a sitter come in the evening after he goes to bed. We used to do that with my youngest during extreme separation anxiety?
Does he go to school? During time he is at school if you can take a Yoga class, get a massage any of those stress relievers. Also counseling (for you), always helpful to vent, vent, vent!
Thank you all for your suggestions. I left work early today and I went shopping by myself. I was able to SLOWLY walk through the store and just browse at everything. I did a few more things and then I went to pick up the kids. I felt so much more relaxed since I was able to take some time to do what I wanted to do and not have to worry about chasing after someone in the store. I was so much more relaxed when I got home. There was no yelling tonight and everything is calm. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I will look into the Yoga, there is a womans center just down the street from me and I think that is what I need. Thanks again.I totally understand. I am at my end as well. I work 40hrs. a week with developmentally disabled adults from the ages of 18-80 and at the end of the day I feel quilty but I am so stressed after even one hour with my son that I lose it most days. I try so hard to control my temper but I have my own anxiety issues and my heart just races and all I can do is yell so I dont grab or spank him which I know is no good for him.. Lately I have been trying to just ignore the house work when we get home so that does not give added tension and just try to cater to him and my younger daughter to keep their mood happy. Their happiness is more important than a spotless kitchen.You need ME time and a big daily dose of omega-3.DianeV suggested yoga- I would go insane without my yoga class- consider giving it a try. I go to a rec and parks class that's cheaper than a studio.
I also wouldn't worry about a sitter not being able to handle him- most kids are better for other people anyway. My kids love having a sitter- they have a favorite, but we use a couple others too and they actually get upset if something comes up and I don't go out.
I just wanted to let you know, that I decided to hop online to find some support, came across this site, and then I read your post. I thought I was reading about myself so I registered. My son (5 yrs old) is also newish to meds (last 6 months or so) and it has definitaley helped, but the time before and after is a nightmare. He has ADHD, Hyperactive-Impulse control type and he had also has SPD. I love, love, love him but I am getting to the end of my rope. With no meds he is agressive, even with my 3 year old, and the talk.....oh Lord, the non stop talking....whew! Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for your honest post and let you know that someone out there is EXACTLY where you are in all this ADHD chaos.