Rude to child | ADHD Information
Before I read your reply MetisRebel I did ask ds what he said. He said he told him to stop. I then asked him how he thought the boy felt. Ds said bad. So I asked him how he felt about the boy feeling bad and he said sad. He also said that he had apologized to the boy. So he realizes that he was not very nice to the boy.
You might try talking to ds about how it FEELS to be the target of nasty, bullying statements, particularly if you know exactly what he said."How would YOU like it if someone called YOU a klutz? What would that FEEL like? Can you understand how it makes other people feel?"
Ds is being brought home from his scouting weekend shortly. Apparently he said something quite rude to a boy who was much younger then him under his breath. Ds really upset the boy. This next statement really scares and upsets me! The scout leader who has a son with ADHD herself said it sounded like something an abusive alcoholic would say and ds was snarly when he said it. Ds is pretty self centred and likes things his way. I am not going to give him a consequence when he arrives home. As far as I'm concerned even though I am very upset his consequence is having to miss the rest of the camp since that is where this happened.
Has anyone else's child been rude or snarled at another child and really upset them?
Bethann that is certainly a strange way to try to solve a bully problem. Why that is forcing the victim to sit with the bully. It doesn't make sense to me.
I would like to tell you about a friend's daughter's problem with bullying here in Canada. My friend's daughter was in the LLS class with ds during the 2005-2006 school year. There was another girl in the class who treated my friend's daughter horribly. She took her things, called her names under her breath, etc. My friend called the school. They had to leave the girls in the same class since this was the only LLS class in the school. My friend's daughter was too afraid to speak up to the teacher even though my friend told her too. FYI the girl who bullied my friend's daughter has the mother who harrassed my son.
You are correct aboout one thing,. The mother has mental issues. IMHO the daughter is going to grow up and be just like her mother. It is very sad.
What I find sad about all this "teasing" is that kids who are trying hard to be co-operative and kind wind up being the butt of all this abuse.Somehow, as a society we need to teach kids to stick together against the bullying as a group.
Bullies can't manage against a whole bunch of people.
Unfortunately, it usually gets treated like an "individual problem".
I live in the USA and here in my town when your child is bullied, they put the "victim" with the bully hoping they will be friends. My children have been moved in class seating arrangements as well as assigned lunch seats, only to be more victimized by the bully! This is the "new" way of trying to fix the problem by the schools here.
Even a friend who has a similar problem but is at a PRIVATE school tells me that they also put the victim with the bully. The bully just keeps bullying and the victim continues to be victimized.
The sad thing is it is learned behavior and even adults bully. I feel that the bullies have a lot of mental health issues, insecuties, possible abuse and take it out on others in attempt to make themself feel better.
Even though if that is the case it is sad, they still need to stop the bullying.
[QUOTE=BETHANN]You know this is tough now a days. I have two kids, one with adhd and the other borderline. Both are on the receiving end of being treated lousy by kids but don't give it back. Now a days kids are tough. They are really mean, both with and without adhd. It is learned in school and it doesn't seem to stop,nor do parents address it at home.
I feel that your son has been taught this by others doing it TO him. So he in turn is doing it to others. And when they are younger, that makes it easier.
I am lucky enough to have kids that don't do that. My ds with adhd minds his own business. I think he is used to it by now because of his social issues from his adhd. Every now and then, I truly wish he would. He is in fear that HE will get in trouble, not the lousy kid! School did this to him!
My daughter cries and tells me she never wants to make anyone feel the way that they make her feel, same as me, just like her mom!
I agree with the empathy conversations, they truly work!! Good for you mom working on this at home!
[/QUOTE]
Bethann I am not sure if you are from Canada or the USA. Anyhow here in Canada the kids and some adults with and without ADHD are very mean to each other. DS has been treated badly a lot over the years both by kids and adults.The adults know better. He was emotionally bullied by a male adult who lives in our area. I confronted the man and he apologized. A female adult who lives around here has harrassed him also. I spoke to the female as well. Her daughter apologized to me for her. Thankfully I heard she is moving.
Some of the boys at school still call ds names walking home from school. don't know the kids or parents and really feel I can't do much. Besides you cannot control someone else's actions. I have told him something that a good friend once told me. She was teased a lot over the years. She said that she always told herself if they were teasing her then they were leaving someone else alone. Small comfort to ds though.
Thanks for the support Bethann! 
I will continue to try and help ds not to tease other kids.
You know this is tough now a days. I have two kids, one with adhd and the other borderline. Both are on the receiving end of being treated lousy by kids but don't give it back. Now a days kids are tough. They are really mean, both with and without adhd. It is learned in school and it doesn't seem to stop,nor do parents address it at home.
I feel that your son has been taught this by others doing it TO him. So he in turn is doing it to others. And when they are younger, that makes it easier.
I am lucky enough to have kids that don't do that. My ds with adhd minds his own business. I think he is used to it by now because of his social issues from his adhd. Every now and then, I truly wish he would. He is in fear that HE will get in trouble, not the lousy kid! School did this to him!
My daughter cries and tells me she never wants to make anyone feel the way that they make her feel, same as me, just like her mom!
I agree with the empathy conversations, they truly work!! Good for you mom working on this at home!
[QUOTE=lovemyboy]Before I read your reply MetisRebel I did ask ds what he said. He said he told him to stop. I then asked him how he thought the boy felt. Ds said bad. So I asked him how he felt about the boy feeling bad and he said sad. He also said that he had apologized to the boy. So he realizes that he was not very nice to the boy.
[/QUOTE]Well that's a good start in empathy. The important thing is if he can learn from this...
My daughter tends to be the one teased too, but I have to say it really hasnt been awful. WE've CERTAINLY had our moments and now that we've hit middle school it's a bit worse. But my daughter is the nicest person. She would NEVER ever say or do anything mean (except maybe to her sister
, )she gets awfully upset if anyone does or says anything not nice to her and is pretty emotional, but I wouldnt have it any other way. I love that she can get past these things, they dont bring her down too much. We seem to be able to talk her into ignoring people and letting things go. Her school has a tolerance club that meets before school and it helps kids (like her) recognize bullies and bullying situations and how to deal. I know as an adult my child will not treat people mean. It also doesnt hold her back for ONE SECOND, she does what she wants to do, whether she has some one come with ehr or she goes it alone. I tell her often it one of my favorite qualities of hers, and to never change. I know it is heart breaking to see our kids teased, but we cant change otheres and can only teach them to be the person we want them to be, not others.I have told my mother time and time again some days I regret teaching my son to be "nice". He has a good heart and is very emotional.
I know for a fact he has gotten in some fights at school and things like that which may have been his fault so I can't say whether he himself has bullied because he is so impulsive I don't think he intends to come across that way. But the thing is, I did teach him to be nice and so many times I see it first hand how he's trying to be nice in conversation and kids will tease him and be so mean because he has such a hard time in social situations!! Many kids learn this through school but I know enough parents and their kids to know they got it first hand from their parents cuz they're just as snotty and "too good".
I am teaching my youngest son to respect others feelings and be kind, but he is not going to get the extra encouragement to keep trying to make friends with such rude kids who don't care how they make others feel. He will learn that if they want to be mean and hurtful, he doesn't need to be that way back and he certainly doesn't have to interact or try to be their friend!
Bethann - Your post is so true. In my town, they actually had a "no bully week" in the middle school.
My son says it's such a joke. He gets picked on sometimes and I tell him to always defend himself - not with violence but to stand up for himself. If he gets hit, hit back and we will defend him.
He tells me that he can't defend himself because he will get in trouble.
The schools are so naive - bullies are bullies and they enjoy hurting. The kids are taught to "talk to the bullies using I messages.
So, when a kid is beating you, the kid is supposed to say "I don't like it when I get hurt, it makes me feel badly" Stupid - like tht is supposed to stop the bully.
We have to teach our kids there are times to walk away and times when you have to defend yourself.
[QUOTE=rswf]
He tells me that he can't defend himself because he will get in trouble.
The schools are so naive - bullies are bullies and they enjoy hurting. The kids are taught to "talk to the bullies using I messages.
So, when a kid is beating you, the kid is supposed to say "I don't like it when I get hurt, it makes me feel badly" Stupid - like tht is supposed to stop the bully.
We have to teach our kids there are times to walk away and times when you have to defend yourself.
[/QUOTE]
rswf, My son does the same, he will NOT say anything or do anything, OR tell on them. He tells me that HE will get in trouble. That is what the schools are teaching. Both my kids say the same thing for not doing anything or telling, that they will be the one in trouble.
I laugh because they had the theme of one year at the school was about anti bullying., what a joke. The parents should be ashamed of themselves.
I work overnight for a GREAT company that offers my family wonderful benefits including the meds for ds adhd medication.
My daughter has had trouble ALL year with a nasty girl whose mother is her brownie leader Her daughter told mine that she has a problem with my dd because she is jealous of dd. BUT her MOTHER told her that she has one thing that my dd doesn't have, a mother. I work all night and sleep all day!
Can you imagine a child being told that by an adult, sick mother. The mother must be jealous of me like her daughter is jealous of my dd. I don't sleep all day, wish I could but I don't. She doens't know what I do and don't do. And the school, who knows my dd has had trouble with her ALL year, assigns her luch seat with THIS girl since the spring so that they can be friends, right!
Once daughter came home telling us this, my hubby went over and had the seat immediately moved and told the teacher so she knew what type of family this family REALLY is!
Small town living is tough!
But you gotta do what you gotta do.
