New here | ADHD Information
Hello everyone, I am a 34 year old mom of an 8 year old who was diagnosed with ADHD. When we first suspected the problem, my son was five and it was considered 'borderline' status at the time. His doctor and I treated his problem with Metadate and for a while, this was working.
About a few months ago, we noticed the fidgeting and lack of focusing in class making a comeback. Since we were nearing the end of the semester, we are trying a new med (concerta) which has an extended time-release. I believe because we've been using the Metadate for soon long and later I learned that the release was limited (3-5 hours) in combination with growth, this med no longer had an effect on helping control my son's behavior. Fortunately my son had a good, understanding teacher and we worked together in addressing his issues.
I had my son repeat the first grade because he was having so much trouble in class back then and this was after he was diagnosed and just started with the meds. It was the best decision I made. During his 2nd term in the first grade, he made a remarkable change. He focused more and was more activite in class participation. Even the Principal commented on his improvements. Now, he is aware that he has a problem, although when i talk to him about it, I explain to him that it's not a 'bad' thing. Luckily, he doesn't have self-esteem issues behind it and he knows when things start to feel like they're spiraling out of control. At home, when I notice him getting a bit excited (although it's not as bad as it use to be) I make him do what we refer to as "The Cool Out Period". He is to get something that's soothing (like a favorite book or his LeapPad, blanket, plush toy, etc.) and sit without any loud noises, just some soft music on low. We talk softly about positive things. This helps us whenever we reach that 'zone'.
The negative side to all of this was my family, unfortunately . When I first deteched something was wrong with my son, you know, everyone has an opinion on child-rearing. I was told that I wasn't "hard" enough or that I needed to start "spanking" him. I did plenty of research. When you have a child with ADHD, you have to handle things differently. My son couldn't control the way he behaved. My husband and I kept the fact that my son was on medication for quite a while. Unfortunately, I have some family members who are stuck in the 19th century and believe a good 'whipping' will solve the problem and that ADHD is just a made-up reason in order to label a child, get them hooked on meds so teachers won't be distracted in school and can teach without the interruptions (oh, and also for us to spend more on medical costs & prescriptions). Sad, so sad that people think this way. I use to cry sometimes because it seemed no one, not only didn't understand, but didn't even want to LEARN about it. It was very hard because I have lupus and renal kidney failure. Dealing with a child who has ADHD right after a dialysis treatment is rough to say the least. Worst, being when you have very little family support.
I have a relative with a son and it's very clear that he had a problem, though the parent REFUSED to have the child go in for testing. Her son had major problems in school and besides the issues with the teachers, his schoolwork suffered. I felt that if his problem was addressed (if in fact he was diagnosed with ADHD) I'm sure he would've done 100% better. He's a teenager now and an honor student, but was it best to let the child 'grow' out of this.....or maybe if it were addressed earlier, the poor thing would've have gone through such an ordeal.
Whomever is reading this...if you recently learned your child has ADHD, PLEASE, don't be as ignorant as some of my relatives were in handling the issue. SEEK help! Read books about ADHD, symptoms, etc. TALK to doctors!. SEEK RESEARCH TALK. I'm just so happy because my son is doing so much better. He still has his moments of course, but it's not that bad.
I'm also relieved that I found this great website and I"m looking forward to chatting with others and sharing ideas.
Thanks so much for reading (sorry for the length)
Welcome sirrap1,
It sounds like you are on a good path for your son. Congratulations for overcoming issues that were holding you back from getting effective treatment. I know this is a tough thing to do.
It can be very difficult when family is ignorant and chooses to remain that way. We have faced this as well and have had to tell them that this was personal medical information that we would not share and that we were working with doctors for proper diagnosis and treatment and the second guessing of lay people was not welcome. Unfortunately I have a neice whose daughter may need help, but I doubt she will get it, because that part of the family does not believe in psychiatry and think that it is the root of all evil (not exagerating here).
I have to jump in on this one. I agree with all the posts that say theoffending relatives, esp the hard core "advice givers" will never change.
I posted elsewhere. I am a mother of 4 ADD boys now men. My middle
two where the most difficult continuously, although the oldest and the
youngest had their turns.
My family was either disinterested, disbelieving or negative. No one was
actually straightforward about it b/c that is not how they are. I am the
oldest of a big family myself, and had most of my children before my sibs
were parents.
It hurt, I can still remember and my "kids" are 25-34 yrs old at this time. I
can remember verbatim stinging comments made that I would "ruin"
them, that I "built the world around them" and so forth.
I took these comments to heart, and second guessed myself more then
once.
Thank God I only had this kind of challenge with the kids b/c I was 100%
committed and I went by my own gut. I may have altered my behaviour by
not sharing it as openly, but when I thought it was good judgement I went
with it regardless of the ridicule. And that hurt.
WHAT I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU NOW IS THAT MY KIDS ARE GROWN
AND HAVE SUCCEEDED far better then the "normal" grandchildren. The
very same people who looked down their noses at me, and laughed
behind my back can't wait to kiss-up to my second son (prob the hardest
most challenging kid I had) who is a multimillionaire at 33 and can hand
out tickets to Patriots games, pay peoples debts and generally just give
people a taste of lifestyles of the rich and famous. It really makes me
laugh.
Hang in there mom, believe in yourself. You will laugh last.
Good Luck and God Bless
Patty62
Welcome sirrap1.
I have to say I am SO thankful I have not had to deal with family that dodnt understand. My family has been very supportive of our "things". I see how lucky we have been. Our lives are dramtic and confusing enough without having to listen to all this from others.
[QUOTE=Patty62]
WHAT I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU NOW IS THAT MY KIDS ARE GROWN
AND HAVE SUCCEEDED far better then the "normal" grandchildren. The
very same people who looked down their noses at me, and laughed
behind my back can't wait to kiss-up to my second son (prob the hardest
most challenging kid I had) who is a multimillionaire at 33 and can hand
out tickets to Patriots games, pay peoples debts and generally just give
people a taste of lifestyles of the rich and famous. It really makes me
laugh.
Hang in there mom, believe in yourself. You will laugh last.
Good Luck and God Bless
Patty62[/QUOTE]
Hi Patty62, I did read your post yesterday. I'm pretty sure it was especially harder back then when your boys were very young because there wasn't really any studies or help on ADHD. I'm the same age as one of your sons now (34) so I know back in the 1970's early 80's the chances of finding if your child had this was very very slim! I remember as a child, I had trouble making friends. I was very shy and when my parents divorced when I was nine, I remember getting worse and my parents reactions were "you need to start talking to people. Stop being so shy..blah blah blah". Their divorce did have an effect on me but seeking counseling back then was out of the question. Thankfully now, since dealing with my son, I educated my mom and she is more supportive. My dad's still in the dark, so I don't tell him anything about my son's ADHD. As far as he knows, my son just had this 'dynamic' change 
Your kind words about your sons lives now makes me feel much better. I'm glad they have succeed in life and the worse is now behind you. Thank you so much.....Thanks to all! I'm so happy I found this site. 
your mom, and she is more supportive. I don't know anything about her
but it must be hard to learn that there were things that could have helped
you as a child, and she did not know them. I am speaking from a mom's
vantage point here.
Also being ADD myself I had a lot of intuitive understanding of my kids. I
remember my 2nd and 3rd boys being diagnosed around '85 and my
pediatrician telling me that the disorder was thought to be inherited. I
remember being lost in overwhelming thought, and then picking up on
how he was looking right at me-- and thinking "oh no-- I've got this ?!?!?"
Now I know that my husband certainly is as ADD as I am maybe worse.
But he is a very successful man, who is looked up to as an authority on
complex economic and finacial issues. I guess from the outside he looks
very un - ADD. But not so, he has all the earmarks.
I know that as I came to understand what it all meant I did feel a
mourning for myself and my own childhood, for what I could have been if
I had been alive in the time that ADD was a known and helped thing. I
was raised in the 50-60's went to school in a convent, and suffered a lot
of low self esteem and confusion about why I wasn't like other girls-not
organized, not neat, always a day late, a dollar short. In time I got a
handle on these feelings and jumped in to give myself some special
chances. I also think this regret drove me to insure that my kids got the
support and chances that I did not.
As far as your family goes, this is difficult even if you do not have ADD.
Families can mess you up. I think it is especially hard when your kid is
different or struggling because you do not have a lot of the things others
have. The benchmarks, the little victories- instead you have the battles,
the challanges.
I was a social person (but terribly shy and insecure underneath) and I had
lots of upscale friends. Their kids succeeded where my kids did not. My
kids were trouble, work, worry and I had to sit around and hear about
blah blah blah-- and I really liked my friends kids and was happy for
them-- but I did not have too many big celebratory moments. My kids
were excellent athletes, and had good social skills- that was nice, but as
for early successes, --- no. This is where the reaction of family members
was hurtful. It was like piling on. It was in some cases just the last straw.
Get support for yourself. I can't emphasise that enough-- go to
counciling, use this board, -- I had several great friends who were always
there for me. I still have residual scars from things said to me about my
kids when I really needed support and I got dissed. The people who did it
were ignorant and thoughtless. I should have risen above it but I just
couldn't.
ADD kids have a LOOOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGGG trajectory. My kids have
really done well, but they started to be really successful about 11th
grade, and on and on from there. Just different neurologically. Crazy wild
and lazy kids-- they turned into super responsible gifted men.
If only I had known I was going to make it, it would have been easier to
bear some of the doubt that criticism creates.
Know it as true-- your son is going places,good places, do what you have
to do to take care of your own feelings.
Keep your boundaries up around people who are not 100% behind you.
Good luck
Pattty62
Hi..My son is also ADHD and when he was diagnosed last week I told my sister that it is hereditary and she informed me that they where in the "clear" because she and her husband have masters degrees and his mother also does and his Dad has his PhD so no sign of ADHD on her husbands side. I told her she really needs to be educated on stupid comments like that before telling people that. My Mom is ok with him going on meds, but my Dad defintly beleives this is a made up disease and again it is paretns.. I was ADHD and my forced my dad to put me on ritalin, but at that time it was embarssing and I was 12 so I refused to take it (could kick myself now for that one) and 14 years later he is still saying I dont have ADHD and neither does my son, but he is supportive on whatever we do he just has to add his 2 cents :) Your best bet as we have now figured out is I am the one with him for 24/7 and I see what this is doing to him and it is not good and I can not sit back and watch him self destruct basically.. We will see if we can do meds and how they work on him I am just praying to take the "edge" off of him..
You are defintly not alone..
Meaghan
Hi Meagan-I got my best support from outside my family, and I got comments like
your families. Hop on this board or others for the support you need, and
be careful around your family. Their comments will hurt more, (at least
my families did) and you really are looking for support from them, and
they are not there yet.
My son's have Phd and 2 masters degrees and they are ADD.
My oldest is a Stanford Phd, and my second went to Dartmouth and
Harvard for his MBA-- and he is a CEO diagnosed and on Concerta as I
write this.
They don't get it-- they care, but not in the way you need right now.
Keep your boundaries up, you need to take care of your feelings and be
strong for your boy. I know when my first two were diagnosed it was
suggested to me that I was ADD, later I too was diagnosed. It was a
sh*tstorm (pardon my french) of emotion-- thinking I had "something"--
at that time what that something was not really widely known or
understood-- and thinking like you, that I could have had a different life,
and that, my kids were not "normal". Some of the literature emphasised
all the bad outcomes that ADDs are likely to have ( and we did have them
and we dealt) and it was overwhelming. I had 4 kids and I thought if this
is what I can expect at best-- why try. Of course all the feelings were
fleeting, but you are vulnerable now--- take care.
good luck
Patty62
Wow, what an interesting topic. Let me say that ADHD children can become very successful in life. It may be a bit rough for them (really, don't we all have problems) but many are very wonderfully successful people.
My husband was a complete failure in elementary school. One teacher told his parents he would never amount to anything (this was the 60's, a time when teachers would say such a thing). His parents finally were tired of his failures and lack of focus that they sent him to Military school. According to my husband, the kids came out harden criminals or saints. He came out a saint. His life was changed and he decided all the attention he got for bad grades, he could get the same attention for good grades. Long story short, the outcome for his life is amazing. He has his Phd, went to and taught at Ivy League schools and is EXTREMELY successful in life. He knows he has ADHD now that our son and daughter have been diagnoised and I think he feels like his life would have been better with meds. He has witnessed the changes in our children and knows it could have saved him much heartache. But, by any measure in our culture he has acheived a great life.
Every child is different but they are all wonderful and special. Celebrate all that is wonderful about these children even in the most difficult time.
Sorry, I forgot to add that his family or mine does not know about medication. It would just complicate everything. I don't feel the need to justify the meds to anyone. I feel that like adults, children have the right to privacy about their medical needs. I wouldn't shout from the mountian tops my best friends medical history, why would I do that to my child? I feel strongly that everything regarding my child is on a need to know basis. And my family and his does not need to know. Just my opinion. Welcome! I often feel the same as you with regards to family. Mine often make comments about the 'proper' way to raise a child, obviously because I dont beat her at least twice a week or pop her in the mouth for backtalking that is why she is the way she is...but she just doesnt respond to those kinds of punishments and becomes like an automaton when you yell at her or spank her. Its so frustrating.
Even worse, she is very very tall so she looks like she is about 2-3 yrs older than she is but acts about 2-3 yrs younger than she actually is.
Best of luck to you. I hope you like it here, I have gotten some great advice and the good thing is- we've all been there!
Hugs!!
Tina I love your story. I also kept any and all facts that I wanted to keep to
myself (like meds, councilling,or other issues) private. For the kids sake
and for my own, I had expert help that i trusted, and I protected myself
from "helpful" comments.
My husband is undiagnosed ADD, also very successful. I myself am
diagnosed and share the feelings your husband has.... what could I have
been if I had known, gotten help?
My kids have done well, but as I begin writing and remineseing I realize
that things were really rough along the way, and I NEVER ever dreamed
that things could turn out as well as then did. And I made mistakes,
probably made every mistake in the book. And my kids did too. I have not
read the literature that is given out for parents now, but the stuff I was
given in the 80's catologed a list of problems, and we have had them all.
And still, I think my kids did really well, and we dealt with the problems.
So glad to hear your storyI think your husband may have thrived on the structure. And maybe was
resilient enough to fly below the radar on some of the more damaging
aspects of military school.
I myself went to school in a convent, which was demanding and structured
and probably helped me set up good work habits, and gave me a good hard
core classical education--- and also gave me shame about some of my less
well developed areas like organization, neatness, math. But on the whole the
nuns loved me and enabled me. So I like your husband, put together
something that worked by my wits (as one councilor told me) in an
envirornment that on the surface would strike one as not ideal or even good.I am so ADDing out this morning. As far as the teacher telling your son he
will never amount to anything!
Oh tune out that crap.
My second son did very poorly in grade 2. I said to the teacher, "all c's
and d's? -- I thought he was smarted then that?" he answered me "your
son is average or below. 10 years later he got a perfect score on his math
SAT, the only one in our whole school district.
My firstborn I actually have a letter on school letterhead, from the head
of the History department in his High School objecting to be moving him
to a general level history. The dept head said-- he will never go to
college. HE said I was making a "serious error". I moved my son b/c the
teachr was abusive and even I did not know if I was making a "serious
error" But I saw no other choice. My son got his PHD from Stanford June
of this year. He will be a full professor this august.
My third son who could not read in grade 2 has a masters and is a clinical
social worker.
Never give up, Never, NEVER never give up (Winston churchill- ADD
himself most experts believe)