husbands?!?! | ADHD Information

Sorry, I'm not really understanding your question...do you mean 'husbands' as to have one or not? It's still pretty early here, so maybe I'm not fully awake sirrap139258.3022800926I am really into the mother's story of raising an ADD kid. How does he
husband/ dad figure in the work?

I just read a post that reminded me of years ago. I raised 4 ADD boys, my
husband was supportive in many ways, and not a help in others. That was
really my interest.

How does he/she help, or not help
ThanksAnybody got anything to say about husbands? Pro or con?
I have just been reading posts and walking down memory lane..............

thanks
Patty62My husband has a huge lack of patience and I find isn't very helpful with my son.  He's ok with my other son, but I think patience is his number one problem..Mine tries so very hard to be patient. He is a very patient man, normally. But after a long hard day at work when he comes home and DD is off the walls he does get frustrated. He never yells at her but he is short, and I can tell he is frustrated. It makes me sad sometimes because he rarely ever gets frustrated with our non ADHD child and it breaks my heart b/c I worry she will sense it. Other than that he is a wonderful helper and is 100% supportive and awesome.

Tina

Interesting question. My ex-husband and I separated when our ADHD son was 2 1/2. I think having children can be very hard on a marriage. And doubly hard when the child has ADHD. My ex was not willing to accept that his child 'might' be "different". Which I find quite interesting seeing as I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 15. It should not be so frightening that you fear your son might be just like Mom? It was a bad relationship all around but our sons 'difficulties' really brought our differences to the surface. Sure, you think you know the person you have married, but not until something life altering happens that you really see who they are.

I also think how naive I was in assuming divorce would make a huge impact on his parenting. I didn't realize at the time that once we were separated he would be left to parent ALONE on the days he had him. And he has a far different parenting style - ideas, techniques, whathaveyou, all much different from mine. I should probably add that this wasn't the only determining factor for our split. Even though our son has been officially diagnosed with ADHD he is still of the same mindset as many of the folks I encounter are and that is that ADHD doesn't really exist and that you can parent it out of the child. My son HATES going to his fathers home. I'm sure you can guess why.

My husband was never much help. He was and still is a 16 year old boy trapped in a mans body. Or you could also just refer to him as a typical male. Sure, I could trust him to watch our son while I worked...But, really all that meant was I could count on him to bring the baby with him if the house was, to say, catch on fire. otherwise, he was busy with friends or the computer and our son was usually left to enetertain himself. Also, this is the same sort of father that doesn't know "what to do" unless you give him explicit instructions.

And, yes, I really did believe that he would 'grow up" when we had children. Of course, it wasn't until having our son did I realize just how much growing up he had to do.

Lonergirl, do you think your ex may have ADHD and doesn't know it?

 

Lonergirl-

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I am writing a book on raising the ADD
and I wonder if I could keep some notes on what you wrote me, it is
thoughtprovoking ........

I also wonder if your ex is undiagnosed ADD. My husband definately is
and he was similar. Distracted while watching the kids, this made it
necessary to assume much more of the childcare 24/7 for me, as until my
oldest was old enough, I was never QUITE sure that the kids were safe.I
think this was also a great strain on my oldest son. Being the second in
command.

I am interested in what you say about so many people thinking ADD
doesn't exist. My mother seemed to have that opinion, but she held her
tongue- but it is still loud and clear to" hear" the message in her actions
and attitudes. Funny an earlier post points to a mother worrying that her
daughter will "feel" her dad's disapproval-- well we do, don't we, esp we
ADDs which are in my opinion very intuitive.

I think people believe that there is something called ADD, or that some
people have traits that we have copped out and labeled ADD so that we
can excuse ourselves from responsibility. That if we were better parents
our kids would not be like that.

I remember one pediatrician that was a close family friend coming to a
school staffing with me to argue to the teachers-- my son was a
freshman in high school and getting all D's and F's-- being kept out of
sports and he was an all state level player as a Freshman--- that all the
traits that were so irksome in Dan as a kid and a student would be assets
when he was grown. This has turned out to be the case. People all marvel
at what he has acheived, but the self same traits that got him where he is
now-- a much admired young CEO-- got him in endless trouble as a kid
and even as a young mad. It is the parents job to keep him in line enough
to survive, but not come down on him so hard he becomes angry, or anti
or even loses his self worth. That is a hard hard hard line to draw.

As far as your husband having your son on his own, we all have to deal
with that if we have any chance to get time on our own-- that is a very
interesting angle. I think I will post that. Leaving the kids with dad, non-
ADD dad or ADD dad-- how does it go?

Thanks so much for your thoughts. They were great ideas.

Best of luck with your boy.
Patty62Wilsmama
In a chat with another member I was prompted to think about the whole
issue of leaving your kids with their dad?

How does it go?

How does it affect the time you have alone/unburdened/ free?

Is dad ADD or not?

Any thoughts?

How is Dad's lack of patience "unhelpful"?TinaMarie-

In another post we talked about the fact that little ADD kids (maybe all
kids that is the only kind of kid I had!) pick up on the subtle fact that they
are getting negative feedback even when it is unstated.

How does this affect you ? Does it put an added burden on you to take
more of the responsibiltiy? It did for me. I think I saw myself as a buffer
between my husband and sons, esp 2 and 3-- the more demanding ones.
I hated them to get that feedback-- and I also did not like to get it
myself-- somehow I felt it was my fault the kid was not satisfactory. This
was not just with my husband, but with many or my interactions.

Wilsmama
In a chat with another member I was prompted to think about the whole
issue of leaving your kids with their dad?

How does it go?

How does it affect the time you have alone/unburdened/ free?

Is dad ADD or not?

Any thoughts?

How is Dad's lack of patience "unhelpful"?

My husband's great- I just wish he were at home more!  He's got a longish commute, so he's gone from around 7:30 am- 6:30pm.  My son does tend to listen to him slightly better, and my husband definetely knows how to relate to boys better than I, although he gets just as frustrated by our son's behavior.  He is better at removing himself from the situation when he's frustrated with ds than I am- I tend to try to make him stop/listen/whatever when it really would just be better to walk away for sanity's sake.

The other thing that strikes me about my husband is that he's able to tell me when something that I am doing is actually making ds's behavior worse rather than better- without totally pissing me off.  Having ADHD myself can mean that I forget to do stuff I should, and impulsively respond to behaviors when it would be better to think for a moment first. 

That sounds like a really good situation you have there. You are doing well
to take in the prompts/suggestions your husband gives u and use it
productively. That is good modeling for your children [QUOTE=Patty62]TinaMarie-

In another post we talked about the fact that little ADD kids (maybe all
kids that is the only kind of kid I had!) pick up on the subtle fact that they
are getting negative feedback even when it is unstated.

How does this affect you ? Does it put an added burden on you to take
more of the responsibiltiy? It did for me. I think I saw myself as a buffer
between my husband and sons, esp 2 and 3-- the more demanding ones.
I hated them to get that feedback-- and I also did not like to get it
myself-- somehow I felt it was my fault the kid was not satisfactory. This
was not just with my husband, but with many or my interactions. [/QUOTE]
Yes I feel this way so much, especially the part of being the buffer and just dealing with it all by myself, not asking for help....its doubly hard as Ashley (my ADHD child) is from a previous marriage so I feel apologetic all the time that I have brought this stress to our marriage yet again I feel even worse for feeling any guilt because she is my daughter and I love her so very very much....Its just hard all the way around. But we make it, one day at a time.

Tina This is probably one of the key things that I did to "undermine" myself.
And it is a very subtle thing, probably a part of mothering as a whole, but
maybe just somehow exagerated in our cases (moms of ADDs).

When my kids were first diagnosed, back in the 1980's there was very
little literature, in fact I got a pamphlet (black and white) and it was not
really helpful. It was full of the "statistics" about all the dire things that
ADD's get into. It was not encouraging or hopeful-- at best it said things
like "with the proper help these kids can cope" don't know the whole
history of ADD but in that time, my own pediatrition, who was a school
problem specialist, and a good friend, did not really suspect it in my son.
My son was a friend of his own son's and my pediatrition saw my kid
ALOT.

Meanwhile my younger (third) son was getting special reading help b/c at
grade 2, he could still not read. They brought in a specialist ( to whom I
will be forever grateful) and she said she thought Marc had something
called an attention disorder. I remember she gave me a tape about it. I
listened and told my ped-- "Hey I think Dan (number 2 son-- screwing
up royally-- about to be kicked out of school in grade 6) has this" -- and
I gave the tape to my pediatrition. He listened to the tape, and he said
"Patty, I have heard about this-- and I really apologize that I did not
realize that this was Danny's issue-I think your right". My son, it turns
out, really struggled to overcompensate, and often appeared less ADD
then he was -- this great effort often resulted in blowback later.

Then began what would turn out to be a 3 or 4 year struggle to undo and
repair ( to the the extent we could- this I think is still an issue in my son
age 31 CEO of multimilliondollar company he founded- on concerta) the
damage failing as badly as he had to fail to be noticed and helped,
caused.

Simulaneously I had 3 other kids, one who was on the cusp of ADD hood
in grade 2 or 3- one who was undiagnosed and struggling in grade 9,
and a nursery school kid who they were putting "on the discipline matt"
on a daily basis. I told the nursery school "take a number, I'll get to you as
soon as I can".

This as you can see was not pretty. I had of course GUILT. I also had
FEAR. I also had family and their not so helpful "He's fine" -- "Why do only
your kids have this" --- "Could it be lead poisoning"--- on and on type
of comments.

I had Shame, Confusion, Defeat. Probably other feelings mixed in--
reading these boards has brought back so much.

Another layer was my husband, who actually told ME to go for help to a
psychologist b/c it was my mothering that was the problem.

Do not faint. I did what he said- - I was that desperate. It turned out to
be a big blessing in disguise. I got diagnosed, I got a lot of help and
support, and my councilor taught me that I was not only not defective, I
was a virtual wonder with the severe ADD I myself had, and the life I had
lead and the things I had accomplished. This councilor said that
undiagnosed learning problem sufferers that succeed are invariably super
hard workers, and that (I think) is true.

Ritilan helped me, counciling helped me. I got quite a bit of help, but I
always pointed it towards my kids-- how could I help them-- it was
always all about them.

Looking back I should have paid a lot more attention to myself. I have
learned through the years that I am only as strong as I AM. I can't really
do much good when I am depleted and DEFEATED. And some days I have
been, and I have really messed up and paid for it.

If I had it to do over again I would get MUCH MUCH more personal
support. I would start with that. If my book will say anything to mothers it
would say, HELP YOURSELF FIRST. I believe that a strong calm together
mother is the best best thing any kid can have. I think there must be
good dads, but I really know the moms who do this stuff. Take care of
yourself, and it will help your kids.

If you do not have money-- go to AlAnon, it is free, sometimes has
babysitting, and is a great place to learn to take care of yourself.

Those feelings that you are a buffer, that you are at fault, that b/c of
some subtle failure on your part, you need to double pedal as a mother
are all swirling around in your heart and driving the bus of your life.
Those kind of feelings make you overcompensate, drive yourself too
hard, ease up to much on the ADD kids ( I know I did all this, and it was
not good for me or the kids).

I know you are a good mom, and that your girl will make it-- it is all there
in the sentence "she is my daughter and I love her so very very much".
Been there. These kids have wells of strength, intuition, creativity, drive
that will serve them well. They make it, your job is to get "bulletproof"
against all you will deal with on the way.

Start by taking your own complex feelings underconsideration, so you can
get it going in the positive.