getting burnt-out fast | ADHD Information
Hi Michele-
We hear that all the time with our almost 5 year old too. He will say he does not love me in his heart anymore. :) It hurt the first time and after that I am so immune to what he says that we just ignore it. The more I ignore it the better it is for him because he is not getting the attention he wants. I really pick and choose my battles with him lately and he is in his room for so many other things, like hurting his sister, that i think telling me he does not love me (even though I know he does and he will usually say he loves me within 30 minutes) is not worth that fight. Plus he does not say it to anyone else besides me so I dont have to worry about him being disrespectful to other people.
If you ignore it for us it has gotten SO much better..
Good luck,
Meaghan
I have a 4 yr 10mos old boy with ADHD. I love him so much, I can't communicate how much this hurts. I can typically ignore his comments but I'm really getting burnt out on hearing how stupid and fat I am and how much he hates me... I usually respond "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way but I love you" Does anyone else have this problem right now? What do you think he is trying to tell me? I'm getting close to not caring what he is trying to say, which is not what I want. How do you deal?
It sounds like he is trying to provoke you. Dont let him. You have to decide what the consequence will be, but he should learn that is not acceptable behavior. I personally send my younger daughter to her room when she cannot be nice to others in the family. No debate, not fighting about it. I give her one warning, if you cant be nice you will go to your room. Quite often this excalates her and she's up for a challenege. One comment by her I walk over take her by the arm and direct her to her room. She cant' join the rest of us until she's ready to apologize and be nice. Once she does decide she is going to come out and be nice, this is when I ask her how she would feel if people said things like this to her? 4 year olds are defiant, it comes with the territory, unfortunatley. Many times my daughter has said she doesnt like us say becasue we dont let her have candy before dinner. I have told ehr that I'm sorry this is our rule, she can feel free to look for parents who allow their kids to have andy before dinner, but it wont be us . She turned five in February and has gotten SO much better. Some of it will pass with maturity.I know you said you typically ignore the behavior, but if your telling him you love him when he's being disrespectful and rude then you're (unintentionally) reinforcing the behavior.
Have you read 123 Magic? It's perfect for this kind of stuff. He says "Mommy, you're stupid", you say "that's 1"- just count for each infraction, no emotion, no telling him it's wrong. When he hits 3 you send him to his room for a time out. Then you do it over and over and over and over and over (because he's 4 there might be a few more "overs").
Chose other times in the day to discuss appropriate ways of talking to people. I tell my preschool- age daycare kids that hurting people with words is just the same as hurting them with your hands and that I will not let anyone else hurt them, therefore I cannot let them hurt anyone else. (And I do this over and over and over. . . ) And we practice what to say when we're angry with someone.
As for what he's trying to tell you- he's probably looking for limits. 4 yr. olds test limits, it's like a full time job for most of them, and he most likely wants to see where you're going to draw the line. Also, it's easy to slip into the "he has adhd, so he can't control what he's saying" mindset, so watch out for that- don't let him (or you) make excuses for misbehavior.
Jaderock is spot on! I completely agree with her approach! I think those of us with ADHD children tend to forget - myself included - that while the typical approach to discipline doesn't 'appear' to be working with our kids...the issue really is that it often DOES work, it just takes 10 times longer to get the same effect as a parent with a 'typical' child would.
I also wanted to add that I totally get how easy it is to get burned out with ADHD kids. In my experience it's hard to continue doing something when you feel the results aren't coming quick enough. But, time has shown that those things I am unwilling to bend on - Well, the kids seem to 'know' and accept that I won't change my mind. For instance, I can't tell you how many times I have had to reprimand the children for running into the road without looking first - My mother lives across the street - so this happens frequently - But, I knew in my heart this wasn't something I could just ignore. So everytime they ran into the street something had to be done. Now, they seem to have gotten the picture and VERY rarely do they bolt without looking. It's so hard to apply this logic to other situations though. I'm still trying to figure out how to stop the tantrums when I say no snacks at dinner time. For some reason this is just a hard time to say no - Dinner cooking - finishing up kitchen chores - tired - So I just give in to avoid the fight. And I continue to do it over and over even though I know better. Sometimes you just have to pick your battles because with ADHD children there are oh so many of them. 
yep i send my dd there into the naught spot or corner. but i also interview her about her feelings about why she says such things.
like when she states im mean and cries .
the naughty spot is only for getting her calmed down . the interview afterward is to find out what smaller emotions led up to her outburst. soi that i can see these smaller emotional cues and redirect her before she ....... says i hate you daddy
but i know she love me
its just shes feeling an emotion that hurts because ive told her what to or not to do. so alot of times i have to stay away from the "no" word and try not to be the reason for the no, i mean i try not to be her reason for her trigger & escalation & and outburst. but i always try to practice being her guide to understanding what the little things that led up the big crys
Thanks everyone. I'm in the process of reading the 1-2-3 magic. Here's hopin' for a change :0)