HELP | ADHD Information
I've always been a law unto myself at work and been pulled up for it several times in the past. However, I have only been sacked once and that was from a job I hated and was useless at. I find it hard to stick to rules and regulations and also wonder how much it has spilt into my personal life. At the moment, I am looking at my life and all I can see is chaos and people frustrated and angry with me. Is this the depression and am I being too hard on myself? I am feeling very anxious and not functioning well at moment. Sorry to bang on but guess I am feeling a bit needy. God I hate this feeling! It has helped me to instill a relative sense of order in the once chaotic battle field I fashoned and fought my biggest fights...in my mind. Through it I am able to govern my thoughts. This is very important, because from my thoughts today I mold my dreams for tomorrow. That aspect alone gives me the wherewithall to understand that my thoughts and ideas are not the Alpha & Omega of all of life's challenges, to listen is far more important to me than to transmit... I have never learned anything from something I've said, its always been something I've heard or read. This abillity to focus on this attitude towards things gives the little punisher in me a vacation as I do less and less to punish myself for, and when I do mess up, he just laughs at me.Well, sounds like we've both boyed each other up a bit. Glad to have met you in cyberspace buddy. Keep in touch. I intend to get try and get a formal diagnosis of adhd, if indeed, that is what i have, take meds, get better, learn to control my emotions better (especially at work!!) and take this as a valuable, but excruciatingly painful lesson in life. I've only been on the course for six months and this is only my second placement. I have two and a half years to go. PRobably better for this to have happened now and I'm sure I'll be a better person for it. What i need to stop doing now is going over my life and picking out all the stuff which reinforces my negative view of myself. That is symptomatic of depression I think - giving huge empahsis to your negative bits. I cringe all the time at stuff and yes, I know the past is in the past blah blah but it doesn't stop me doing it! Oh for a quiet mind. Get out there Marko and spread your wisdom!! YOu say your medication is working. IN what way? Sorry to bombard you but am curious..........I am a 39 year old woman who has suffered from depression since age 11. It takes the form of focusing obsessively on something negative (usually about myself) and going over and over it. Once I get over that negative thought, another one comes in and off I go again and just feel this compulsion to talk about it to try and quieten my mind. I can't seem to slow down to sort these thoughts out. Meds do help but recently cut down on them and the old symptoms came back. Now to the crux of the matter. I am a trainee nurse and am on placement. I thought I was doing really well as I am intelligent, keen, very hands on enthusiastic and motivated. However, I was told today that I am disruptive in meetings because I interrupt, I tend to start one thing and then wander off and start another, I seem to have difficulty focusing and cannot seem to stay in one place for very long plus seem to be quite impulsive. I completely lost the plot and spent the day in tears, berating myself and going over and over it and then feeling really embarrassed at my reaction. The thing is I realise that I have had these impulsive traits all my life and this busy mind that never stops and was always thought of as a disorganised daydreamer at school who could never focus on homework. I am also known as very energetic, exuberant, free spirited and talkative, as well as emotional and over sensitive. I have always had trouble with work, although my intelligence and contibution to the workforce in other ways has always meant i have never been sacked from a job, although I make careless mistakes and find and can't follow strict guidelines and occasionally overstep the mark. I'm sorry this is such a stream of conciousness but I am just writing as I think and am very anxious and low at the moment. My tutor thinks I may have ADHD as well as depression. Can anyone relate to my ramble?!!!!![QUOTE=abitflakey]I am a 39 year old woman who has suffered from depression since age 11. It takes the form of focusing obsessively on something negative (usually about myself) and going over and over it. Once I get over that negative thought, another one comes in and off I go again and just feel this compulsion to talk about it to try and quieten my mind. I can't seem to slow down to sort these thoughts out. Meds do help but recently cut down on them and the old symptoms came back.
Hello to you! Welcome!
I can definitely relate to that. In my case, the negative fixations got better as I got older, but manifested itself through depression, OCD & Panic Disorder.
Now to the crux of the matter. I am a trainee nurse and am on placement. I thought I was doing really well as I am intelligent, keen, very hands on enthusiastic and motivated. However, I was told today that I am disruptive in meetings because I interrupt, I tend to start one thing and then wander off and start another, I seem to have difficulty focusing and cannot seem to stay in one place for very long plus seem to be quite impulsive. I completely lost the plot and spent the day in tears, berating myself and going over and over it and then feeling really embarrassed at my reaction.
Don't feel so bad. I understand because I would feel awful too if I got this kind of news after thinking everything was OK. Don't beat yourself up over something you didn't even know you were doing. You can't help it. I beat myself up CONSTANTLY because I am always forgetting things at home. My husband doesn't give me a lot of slack. I blame everything on myself and have tried to be better, but I can't seem to do anything about it. I am trying meds, and working on a "get organized" plan. Hopefully I can get enough structure in my life that I can function better.
The thing is I realise that I have had these impulsive traits all my life and this busy mind that never stops and was always thought of as a disorganised daydreamer at school who could never focus on homework. I am also known as very energetic, exuberant, free spirited and talkative, as well as emotional and over sensitive. I have always had trouble with work, although my intelligence and contibution to the workforce in other ways has always meant i have never been sacked from a job, although I make careless mistakes and find and can't follow strict guidelines and occasionally overstep the mark.
I can relate to all of that. At least you list some great qualities in there! The jobs I have had until recently were pretty simple and so I didn't have trouble doing them. However, I used to handle all the purchasing/invoicing for my husband's business and he "fired" me because I made careless mistakes ALL the time. I also have a job where I have to completely self-regulate and it is TOUGH.
I'm sorry this is such a stream of conciousness but I am just writing as I think and am very anxious and low at the moment. My tutor thinks I may have ADHD as well as depression. Can anyone relate to my ramble?!!!!!
Don't be sorry! You should see some of MY posts!! LOL!! I can completely relate. Let's just say I have been wondering for my whole life why I couldn't get my act together and just recently found the answer: ADHD. I am 33. The GOOD news is now that you know what is likely behind all this, you can go get evaluated! If it IS ADHD, there are meds you can try and may help. I wonder if you got diagnosed as ADHD your workplace could cut you some slack while you try meds? Like I said, this isn't your fault. You are not a rotten person or a bad employee. We ADHDers just can't seem to regulate our behavior and don't know when we are crossing a line. This has resulted in me choosing to be quiet unless I know someone very well. I am too afraid of sticking my foot in my mouth. I have always been socially awkward. I thought I was shy, but I am not really.....just not sure what to say/do in certain situations. It can be dangerous to let me try and MAKE conversation.
And I talk over/interrupt people all the time, or so I am told. I don't know I do it. My husband says I do it to him all the time. I don't even think of myself as a chatty person, but when I feel like talking I start to get odd looks from whoever I am talking with because I ramble on and on.
Hang in there! Go get evaluated and see what happens from there. Just knowing why you act certain ways will help you feel better.
And this board is a great place to get support!
Take care!
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Thanks for your reply. It is nice to have some support. I realise that in the past sometimes my behaviour has been inappropriate at times and I'm wondering how many people I have annoyed in my life. I have completely crashed over this and am feeling severely depressed and agitated at present. When I am like this I go on and on and on and have lost friends in the past. I feel like my whole life has been a disaster and I am really irritating and have spent my whole life treading on people's toes and overstepping the line. By the way, have you been formally diagnosed and are you on meds? YOu sound like a strong person. Hello abitflakey and welcome. Your introductory post was a great reminder for me of the frustration and pain.. [mostly self-inflicted in my case] .. that I suffered trying to get a handle on overcoming depression. [I learned later it wasn't the depression I needed to get a handle on so much as the causes of it.] One of my major problems was being criticaly hard on myself. You see, I also considered myself to be intelligent, keen, very hands on enthusiastic and motivated to the max. I had high expections on myself and would try to opperate my affairs in a manner I would expect a person of my percieved abillities to opperate. Whenever my actions and abillities failed to meet my high standards, like the professor on Felix The Cat, I would turn on the arse kicking machine and kick hell out of my self esteam. I thought this was a natural course of action to take. Here is something that helped me out a great deal. It was written by an alcoholic, but what it says speaks volumes of a problem that plauges people alcoholic or non-alcoholic without discrimination. It is followed by my own keen observations of his statements when I first read the letter 10 years ago, feelings I still hold today. ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------- (A letter written by AA Co-founder Bill Wilson in 1960) (Also on page 308 in the book 'As Bill Sees It) A way out of depression Durring acute depression, avoid trying to set your whole life in order at once. If you take on assignments so heavy that you are sure to fail them at the moment, then you are allowing yourself to be tricked by your unconscious. Thus you will continue to make sure of your failure, and when it comes you will have another alibi for still more retreat into depression. In short, the 'all or nothing' attitude is a most destructive one. It is best to begin with whatever the irreducible minimums of activity are. Then work for an enlargment of these--day by day. Don't be disconcerted by setbacks--just start over. I can relate so well with the point he makes in this letter. I have my bouts with depression from time to time, and even took medication for it. I know today I need more than to have all my little brain cells in a neat little row... especially the little unconscious ones ...I also need to learn to understand myself. This intails developing humility so I can be fair with myself and not become dissapointed if my progress seems slow, and to be honest with myself if my lack of progress is due to dragging my feet to avoid change. I think the "irreducible minimums" he writes about are the realistic goals I set for myself... for without goals, we can make no progress. And if we fall short at times, we can either achieve nothing but more reasons to be depressed, or give ourselves a break and start over. mark ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- Good luck with finding a solution. I am by no means an authority on menal health and psychology, but I've had a great deal of learning by the seat of my pants type training which has resulted in my depression episodes occuring less often and less severe. Self esteam is something we must build, and to use the arse kicking machine as a tool to achieve self esteam is like using a strainer to empty the water from your sinking vessle. marko the kiddThank you Marko, I really appreciate your reply and it's good to know I'm not alone. It's so hard when you think you're doing so well in your job to be told you're not. I got so much self esteem out of thinking that I was doing so well. I really felt good about myself and right now I am a wreck. Have you been formally diagnosed with ADHD and if so, what treatment have you had?Yes I have been formally diagnosed with ADHD. At present I use Adderall XR. I was also formally diagnosed with bi-polar disorder 10 years ago and was treated with a number of medications as well as ECT (Electro-Convulsive-Therapy). Within 6 months of treatment for ADHD beginning in 2001, I was weaned off of the last meds I used for bi-polar - (prozac), and for nearly 6 years now I have used only Adderall XR with very satisfactory results. Learning not to be so critical on myself has been a key factor for me in eliminating probably the main catylist of my depression... self-inflicted low self esteem. I'm still a smart guy, but not so smart I don't need to learn anymore. I continue planting the seeds of what others have learned. I hope one day I'll learn to overcome the notion that at 51 years old the best years of my life are past, for notions of that sort tend to steal away hopes and dreams of harvesting anything but misery.
marko the kidd
Wow, you do sound smart - and very strong. I doubt the best years of your life are past. In fact, it sounds like your life really began in 2001. My regrets is that I've spent the best years of my life an emotional wreck with low self esteem, who has just driven people mad with it all. That is the greatest waste of a life. My friends all tell me they love me and what my good qualities are but at present just feel like my bad qualities outweigh the good. I've never been suicidal but I've wished I didn't exist. There is a difference. You sound like you're getting on fine. Surely, having known the pain of depression and low self esteem, you really appreciate the freedom from it? It's the up bit of being depressive - the good times are really good. I guess the good things to come out of depression for me are that people open up to me all the time and feel better as a result hence why I'm training in mental health nursing. Still, seems like I have no ward etiquette. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. Hierarchies are soooo stuffy. However, I have been too overenthusiastic and disrupted meetings with questions and ideas and have annoyed senior staff members. Need to know my place obviously. Somehow I think there may be a hidden compliment in all of this and I could use it as a force for good when I become a mental health nurse - if I ever get that far! Doubt I'll be working on a ward when I do. Instead I will probably choose a more counselling role.You see what you just did? You've learned of a key tool in battling your depression, one I use on a daily basis as a recovering alcoholic. As an alcoholic I have learned that nothing will so much insure my sobriety or soundness of mind as intensive work with other alcoholics. You've stepped up my self esteem greatly with your kind observation of my character in the first sentence of your above post, and you've also in doing so you've granted yourself a reprieve from the arse kicking machine and re-enforced your conviction to become a Mental Health Nurse. Now just loose that 'if' and 'doubt'. Not 'if' you become one, its 'when' you become one. You will have more of an edge than you can even imagine right now 'when' you become a nurse, for who is better to understand and help a sufferer of depression than one who has suffered the same pain and learns to rise above it. You'll be a swell nurse, I have no doubt. You've helped me here, thank you nurse abitflakey.... my thats a lovely name... hehehe... NOT!
[QUOTE=abitflakey]Thanks for your reply. It is nice to have some support. I realise that in the past sometimes my behaviour has been inappropriate at times and I'm wondering how many people I have annoyed in my life. I have completely crashed over this and am feeling severely depressed and agitated at present. When I am like this I go on and on and on and have lost friends in the past. I feel like my whole life has been a disaster and I am really irritating and have spent my whole life treading on people's toes and overstepping the line. By the way, have you been formally diagnosed and are you on meds? YOu sound like a strong person.
Sorry so late on the reply. I sprained my ankle last week and have been scrambling to get caught up with work now that I can walk again....
Yes, I have been formally diagnosed. ADHD makes total sense when I look back at my life. My major "symptoms" have been inattentiveness and impulsivity. I never thought of myself as hyperactive, but after talking to my mom about how I was as a kid, I kinda did bounce all over the place.....but I didn't get in trouble in school for it.
I am currently taking Prozac & Wellbutrin. Prozac helps the OCD/Panic and I am trying Wellbutrin for the ADHD. I absolutely love what Wellbutrin has done for me although it is not helping me focus very well. However, it is likely that a stimulant will work better for that than Wellbutrin. I just like that I have 24hr "relief" and it has perked me up significantly. I used to sleep too much - and have my entire life. Suddenly I feel awake during the day! Unmedicated, I have a tough time getting up in the morning and the Wellbutrin made a huge difference there. I am concerned that if I switch to a stimulant I will start having a rough time again (since it will wear off by the end of the day).
I have always been socially awkward - to the point where I usually do not say very much in social situations when I am talking with people I just met. I am always afraid of saying something stupid and seem to lack the ability to make small-talk. Once I get talking, you never know what will come out of my mouth. So many of my close friends have told me that I seemed shy or even stand-offish when they first met me, and they had no idea that I was so funny and unabashed with my opinions. Typically, it takes a long time to get to know me. For whatever reason, I feel like being more social after starting Wellbutrin. The down side is I have said a couple of odd/insensitive things to people....
By far, my worst problem is inattentiveness. I tune in and out all the time. This is another issue with social situations since I will be listening and suddenly either space out or go off a tangent in my mind. Then 5 minutes later I have no idea what the person I am with was talking about. I miss highway exits about half the time and sometimes I'll come back to earth while driving and not know where I am. I HATE that. It takes me a few seconds to reorient myself and frequently I have gone WAY past where I was supposed to. I also forget pretty much everything and lose stuff all the time. My husband would like to strangle me sometimes because I forget entire conversations or remember things incorrectly....
But I can hyperfocus on the most trivial things for HOURS sometimes. A bomb could go off and I would remain fixed on my computer screen reading whatever is the "must know about" topic of the day.
Impulsivity is a problem for me because I tend to get carried away by things and blow off what needs to be done. In an office setting, I am OK - in fact, I am a very good employee - but now I work out of a home office and maintaining that discipline can be HARD. I drive about 1000 miles/week visiting vet hospitals and sometimes I'll see a new store or whatever and want to go there. I just get distracted so easily and with me my impulses are like those of a two-year old. I want it NOW!
I had a nervous breakdown in college. That was how I developed panic disorder. I was a music performance major and when the panic attacks started to happen on stage I started to get terrified of what that meant. The whole thing started because I hated practicing. I was talented and on scholarship and quite honestly I did not need to practice much. I don't say this to brag..... I say it because in college all of my friends would spend hours practicing everything to perfection and I just could not do it. I could not STAND the tediousness of playing something over and over and being so meticulous. I started being unsure whether this "lack of discipline" would hold me back from getting a good job with a major symphony orchestra. The uncertainty ate away at me until I started with the panic attacks.
There is a lot more to the story, but I did recover and move into a new field. I never did feel "right" though and have spent a great deal of time trying to find the true root of my problems. 13 years later I started to feel like I was sabotaging myself again. Because I schedule my own time and no one is here to make sure I do what I am supposed to, I was having a terrible time getting organized with my new job. I started to get depressed, etc (no panic attacks). My husband pushed me to go see a psychiatrist, which I knew was what I needed to do although I really didn't want to go.
I came across a description of ADHD by accident. I was reading "Worry" by Dr Ned Hallowell (because I wondered if maybe the root of my problem was that I worry obsessively). He described someone with ADHD and it was like an epiphany. I went to a doc in April of this year and since then we have been working on finding a combo that will work for me.
I am strong because I hit the bottom and crawled my way back out. I learned a LOT about myself along the way and although I am now left wondering if I would NOT have given up music back then if I/my family/someone had known that I had ADHD and been treated for it. However, back then most doctors saw ADHD as a childhood disorder and hyperactivity was still a crucial component. They also still thought boys were mostly the only ones affected. There is nothing anyone could have done and I am OK with that. I am glad that I went through everything I did because I really did come out a stronger, better person. I am so much more self-aware than other people. I learned a long time ago what was worth getting worked up over and what wasn't.
It is easy for me to fixate on negative things like you do until they spiral downward out of control (Prozac might help you with that!). It is pointless to beat yourself up for things you did years ago. Try and remember that you are trying to get help NOW so you can go to your fullest potential. That said, I know how it is next to impossible NOT to start down that spiral sometimes....
Hang in there. This is just the beginning of the rest of your life. You can make the most of your life and achieve your full potential! Believe me, I am not a multimilionaire or anything even remotely close, but I have managed to have my life fall apart and survive. Now I have a happy balanced life (once I get organized!) that I love. You can do it! I think that a lot of times, we have to hit the bottom before we can make real change. Things have to be dire before we muster the strength to tackle our huge obstacles.
BTW, I told you my posts can be mind-numbingly long! 
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katastrophee39260.8616898148I just wrote you a good reply but it disappeared off my screen! HOw annoying. I was just saying that when I wrote the above post I was in a very bad place, consumed by anxiety and really really negative thoughts about myself, which is how my depression manifests itself. I@ve managed to rein myself back in now and get a bit of perspective and am no longer not eating, chain smoking and desperate for my friends to tell me I'm an ok person (which of course I am). My adhd manifests itself as impulsivity, disorganisation and forgetfulness, mostly but I am also very gregarious socially and my head never stops and I can't control my thoughts and emotions very well, oh, and I make careless mistakes all the time! But I guess that I am fun to be around - at least I'm told but when I get anxious and depressed, I feel like i'm a bit of a nightmare, as I get fixated on my thoughts and just go over and over and over them. I too can focus for hours on something that interests me but not without chewing my thumb compulsively (god, I'm beginning to sound weird)! Anyway, thanks for your story - you sound interesting and I appreciate you taking the time out to reply to my post.