my story | ADHD Information

thank you for sharing

Patty62

yes, thank you for sharing!

 

shelley

Insightful story...thank you for sharing.

I also thank you.

I am sure most of us do not take any where as much care of ourselves as we should.

This is probably one of the key things that I did to "undermine" myself.
And it is a very subtle thing, probably a part of mothering as a whole, but
maybe just somehow exagerated in our cases (moms of ADDs).

When my kids were first diagnosed, back in the 1980's there was very
little literature, in fact I got a pamphlet (black and white) and it was not
really helpful. It was full of the "statistics" about all the dire things that
ADD's get into. It was not encouraging or hopeful-- at best it said things
like "with the proper help these kids can cope" don't know the whole
history of ADD but in that time, my own pediatrition, who was a school
problem specialist, and a good friend, did not really suspect it in my son.
My son was a friend of his own son's and my pediatrition saw my kid
ALOT.

Meanwhile my younger (third) son was getting special reading help b/c at
grade 2, he could still not read. They brought in a specialist ( to whom I
will be forever grateful) and she said she thought Marc had something
called an attention disorder. I remember she gave me a tape about it. I
listened and told my ped-- "Hey I think Dan (number 2 son-- screwing
up royally-- about to be kicked out of school in grade 6) has this" -- and
I gave the tape to my pediatrition. He listened to the tape, and he said
"Patty, I have heard about this-- and I really apologize that I did not
realize that this was Danny's issue-I think your right". My son, it turns
out, really struggled to overcompensate, and often appeared less ADD
then he was -- this great effort often resulted in blowback later.

Then began what would turn out to be a 3 or 4 year struggle to undo and
repair ( to the the extent we could- this I think is still an issue in my son
age 31 CEO of multimilliondollar company he founded- on concerta) the
damage failing as badly as he had to fail to be noticed and helped,
caused.

Simulaneously I had 3 other kids, one who was on the cusp of ADD hood
in grade 2 or 3- one who was undiagnosed and struggling in grade 9,
and a nursery school kid who they were putting "on the discipline matt"
on a daily basis. I told the nursery school "take a number, I'll get to you as
soon as I can".

This as you can see was not pretty. I had of course GUILT. I also had
FEAR. I also had family and their not so helpful "He's fine" -- "Why do only
your kids have this" --- "Could it be lead poisoning"--- on and on type
of comments.

I had Shame, Confusion, Defeat. Probably other feelings mixed in--
reading these boards has brought back so much.

Another layer was my husband, who actually told ME to go for help to a
psychologist b/c it was my mothering that was the problem.

Do not faint. I did what he said- - I was that desperate. It turned out to
be a big blessing in disguise. I got diagnosed, I got a lot of help and
support, and my councilor taught me that I was not only not defective, I
was a virtual wonder with the severe ADD I myself had, and the life I had
lead and the things I had accomplished. This councilor said that
undiagnosed learning problem sufferers that succeed are invariably super
hard workers, and that (I think) is true.

Ritilan helped me, counciling helped me. I got quite a bit of help, but I
always pointed it towards my kids-- how could I help them-- it was
always all about them.

Looking back I should have paid a lot more attention to myself. I have
learned through the years that I am only as strong as I AM. I can't really
do much good when I am depleted and DEFEATED. And some days I have
been, and I have really messed up and paid for it.

If I had it to do over again I would get MUCH MUCH more personal
support. I would start with that. If my book will say anything to mothers it
would say, HELP YOURSELF FIRST. I believe that a strong calm together
mother is the best best thing any kid can have. I think there must be
good dads, but I really know the moms who do this stuff. Take care of
yourself, and it will help your kids.

If you do not have money-- go to AlAnon, it is free, sometimes has
babysitting, and is a great place to learn to take care of yourself.

Those feelings that you are a buffer, that you are at fault, that b/c of
some subtle failure on your part, you need to double pedal as a mother
are all swirling around in your heart and driving the bus of your life.
Those kind of feelings make you overcompensate, drive yourself too
hard, ease up to much on the ADD kids ( I know I did all this, and it was
not good for me or the kids).

I know you are a good mom, and that your girl will make it-- it is all there
in the sentence "she is my daughter and I love her so very very much".
Been there. These kids have wells of strength, intuition, creativity, drive
that will serve them well. They make it, your job is to get "bulletproof"
against all you will deal with on the way.

Start by taking your own complex feelings underconsideration, so you can
get it going in the positive.