Family issues with your child’s ADHD? | ADHD Information

oh goodness,

I can so relate to this topic!!  My mother and I had a fall out 3 1/2 yr ago and have just started speaking again.  My ds has ADHD and was diagnosed in February this year after me fighting for his diagnosis for 10 years.  He is such a handful as you all will relate too.  Two yr ago my ds had apparently seen his gran in the local shopping centre and he was supposed to have said 'evil b*****d Gran to her and kept saying this.  We have talked and she said she will never forgive him for this.  I spoke to my son who after 2 years could not remember any of it. (which is all part and parcel as we know).  However my dd had said to me a while ago my mother had stopped her in the street and acused my husband and I of abusing her and her brother.  When I finally managed to corner her she said she had meant we were mentally abusing them, this was because we wouldn't let them visit while my niece who was a compulsive liar at the time (she has had help now for that).  However the other day she asked our dd about this incident and my dd is nervous at the best of times.  She said to her well we will just forget you said it and start again, yet it makes me so  that she won't let what our ds said to her drop. My dd hasn't adhd but my son has.  Families make it alot harder for some of us when we need support all they do is criticise.  Oh and recently my wonderful (sarcasm) sister told him he didn't have ADHD and he didn't need his meds so he wouldn't take them.  This resulted in him running around to live with my sister cause I had lied about his adhd amongst other things.  I have just got him home after 3 weeks of hell.  I myself am on high dosages of anti-depressants and was told by my dr I wasn't physically or mentally strong enough to deal with him, but I have got him home instead of care as that could take longer and my sister has done alot of damage, right up to taking my ds up to school and accusing my disabled husband of abusing him because he shouts at him and gives him the odd smack when his behaviour is ott.  It has been really  for us both.  I have even thought of moving as far away from my family as possible because I don't think he stands a chance around them.  However, the thing that is stopping me is since I started talking to my niece again she seems to know an awful lot about the condition.  This could have something to do with her friend working with and organisation that helps kids in school with adhd.

But yes it is very difficult when they don't understand.  Or they say oh he is just a naughty child which also makes me .

I have had more support of friends than my family over the last three weeks and don't know how I would have got through them without them.

My philosophy here is:  Just stick to working things out in your own home and family surroundings i.e, wife, husband and kids. No-one else.  If they kick off in public or around family just remove them from the situation as soon as humanly possible.

Good luck to all  you with kids with ADHD.  I know what your going through.

 

Love Helen

xxx

I had many of the same feelings that I read about on the previous posts.
I think there are a lot of issues all wrapped up in the dilemma of
interacting with friends and family. One thing I guess I did not give much
thought to when I was going through it is that this is a factor in every
family. Whether the kid has ADD or not. I think all families struggle with
this. Comments, comparisons, rating kids.

Our families can be a real source of good feelings of belonging and
support and understanding. So when we feel labeled, judged, excluded or
just rejected by them it hurts so much worse then it hurts when a
stranger or some lady in the supermarket gives our kids "the look".

One thing I mentioned in another post to someone is to be careful of your
reaction around the ADD kid. I found with my kids, and also in thinking
back on my own childhood (I am diagnosed also) that ADDs miss out on
EVERYTHING. The best part of this is that they often miss out on unkind
looks, statements, and remarks. I remember a time when a coach was
going up one side and down the other of my son ( a gifted soccer player
who I guessed had cost the team the game). He was only 7 and as I
listened I was feeling the tears stinging in my eyes.

Later I asked him what the coach said -- this coach was German and had
an accent. Dan said "I didn't understand him, I think he singled me out for
a compliment."

Of course this is not a solution, but it is a reminder that your child will
often not process words said unkindly to or about her. ADD kids are
intuitive and go on feelings and they can suck feeling right out of the air,
and will be guided by your reaction. So learn if you can to be still within
yourself. This is like a life's work I know. But it is a life's work that is well
worth doing and will yeild benfits in all kind of areas for years to come.

Baring that, the advice above is great. Limit the visit, I love the advice to
plan the visit in a place your child is more apt to behave.

Do not elicit, respond or react to comments. Put some emotional
insulation around you. Families, if they are not unconditionally
supportive, have no role whatsoever. They can't diagnose your kid, they
can't give your parenting lessons, they can only bring you down. If you
are looking to them for help, you are probably setting yourself up for
pain. ESPECIALLY if they have shown on other occasions they are not
down with the program.

Get your support elsewhere and think of those tricky family visits as a
small bivowac adventure. Rate it from one to ten. Debrief. Note what
worked and put it in your game plan for the next visit. Note what was not
helpful and plan not to do it again unless you try it in controlled
circimstances and it works beforehand.

I had these kind of bad days. I am super sensitive and they killed me. I
made it worse so many ways. By caring too much- by making them more
important then they were, by thinking my kids failures at parties and
events boded something terrible for their future.

At times I had family counciling for one thing or another and that was
helpful and so was Al-Anon, to make me less reactive. I wish I could go
back and do this over because the drama around this issue was so
unimportant. I put myself through a lot of needless pain for nothing. I
probably made it worse on my kids b/c while they may not have picked
up on the aggrivation of others, they always vibed with my moods.

My boys are all grown and successful.They have good social skills, they
have many friends, and they made it. There is not one single thing that
happened at any party or event that made a bit of differenece.I find myself increasingly saddened and frustrated with my family's inability to accept my DD with her ADHD issues.

First of all, she is already tall for her age, her pedi says she's the height of a 9 yr old and she is just barely 7 1/2. So people expect her to act older than her age already (always have) when in reality, because of her ADHD, she acts more like a couple of yrs younger than her true age (more like a 5/6 yr old). Add hyperactivity and fit throwing to that and its just a recipe for disaster when the family comes to visit in the summer. All of my sisters are older and live far away (I'm adopted) and they all have kids of their own, who are fairly well behaved but they have their issues. Yet when my DD acts up they act like she is just so misbehaved, horrible....spoiled even. They make comments about how she could use more 'heavy handed' discipline and generally act like they dont want to be around her. One of my sisters whom I dont get along with (none of us really get along with her, she's older and crotchety lol) doesnt have any kids and cant stand my DD- she has said things to me like no one wants to be around her, its just so cruel.

It breaks my heart. I cannot get them to see it is the ADHD...we are just going  through meds trying to find the right one for her but b/c she just started them in Jan we are only at the beginning of our journey. I am dreading this summer when she wants to go visit her cousins and spend time with the family when they come b/c of the constant comments and irritation I feel from those who are supposed to be closest to me.

How do you deal?

Tina

I went through this with my eldest. 

Some suggestions: Get Russell Barkley's book "Taking Charge of ADHD". Read the Chadd and help4adhd sites. Become an expert on your child's disorder. You may find it helpful to seek out a therapist who has real expertise in ADHD and how to handle it.  After that you let you relatives know that you know what you are doing and are going to stay the course because it is the right thing to do. You let them know you are sorry they do not like how you help your child but that is their problem. Keep your focus on what is best for you child. You might have to let the relatives fall where they may but your primary responsibility is to the child.  You are handling you child and it is your decision becuase you the one responsible. 

It is worth it. My son (grown now) is a wonderful person who I would be proud to know even if he wasn't my son. He is still ADHD though.  Keep plugging and good luck.

Diz

 

 

 

Dizfriz has some good suggestions- the more you know the better.

I find that I avoid family like this, except that's going to be harder now that my sis just had a baby- my kids are going to want to see their baby cousin.  I also take comfort in the fact that my sis is so self-centered and can't imagine anyone else having a valid opinion that she really doesn't even realize she's insulting me when she says stuff like "sure adhd is genetic, but it's the stuff the parents do to the child that makes the disorder develop."   

Can you arrange to have visits happen in places that are more condusive to good behavior for you daughter?  A family picnic at a local playground where the kids can run wild without getting into trouble? 

I feel your pain! Ds and I only see my mother twice a year on our birthdays. She lives 3 hours away and doesn't drive much. So my stepfather brings her. They usually spend abut 5 hours with us. Ds just had his birthday in June. We went to play mini golf and out to Swiss Chalet. I don't medicate ds on weekends or holidays. Also we were in the midst of trying a new med. Ds didn't do well on it. He was moody and very emotional according to his teacher. I didn't find this out until a week ago. What a disaster! Ds went ahead of us at the mini golf. My mom tried to get him to come back. My stepfather was ahead at times also. Swiss Chalet was busy! Ds was quite impatient and bored! My mom kept getting cross with him! My friend said that when they come and celebrate my birthday next time she will take ds and I can go alone.I know what you are saying family functions are nightmares not fun or relaxing.  My side is more understanding however not perfect my nephew would be mean to my  girl and no one will see it so as a solution to your problem do as I do

Leave early or avoid that is what I do have your plan to leave early or excuse and go for it. 

My brother in law on the other side he is the same way that we spoil our girl and she needs discipline and he keeps pointing out the negatives and making snide comments.  I have already told him off once and if it occurs again I told hubby I refuse to go anywhere he is and he cannot take our child without me.  Good luck with this but I find avoidance or leaving early helps keep the sanity.
Honestly, if my family was THIS bad...They would no longer be welcome into my home. And chances are I would avoid them as much as humanly possible.In the past my dad has tried to tell me how to disapline my son ADD/ODD, or he has complained that I'm too hard on him, now don't you just know that if you give them a millimeter they'll take 10 miles!!!!  So I actually shouted at him, and said that he either kept his nose out or he would not see the kids again, then walked out,.. we didn't talk properly for a while after this, but eventually he has got the meassage, and he is not too bad, I still dread him coming down, as he come laiden with sugary sweets, a big no no for Josh, but he's learnig, he actually asked what to get him at easter, and then better still witnessed a major tantrum, so now at least, I think he understands my daily struggles a little better.
Just stick to your guns, if you don't like whats being said, explain as clearly and calmly as you can that she has ADHD, and that is the REASON she behaves in this way, although its not an excuse and you are doing all you can to help her, if the comments contiune  walk out, sometimes they don't realise how upsetting it can be, untill you do something like walk out, or start screaming and shouting.

Good luck, I hope this summer isn't too dreadful for you.
 

I have cut way back on the family functions I attend that fall on the weekends I have my DD.  (i'm a single mom)  My family doesn't understand at all no matter how many times I drill the facts into them.  I walk around sounding like a medical textbook and there reaction is "you can't believe everything the doctor tells you and you can't believe everything you read."  I kid you not!  My mom has come around a little more than the rest but that is because she deals with my daughter on a daily basis and is seeing that she is obviously not growing out of it with time.  But would she ever defend us to the rest of the family?  Yah right!  Whatever they say she automatically agrees with. 

I avoid them when my daughter is around.  It's the only way I can think of to protect her self esteem.  What else can I do!