Behavior creating problems in relationshi | ADHD Information
Yeah that sounds pretty deliberate to me. Even if he did "forget" (my daughter says she forgot everything too), it doesnt make the act any less deliberate. Even if he forgot you telling him not to erase them it was still mean. There has to be consequence and reward for these behaviors. Meaning a day he doesnt conflict over the DVR, maybe he gets and extra half hour or something, but incidents like that involve loss of tv (DVR) time. Maybe you and your wife can discuss a discipline/reward system while he is not home. It has to be both or they just dont care. Just punishing wont do it. So pick your worst behaviors and find ways to praise or reward them when he doesnt do them like the example above, then have set consequences also. Make sure he can achieve the praise or reward, so make it easy to get rewarded. If it's the DVR dont expect him to have no conlicts for a whole week. If you and your wife are on the same page it is going to be whole lot easier!You all were so helpful previously in helping me deal with some behavioral issues displayed by my partner's son. I'm hoping for the same again. He is almost 10 years old and diagnosed with ADHD. He has this really annoying behavior that I have tried to work with, but yesterday sent me over the edge.
He will go right behind you and do the very thing you just told him not to do! The particular incident occured this weekend. On Saturday evening he and I were going over the movies and shows taped from the satellite on the DVR. Unfortunately, because of the way the system had to be hooked up, he and my son (age 12) have to share recording time. Anyway, we were going over it and I noted that my son had many movies recorded. I told my partner's son NOT TO TOUCH anything that my son had recorded. My son then came home Monday (yesterday) from having been away almost 3 weeks to find every single one of his movies erased!
Now, no one else could have done it but my partner's son. And, it wasn't an accident as the movies were protected so he had to go into the system, and delete each movie individually. I blew a gasket! Not only had he deleted all the movies my son had saved, he had to have deleted them after I specifically told him not to touch anything. Fortunately my son didn't beat him to death over it.
I am so angry about his total disregard for what I had told him. And he does it all the time. Then he says, "Oh, I forgot" or thinks "I'm sorry" should make it okay. My partner's responce to this is "I'll talk to him and tell him how wrong he was to do this, especially after you told him not to touch anything." Apparently, somehow that's suppose to take care of it. She doesn't think he needs any other form of consequence for totally disobeying and then destroying someone else's property in the process.
Eventually she and I will get through our disagreement over this. But I have to admit, I'm getting very tired of having to deal with this kind of behavior in her son. He is currently with his father and I admit, at this point in time, I'm not looking forward to him coming home.
As I have said many time my sons are all grown, so this comes from deepmemory cells. But in some ways I think this is helpful. No emotion. I
would have tons if I was in your shoes, but from this vantage point -- I'm
out of that area.
I give you so much credit. I really struggled with a lot of this kind of
thing, and the kids were all mine. It did not end soon, we had something
along this line when the two oldest were in NYC together in their mid
twenties. It stinks.
It is really hard to tell if it is deliberate, just plain carelessness, or a
combination. I think for sure it can happen all three ways. I don't even
know if a kid your partner's sons age knows. Maybe he was going to erase
just one, and then just got carried away, or thought (the young mind) --
If I erase them all maybe he just will forget he even taped them.
Bottom line. It happened, it really doesn't matter why, and it has to be
DEALT with. Like you said, it is really distruction of property. It should in
my opinion be dealt with along lines that will always be followed when
something is destroyed, or ruined-- all this kids life.
I would really avoid the characterizations of the behavior as bad, or any
version of a value judgement. It happened- that's that.
One thing that worked with my kids was asking them to come up with a
just consequence. What would this kid think is fair if it happened to his
taped programs?
Can he work it off? Do some of your son's chores? Can he pay it off? Give
your son some money to rent videos/ games?
No-- I agree sorry is not enough. There has to be a family meeting, talk it
over, iron it out.
You got a lot more miles ahead of you.
GOOD LUCK
THiS TOO SHALL PASS
Can you rent the erased movies at a video store? Maybe a "logical consequence" would be that your stepson needs to pay for renting those erased movies so your son can watch them. If the stepson doesn't get an allowance, he could do extra chores to earn $. Or, maybe your stepson needs to lose DVR privileges for awhile -- he can't tape anything or view anything from the DVR for a certain amount of time.
When my child used to have some impulsivity issues around the TV, I will admit that I used to take the remote into the bathroom with me while I showered (he couldn't use the TV without the remote). That stopped him from watching inappropriate stuff while I showered (nothing horrible, but I don't let him watch violent cartoons).
My partner and I had a long talk the other evening (after I calmed down considerably) and agreed on a way to handle the matter. I had to take my que from my son in that his current position about having lost all his movies is "that's life". That's not to say when the 9 year old returns this weekend that his feelings won't be different. Anyway, my partner's plan is that the two of us sit down together with the 9 year old and confront him about his behavior. No excuses will be accepted. He will be restricted from using his remote for anything other than changing channels. If he does repeat this behavior, he will lose the remote which would mean no TV and no video games. ( I have to let her handle this portion of it because I am still very angry and would probably over do the punishment. My solution is to sell his game systems and video games and make him use the money to buy the movies).
Anyway, since my son was not that bent out of shape I had to let that go. That portion of the offence was against him; not me. The part I am still so upset about is doing something I speciffically told him not to DIRECTLY after I told him not to do it. I ABSOLUTELY cannot get my head around that at all! Her solution is this...When he is told to do or not do something he will then have to repeat it back to us. This way there is no room for him to say "I forgot" "I didn't understand" whatever. If he disobeys, there will be a reprocussion and "I'm sorry" will be unacceptable. I'm willing to give it a try.
Not having my own child who deals with these kinds of issues, I find it very difficult at times to understand the rationale behind some of the things he does. I also hate the fact that he seems to not learn from his mistakes unless the consequences are really severe. We try to provide positive reinforcement for things he does. Complimenting his efforts to do things that are new or he finds difficult. Rewarding behaviors, etc. But he does not seem to make a change in a negative behavior unless the consequences are severe. And I do mean severe. (Not physical punishment) Then, I assure you, the behavior is not repeated.
We feel awful about having to initiate change this way. At least I do. I am usually the one who does the disciplining (he responds better to me) and I will admit, I have a really bad temper. But it seems this is the only way he will cease doing or not doing something. There's got to be a better way!
I am glad to hear that your partner and you talked. First things first. Oneof the best first things and truly the hardest is to get past your own
emotion. I have no emotion so I have this take.
You really love your kid, and are mad for him, but like you say-- he is
chill with it, so that is a great thing-- a great characteristic he has right
now-- and that may not last through puberty- but it is cool. I really
agree with you that the idea of SEVERE consequences is not great. I think
great big consequences often bring up great big resentments-- and a
boomerang effect down the line that is not pretty.
Is this kid getting any counciling? These kind of behaviors have so many
causes, and with him going between two home settings, his behavior can
be reflective of so many many things that could be going on. It might not
really be just about how you are managing him.
That being said you will never know WHY he did that. My own 4 sons did
stuff like that many times. Sometimes doing something while I was telling
them not to . Like they were Mr. Oppisite or something. It is maddening.
My kids are all grown-- A CEO, A Ivy League professor of music, a clincal
social worker, golf course superintendent . Lots of friends, normal, they
did this stuff A LOT. I am not proud of it, nor do I understand it. Don't
take it that much worse then you would if he was 5, their maturity and
judgement lags years behind non-ADD kids.
I remember reading William Manchester's The Last Lion- the life of
Winston Churchill- who was defiantely ADD. When he was 17 he jumped
30 feet off a bridge "to save time"- impulsively during some game. He
nearly killed himself. This is the guy who went on to save Western
Civilization. They actually say in the book when he was asked why he did
it he couldn't explain.
Keep talking, get support, THIS TOO SHALL PASSThanks, Patty. That's helpful. We're both so fearful that his impulsiveness will get him into real trouble at some point. Perhaps even something dangerous to himself or someone else. It's good to know that with the proper support kids with these challenges do make something of themselves. And, I am planning to get in touch with a therapist that he used to see a few years ago. I think she might be helpful in this arena.
Hi kroberts63 again!
I just want to say that I think that both your son and you, with your temper and all, are awesome. If you didn't care about his boy, you wouldn't keep coming back here seeking us parents of adhd'ers advice!
I think that YOU also need counseling, with or maybe without the boy. I think a professional could better help YOU help him.
You mention that you are the disciplinarian because he responds better to you, do you think it is because he is afraid of your temper? I mean no disrespect. I am just responding to what you wrote.
I still think you really care about him and your partner and I really commend you!!!!! Also, my son really responds to guanfacine for help with impulsiveness. Mine is not a mean spirited child, but he is impulsive!
Keep us posted!!
kroberts, I think you have a good plan. Having to repeat what was said is helpful to make sure my child gets it. However, sometimes you can hear in his tone that he's repeating the words now, but the info. will be gone as soon as he says it and won't make it into his long-term memory. For my child, it works best to have eye contact with him when he's having trouble focusing on directions. This sounds basic, but it isn't easy. I'll ask him to look me in the eye, and often he'll look for a fraction of a second and then he'll get distracted and his eyes will wander away. I then calmly say, "Try again. Look me in the eye." We can go through this 10 times before he's able to focus on me. It's hard for me to stay patient, but it's key to success. He's not intentionally paying attention elsewhere and being rude (school has thought that at times). I know it's the ADHD that's causing him to have trouble focusing on me.