Intro/Stooper | ADHD Information

just thought id say hi back atchya

 To this forum. Wow, what a great place! To bad I didn't find such a place when my son was first dx'd a few years ago. Then I would have figured more information out back then, instead of being in the dark about the ADHD illness. Of course, I did read some books about ADHD, but the books did not seem to give much details, and instead, were mostly about how to get rid of the illness; and that was not what I needed. Simply- how to understand our son, relate to him, care for him, and love him at his best and moments of distress. Now, I have found a few books recently that have helped. Yeah! Plus this web site is a huge bonus.

Our son was diagnosed when he was 3 1/2 and turns 8 this next week. The Ritalin and Clonidine he takes supress his appetite quite a bit, so he struggles with weight gain a lot. We try to help him eat as much when he does crave foods and give him lots of nourishments and healthy food when we can. He eats in spurts though- and that is hard.

I was recently dx'd with ADHD. It is a long story, to save this post from being a book, I'll just say- I'm relieved to be dx'd. Something did not seem right from the time I was in lower elementary school, not being able to keep up with the math lessons, but loved the history and writing and flunked every science/math test and would study for hours on end; and feeling like such a failure. This happened all through high school and college, where I eventually quit college. In all of my families eyes- I am a failure and aloof- a waste.

Also, I have an eating disorder/with Bipolar Disorder. Nothing that I like to talk about. They both go hand in hand together as well with ADHD. When I was growing up, if only I had been medicated I would have been a good student, had kept jobs, stable friendships, and had been a nicer person all around. Nope; did not happen like that.

The Ritalin I just started taking I pray and hope helps me out. I have only one support system. It is my sister, who also has the similar dx's as I do. She is compassionate and understanding. The only person on the planet that understands. My DH rides my rear about it all, telling me I use the illness' as excuses for all of the housework not being done, hobbies falling apart, and failing with my parenting. I could go on. He has really put me down. It has made me lose faith in him. Right now our marriage is not doing well. That scares me, and he just ignores the fact. Instead of working on our marriage and family life, he would rather go play with his friends and mess around at night. ARGH! And, he wonders why I get so depressed?

Oh, I didn't mention. Hubby recently lost 70 pounds last spring. I have gained 35 on Abilify- used to wear a size 2; now I wear a size 8; and he considers me 'chubby'- and that I will lose it- just need to hit the gym harder, as he states. That is his way of supporting me. He never compliements me anymore about how I look, etc. It hurts. I feel so fat, and ugly. All of the women he works with just flaunt all over him, and did at a social event last weekend. It made me sick. He thrives for that kind of stuff.

Anyway, I'm so off the subject now. I need to go. Very down. Need to get off this downer phase.

Coffeegirl

Coffeegirl -

So many thoughts about this one. I'm sorry if my reply seems choppy or random. I was diagnosed as an adult as well. I too have that baggage of just not quite getting it right. This is what makes me very thankful that my daughter was diagnosed so early in life. And I completely understand about just trying to relate to my child. Because of my own insecurities about parenting (among other things), I tended to ask for advice from others. Of course, once you tell people you want a little bit of help, sometimes they see this as an open door policy to all kinds of advice. A cup of resentment, anyone? Anyway, everyone kept telling me that all she needed was a good spanking until it was drilled into her. I did this one night and I knew that it didn't feel right. I do get that kids need discipline and I do believe in spanking but I want to train my daughter not break her spirit. It is such a process...

 

And then the whole thing with your husband. It sounds like he is using your "inadequacies" or what he hopes you percieve as inadequacies to boost his own insecurities. A man who is confident in himself and who loves his wife does not need this form of ego massaging. You being a size 2 and him needing to lose 70 lbs (?) sounds like he was the one that was feeling a bit "unpretty" and now he is on top. Unfortunately, it sounds like he has some resentment or perhaps just let it go to his head. Whatever the case, him treating you like that is more telling on him than it is on you. My ex-husband was a lot like this. He felt so insecure about himself and needed to be in control so he verbally abused me. And having ADD, I was such an easy target. It takes a big man to pick such an easy target. Anyway, after getting on medication and doing some counseling I picked myself up enough to say no more. For me, it was divorce. For you, it could be just that you need to get some self-esteem and stand up to the guy. I don't say that harshly; my self-esteem is no where near where it should be. But it seems that self-esteem problems go hand in hand with ADD and eating disorders. And doesn't it also have something to do with control (the eating disorders): feeling like you have no control over the things in your life so you control your eating? I might be reaching.

 

So anyway, I wanted to show my support of your situation and tell you that you are right to feel like your husband is not being supportive and that he is not handling himself the way that he should. The best thing that you can do is ignore him as much as possible and get help for yourself. And what I mean here is that you don't take in his opinions of you right now because you are not finished yet, or at least not where you can be. Take the medicine, get the dosage right and then make some goals for yourself that will help you have an opinion of yourself and your situation that is objective and not his clouded version. If you never have an opinon of your own, then he will always be able to give you his. And again, I don't mean this harshly on you, as if you were some kind of mindless person. I guess that I just want to build you up so that you can rise above his opinion of you and become who you want to be and who you can be without strings holding you down.

 

Greeneyed:  Thank you so much for your sincere and caring post. I completely  got it. Sometimes in life, it takes an out side person, and sometimes even a stranger to point out the obvious to make one get a clue to what is actually going on in ones life. And, even though one can be in submissive counseling, that does not mean they are going to comprehend what is at hand or that they are going to understand the lessons in the sessions that are brought about with the issues going on in their life.

I too, understand about the opening ones mouth about sharing the ADHD issue. It is like opening a can of worms with others when saying- "Any suggestions?" because it causes so many opinions verses advice in parenting or whatever, instead of what one as a parent of a child of ADHD really is searching for. Instead, it is more or less, judgement day sometimes. Maybe I am coming across way too harsh as well, but that is how it is in my life. Sometimes people are just very cruel and not so understanding and harsh on our son, and it is not tolerable for me, but my DH can take the issue better than I can; where I can't stomach all of the voiced views.

Greeneyed, thank you for what you stated about the relationship with your ex. It is very much appreciated that you were so open about that, and it made me think a lot of what you had to say in regards to my situation on all aspects. My self-esteem is very low, and in a sense, I think he gets a ride off of me using him as a way to build my self-esteem off of him, though he wants me to gain better self-esteem, it is a an double swide blinder situation; or whatever you call it?! Damded if you do or don't.  Yes, self-esteem goes hand in hand with eating disorders and ADHD, and Bipolar Disorder as well. They intertwine in both categories equally due to anxiety and self-esteem driven issues. You hit it all right on the tip of the nail!

I have been trying hard the past few days on working at getting an opinion for myself in some things. It doesn't always go over well. I don't care, but he ends up realizing that it is for the best, and then afterwards, deals with it and apologizes and we talk it through. Things will never be perfect but with any given relationship- there is no such thing. It is simply just give and take, and with respect. He needs to learn a little more giving and respecting.  I think come next January- when I leave for a 2 week vacation without him- he will understand what respect is! He has to care for our 2 boys all by himself, and he is always telling me that my 'job' is so easy. LOL  We'll see.

Thank you for your support Greeneyed. It is so much appreciated. I was so happy to see your e-mail when I opened up my inbox today. I have been away for a few days. It made my entire week! :)

Coffeegirl