Hi again Zumba8, I completely understand what you are saying. We have the social troubles as well. But I think it bothers me more than him. If it does, my ds doesn't talk about it.
I would also "talk" to your husband about not being cruel. I think it bothers our children more than we know. I keep an eye on my son's self esteem also. There is so much going on with the bullying these days, I don't want him to sufer down the road.
My son is 10, entering 5th grade. I don't know if he really has a "true" friend. He is friendly with a boy who unfortunately moved to Vermont from Massachusettes, but they talk on the phone all the time and play video games on the computer and call each other to discuss. He has visited once in the past year.
At school, my son just joins in, but there are no playdates or birthday parties. We have also had to go over to school to let teachers/staff know what kids "say" to him and my ds does NOT tell on them, he tells us instead, unfortunately.
I too worry, especially when he starts Middle School next year. We keep him involved on team sports each season, but he can annoy the kids there when the meds have worn off.
Mine too has a good heart, is very intelligent, it is just his ADHD that gets in the way, along with his immaturity. He also is good with younger kids. Mine is just looking for anyone who wants to play with him. I know that ds will be an awesome adult and contributor to society once he gets older!
I wish that so many of us here from these boards lived near each other because I truly feel that there are friends for our children, it is just hard finding them.
Hang in there with the rest of us, and post any concerns. Someone always replies!
Hi, just adding my two cents. As a mom of a 9 yo ADHDer, I have come to realize that I am very critical of my son's behavior, being hyper-vigilant that he doesn't demand to be first or get a special cup or plate or refuse to share something. Other, non-adhd, children do this kind of thing, generally with little or no comment from their parents because the kids work it out, just as most other squabbles in childhood result in a social pecking order. I have come to realize that my excessive intervention is forcing my son to the bottom of the pecking order, other children are realizing that 'something' must be wrong with my son and that he must always give over to them. So I consciously look the other way now, sometimes, when these types of squabbles occur and you know what? They work it out!! The other day I heard my son and his good friend arguing about who gets the good spoils in a video game. My first inclination was to go in and demand that my son let his friend have the first pick, which would have been so wrong, because without my intervention or suggestion, my son said, "Rock, paper, scissors then." So now I let my son be territorial about some things and stress hospitality and generosity of heart about others. I think that this new approach will actually help the kids like him more, because they won't see him as someone who needs mom's guidance in all situations.Hello,
I am new to this board and am going through the topics slowely. I have the same issues with my son. Now 11, he really doesn't have any friends. It breaks my heart when there is a situation where he could be a friend, but he treats them badly. He orders them around, only wants his own way, and doesn't know when to stop when he is teasing. This is on and off meds. He just seems to "annoy" them. I tell him he has to be kind, do things the others want, etc. He just cannot seem to do that. He has friends over, but when asked again, they usually don't want to. He get's along very well with children younger than him who are complient. He helps out in church with the little one's and the teacher said he is the best helper. He wants to read to them, show them things, etc. I try to encourage him when I can, but I cannot seem to get him to act this way with his peers. LIke I said, it breaks my heart. His father told him outright that he had no friends because of his behavior and it upset him. He inisists that he has many friends, but the truth is that he doesn't. I keep praying that he will at least find 1 good friend that he can relate to, but it hasn't happened yet. He has such a good heart, and I want other's to see it.
This is interesting - my dd does this with or without meds- she tends to want something someone else has, as soon as she sees that person going for the item. I have also noticed that she gets mad at ME when I am talking and she interrupts; she swears up and down that I am the one who interrupted her. She can drive me crazy with this if I let her!
I used to think she truly believed she was in the right. I have noticed, however, that since taking her to a therapist, she has done better. I have "caught" her doing the above a couple of times and taken her to the side to explain that what she just did is one of the reasons we are taking her to see "Ms Jeanne." that these behaviors are inappropriate and will not win her many friends if they continue.
This makes me think that maybe it is one of those control techniques these little ADHDrs are privvy to, and that even though the meds are on board, she knows if she can get away with it she is more likely to get a reward.
I know I find it so hard too sort out what can be changed, and what I just need to learn to accept in my child. I tend to lean towards hopes of always changing for the better!
a couple of things to add. My dd tends to only want to do something once some one else does too. I really believe it is beacuse she gets bored SO quickly, but also doesnt think up things to do on her own, so as soon as some one else does something or says something she wants to do. We've worked (for years) on waiting her turn and it has gotten somewhat better (by now she is almost 13 though!).
The other point I want to make my younger daughter (no diagnosis) was a terrible sharer and was famous for taking things away and getting all crazy when some one else used her things. That has GREATLY improved with age (she is now 5). Your children who are 6 are still emotionally around 4 so some of it is "emotional age appropriate". I understand other kids wont care, especially if they play with older kids, but there's not much you can do to hurry maturity. A thought I have (and it worked well for us) is to also have your son play with kids younger. This behavior is more tolerated with younger kids, as they are doing it too. I dolnt mean have him only pay with 4 year olds, but mix it up.
I dont think he can be spoken to this generically, like behaving this way (taking toys back or complaining) will make kids not want to play with you. I am not sure he could grasp the next time he takes back his "toy train" because he wants it, he can apply the lesson about the scooter to it. Does that make any sense?
My overall point is he doesnt have the maturity level of a 6 year old (and even typical 6 has a very WIDE range of maturity).
Severe ADHD, according to the website are children who still have social issues and psychological issues even with medication. Paul always does well with the other children the first few weeks of school and he did have a few friends in last years kindergarten class. I kept their numbers as well. I also try to invite as many as I can so that a few will show. That did backfire on me one year and I had 22 children show up for a bowling party. EXPENSIVE but worth the look of happiness on my childs face.Definatlely worth it!!!!Bethann & BPQW,
I greatly appreciate your replys. It is so good to know it's not just my son. I have also been noticing that I am supersensitive to my son and his negative behaviors. I need to pull back and see if he can handle things himself. That will be hard, because from experience, he annoys those he is with, and is left alone. I'll give it a try.
Also, what you said Bethann, about no parties or playdates, is really something that bothers me. I am going to keep praying for a "friend" to come my son's way for him to relate to.
My son started Middle School last year and did okay. He got suspended 3 times at the end of the year for stealing. The principal told us that he deosn't believe that he has a "behavior" problem, and that he just makes poor choices. He respects his teachers and class. Friend's again is where I worry. He keeps saying he is doing okay with "friends" and such, but I don't see the fruits. I think that he just telling himself that.
Thanks again!!
I want to thank everyone for their imput. In retrospect, I think that I am involved too much in the conflicts that goes on with the other kids. I do want them to work it out but a lot of the times, I see the other parent looking to me to settle the dispute and stop their "perfect" child from being abused. I will try to control myself more often.
My son, if it bothers him the way he is treated, also does not talk about it although I ask him to express his feelings to me and he tries to. I will admit to being very upset that night and telling my DS that if he continued to act that way, he would be very lonely and have noone to play wih. We decided to push back his b-day party this year. His b-day ia 8/31 and if we celebrate on that weekend, labor day, everyone is out of town. We decided to wait for 9/15 so that he can get to know someone of the kids in his class and invite them to his party. Maybe they will recipricate.
I also contacted his school and asked for a 501 plan. WE are meeting the week after school. By the way, my special education teacher friend asked me why we had not applied for social security disability for my son. I was shocked. Turns out, children with severe ADHD can get benefits of about 150.00 a month to help pay for medicine, treatment, etc.
Great idea about the party. If you can also, try to do more of those group invites. Like Halloween parties those kinds of things. People do reciprocate.
Kids do need to work most conflicts out themsleves, but our kids do need some guidance with this.
My son has been in a 504 plan for two years now. I have to say that I am blessed to be in a great school district where the teachers go out of their way to give my son the special attention that he needs. They always have a positive word to say about him, even when they have to tell me something that is a negative. They are very understanding.
I have the same problem with my son's birthday parties. I don't want to admit it, but last year I talked him into taking money instead (he loves money!) because I didn't want him to be disappointed again with maybe one child showing up. He did take the money, but said that he wanted a party this year. I'll just invite as many kids as I can, hoping the odds are a few will come.
What consititutes SEVERE ADHD???
Yesterday, I knew my sons meds wore off but I let him go outside to play with a friend on their bicycles. The other mother and I sat outside talking and the two younger ones played together. The friend who is 7 asked to ride my sons electric scooter. Immediately, my son stated that he was "about" to ride it. I explained that he didn't ask and the boy was a guest and he should let him. He did but the entire time he was telling this child how much longer he had and complaining to me that the scooter would not be as fast when he got on it.
Afterwards, they went inside to get something to drink. Apparently this child and my son both wanted the same red cup. My husband went to take it away from my son and settle it by giving them both different cups. My son ran outside to me after my husband told him not to and was whining ( which I cannot stand) and was doing that fake cry which drives my nuts. My husband was so upset, he told my son to go get ready for bed and that he could not go out to play anymore.
Son went upstairs and yelled and screamed for 2 hours before going to sleep. I am VERY concerned. My son complains to me all the time that he has no one to play with and he wishes he had more friends but when he is in a play situation, he treats the other kids like dirt. How do I get it through his thick skull that if he doesnt treat other people nicely, he will be friendless his whole life?
Does he play well with people when the meds are in his system? If so, maybe he needs a booster dose on days when he'll be with friends later than the time they normally wear off. For my child, I know he can't control the ADHD behaviors that annoy others, and meds are necessary.well, that is a question. Yesterday, he went to a neighbors house to play and noone called to say that there was a problem and the child there asked to play with him. Whenever I ask them, they tell me that he was "fine" there. He also had to play inside though as it was way too hot to go out. He didnt get to run around. I wonder if that made any difference.