Hi,
You didn't say how old your daughter is and also what is her diagnosis? Not being aware of other peoples feelings, facial expressions or other non verbal cues can be a sign of other conditions. Sometimes if you get the correct diagnosis you can get therapy that can help the child recognize and learn these social cues that most children learn naturally. Or, it could be simple ADHD and the immaturity that comes along with it. All this is just my observations.
The "detachment" sounds like immaturity and impulsivity to me. This just comes along with ADHD. As far as thinking about how others feel, you just need to make it part of your daily conversations. Tell her your take on how others feel, like you are narrating a movie. She'll get it. These kids need more pragmatic teaching than other kids. I wouldn't analyze it too much.
Regarding connecting behavior with consequence, this also seems to come slower. Try the 1-2-3 Magic book. It gives you a way to provide consequences that seem to work with ADHD kids. My son's kindergarten teacher noted on his report card that he does not seem to learn from consequences. Well, he's entering third grade now, and he certainly knows now, and even "advises" his younger sister of what could happen if she behaves a certain way. Don't worry! Your child will eventually get this. Just be patient. Oh, and when you look at her, subtract two years off her age. LOL, that's what you are really dealing with.
Your daughter and my son are so similar. He has made tremendous progress which I attribute to the following:
1) Age. Does she understand what "surgery" is or the implications thereof--anesthesia, etc. I do not suggest that she needs to understand significance and risks thereof, but it could explain her ambivalence.
2) Clear explanation of what he just "said" and what mommy "heard". Ask her to retry to explain his thoughts--you can also verbally prompt her with the "nicer" way of expressing her feelings. "A nicer way you could say that is, "I am going to miss you when you have your surgery, but I will be o.k. staying with grandma, grandpa. It will be nice to spend time with them. I will miss you though."
3) Acknowledgement of his feelings--"I understand you are excited to see your grandparents, and it is o.k. to feel this way, but it is not o.k. to tell mommy that you are glad she is having surgery because that is hurtful to me."
4) I try to phrase consequences positive;--i.e. bribery. If she acts positively, then she receives a positive consequence. i.e. "If you brush your teeth, I will read you the story."
5) Not only does spanking not work with these kids (as per our neuropsychologist), neither does the threat of negative consequences ("if you don't brush your teeth, I will not read you the story"). These kids literally have such limited ability controlling their impulses or self-regulating, that spanking or threatening just intimidates them, drives down their self-esteem and teaches them negative behavior.
6) Consistent and firm enforcement of consequences. "I am sorry, I cannot read you the story tonite, you did not brush your teeth. I know you will make a better choice tomorrow and then we can read the story."
AND IF THIS SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF WORK TO RETRAIN YOURSELF TO PHRASE THINGS POSITIVELY, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. It is a continuing effort, with lots of self-monitoring. But when you hear the positive words coming out of your child's mouth and you see improved behavior, your will cry TEARS OF JOY and realize the prize of all YOUR EFFORTS. AND despite your child's improved behavior you WILL RECEIVE CRITICISM FROM OTHERS-- "she should respect authority, she needs to understand there are consequences." And naturally, you will self-doubt.
BUT YOU WILL STAY STRONG AND SAY, "IT IS A MEANS TO AND END, AND IF IT WORKS, THAT IS ALL THAT IS IMPORTANT."
EVERY CHILD IS DIFFERENT, AND SOME CHILDREN NEED MORE ENCOURAGEMENT AND SUPPORT THAN OTHERS.
Also keep in mind, with the anticipated surgery, you are stressed and perhaps less tolerant than normally. She, in turn, is feeling your stress (my ADHD'r always can), so her ability to regulate is naturally diminished thereby. Give yourselves both a break. Best of luck to you.
My DD doesnt seem to be able to ever realize that there are other people around her with feelings and needs/wants. Its all about her, and always has been. Even how she acts. If she says something incredibly hurtful or whatnot I will say to her "why did you say that? You hurt so and so's feelings" and she just seems so detached from the situation emotionally. For example, yesterday she said she was 'so happy' I was having surgery because she wanted to go to her grandparents' house for a month. I said sweetie, no one should be happy that I have to have surgery. She just looked at me so blankly. See, she is just happy she gets to go to her grandparents house, but the whole me being in pain, scared etc doesnt seem to register.she may be doing some of this for the attention. She knows she is getting a reaction out of you by saying mean things. My 5 year old says crazy things, and the more I react, espeically telling her how bad she makes she people feel, she does it more. For her I have found the less talking and short, consistent and to the point discipline works best. If you are mean to your sister you get one warning to be nice, if you are not, you have to go be alone. End of story. She gets one chance. If she is mean again, by the hand to her room, until she is ready to be nice. I also GREATLY praise when she does anything nice or shows concern. Most kids worlds revolve around themsleves.
Part of this may also be her own fear and anxiety of what you are going through. Children dont always know how to verbalize. Plus the whole disruption of staying at her grandparents and different routine may be casuing her anxiety. Does she go to any kind of therapy?
I think much of it is impulsivity. They just say what pops into their heads, not even realizing it could be hurtful to someone else. I mean, how many times do things pop into our minds, as adults, that we would never say allowed- and not even nessecarily because we beleive it- sometimes crazy stuff just pops in there!
You don't say how old she is, but keep in mind that kids are very egocentric, and ADHD kids are also immature- this means that it will take even longer for them to understand when and how to censor themselves.
What I always say about spanking is that the kids who really act like they need a good swat on the backside never respond to it and the other kids don't really seem to need on in the first place, so why bother?
Best of luck to you and your son!Yes absolutely, and I wouldn't say the 16 year old is much better. Sometimes I wonder too, how much registers in his mind about how others might feel. I hope he thinks about things after he's said or done something negative impulsively. To be honest I'm not sure but sometimes he seems to try to make up for things by being helpful. He also likes to get even with me in particular after being consequenced. He also likes to blame others for his actions if I'll listen, but I leave and say think about what you did.
Spanking never helped but gave him even more reason to become angry with others instead of looking at what he did.
Its tough I know. I often worry about what he's thinking, or worrying about, but because he's not a good communicator and male its hard to know what makes him tick. It would be nice for them to say they were wrong once in a while, or I'm sorry and truly mean it. All we can do is model for them and show them that we care for others feelings. Overall my extremely bubusy ADHD young man is turning out well and will hopefully move out to go to college in another year of high school. Yippee and I'm keeping my fingers crossed.