Adoption, ADHD Or just being kids? | ADHD Information

Anyone who can relate please respond. Long story short - adopted 2 siblings 5 & 7 this year - transition is going well. DS may be AHD on meds (tenex) - DD no dx.

I have noticed when both my kids are in a new situation they get very clingy to me - specifically. (i.e. went bowling Sunday afternoon and I don't think they had really ever been before - every frame, every throw by me or them they would come running up to me, kissing me over and over again and holding onto me) If I was just sitting there - one or both would come up to me sit on my lap and be overly affectionate. It got to be real annoying. I know that sounds harsh but it seemed so odd.

I have noticed the behavior from time to time when we do something new - is the normal for children this age, adoption (older) or ADHD? I think RAD is out of the question now. I have talked with their therapist about it and they really didn't have it.

I don't know what their experience was before they came to you, but it is normal for kids to feel a little clingy or insecure in a new place, but to cling to you the whole time is a little beyond what you'd expect at this age.  Is it possible they were left alone by adults before you got them? 

It may help to prepare them as much as possible for what's going to happen when they go to a new place and then set limits, like you get to hold my hand and hug me for the 1st 10 minutes and after that it will be time for you to play.  Let them know that you will be close by, within sight, and you will not even go to the bathroom without letting them know first.  My 6yr old daughter (neither adhd or adopted) is very clingy and I've found that setting limits like this is helpful- I've also realized that it's her way of trying to get attention and doesn't stem out of fear or neglect (which may be the case with kids who've been adopted).

They may have a negative memory or were competing for your attention, which siblings often like to do. Setting clear limits is very important as jaderock said. Adopted chidlren are generally very needy anyways because of their history, and require alot more time and patience.  Good luck to you.

I am the mother of two children who were adopted at birth. I have friends who have adopted older children. I think this is probably more of an adoption issue than ADHD. They are almost like toddlers in alot of ways. They are learning so many news things and learning to trust you. I am sure that every time something new or different happens, it's not only a learning experience for them, but sort of a scare 'will this send me back to where i came from?" They will need assurance right now that no matter what they do, you will still love them. They also might need you to gently model appropriate behavior. My youngest (girl, 13) has ADHD and is very affectionate; sometimes when she was little it would seem 'overly'. My oldest (son, 17) has never been needy. I don't think they have required more of my time and patience than any other child or teen. (well, yes now that they are teens, but that isn't an adoption issue! LOL)

Do you know anything about their past?  I am a Social Worker and work for DSS (department of Social Services) and there are many children who need homes it is sad and the history is very important and you have to remember these kids lost mom or dad or both it is hard on them.  I would get them some counseling to help with these issues.  Let me know how things go.

  Oh there is a disorder called attachment disorder however these kids have trouble bonding more.
Jillette39323.7604398148Thanks for the replies - that makes me feel better. I do know that adopted children have some regression issues, transitions issues and other things that aren't seen in other children. They have only been with us 8 months and the progress they have made has been huge.
In a few months my parents will be taking care of the kids for a few days ( In our home) and I am a little concerned there will be some problems but I am talking to the kids everyday about it and they do fine with a babysitter. Fingers crossed. We actually stayed with my parents for 2 weeks this summer so I am hoping all will be good. Fortunately, we will only be gone 2 days.

Thanks again!

some ideas:

1. When the kids go over to the grandmother they will probably do some major testing to see what the rules are and how they will be enforced. Tell the gm to a little firmer than she would normally be and try to follow your rules and enforcement methods. The consistency will help. Also expect some testing when they come back. They have to know if the rules are still the same. Telling doesn't help much, doing does.

2. In all cases when going into a situation/place, do a transition plan. Give them 3-4 rules (not more than 4-three is better) and let them know the consequences if they do not follow the rules and if they do. Get them to repeat them before they go into the new situation. If you need to, show them the time out spot.  You can have them repeat at times to help them focus. Sometimes you need to explain just where you'll are going and what they will experience.  This works fairly well on all kids but especially on ADHD kids. This also gives them some security as they know what is going to be happening.

Good luck and keep plugging. You are asking some good questions.

Dizfriz

Yes, I know what has happened to our kids and their parents - nothing really bad happened to the kids ( i.e. no abuse) - parents were ok but there were drug issues.

They see a therapist and have from the beginning - first weekly, bi-monthly and now monthly. She never thought they had RAD and if they did it was really mild. This is now 8 months later and the major adjustment period is over. This is something new - it is coming from my 7 year old son more than his 5 year old sister. He is the one dx with ADHD so that is why I asked about the connection to age, adoption or ADHD.

I expect changes in their behavior for the next few years in relation to the adoption. I do think my son was very angry about the WHOLE thing and now is happy to be in a normal family with 2 parents that are there for him.

I have patience and will expect ups and downs but he is such a bright kid and I see the great potential in him.

BTW: just signed him up for cub scouts

My 17 year old son was a scout..all the way to Life. It think it's a wonderful thing for a boy to do!

Just as a complete aside, watch out for the people who will blame EVERYTHING that your kids do on adoption. It used to make me crazy when my kids were younger. They would have a normal tantrum and it never failed but some biddy would say 'well, that's because they are adopted' or it must be an attachment issue. YES, there are definitely different aspects of parenting a child who is adopted, but kids just sometimes have tantrums because they are kids! Even my dd's ADHD gets blamed on her being adopted at times. Sure, maybe her birthparents had it and maybe it's hereditary, but adoption itself doesn't cause ADHD.

ok..off my soapbox! LOL

texannie39324.3335532407Bethann - I did adopt them at an older age. I don't mean to sound insensitive but there is clingy and obsessive clingy. Mine where being obsessive about it. I don't think anyone wants to have someone grab both your arms and kiss it 20-30 times every 2 minutes while trying to enjoy a family outing like bowling. And my kids don't have reactive attachment disorder - we see a therapist. My kids stopped after I told them to several times but it was just a weird observation.

I love my kids and hug and kiss them all the time - there have just been some incidences lately that warranted some questions. I am still trying to figure all this stuff out - adoption from foster care, adhd issues, sibling adoption and raising a 5 and 7 year old.

My son is severly adhd. He is not clingy. I try to kiss him, but he will push me away at time.

Their clingyness is not an adhd issue, in my opinion.

I so support you and others like you. Newmom you are so awesome to adopt these children. My heart goes out to you, you have no idea. Never feel or think that anyone is judging you.

You have done so much for these children, maybe more than anyone else and they are grateful.

Again, just a thought.

 

Thanks Bethann!

I know our situation is different than most here.  I really hope I didn't sound insensitive to my children's behavior. Summer just ended and it was my first with kids....I think I am just exhausted. I am so far behind on some of my design jobs, organizing the house and daily chores I am just a little overwhelmed. Also, to top it all off I started the South Beach diet this week and that means no alcohol for 2 weeks........lol

I go on adoption websites and I don't get much help there - These forums are much more informative about behavior than those other sites. I have learned so much here and so much of it has helped my kids. Thank you all for the wonderful advice!!!

newmom, again, you are awesome. There are so many children that need mom's like you!

Just keep doing what you are doing, and with all the worry that ALL us mom's do here on these boards, I am sure you will lose whatever you are trying to with all the worry we do here!!

Just remember how awesome you are, you are my hero!

All you mom and dads that adopt these children that sooooo need you, are awesome! I would love to be a foster parent, but I have a child with issues that bring me here. I don't want it to upset my home so we don't.

I would honestly want to take them all home and not return anyone! I also get too emotionally involved so my heart would break when they return them back to their bio moms - that would just kill me!

You are awesome newmom!

Texannie - sounds like you and me have a lot in common.

I don't take to heart in the notions - "it is because he is adopted "NOR "that his behavior is because of ADHD and he can't help it". I am fighting everyday to teach him that he is in control of himself and he alone is responsible for his actions. Consequences. Yes, some can be related to ADHD, Adoption, and the fact that he is a 7 year old boy. Trifecta BUT I will not give in or ignore behavior that is unacceptable.

I don't want to raise my kids to be victims of their past or dx - yes, the first part of their lives was not the greatest and one may have some mental difficulties but they are healthy, loved, happy and smart - none of that other stuff will keep them down if I have anything to do with it. I know I have my work cut out for me but it will be so worth it when they grow up to be mature, capable adults who can do anything they set their minds to.

Off my soap box now....lol

How old were the children when you adopted them? I would think that those children adopted at birth would not have the attachment issues that those who were not.

From reading the posts, it sounds like newmom adopted her children at an older age than texannie, who adopted at birth.

I would certainly understand any attachment issues at the age of 5 and 7. So what if they are clingy, I guess I love my children clinging to me. Mine are not adopted, but they love their parents. They don't cry, they just hug us and love us.

Adopted children have been through so much turmoil, that they are insecure. They are insecure that today may change tomorrow, I think. Maybe you're children are dealing with the insecurity that you will not be there tomorrow, especially if foster care was involved, or the bio mom left them alone.

Just my opinion.

[QUOTE=newmom]Texannie - sounds like you and me have a lot in common.

[/QUOTE]

 

LOL...yes, it does. And you get what I was trying to say.

New mom: there is RAD and then just attachment glitches.  Also this behavior may be really a control issue.  My adopted kids are so controlling!   They will get my attention and keep it!  Also the Bowling alley is a very stimulating place!  I know it was at least a year before I could take either of my sons to a place like that.  If it was not monopolizing my attention it was eventually hitting or even biting.  One time I carried the littlest one out of a birthday party over my shoulder just bellowing!
I have seen the kissing and hugging and insisting on sitting on my lap.  I think a big part is  that it is all so new and they are up to here with new...  If bowling is important try to take one at a time and work up to a family event.

BTW: it wasn't a hard decision to adopt from foster care - Where we live (the state) there are over 4000 children in foster care ready for adoption. It was a no-brainer decision. I hope more people look into it.

Yes, it is difficult at times to deal with some of the issues but with the improvements they have made - it is all worth it.

On a selfish note - it feels really good when I try something to help my kids and it works - there really isn't a better feeling seeing my kids mature, feel safe, laugh and learn.
It sounds like they are adjusting well so look at the ADHD angle.  I think you are awesome newmom taking children into your home and keeping the siblings together.  I wish you the best Jill

that is one of the most UNselfish things I've ever heard .

I am with you on that one. It is the best feeliong in the world when you do something that helps them or for our kids with more significant struggles, it makes their life a little bit easier!

Newmom I am working on my husband to do the foster care then adoption thing only he is not interested.   Where I live they offer substities to help with cost.  I work on the  other side of the coin in this whole process. Sorry to hear he isn't interested.  Keep trying.

yes, sometimes there are subsidies and other financial help depending how long they were in foster care -  like in-state college is free and medicaid (although we don't use it). Our adoption was free because we adopted siblings - most people don't know that about foster care but if we only adopted one it would have been about 00 - the attorney's fee.

Fostering is hard and I don't think I could take care of a child and then give them up - if you can do that - more power to you. We need more people to do that.

Good luck.
Hey new mom where do you live?  I am in las Vegas... very hot... I am understanding with trying to do anything inside because it is so hot!!!  My latest book find is called Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors  Very helpful... My kids are attached but I see lots of behavior that this book says is based on fear.  They do not run and hide, that would be easier to understand.  They get goofy or clingy and one of them runs around getting into everything!
I have a meeting at school tomorrow to discuss my 5 year olds issues.  I gave a copy of a book called The Connected Child to the teacher.  It explains that children from traumatic backgrounds, even those adopted a birth qualify, become hyper vigilant when anything is different like... starting a new school!!!!  I was hoping to show them that his behavior is fear and not just misbehaving.  Well they are freaking out and now I have to go talk to the director. 
The past 2 1/2 weeks he has had only 3 days that were not very good behavior.  Each day some event set him off and I was wanting to explain some simple ways they could help him.
Oh well... It seems they do not want to know... 
Thanks BL.....lol..no bowling isn't important to us...lol. We just thought it would be something fun to do as a family that wasn't outside....we live in hot climate.

Everyday I see my kids adjusting and becoming more comfortable in this home and new behaviors freak me out at first until I have a chance to mull them over in my head.

All is good now and I think my husband and I will try not so hard to occupy their time every weekend. Just being together is good enough right now and I think it is important.