Maybe there are some of you out there who could help me deal with this.
We have always been the "poor relations" when it comes to my husband's sister. I don't think she does it purposely but whenever we're there she discusses salary, the cost of new things she's just bought like a huge TV, garden equipment, etc. We can't compete with this, but we adults try to ignore it.
The thing is now my kids are starting to feel it and I don't know how to protect them or shield them. My older son today made a comment that their common grandfather was going to give him a carpet. To which his cousin, five years his junior, retorted, well we've got a BIGGER, BETTER carpet. My son kept quiet - he knew he was beaten. I just feel that I would like my kids to have a good relationship with their cousins and this kind of thing could get in the way of that if not dealt with properly.
Conversely I feel kind of sorry for my niece and nephew too. Their mom buys their affection and spends very little time with them. I also don't think that having everything they want is good for them and I don't see the need for ANY kid to have so many toys.
My husband and I are the only ones who can see the problem though. Hubby's parents are the grandparents of the rich two, and blatantly favour them, and the whole side of the family exercises the my little princess theory on the little girl, (the carpet bragger) and I feel desperately sorry for her brother and my sons when they do this.
What do we do to protect the kids and not cause a family rift of note?
You might start with a long talk about people and posessions (of which you have probably had many). You may not have everything you want but you have what you need. There are people that cannot afford food or shelter and some that live in mansions. This does not make some people better than others, but it can make some people not appreciate what they have and make them unhappy trying to amass "things".
Coach your kids to be gracious and how to respond to these types of family comments. Nothing is worse than bragging and not getting a rise out of someone. Work with them to come up with funny or simple replies and practice with them.
"Your (whatever) may be larger (shinier, newer, etc) than mine, but I am very happy that my grandfather (or whoever) gave me this thoughtful gift."
"I am glad you have such nice things, they seem to make you so happy." This may be sarcastic or sincere (it is hard to tell).
I dont really have much advice. Only to say there is no way to change people. They are who they are. You just need to make your children know that money and things dont make people happy and that no matter how much you have there's always some one who has more. Say it front of the family, maybe they'll get it, but I wouldnt hold my breath, people like that generally dont change. You can only raise your children to know better.Have you thought about using comments to engender plain old guilt, like -- I wish we could afford stuff like that. The kids are sad when we have to tell them we don't have enough money to buy those sorts of things. I wish I could give my kids things like that. Some of us just aren't as fortunate as you. I wish we could afford that. Gosh, I wish I could make that much money. Or just go for it and tell them one of your children was crying because their cousin got something he/she would never be able to have because of the cost. Whatever you think will hit the guilt button, do it. You'd be amazed at how well it works. NoTellin39323.6901851852I've got an interesting personal insight into this...
[QUOTE=Dad in Akron] Oftentimes while we are at the funeral parlors, various cousins will get me alone and share with me that they were secretly jealous of my close relationship with our grandparents. It's then that I know who was the "real" rich cousin...me.[/QUOTE]
But the kicker is this - the grandparents in question here make it clear that their favourite grandkids are the kids of their daughter, who is their favourite child. at least the rich two get input from someone, right. But my son rang his grandparents during the school hols and asked them to come and fetch him for the day. They hummed and ha'd and said they'd get back to him - and never did. He waited the whole holiday for them to call him and the call never came - but at 9 years old had the pride to say he wasn't going to call again and beg.
So my kids are losing out on all counts.
Again - you can't change people and their actions - as a parent you have to teach your child to tolerate, cope, learn and react to their surroundings as good human beings. Love of possessions, selfish relatives, and just plain rudeness will always be in our culture - what you do to teach your children that they are loved by you is all that really matters.[QUOTE=vickie] but you have what you need. [/QUOTE]
The truth is that there've been some days over the past few months that we haven't.
Hubby and I both work. I work for myself and I've realised that although my rates have increased and my workflow remains constant the price of living in South Africa escalated beyond our wildest expectations. I also realise that something in our income situation has to change and I've been thinking about it extensively and believe I have a business idea that when I execute it should have fairly rapid results.
I don't want to be rich, I just want to have enough. So wish me luck.
my ex-sister in law was always like that, we would go back home to visit and she would go on and on about her 4000 sq feet house, her 60k suv, she would go on about her husbands business and how much money they have....we would go out and she would make me feel like they were doing me a favor by paying the bill....
my kids have love they may not have an x-box and playstation, they may not be able to drive around in the brand new suv or have the fancy house...but they are kind, loving, caring, kids that would give their shirt off their backs to help another and I think that says more than having the 0 jeans.
and on the other side i am able to attend all of their schol functions, all of their sporting events and I think that is better than me working 90 hours a week :-)
My friend has a son who's a couple years older than mine, and the boys got into a similar situation. Whenever they'd play together my friends boy would tell my son that he had more/ better toys, had this thing or that thing, whatever the subject was the other boy always had one that was bigger and better.
My son would get upset about it and we'd try to brush it off, but eventually I talked to my friend about it (she had noticed too). It turns out that her son was a little jealous of my son. He had a ton of "stuff" that his grandparents bought him, but he also had a single mom and a bum of a dad. And here, my son and I had come into the picture and I had married this boy's godfather (meaning my husband wasn't around him as much because he was busy at home now) and deep down he realized that what my son had was more valuable than all his toys.
If the cousins' mom is buying them stuff to make up for the fact that she's not all that involved in their lives, then it could just be that they're jealous of the relationships they see in your family.
What you are giving your kids is better than material goods. [QUOTE=vickie]You might start with a long talk about people and posessions (of which you have probably had many). You may not have everything you want but you have what you need. There are people that cannot afford food or shelter and some that live in mansions. This does not make some people better than others, but it can make some people not appreciate what they have and make them unhappy trying to amass "things".
Coach your kids to be gracious and how to respond to these types of family comments. Nothing is worse than bragging and not getting a rise out of someone. Work with them to come up with funny or simple replies and practice with them.
"Your (whatever) may be larger (shinier, newer, etc) than mine, but I am very happy that my grandfather (or whoever) gave me this thoughtful gift."
"I am glad you have such nice things, they seem to make you so happy." This may be sarcastic or sincere (it is hard to tell).
I like this approach as well, but (and this may sound mean and even immature - you can tell me if its out of line) After saying, "I glad you have such nice things that make you happy" I might add something to the efftect of, " It may be nice to have things that cost alot, but in our family we prefer to make memories spending time together, laughing, and having fun together" then remind your child of some fun thing you have done like camping, playing games together...whatever you know was special to your child. This may point our to your child that money isn't everything and could even show something to the bragger".
We own a 2 family, so we live in the upstairs apt. I was the bread winner before I decided to stay home, and my husband woks his behind off to provide what we have. We have friends that have more/nicer/bigger things. Once my 5 1/2 yr old DS said he wanted a house like his friends. So I said this, "Honey, we could have a house like that, but I would be gone as almost as much as Daddy, and I wouldn't be home during the daytime anymore. I would sure miss you, and doing the fun stuff we do together." He just looked at me and said, "that wouldn't be good at all". So, I think he got what I was saying.
[/QUOTE] We had this type of problem with my husband's oldest brother and family. He was always e-mailing or calling his parents to tell them how much their vacation to the Bahamas cost, or how much his bonus was, etc. My in-laws, as a consequence, would always compare the things we have or are doing to my brother-in-law, in a way that we knew they were mentally comparing us. For example, we spent a lot of time rehabbing our yard this summer, which we were proud to show them, WITHOUT MENTIONING MONEY. I kid you not, no sooner had we gotten back in the house than my f-i-l says, "Your yard is nice. Doug says their plane tickets will be about ,000 for the family." And if my husband mentions something like,"When I get my bonus (no mention of exact amounts) in the Spring, we're going to put in new counter-tops" it always gets a response about how Doug's bonus is such-and-such big. Finally, my husband had enough of them running down his job and comparing us financially, so he laid it all out for them in an e-mail. He's an assistant VP in his company, makes x amount each year with an additional 50% in bonus, etc. These are not things we normally sit around and talk about because it just seems so juvenile, such one-upmanship. I think that because we don't do that sort of thing, they thought we were just getting by. My m-i-l apologized if they had offended us, and we don't hear about anyone else's money anymore. Finally! BPQW39327.4222569444[QUOTE=BPQW] I think that because we don't do that sort of thing, they thought we were just getting by. Finally! [/QUOTE] To me if they thought you were just getting by and still did it, it makes it even worse. My husband also told his family he was sick of hearing about money, but we still get it. I was brought up not to discuss salary. My hubby's family does discuss it but he doesn't bring it up to them anymore. He found out the pitfalls of discussing it.