Please read.. I've never needed help like this before.
During my freshman year of college many of my friends began taking adderall to help them juggle their demanding school and work schedules. Curiousity got the best of me and of course I tried it too. Natrually I found it amazing I was able concentrate on school work better than I ever have in my life while also being in the best mood I could imagine. However I stil head a good head on my shoulders and knew I shouldn't take it often in fear of addiction.
As the year went on and school got harder I began to take adderall more and more frequently. I'm not perscribed but being a college student adderall is passed around like skittles. Also I doubt I have ADD, I'm just an average student who can do well when I put my mind to it. When the semester ended I finished with a 4.0 which gave me this new found scholastic confidence to sign up for a difficult summer math class.
Since the math class was challenging I took adderall every day. I loved this new found motivation it gave me. I have never been more intelligent or creative in my life, not to mention skinny. I hardly realized until people mentioned to me that I look like skin and bones, and I can't say I dont really love it. Once the math class was over in the middle of the summer i started working at a daycare where i had to get up at 7 am, so natrually i justified taking adderall almost every day to give me energy to go to work. Even after my job ended I some how made it make sense it my head to take adderall to do dumb things like go shopping, or just as a pick me up cause I was in a sad mood.
This brings me to where I am now. Starting my sophomore year of college and needing about 2-3 20 mg xr to get through a day of school. It all just hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday so I told myself i just wouldn't take any at all until i recieve a big homework assignment or test. Well today I lasted until about 2:30 PM when I felt sick to my stomach and really could not do a thing with out it.
I'm seriously at a loss of what to do. I can't live with out it, it helps me do so well in school and I'm sick of being a dissapointment. Also, I'm probably some what eating disorder crazy too, because im absolutely pertrified of gaining weight once I stop taking it. Not to mention the most important fact which is with out it I lay in my bed feeling sick.
I can't tell my parents because they will go insane. I can't tell my friends cause quite frankly I don't really have a best friend I can confide in anymore, which is why i resorted to this. If anyone can help me, or atleast talk to me for support I would appreciate it so much.
You need to go see someone. A psychologist who can help you get over the addiction and eating disorder.
You've made the first step by admitting you're having a problem, please seek professional help.