Not invited to cousin’s party | ADHD Information

Thanks for comments. Yes, I've got Noah enrolled in social skills classes but they haven't started as yet.

Mom2ADHDboy...these boys will never accept Noah, I know what they are like, at one stage they even started bullying Harry because he said Noah could play with the group. But these are H's friends and I guess he wants to keep them.

Wow, if Harry was my kid, I'd be telling him he needs to find a new set of friends. I'm sorry for your sweet boy, I hope (and I'm sure) he'll find a true friend soon.

My son Noah, aged 10 (ADHD) goes to school with his 10yr old cousin. Harry (cousin) has a large group of friends who taunt my son when he attempts to play with them. This upsets Harry as he is torn between supporting his cousin or sticking with his friends. We've tried to help Harry by asking Noah to attempt to make his own friends or just play soccer at lunchtime, and give Harry some space. This has been working so far, although Harry has told his mum that Noah will come up to the group like a big goofy dog and want to play, gets taunted and then goes back to soccer.

Harry's birthday party is this month and he and his sister (6) and he are having a joint party. My sister-in-law revealed to me that Harry doesn't want Noah at his birthday party as he doesn't want his friends rolling their eyes at goofy Noah's antics or watching his friends treat Noah badly. Harry would like to have his special day without the added complication of Noah. Both our families spend a good deal of time with each other and Harry is the only friend Noah has. It would break Noah's heart if he discovered that he wasn't invited. I'm terribly sad and upset about the whole situation but my sister-in-law says that I need to see it from Harry's perspective and that he accommodates Noah enough in his life as it is.

I am too close to this situation to see it clearly and feel heartbroken for Noah. Any advice or insights would be greatfully appreciated.

blood is thicker than water and having a little dorky cousin isnt the end of the world.

in fact perhaps the other boys that dont know how to behaveshould have thier own get togethers on other weekends of the year.

put it in perspective

how would a family feel if it was said i dont want them to come for christmas cause he just gets laughed at.

doesnt sound like the virtues i would teach my child. if anything its a way of singling out this bad bejhavior while thier young.

is this a drop off party or are the other parents coming -

i mean why should those rude boys get an exclusive party - how long will it be that both boys get excluded in the future from other parties

Maybe a compromise would be to do a family birthday party so your ds could celebrate Harry's birthday with him? This way, your ds wouldn't feel badly about not being invited to the friends party.

In an ideal world, Harry would tell his friends what a great guy Noah is and his friends then would accept your ds. However, 10 can be a rough age for boys, and I can see how Harry is stuck in the middle. I'm touched that he's concerned how Noah feels and wants to include him, and frankly I respect that he also cares about losing his friends or looking less in their eyes. It stinks that kids act this way, and I wish they didn't, but it's reality. That's not to say anyone should accept this situation. In small bits and pieces, I hope Noah will get accepted by these kids, but don't expect too much at once.

Does Noah go to social skills classes to help him overcome some of the "goofy antics" (your words, not mine!)? Maybe that would help him fit in better with his peers.

If those kids laugh at your son, they sure aint gonna be around if Harry has any rough patches to go through (hopefully not), ie: NOT TRUE FRIENDS.

Somone else suggested two parties, one for family and one for friends. That's a good idea, but if Harry's mom can't accommodate that financially, what about letting the two of them do something special together like going to a movie or something? Maybe if this happened the laughing boys would see how ugly they're being and what position they're putting Harry in.

Also Harry's mom shouldn't say Harry is making enough allowances for Noah. By way of resolving this you can tell her (and Harry) my story if you want to: My oldest son has mild ADHD, the youngest has Beckwith Weidemann Syndrome, which (briefly) means he's delayed, but it's progressive so he is getting on. Anyway, my oldest son's life involves a LOT of making allowances for his little brother, and he does it without even knowing he's doing it because he LOVES his little brother. No way in heck would he EVER have a party without his brother. We all need to make allowances for others, and this would be a very good life lesson for ALL the kids involved.

I remember your first post over in the ADHD and School issues board. I am glad that your son has decided to play with some other kids, good for your son.

I am torn on how to answer the birthday party thing. I feel that your son should be able to attend and let Harry's "friends" just deal with it. If they were such good friends to the cousin then they would accept him and just ignore the parts they don't like. These kids sound lousy, awful, snobby, real impressed with themselves, etc! What are their parents like?

Is the problem that your son acts younger or that he moved to the school and Harry was already there with these friends? When the new kid arrives it seems that no one wants to play with them. They don't want to add anyone to their alread

I think your son should be invited to the birthday party. I am sure that those "friends" will ask where he is and will then know that they have won, if you know what I mean. Those "friends" don't want your son around, who are they to decide?

I do feel for Harry as he is stuck in the middle. I hope the two boys are friends for life! I also think that your sister in law should side with your son.

I would so furious if this was me and my family dealing with this. I already stopped attending family gatherings and events due to the way my brother treated my son, belive me I know what it is like.

No it isn't a perfect word and family can be worse than strangers, but these are children!

That is my opinion

My son does act younger than he is. He is not aggressive but more 'in your face'. My latest update is that Harry has decided that Noah can come to his birthday party as he feels bad about it and thinks Noah will behave. My son typically does things like hand out lolly bags when it's not his job, or help blow out the candles etc. I've talked to him and he told me that he realises he may cause Harry to lose his friends so he's going to stay right out of Harry's way at school and really try his hardest to behave at the birthday party. Yeah, I think these kids are creeps but Harry says they are the only ones that accept him.

I don't know how to "fix this", but when my daughter was in fourth grade her best friend (not the same it wasnt family) did not invite her to her birthday party. My daughter was still very "goofy" at the time (still can be really) and it was basically the same situation. We were HEARTBROKEN. I say we meaning me even more than her. So I feel for you and your son. For a little insight, the girl is asleep on my daughters bedroom floor right now. They are still best friends and at the time I fnelt I had to let my daughter decide to handle it all the way she chose. Part of it is learing and working through this social stuff themselves. PArt of me wanted her to tell her to stick it in her hat, but my daughter is not that kind of friend.

I know this doesnt really help and is not the same situation as it's not family. Adolescence is so hard socially.

I am so happy for your son and you!! Harry really is a good kid! And your son and him will be friends and family forever.

When you described what your son does, it sounds like he is seeking attention, but annoys the others, who think he is maybe immature, or just weird, as kids think. My son is 10 and does stuff like that thinking the kids will like him!

What helps my ds is guanfacine/tenex. It controls his overstimulation. Have you read any of the threads on it? I also wonder if your ds will be overstimulated that day? Keep a eye out for your son's sake!

Post how the party goes!!

I guess the other thing too is that my sister-in-law doesn't seem to understand fully how devastating it was to hear that Noah would be excluded from his cousin, who is his best friend, birthday party. It would have gutted Noah if he knew that H had been thinking of doing that. My sister-in-law feels that H should have his special day, just once, without having to worry about Noah, his effect on people and bullying by his friends on the day. I know birthday parties are important but in the scheme of things this would have had a huge impact on Noah.

I agree with Bethann. Stay close at hand so you can help him through the day.

to Harry! What a mature kid for doing the right thing.

Diane V39329.1054166667

Thanks Dianne, it's always good to hear of similar stories and know that other parents have experienced the same thing.

And thanks Bethann, I will look up those posts and have a read. The party is on 9th September and will let you know how it goes.

[QUOTE=Gutsy]

That's exactly what I was thinking. I didn't mean a full party--- maybe a backyard BBQ, a trip to the movies, go bowling together, or whatever the boys enjoy. Also, I didn't mean to imply that Harry's mom should host two parties. I think having the small gathering at Noah's house would be fine (or Noah taking his cousin out to lunch, offering to take him to the movies, or whatever).

I replied before reading the whole thread. Great news that Noah's invited to the friends party! Harry sounds like a good kid. Noah is lucky to have him for a cousin and a friend.First of all I think your sister-in-law is being very rude and selfish. She is the adult and the one who should be setting an example for her son on treating others as youd wish to be treated and being a good human being. If the tables were turned and it was her child in your childs situation I bet shed change her tune on how situation should be handled. I would tell her how hurt you and your child is..tell her to put herself in your situation and leave it at that. I wouldnt bring the party up to your son again, if he brings it up change subject. If the cousin continues to taunt him speak with school teacher,consuler or principal. Bullying is unacctable. It doesnt make it ok to where your son has to live with it daily just because it is his cousin. Plan a day with your son and maybe a friend of his at zoo or picnic in park on the day of the birthday party to take his mind off of it.

can I just say wow.

I cannot even phantom the issue. I know my eldest son deals with my youngest son in the same manner but gosh family always comes first in my book. My eldest son has a friend who is partly autistic and I can tell you he is not embarrassed or bothered by this boy and welcomes him to his birthday parties every time. He would stand beside this boy before he would stand beside his friends at school as kids need to learn to not be so mean and accept people even with their differences.. they are taught that enough in schools in many areas.

thanks for all your comments, it helps to keep everything in perspective. Newmom, I know how you feel. My son is also a really kind, empathetic kid who wouldn't hurt a fly - his only crime is his goofiness and being in your face (and nagging!!). He is on medication which helps greatly and I've now booked him into see a behavourial psychologist who will start to give him some social skills training.

My son looked at me the other day and said, "you know mum, if it wasn't for this ADHD I'd be a perfect kid, but I don't think they're going to find a cure in my lifetime". Of course I told him he was already perfect and just some people couldn't see it yet.

Hi,

I have a 9 year old daughter sally, she was dignosed with adhd last year and tic's this year, just reading the repies on not invited to cousin's party, my sister had a bithday party to celabrate her 60th (big age gap), anyway i was asked not to bring sally along she said as it would give me a break but deep down i knew why, it did upset me quite a lot to think i would have to go to another family do again without her, she is never invited to anything i and my other children have not gone as well because it is'nt fair talk about low self esteem,Sally know's she is diffrent, I did go to the 60th party with my other daughter, there were little kid's there as well she wud of loved it, my step daughter came to the rescue and took her out somewhere, Sally is never invited to party's or round to tea, i try to invite people round but there perfer to play with my other daughter.She does get very upset when she relises that she has'nt been invitied to a party, her LSA has to clam her down then the school ring me so i go out a buy her a comic and a few treats (not sweets)and have a girlie night in.She does ask me why she does'nt get invited to partys etc what can i say? fact i try not to.

Sally is also visually impaired and hard hearing.

thanks twodoodles, that was a good post and pretty much summed up how I felt.

EDIT: I missed the update- Way to go Harry for doing the right thing- and way to go Noah for staying in control at the party!!!

This is what I said before I read the update:

Wow Tabby- That is heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your son. I can see this is very hard for Harry too and it sounds like he has made an effort to stand up for your boy but without success. I understand that is VERY hard for a 10 year old boy to go against the mainstream and I can see where Harry is coming from. That said, I can't believe your SIL is condoning excluding your son for the sake of Harry's brat friends, just curious, is Harry your brother's son or your husband's sister's son? If it is your brother's son, what does he say about it? If it is your brother's son I would explain to your brother that you see Harry's point of view but ask if they could also look at this from your boy's perspective before deciding to leave him out.

KidsInSpace39339.4742939815

I read the thread and I have to say that I partly agree with just about everyone in some aspect. It is so true that kids can be rotten to eachother regardless of a special situation (or special need). My dearest friend and I have been in eachothers lives for 22 years now (I'm 34) eachothers bridesmaids, at the hospital for labors, eachothers shrinks......so I consider her family. Her oldest (son) is moderately Autistic. He is 8 now, and the differences between he and is peers are more evident every year as he functions at a 5 yr old level. So he's different....

I would NEVER in my wildest dreams consider NOT inviting him to either of my children's events. Infact, I would be upset if they didn't come. I am glad that Harry ultimately did the right thing for your son's sake.....but I have an issue that this was even an issue! I was an ackward kid (and I was recently diagnosed ADD....*takes bow*) and remember all too well how cruel kids can be. But why is Harry getting all this credit for doing what should have been natural in the first place? Harry does deserve his friends and special day, no doubt. But if your son had a more "accepted" disability (for lack of a better word) would he also have been excluded or would he have been given understanding? That says alot more about his mother's comfort/security about appearances than anything else. If Harry was my kid, I would have told him...."I understand how hard it can be etc etc etc, you can choose your friends but not your family....when you are older these kids probably won't be in your life anymore, but your cousin will be...." That being said there are so many ways to work around this.....it sounds like it all worked out. As much as kids need to learn about disappointments, I know my son handles disappointment regularly including rejection and being left out. Family is supposed to be a comfort zone, KWIM? My son is also a sweet, kind, brillant (of course) boy who can be in your face, goofy as you can get and realizing he is "different". Hugs to you and your son.....and I am happy for you that his cousin values his feelings the way he should.

Just an update on the party which was today. My son put a lot of effort in and behaved really well. I went away for 1 hour of the 3 hour party and in that time he mostly helped his aunt bring out the trays of food and clear up. He's always been that sort of kid. He played well but the other kids tend to leave him out but he coped well with that. all in all, a success. Thanks to the forum mums and dads for all your help and support, it means a lot to me.

Way to go.

I bet you are glad that is over with!!

Any word from the cousin's mother? Just curious!

Oh my goodness, poor sweetie!! It breaks my heart because I have seen kids treat my DD the same way, not letting her play with them or being mean to her because she is a little 'out there' sometimes, even her cousins (who live far away so we havent had your problem come up)...I am glad the party went well but still just reading your post broke my heart for your little guy.

Tina
All I can say is your sister-in-law is WRONG. My son (before we even knew he has ADHD) has been involved with monthly playdates with all types of disabled children. He played baketball with kids with Autism. He has always been involved in an all-inclusive world as I am disabled and his best friends mom and my good friend is in a wheelchair. His school has always taught everyone is the same and there is no bullying tolerated there. He still refers to African Americans as the kid with the brown skin. He has been Taught how to get along with everyone regardless. Now he is 9 and things at school are going to get a little tougher. He will be enrolled in social skills classes to help further him along, but I firmly believe that tolerence needs to be taught and re-arranging things is not the answer. My 2 cents....I feel that everyone who doesn't go through some heartache as a child will have some difficult times as an adult. It is the rough patches, the disappointments and learning how to deal with them that makes us cope with the world and make us stronger and an individual.

I am not trying to be harsh here but how many people had been excluded at one time or another because they were different????? I know I did - there was a huge clique in my school and it caused a lot of problems. I was never accepted although I tried for years to get in it. Whether is was b/c I wasn't rich like them, wasn't pretty or I didn't live in their neighborhood - it really didn't matter. Kids will always be excluded - it is a part of growing up. It does hurt when a family member doesn't want you there - I can't relate to that one - didn't live near any family.

In the meantime I found a great friend who also wasn't accepted and my elementary years turned out to be pretty good after that- because I was accepted for who I was not who I tried to be.

I am having a similar situation with my son (ADHD) not being liked in his school although he is smart, good looking and kind but his goofiness and getting in trouble a lot and he is adopted make him an easy target for ridicule. He wanted to join the cub scouts b/c of this group of boys he wants to be friends with joined. We considered it and decided against it. I don't want him to have to join something just for making the kids, who have already said they don't like him, try to like him. ( I was at the first meeting and those boys were very mean to him and said "what are you doing here?" and then they ignored him or looked at him with mean faces. It was so sad.)

I want him to make friends on his own accord. We decided that if he wants to make friends - we will invite some of the other boys he has mentioned (not in cub scouts)over for a play date. And he is joining a sport to try and make friend out of school.

Kids can be harsh but I remember having one great friend during my childhood and that made all the difference in the world.

Also, my husband said he really didn't make friends until he was much older anyway - 7 is still very young and I really shouldn't worry all that much.

You want your kids to be happy all the time and it is hard to see them in pain but remind them every day they are loved and a great person and all should be ok.
newmom39336.5002083333

newmom, good post. You are right, part of helping our children mature is helping them handle disappointments. Life is neither easy or simple. Everyone is not going to always get along with everyone else and we need to help our kids realize this is ok. As adults there are people we all get along with better than others, there will always be bullies and people who want the world to part for them, our goal as parents is to also help our children learn to cope. Life can be unfair at times, that s all part of it.

I did not feel you were harsh at all.

Hi fig8wife,

have you tried any medications yet? I just know that my son wouldn't make it through the day successfully if he didn't take his medication. He was having a really bad time before we started medication.

It is hard, but we are all going through a lot of the same thing here.

Keep reading and posting, it helps!

My daughter is 5 years old so it isnt the same yet but we do have some things in common where I am stuck also. Me and my husband have been struggling to get a house because I cant get a job because I cant trust anyone to watch her. So we live with my parents and my sister also all in one house! My daughter is adhd and has the same goofy habits at 5. And her cousins do the same thing to her and I just dont know what to do I know that it is something that she is going to have to deal with as she gets older and I know that my neices sometimes have trouble dealing with her also they sometimes need a break and I know they are entitled to it but then we have to deal with our childrens heart break and no matter what we do we are left with that I cant do anything to make them feel better feeling...I know how you feel I am dealing with the same thing and cry about it almost every night maybe we can talk send me a private message or something...

Teresa

I don't think I like your sister in law..

There, I just had to say it.

I'm glad it all went well. I can see how heartbreaking this was.

Will is the same way. Extremely immature for his age and it's so hard to deal with...