I hate myself | ADHD Information
vivster41
You may be showing symptoms of depression. Sometimes depression expresses itself in this way with loss of patience and quick snaps of anger. Sadness is not the only symptom. Depression takes away your coping skills. Illness or stress from other sources can do this too.
Check with your family doctor about this. Antidepressants may be helpful if this seems to be an ongoing problem.
ADHD children are a real challenge to raise. Another suggestion is to find a good children's therapist who has a good working knowledge of ADHD and works with both the parent and child together. It is a very successful format when done well.
Don't hate yourself. This kid did not come out with an owner's manual (they should, you know). There are some special tools needed to help work with ADHD kids and the parents really need as much of this skill set as they can get. Keep plugging and keep in touch with this board. There are some people here who very much care and who can give you some vefy helpful suggestions.
Raising an ADHD child is very challenging. I have seen marriages broken with the strain and I have seen even the parent child bond broken so don't feel too bad if you become overwhelmed at times. You are not alone. How I let mine live till he was 16 was a source of amazement to me but I am glad I did.
Take care and keep plugging. You are not alone.
Dizfriz
Had your son's meds kicked in? Have you read on the boards here about guanfacine/tenex? That helps relax and mellow my son.
My son hyper focuses when playing video games and gets mad if anyone comes in the room. That is usually as the meds are wearing off late afternoon/evening.
If the meds hadn't kicked in yet, then he was being his ADHD self. But I would research the guanfacine/tenex threads on the boards. There are lots of us here with our children taking it and successful!
Lastly, but still very important, you are not a bad mom. We all have "those moments", but we still love them. We wouldn't be hanging around here reading, posting, learning, teaching, etc. if we didn't!
Give him a big hug when he gets home. Tell him you are sorry for losing it and tell him you love him - ALL the time!!!
You are not a horrible person, just a person. Just for your info, completely ignoring the behaivior works alot better than responding to it. So does behaivior modification. There is a book "The Explosive Child" I highly reccommend it. Also I notice you said your son was on the patch which takes a couple of hours to kick in. Have you considered supplementing this with a short acting med for the mornings? Alot of my friends do this and find it very helpful. Mine is a horror after school with homework so we are going to explore supplementing his FocalinXR with a short acting one to get through homework and activities. Just look at this as a learning experience and see what you can do different next time. (if he can't take pills as mine can't, the focalin can be opened and put onto a small spoon of applesauce or in our case ice cream.)
Have you thought about meds. for anger? I know parents hate to add other meds., but when a child is out of control and behavior programs do not work it may be time to speak to the doctor. I know my son was as miserable as the rest of us dealing with his anger and tantrums. It was'nt fair to him or the rest of the family.
I know all about just losing it sometimes dealing with a child that there is no reasoning with. I am lucky that I do not have a temper, but sometimes he could push me to the edge
. I hated leaving him alone with his Father because of how difficult my ds could be. It would be so sad to hear my ds say once the anger was gone or the tantrum was over that everyone hated him and he hated himself and he was stupid
Talk to your doctor and explore options. It has made a world of difference in my sons life.
Take care and hang in there!!
Gail
Hang in there.
Do not feel bad! We have all been there. It is tough raising these kids. Everything is a fight and after awhile you just get tired of the fight and snap. There have been a few times where I have had to take my son to my Mom's or Grandmother's house because I was afraid I might beat the child. It is really beyond tough these days. It seems the older they get the harder it is to understand the behaviour. When they are young you can sort of brush it off as immaturity, but when they are still acting like 2 year olds at 7 it's just really hard to swallow. You think they should know better at tha age, but they really don't. I feel for my son having to put up with me. Sometimes I have little or no patience to deal with him.
Quixote - Enjoy your weekend. You deserve it! My son gets picked up tomorrow too. It will be a VERY welcome break, especially after this horrible week!
Any parent of an ADHD child is amazing. They manipulate and push every boundary wearing us down. My 14 year old says "It's worth a try!" 9 times out of 10 I don't give in but there are sometimes I just can't fight any more. I cannot deal with myson in the mornings without meds. He is horrible and reduces me to tears. So we give him meds before he wakes up - my husband gives him the meds and he goes back to sleep for 1 hour. Then he wakes up human. Same in the afternoon. No quick release and we have huge battles. Sleep was a battle so he also has the smallest something to get him alseep by 9:30pm. We had years of 3 ams and I just couldn't stand it any more. We do not have the patch in Australia so am unaware of how it works. Kicking your child is not great, but either is a child being constantly abusive and defiant. You are a great parent!!!!!!!!!
OK, I think I can stop crying long enough to type. I really needed to hear
all of your stories tonight- thank you. The last few weeks it seems like my
son is coming up with new ways to screw up or infuriate me every day. I
have to write down all of the consequences because I can't keep track. I
am an Explosive Child devotee, and we have been working our "Basket B"
and having great discussions, but lately he renigs on everything he
agreed to. Tuesday night I spanked him when he threw a chair during a
tantrum, and tonight I smacked his leg when he acted up and swung at
me during time out, and I KNOW BETTER. I feel guilty that I am glad that
he has acted up from day one at school, so the teacher could see what he
is like and I wouldn't have to hear how wonderful he is for the first couple
months, before the Dark Side showed itself. I feel guilty about how good I
will feel tomorrow night driving away from his dad's house, and how I will
secretly enjoy his dad's look of exhaustion and stress Sunday night when
he brings him back.
How about we all give ourselves a break. Quick, say three things you are
blessed with:
We have a wonderful teacher this year.
My son's Dad is a good person who tries his best.
I am healthy,employed, and insured.
What are you thankful for?
To anyone who is having horrible evenings after meds wear off, please don't think that it has to be this way! Until recently, every night was awful after around 6 PM, when the stimulant wore off. We didn't want to do a short-acting booster dose b/c my child needed the stimulant to wear off so he could make up the lost calories from the appetite suppression the stimulant caused. BUT guanfacine (brand name Tenex) has made our evenings manageable. DS doesn't have as good ADHD symptom control as when he takes the stimulant, but the guanfacine cuts down on a lot of the hyperactivity and impulsivity. If your nights seem unbearable, maybe talk to your dr. if guanfacine/Tenex is an option for your child.
I agree. It is hard to remain strong, positive and inside we all want to cry. it is so nice to hear others feel the same way. I am told by friends to do this or that or all kids 8 year olds are active, etc. I am tired of it. I want them to have my child for one night, just one night w/o meds and see how different ADHD kids really are.
I felt that if I said my child had anything else (like autism) everyone would be understanding, but no not ADHD. I feel no one understands.
I keep looking for support and a group near Central Valley CA but cannot find one. anyone know of one?
I think that it is fair to say that adhd reaks havok on our families lives. ANd on a daily basis. No, I don't think my son can help his hyperness, and no, it does nothing if we discipline him when his meds are gone. He becomes uncaring and almost cynical towards us. Dizfiz suggested counseling. Our counselor had seen many adhd children in her practice but her child did not have adhd. I think I was almost resentful towards her because SURELY she couldn't understand REALLY.
It is so hard. I am sure I am not alone when I cry myself to sleep. Thanks to everyone. It helps SO much just knowing there are others who feel the same way.
I am still having a hard time letting it all sink in. We have had several med adjustments because my daughter metabolizes fast and the meds wear off. She is extremely hateful towards me and her brother. It really hurts when you know you are doing everything in your power to make things manageable. I have recently been ill and being a single parent with no outside help is hard enough with out ADHD issues. It has been very frustrating for me because I have been so sick I have had to reschedule all of her appointments because I have missed so much work. And then I find out my ex-husband has quit his job and I will no longer get child support. He also threatened to sue for custody because I have my daughter addicted to drugs. He has never been to any of her appointments and has no idea what her issues are. Meanwhile his new wife is pregnant and they are now getting Medicaid, food stamps and welfare while I am busting my butt just to make enough for us to have a roof over our heads. It makes me so mad. I know all of this combined has lead me to have a very negative outlook and I am sure it has affected both my children. I just get so mad when my dd tells me she hates me and wants to live with her dad when I am giving all I have to make her life better. Whoops...I did not mean to vent. I am sorry. I guess we all need to release now and then.
Wonderwoman39331.5738078704So, today is another day. Yesterday DS had forgotten everything from the am. The whole kicking scenario. I still haven't of course. Always, I feel guilty. For the things I say or do. It is great to hear others stories and to know that I am not alone.
None of my friends have adhd kids and don't understand. I agree that noone understands these kids and our lives. It is hard because I feel alone in this matter even though my husband lives it too.
I think about my ds. He really is a great kid and the school year is starting out great.
Three things I am grateful for:
1. My ds health 2. My family 3. this website
You're not alone! Don't hate yourself, please. :( There's no learning curve here; as soon as you think you've got something figured out everything changes. We're going to make mistakes and some might be really ugly. I know a few of mine sure have been -- I can't believe how much yelling and throwing of plates across the kitchen were involved in some of the first few evenings where both my son's meds and mine were wearing off at the same time. And that was just ME.I think the trick is to talk to yourself the way you would ideally to your kids -- tell yourself gently but firmly that behavior was wrong, think of a way to try not to do it in the future, and then move on. Apologize to the child, so they get to see a good example of taking responsibility for your actions (that part's tough, but I swear it is a huge help with the guilt).
My son's only five though so maybe an older child would take more advantage of this. But I've actually found the best way to monitor my temper is to have TWO marble charts up on the wall -- one for me and one for my son. My son knows that I also will get marbles taken away if I yell or throw things. He's only five, but he seems to accept that we both make mistakes in our behavior, and that the charts are to help us learn control. It also helps with the guilt a lot for me; the fact that my son sees I too get marbles taken away somehow makes me feel less awful after he goes to bed at night. I feel like I've paid a penance he can understand without having lost my authority.
ZiSue39332.3845138889
Thanks Dizfriz for the info. Unfortunately I am already on antidepressants. HAHA. I don't lose my temper too often, but when I do I feel guilt for quite a while. The counseling I did helped some and I think that I may need to go again. I just hit bottom this morning and I hate myself when I do it. It is just so very hard sometimes.
I have two other kids, non adhd and they are hard at times, but Brandon is hard every single day. I know that I am not alone when I say sometimes I just want a break from him, somedays I cannot stand him, sometimes I wish he would just disappear, sometimes I wish I could just have one day with him that was good. I wish that I did not have to feel guilt all the time. Guilt over having to medicate him every freaking day, guilt over my negative feelings toward him, guilt over not spending time with him because HE doesn't want to, so I don't push him.
It is just hard as I am sure we all are aware. He is my husband and my hardest problem. Poor kid. I did read about the tenex and will talk to doc about it. SOunds like something that could be good for us.
oh my gosh. I sooo needed to hear this. Last night, my son (meds already warn off) was ADHD hyper along with just being silly and making faces (funny) at us when we tell him to do something and he doens't do it. so my DH took away his dessert and told him to go to bed. I so wanted to just not deal with it all night or anymore lately.
How do you deal with it. Teach them to control it or discipline as you would a normal kid? It is so hard to discipline when I know somethings happen for ADHD kids that they cannot control yetl He was diagnosed in Feb this year so school wise is great on adderal xr but before school and after it take forever to get dressed, homework done, he just wants to bug his brother and act silly.
Thanks Tina,
I think I will try this. outside, last time my DS threw up all over my counter. Yuk what a nightmare. I think it would be easier if he were willing. I also have a cup that help people swallow. I got it online and I think it would work if he were willing. He thinks its a joke and will not even give it a real try.
Wow! I found this sight while searching for help dealing with my DS's ADHD. It's a relief to know there are others that feel the same way I do. I am ashamed to say that I would easily send him away to school if I could. I never understood how parents could send their kids away but now I do! He's not even that terrible. His anger doesn't come out that often, but the sillyness and annoying behavior, constantly, are really hard to deal with all of the time. At 11 he still acts 4 most of the time. I can't even have a normal conversation with him which is really hard. The hardest thing is that he can't swallow pills. He has a really strong gag reflex and will vomit if he tries. The patch doesn't really work for him and it bothers his skin so he takes it off. He is now taking a chewable (Methlyn) which tastes bad and he gags it down after I threaten him for about 20 minutes every morning. I know, I tried positive, bribing, you name it, doesn't work at all. He tried Focalin which worked great but he has a hard time getting it down even with whipped cream or applesauce.
Does anyone know of a liquid that doesn't taste bad?? Also, anyone know a good theripist on Long Island?
Thanks for letting me vent.
Kathy
Adderall can be sprinkled too. My daughter took it sprinkled and didnt complain about the taste.............and she complains about EVERYTHING. Especially taste. He sounds like my daughter, she doesnt really have anger/aggression issues, but is quite immature and gets very silly and annoying when her meds are not working for her especially. Keep working on the pill swallowing, it gives you so many more options.[QUOTE=Diane V]Adderall can be sprinkled too. My daughter took it sprinkled and didnt complain about the taste.............and she complains about EVERYTHING. Especially taste. He sounds like my daughter, she doesnt really have anger/aggression issues, but is quite immature and gets very silly and annoying when her meds are not working for her especially. Keep working on the pill swallowing, it gives you so many more options.[/QUOTE]
My son can't swallow without chewing, even icecream, for some crazy reason. This is problem with sprinkling because the tiny beads of medicine are time released and cannot be chewed. He hated it so much I can't even get him to try it again. I'll have to wait untill he wants something really bad then bribe him. 
My DD is the same way about taking pills. She is almost 8. We found a good suggestion on here which got her started. We'd give her something that is more chewy, like a brownie, and have her take a big bite and then chew until she is ready to swallow. Then, when she was ready, with the food mass on the back of her tongue, I'd have her open up and squash the pill down into the mass of brownie that she was getting ready to swallow. It went down so much easier. With her gag reflex the way it is, her tongue would 'seek out' the pill in foods that weren't chunky- we tried yogurt, pudding, applesauce, ice cream etc. But this worked wonders, its almost like it tricks her mind into thinking all she's doing is swallowing food that has already been chewed up. It has also worked with a cookie but it takes practice.
I know with her gag reflex the way it is she was psyching herself out and making it 1000x's worse than it was...calm reassurance that she will NOT choke on the pill, talking quietly, starting early so she can have a break in between and just trying to stay calm has helped the most.
Now, only a couple of weeks in and she just swallows the pill. It still makes her gag a bit but she is better about controlling the reflex and will get it down without throwing up. She tried Adderall XR and then the patch as well and neither worked for her, now that she is able to take a pill (we are doing Straterra) we have more options ahead and I dont feel so cornered.
Tina
Last night was an all out battle. That is how I feel. How can such a beautiful, little girl turn into the HULK in a matter of seconds? We have been battling over her room for the past few weeks. Because of my illness I have not been able to really enforce or discipline like I should. I ended up spanking her three times last night because of her total lack of respect. She continually talks to me as if I were the most disgusting person on earth. Her psychiatrist says to ignore it because she only wants a reaction. That is so hard to do sometimes. Sometimes I feel as if she hates me. I look at her while she is sleeping and I remember what a bond we shared when she was an infant. What happened? Why did it happen? What did I do? This morning was rocky also. I had to follow her around as she attempted to get ready for school and I popped her every time she was disrespectful. Somehow i have to the picture across. i really hate to resort to physical punishment all the time but nothing else has an affect. She simply does not care and she will tell you that. i have tried 1,2,3 Magic, time outs, and privilege removal. I have thrown away toys that are not picked up. it does not affect her. i wish there was something I could do to make it better. There is no band-aid for this. I know a lot of her anger is due to the fact she is frustrated too. She will comment at times that she is so sorry she is like this and does not want to be bad. It breaks my heart.The times when we are out of control are horrible. Sometimes I feel like the whole family is out of control. Wonderwoman, we are here for you. I had to finally stop swatting ds because it did no good. Now I just kick him. Just kidding. THat was not funny. Find what works for youI really needed to read something like this and am just sitting here crying tonight. My DD really pushes me to the limit some days and becomes out of control...Admittedly I have had a couple of times where I lost control with her and just beat myself up so bitterly over it. I wont go into details and the encounters have been fewer and farther between since she started meds but they do occur.
My issue is with words. I realize they hurt more than fists so I use them when I feel like nothing else will work. Of course no matter what I say, no matter how horrible, it doesnt work either and I end up hating myself all the more for it and feeling like I dont deserve my kids many days.
There is something about when we lose control that means we are still human, not just parents, and it is time we took a break. What makes you a good parent is the remorse over the situation, you dont hit or hurt just because. I just want everyone to know I am so grateful for this place and being able to really connect with everyone here. I feel so alone in this sometimes.
Tina
http://momof2survivor.blogspot.com/
DD- Ashley, 7 1/2 ADHD
DS- Aron, 2 TODDLERitis
Wonferwonam, I am telling you WALK AWAY AND DO NOTHING! I know this sounds outrageous under the circumstances but it really does work. They are just looking for a rise out of you. We put ours in his room and take away 2 "marbles" and let him sit and process. He almost always comes out and does the right thing. The more you respond(and we have spanked) the more if feeds into his little web. It is very hard at first(his dad still hasn't mastered it yet) but there are a few of us who are doing this and it makes a big difference. I also agree that a talk with the doc is in order to see if there is something to make the come down more pleasant. The book "The explosive Child" is fantastic you can get it on Amazon and so is the marble system or something like it. Keep up the good work I know it is hard.
It is amazing how much we all have in commom due to our adhd child. I feel like I have friends on here and I know that I am not alone. We are not alone. Surprisingly, our days can be so different. DS hasn't had very bad days since the kicking incident. I have decided to talk to my doctor and possibly change some of my antidepressants. When I first started taking them I handled DS much better. Now, it is the old me. Thanks to all of you
Hi Rylex, I just wanted to welcome you here.
You will love these boards. We all learn so much from each other's experiences. It is a wealth of knowledge. Your posts are also helping someone else!
Keep posting!!