So, this is super long. I didn’t mean for it to be, but once
I get going it’s hard to stop, haha. First post, obviously, and kind of desperate.
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I just started graduate school two weeks ago and I’m having trouble keeping up with the work. This is embarrassing to admit because I’ve always been told how smart I am. Even though it makes me cringe a bit because of I don’t want to sound like a pompous ass, I recognize that objectively I am an intelligent person. (Please don’t throw rocks at me for saying so.) Also embarrassing is the fact that I’m only taking two classes and I’m having such a rough time.
I’ve always been a decent student. In grade school when things were really easy and I had my grandma and my mom making sure all my work was done every night, I was the best student in my grade (had to make a speech at 6th grade graduation and everything). I always joke that I peaked academically in the 6th grade because it’s true. Granted, I wasn’t perfect. I always made “careless errors” in math and would fill in the wrong answer on multiple choice tests, but that’s everybody, right? Junior high and high school rolled around and I was far from the best academically. But still decent. My notebooks were filled with little pictures and song lyrics instead of notes because classes were so boring. Except for English, I hardly ever participated if I could avoid it. I took up space, basically. Still, I did decently. Finished high school ranked 160th out of 1,099 students (thanks largely to a floor grade of 85 in honors classes…which I hardly deserved to be in for some subjects, but the teachers always liked me and were hesitant to recommend me out of the honors track).
College was more of the same. I took up English because it was close Creative Writing, which I had been pursuing, but I realized along the way that I have no talent. I also don’t have the patience to sit and research things which is kind of important in crafting a believable story. Since English and Creative Writing had similar requirements, and I had already made headway in completing some, I declared an English major and drew more pictures in my notebook and zoned out and took up space. I know you should appreciate classic works of literature, but I rarely found anything interesting that would hold my attention so I Sparknoted (pretend Sparknote is a verb) most of my course material. When there weren’t Sparknotes, Cliff’s Notes, or PinkMonkey summaries available I tried to do the reading, but found the Internet infinitely more interesting. I’d bullsh*t essays as if I had read the books and that worked out relatively well. I figured that all I had to do was finish school, skating by like I always had, and be done with it. All the while I convinced myself I didn’t really care and that was the problem. I’m just lazy and unmotivated, and a classic procrastinator.
I found my English degree and lack of interviewing skills made me unemployable, so I applied to graduate school in a rush. Of course I left getting the recommendations and school transcripts to the last minute because, again, procrastinator. But everything worked out and I got in and started classes. I’m actually interested in this program and feel like I could learn a lot. Before I started classes, I remember saying to someone, “I want this time to be different. I want to actually try.” I want to take notes and take part in discussions and show people that I’m not just a clichéd slacker. But even though I *want* this time to be different, I’m having the same problems. Except now I’m noticing that it’s not that I don’t care, because I do, or that I don’t want to learn the material, because I do, but I can’t help myself from daydreaming in class or falling asleep while reading the textbook or deciding the Internet looks more interesting than the work I have to do. And I’m all kinds of frustrated with myself because it makes me feel stupid, but I know I’m not. There’s no reason this work should be so hard for me.
So, after all that, what should I do with myself? I’ve tried taking the books into the living room (which doesn’t have a computer) but it still took me about 4 hours to complete the last 15 pages of a chapter I had to read. And the thing is, I’m not usually a slow reader. When there’s a book I really like, I can barrel through it really quickly, without falling asleep or my mind wandering off. Gah, and now I’m rambling.
The gist of it is, I think I might have some form of ADD. But I don’t know. I’m trying to get on state health insurance right now because I’m not working and I was thinking of trying to get evaluated. Pretty much, I guess I wanted input from people who know for sure what it’s like to have ADD (or ADHD, I’m not sure which is the proper term, really), to see if the issues I’m having might possibly be ADD related, or if I’m just unmotivated despite wanting to be different.
If you made it through all of the above, you have my appreciationIf you can, try to get on a good health plan before getting evaluated for ADD/ADHD. Otherwise, your ADD/ADHD can be considered a "pre-existing condition" and might increase your premiums. Mine only went up /month when they decided it was a pre-existing condition (even though my plan does not cover my prescriptions or treatment!), but, still... /month.