Just plain defiant | ADHD Information

He is testing you. plain and simple. The more you stand your ground the more the testing will diminish. Don't blow a gasket, stay calm and make him think about his actions and consequences. I even got to having ds write it down what he won't do again and that really helps -
I had one bad say with ds and he had a time out - I went to him to ask him if he thought about it and he told me sometimes he forgets what he is supposed to think about - that is when the writing came in - if it is something bad like lying to us - he has to write it 20 times " I will not lie to mom and dad"
We even came up with rules to live by - 10 of them that we posted on his door, a copy at his school. It really helps to have reminders. My child wants to get better and I am dealing with an older adoption issue - been with us 10 months now and he is 7. So I am correcting a lot of bad behavior that was never corrected.....
Anyway - I also like to talk with him when he is calm and discuss what he can work on and how I can help him with that. He enjoys those daily talks.
Here's one tiny scenario: you and your child are in a pool. He plays with a super soaker (water gun) but before you explain that he doesn't need to squirt ANYONE in the face; if he does this we will go inside and not swim anymore the rest of the day. after about ten minutes he looks at you; his parent and points in right in your face. calmly you say, please don't squirt in the face. he looks right at you and does it anyway. punishement: we went inside, no more pool. but i have to ask WHY? why would he do this knowing that we would go inside.? why? i was told that you shouldn't ask why. i sure do. his response to me asking why? he didn't mean to. bologna i say.

As much as I hate to count, I find it works. I ask my dds to do something, if they don't or start to argue, I start counting and if they have not moved and/or are still arguing by the time I count to 3, I act - time out or take away a privilege and make sure the punishment fits the crime. I act quickly and make sure the expalanation for loss of whatever is expalined simply and clearly - once and in a calm but "I mean business" tone of voice. 

I also try to make sure they get rewarded for doing something when asked without arguing or having to count. The 1,2 3 Magic Book has been helpful. I have even gotten to the point where I just look and start counting by holding my fingers up - and not even saying anything to them. Works well when I am afraid I open my mouth I will scream my fool head off....

I find my dd w adhd age 8 goes through phases with the arguing. I am sure some may be due to me slacking off a bit from time to time.

Dizfriz - I love your response.....I kind of use the same technique. When my ds doesn't listen the first time or follow the instruction he is asked - he get called out for it at school (i.e. color change)  or same when he is home and then he gets mad that he gets in trouble for not following the rules. But I tell him he is in control of himself and he has to make the right choices.

I spoke to him on several occasions on why he won't act the first time he asked to do something - he tells me he doesn't want to, it wasn't fun or he didn't feel like it. I make sure he really doesn't want to NOT that he didn't understand. So to me he made a choice not to listen and follow instructions - I find that to be a good sign and I am not blaming the ADHD on this.

I think sometimes as parents of kids with a dx we automatically assume  all behavior it is b/c of it. Children need disciple and to take responsibility for their actions. Perhaps our kids learn that fact that a little slower than others but we shouldn't allow them to make excuses.

I can't tell you how many times I talk to my kids or remind them about making good choices or good decisions. I want them to be responsible and not blame something or someone for their choices or play victim!

Good for you!
newmom39345.2598842593

newmom

Thanks for the vote of approval. Always makes me feel good. Lodismom mentioned counting. There was actually a study on this (some people will do anything to get a master's thesis done) that showed that counting backwards is more effective than forward.   3.....2.......1.....consequence!

Might be worth a try. Lots of parents have used this and most like it.

Dizfriz

 

 

I'll surely give the 321 a try! anything. thanks for all the advicemy son has adhd and odd and yesterday was a huge make me day :-( but he is better today. I sometimes believe he is doing it for entertainment cause we get so upset and frusturated by it he does it more i think he gets a giggle seeign us ger beside ourselvesI think it is the ADHD; it is easier to say "NO!" automatically, and/or
argue, than it is to think through all of the other options, especially when
they usually involve a change or transition of some sort. Last night my
son threw a fit when I told him what was for dinner, ignored me later
when I told him I had to change it, and melted down when presented with
dinner B, because he was looking forward to dinner A! He will argue
endlessly and pointlessly, yet if I say "You are arguing." in a quiet voice,
he stops immediately. I have no idea why this works, but it does. I also
tried, "Please continue arguing." in the same voice and that shut him right
up, but I am not sure that is a road I want to go down. Thank goodness
Ibuprofen comes in those big bottles of 500.There is probably impulsivity from the ADHD playing a part. My youngest used to do things after being told to stop and when asked why, she would say "because it is fun" or "because I wanted to".

Defiance can stem from ADHD but can also stem from the temperament of the child or a combination of both. When a combination, life can get interesting.

A suggestion: What is seen as defiance is often just the kid's way of seeing just what you will or will not enforce. Words do not mean a lot to these kids, they focus on what you will do. I might suggest that you see it as a learning opportunity. "OK kid, you want to test me, I'll  pass! <with a wicked grin>" Then you put it back on the child. For example you tell him him to put up his toys. He explodes and throws a tantrum and will not pick up the toys. You then respond calmly "OK if you decide not to pick them up you decide for me to do so and they will be up for three days. It is your choice, I don't care which you choose." If he then still does not comply you simply say "OK you have chosen for me to pick them up and you have decided to not have them back for three days. Your choice." If he then does the "I'll do it" routine you respond with "Nope you choose for me to pick them up, you can help if you wish." If he responses "But MOM!" respond "It was your choice, why are you getting upset with me?"  Today is Tuesday, you can have them back Friday". Every time he asks you then simply respond that it was his choice.

This is a simplified scenario but the technique usually works well.  By the way there are no second chances..you are just setting yourself up for more tests.

Always put it back on the child. If you try to make him mind, you are taking the responsibility for his behaviors.  Make him responsible for his behaviors, not you.

This is hard to do but have found it to be quite successful. Why fight.

Raising ADHD children is many things but boring is not among them.

Dizfriz

 

My ds is just plain defiant. He's a control fanatic. I can ask him nicely to please stop and as soon as i turn my back he does it again. this happened all last year in school also. his grades didn't suffer though; which is good. does the defiance come from his add? or is this just being a nine year old boy? it's really really bad. Some kids with AHD are a bit defiant, I know my DD is at times. Sometimes it is just the ADHD, sometimes something more.