Closing a Conversation | ADHD Information

 

Ever notice how some folks are able to carry on a conversation with you and then, in a seemless and natural sort of way, bring it to closure?   I don't count myself in this group of people!  As much as I want to be that way, my skills at closing a conversation are abysmal!  Even when I sense that it's time to end the discussion, I somehow lack the capacity to come up with that nice, tidy summary observation or conclusion that signals "it's been pleasant chatting with you, now I'll be on my way".

Instead, I either keep chatting away (often oblivious to the signs given by the other person that they've had enough!) or, conversely, I'm the one who is bored (and tuning out!) and just can't figure out how to politely cut out of the conversation (sometimes, in desperation, I resort to slowly backing away from the person!).  

I'm curious if others with ADD have the same challenge.... (I suspect it is...maybe it should be added to the DSM criteria for Adult ADHD!) 

Take notice of how these other people are able to casually end a conversation.  There is usually a vocal and physical shift as well as a sentence or two that serves as a "nice, tidy summary or conclusion". 

1. The vocal pitch rises.  It sometimes becomes louder as well.  Oftentimes, this is on phrases like "alright, well, I'd better get going!" or "alright, well, it's getting late", etc.

2. The physicality changes.  The body starts to shift towards the door, they might pick up their bag or briefcase, grab coat, etc.

Usually a non-ADD/ADHD person will pick up on these cues if you exhibit them.  No one wants to be rude and stick around longer than they are wanted.  If all else fails, and I can't find a suitable time to casually end the conversation, I might say "Oh, I have to go.  Let's talk more later."  Or (to quote you) "it's been pleasant chatting with you, now I'll be on my way" works perfectly! Hi John,

That is an interesting question.  Do you consider yourself a good listener?  My husband has ADHD and I find that is one thing he lacks.  I can see that he is mentally on the next thing he wants to say before I am done speaking.  I will even ask him, "Do I bore you, honey?"  Sometimes he will even WALK AWAY when I'm talking.  Not in a mean way -- just in a distracted way.  Now that doesn't speak for my conversational skills, but I swear I don't have that problem with other people, and I love conversations with my friends. 

Anyway, if you are really listening, you will pick up on their cues.  Just like Lynn wrote above, they will start to signal their interest in ending the conversation, and you just need to reciprocate -- "Oh, it IS getting late!  It's been great talking to you."

If I really need to extricate myself from a never-ending conversation, I will always blame myself or my schedule.  This is pretty much exactly what I will say: "I am SO sorry, but I have to get going.  I have really enjoyed talking to you."  I almost always say that I have enjoyed talking with them.  That will smooth over any messy segue.  The truth is, I DO enjoy talking to and listening to many people.  For you, it might not be, but as it gets easier, you might enjoy it more.

If you have to do something like look at your watch (it happens!), apologize and tell the other person the reason.  I will often say, "I'm sorry but I need to check my watch because I have to do XYZ."  The more you practice and notice  how other people do it, the easier it will get. 
I rely on the time thing- whether it true or not.   Most people won't feel slighted by a "Wow, it's getting late- I've got to be going."  Sometimes, if I notice my conversation partner checking his/her watch during our conversation, I'll say "Oh, what time is it?"  That way, they can say "Woah, it's already 7:30" and I can say, "Wow.  It's late.  Should we get going?"  It gives them an "out", if that's what they're looking for.  If that's not what they're looking for, they will usually be more aware of the fact I noticed them checking the time, and since this can be considered rude, don't do it again (unless it really is getting late!)  This also works well on dates, for you single folks.  Especially if your date is checking the "time" by constantly checking his/her cell phone, which I think is in poor taste, especially during the early stages of a relationship :)

 

Well, true to form, I do think of things like that to say (when I'm finished with a conversation, even if the other person isn't) but actually successfully accomplishing it--saying it in a manner that is polite but firm and clear in intention, is usually beyond my ability!  I appreciate the advice and will work on this some more....

Most likey explanation is what Joy2 raises--whether or not I'm being a good listener.  Usually when it's me that wants out of the conversation, I've already stopped listening closely.  My brain's moved on.  So any attempt I make at closure usually comes "out of the blue" and is awkward for that reason. 

I know exactly what you mean also about exchanges with your husband--same goes on with me and my wife!  Classic example:  I'll ask her a question before I head to work in the morning, something like... "Dear, will you be coming home regular time tonite?".  She'll respond that she wants to run a couple errands, stop at the grocery store for x, y, z ....and the library too if it's still open..... "  and my brain has already moved on after her first five words uttered because my brain's received the info it was after (no, she won't be home regular time).   Now, my wife is not one to waste time with endless description--she just gives full, informative answers which I appreciate--but very often tune out after I've extracted what I'm looking for.  I wish I was more patient, and the meds have helped a lot (thank God!) but it still happens--just like you describe Joy2!