what can I do? | ADHD Information

longsally I think you have to do a little bit of both. We cant talk them through avoiding every conflict. Obviously they learn so much more through their own experiences..................BUT...........always a but , it's such a tough call as he doesnt seem able to learn from his actions. What happens at school? Teachers aren't hovering and correcting all behaviors with our kids, so how does he handle himself and does he have any friends at school?

I want to add also that husband informed me today that last night after baseball practice, several of the boys went to play and of course, my son had to have the biggest stick. (sound familiar? the biggest chain, mine is better than yours, etc) anyway, he hit and injured one of the kids and when hubby asked him what he thought he was doing, his response was " I dont know"

Hubby told me that he has had enough. He has instructed me to not interfere anymore and let my son work it out.  If he gets hurt, so be it.  He is tired of this behavior. We dont know where it comes from or why and we have pointed it out to hit 10 million times without any change on his part.  "If he is lonely and hurt, so be it" states hubby.  maybe he will learn.  Any thoughts?

I've always been a big advocate of letting them work it out themselves.  I try to only step in if there's violence (or the threat of it).  Yes, they will get their feeling hurt sometimes, and sometimes they will have no one to play with.  But, when they figure it out on they're own they get to feel as though they accomplished something.  Either way there are natural reinforcers and praise from the parents when they do well.

We can tell our kids till we are blue in the face how to handle situations, but they learn best by actually doing it themselves.  

The other factor involved is that some kids get a kick out of getting a parent involved in the disagreement- and kids he plays with will realize that you'll come and get involved too and that could set him up for getting teased about being a "mama's boy" down the road. 

And don't worry about the "mine is bigger than yours" thing- they all do it to some extent, but I think kids are a lot better about ignoring that type of behavior than adults are.  The other kids might give him looks, but one day some kid will look at him and say "who cares?" and he'll start to get it.  

you know my only thought is it sounds like something my UNDIAGNOSED ADHD husband would say and do.

I find that even though my husband is the one who has it, along with all his brothers and their children, he is still the one who doesn't get it! And is the hardest one on my son You'd think he would understand the most since he went through utter "heck" as a child!

I am more understanding and commpassionate than my husband. It breaks my heart to see these kids go through all this crap when they were born with something they did not ask for.

I would still help your son, he needs it!

I can only say one thing.  If MY son had stood in front of me being that nasty to another child in front of their mother, I would have beaten someone's butt and taught them about respect and sharing and how to treat others.  As it stands, my hubby thinks I am too hard on our son and that I should stand back and let him work it out on his own.  Problem is, he cant and then I am left cleaning up the mess of his emotions for weeks afterwards.

One thing that I've found is that children are much less likely to reject a playmate if the child simply joins in the game rather than asking if he/she can play.  Next time your son wants to play with someone tell him to just go join in and see if the reaction is different.  Sometimes kids won't think to tell someone thay can't play if they're not asked.

I don't know how close you are to the mean boy's family, but I personally will not tolerate any nastiness from anyone directed at my children (or from my children to others).  And, yes, I have corrected other people's children right in front of them- I have yet to have a parent say to me that I shouldn't have.  If it happens again, just look the kid in the eye and tell him "we need to speak to people nicely so that no one's feelings are getting hurt.  We are all here to play together and no one is to be left out."  With my children and my daycare children I take that a step farther if the nastiness continues and tell them that hurting people with words is just the same as hurting them with hands and that if it happens again they will have the same consequences as if they hit someone.

Also, walking away is a very adult thing- I haven't seen a kid yet who could do it consistently.  And, from your son's perspective, why should he have to leave- it was the other kid who did something wrong.  It is a hard situation though.  What would happen, do you think, if you didn't get involved- just let the kids "work it out"? 

I agree with jaderock54.

The child's mother is missing "something" Another mean, nasty, entitled child. Go figure

I will try to be of some help.

I assume you child is 4. At age 4 lectures do not mean a lot. The brain has really not developed to the point where words have much grip on regulating behaviors. You have to work with the child in what is called the "Point of Performance", when something is or is not happening. You observe your child in positive appropriate behaviors and reinforce right then. "You shared your ball with Jimmy...good" "He let you know he didn't like it when you did that and you quit....good job". With inappropriate behaviors do the same..."You took that away from Jimmy, you cannot take it until he puts it down and quits playing with it"...when he gives it back.."You gave it back to him..that's how you treat a friend...you did good." Give lots of positive acknowledgments of good behavior decisions. Remember he doesn't really know what are good or bad decisions and lectures do not change this a lot. React to the behavior when it happens and respond immediately both positively and negatively. Try to keep a ratio of 5 or 10 to one positive over negative. The point is to catch then behaviors when they are happening. With a 4 year old if you wait much past 15 seconds he may lose the connection. The ability to use verbal memory (words) to regulate behavior  doesn't begin to grip until somewhere around age 5 with most kids and this can be delayed quite a bit with ADHD kids. What they use instead is nonverbal working memory...images if you would. If he can get help connecting his behaviors and another child not playing with him then he can use this image to regulate his behaviors and make himself not do something even though he may really want to...the image of the consequence is the regulation device. It is here where you can help him. Help him connect his behaviors with consequences by pointing out what he is doing and the consequences right as he is doing it and correcting it right then ("Yours is good but let him know his is nice also"...."See he liked it when you said his was nice too".)

It is important with this age child to keep in mind that he is pretty much living in the moment...he is reacting to what is happening to him right now. Understanding his behaviors need to be keyed to this. If he wants the other child to know his construction is better he will tell without thought of consequences. With your help he can learn to regulate his behaviors to some degree of success. It can be confusing being 4.

Good luck. Hope this will give you some ideas.

Dizfriz

this is the 7 year old, not the 4 year old.  Yes, we use positive reinforcement when he does things right. We are always telling him how proud we are of him when he does right.  We explain consequences to him and he understands that.  Any thoughts?

Longsally, if I remember you guys were trying to handle all this a few months ago and had a med change and he was better. Was that temporary or have things not really gotten better since then?

 Some things children DO need to just sort of learn by experience. We unfortunately cant teach them everything with words. With a child who has ADHD and is not as mature as his peers it takes even longer. It gets harder because at 4 when these things happen the kids sort of forget becasue they're all learning, and it gets more complicated as they get older. I dont think acting out scenarios will help a whole lot as it's too "planned" and his behaviors are more spontaneous. I still truly believe planned, organized one on one playdates are the best way to help. Like you would do with a 3 year olds playdate. Be right there and like DizFriz says positively reinforce all good behavior and guide and correct inappopriate. I know it's a big pain doing this, but these kids still need guidance. 

Hi Diane,

actually, with the meds, his impulsivity is much improved.  He is doing well in school and making good grades and learning.  We did have son in a social skills class but insurance refused to pay after 3 months and stated that he "maxed" out on benifits. That was the end of that.

     ok, so here is what happenned. Yesterday, we were at the clubhouse of a member of our synagogue. My ds was outside playing and asks another child if he could join in.  The child was quite mean to him.  I was proud of my son.  He told the other child that he could play if he wanted to and that he didnt need to be so mean.  The nasty child would not relent and so I called my ds over and asked him to come inside with me.  He didnt want to and I made him. He was crying over it.  He has never understood the concept of walking away and letting people come to him.

I told him that I was very proud of him for taking up for himself like that but he has to understand that he cannot ask over and over to play. Then noone will ever let him. Later on, he asked the child again to play and the child was again quite nasty to him.  I was upset because the mother was there and did not correct her child.  When my son reminded nasty buy that he stated earlier they could play later and take turns, the child looked at mine, in front of his mother and stated very nastily " that was your mothers idea, not mine".  At that time, I decided it was time to leave.  As we were leaving, btw, my son started to play kickball with his brother and another younger child. The nasty boy then decided he would play ball and tried to wrestle it away from my younger son.  I told him to get off, he was only 4 and you DO NOT play that way with a younger smaller child.  We left

Today, we went to sunday school and my son started on another child in the class stating that the paper chain he made was longer and nicer etc.   We have had SO many talks to him about that, I am blue in the face.  Of course, when recess time came, the child did not want to play with him.  I lectured my son again about how to have a friend you have to be a friend.  Whenever I ask him why he does things like that, he simply says " I dont know". I have now told him that he is on his own, that if he wants to alienate all the children he comes into contact with, it is his own problem.  I cannot keep lecturing him.  I do not want him to be lonely but he does not learn. What can I do? Please done mention senarios.  We have done that and run through them again and again.