school bullies | ADHD Information

my son is being bullied at school nearly every day. we go into school and speak to the principle and to his teacher but still nothing happens. one of the boys he was playing with pulled away from my son and he pulled off 2 buttons of the boys shirt the deputy phoned and said it was the policy of the school for the offender to bring the shirt and for me to repair it, not a problem and the deputy said they where just fooling around and not to worry about it, a few days later i was picking my son up when his shirt had been torn however the offender had not had to take the shirt home for his mother, iwent in to ask about it and they said they knew nothing about it even though my son had told the teacher on duty. it came to a head the other day when my son actually bit another child not to badly but still he knows that that is wrong, a few days later scratched a girl as he tried to get the ball of her, we went into school to talk about it and i said to his teacher that i thought that he was at the "end of his tether" the teacher agreed however we then had to see the principle about the incidents after a long time the principle said that they would have to "internally" exclude my son. this they did for a day when i went to pick im up he said "I've had the best day in school i have been able to work and best of all nobody has bullied me" I told this to the principle as i thought that it was a very sad state. However a few days later my son was sitting quietly waiting for us when another boy ran up to him and said something to my son apparently he was making rude finger jestures the teacher on duty did nothing so i went in to see the principle and told him all about it, we went in again the next day and i was told that it was sorted and the boys where to keep away from each other, when i asked how long the other child was going to be "internally" excluded for they said oh he has a lot of problems and they didn't think that that was a good way of dealing with the situation. My husband thinks our son should hit the other kids straight away I don't think that that is a good thing and not only that my son would be in trouble all tha time. my son has only just strted being horrid this last term, we have had a death in the family it was my mother and he was very close to her we have also moved house so I am hoping that this is the cause of the problem and it will settle in time but how can i punish my son when the other's don't seem to get punished (I know life is unfair)

he also is way behind in reading and won't try at school at all even though when he comes home he reads much better to me than to the teacher he also does much higher maths problems at home than at school, he seems to think that it is a waste of his time how can i get him to try he is 10yrs old and in grade 5.

Also my son and husband are always at each others throats they argue like cat and dog and this is really making me very unhappy but even though i have spoken to my hubby he says that as my son shows him no respect then how can he respect our son, my hubby also blames me for the way our son is as i over indulge him in some ways i do but not always however i find that if you divert my son instead of being confrontational with him you get better results.

I know i have gone on a bit but right now lots of things are going on and i feel a bit lost on most fronts.

thanks for letting me vent a bit

cheers cathy

Hi cacklingkatie!

Is your son diagnosed with ADHD? If so, is he medicated? It sounds like such a typical day in the life of an adhd'er!

They are the ones who are seen doing anything and everything wrong. The others seem to slide by without being caught or forced to acknowledge that they did anything wrong.

Our kids are always on the receiving end. My son was in trouble a lot before we medicated him. His impulsiveness was his greatest problem. The teacher told me that he didn't even realize what he had done until after he did it and someone said something, it was that impulsive!

We began the end of first grade and got it just right by December of that year when he was in second grade. Since then things have really changed for the better.

I am sure that this is not due to your over indulgence as your husband says so don't go blaming yourself. Keep sticking up for your son!!

BETHANN39362.1297685185In our school system, they have started an "anti-bullying" program which seems to be working well. The program is a combined effort between students, parents, and teachers. They started this program because it was getting out of hand, plus we have school administrators that want bullying to stop.

Like Bethann asked, I'm curious if your son has been diagnosed ADHD yet? I'm sure your are curious (since you're on this web forum), but you didn't state anything in your last post that you have done anything to get him diagnosed or treated.

Not only am I curious, but I'm sure other on this forum are too as to where you are at with your journey as a parent of a child with possible ADHD. Would you feel comfortable providing more information to us?

hi,

like your son my daughter who has adhd, was also bullied and laughed at the things she does and say's unfortuanly sally also has tic's so people stand and stare, At her school they have a system called play pal's where the year 5 puplips wear special tee-shirts and cap's at break time and lunc time and they hang round the playground if someone look's like they need help then they go over and talk to them or if they are geeting bullied then they take them to the teacher. My daughter love's the resopsablitie of being a play pal.

you are doing the best for your son, your husband is wrong .

margaret keep us posted if you can

all the best

daughter sally,age 9 visually imparied , adhd, tic's and ocd.

and amy age 12, dyspraxia,autism,add,hard hearing,learning disablity

Kids at your son's age begin to see that others are different and so those that hasve been bullied by others will often find someone to bully. With ADHD kids others see them as natural targets - the added bonus is that they react!!!! It seems like your son is the target in the playground as well as having the impulsive streak ... they can't lash out when someone is invading their space. I agree with the anti-bullying idea. Is there something he could do at lunch time that would keep him safe eg library, puzzles, games. Has he got a friend to hang out with? Solo kids tend to attract the bullies. How about some counselling on how to react in different situations. Discuss with your son what he could do or say in these negative situations. Role play the situations at home when he is calm.

As for your husband ... your son is the child... he is the adult. He needs to find a common interest with him and be a positve role model. His interactions with his son are a model for his behaviour with other people. Maybe family counselling would be useful. Does your husband understand ADHD?

The question was asked about meds - on going issues can be a sign that these need adjusting. From my experience, the bullying will happen and reactions can still occur when meds are fine. Your son needs to learn other ways of dealing with situations as well. Something to discuss with his doctor. Make sure you keep a log of behaviour etc so that it gives the doctor an idea of what is happening in his world.

You should look up or even call the school district administration on what their policy is on school bullies and teasing. Alot of districts have definite policies about this since all the school shootings. There should be some kind of counceling, intervention with all the students involved to learn not to and how to handle a bully. It is really hard to teach our adhder's how to resist bullying they act on impulse and that targets them because kids like the reaction. If they don't get the reaction they want they move on because it isn't fun anymore. But I would find out the district's policy on this and see if the school is following it and if not I would find out what you can do to get the school to comply.

I feel somewhat grumpy today so I am going to address the issue of your husband and be somewhat blunt. It sounds like you have two kids at your house, your husband and your son. Children do tit for tat, adults don't. Telling your son to hit as soon as provoked is rather childish. The comment that your son shows him no respect so he will not show the boy any makes me shake my head in frustration. Adults are supposed to be more mature than a 10 year old. Tit for Tat parenting is something you often see in immature children being parents. It is not good for young parents and is not good in older ones. We show our children respect because they deserve it for being our kids and to model the behaviors we wish them to develop. It sounds like your husband is getting back the behavior he is modeling (social learning at it's best).

It is difficult to deal with an uncooperative parent. I have never found a really successful way of doing this. My biggest headache is people who know they are "right" because all else is wrong and will not be listened to.

On your son. I might suggest getting a good evaluation. It will be important to find where is at with both strengths and weaknesses. It will be very helpful helping guide him toward being a productive, healthy, and reasonably happy adult.

This is your child. You have to the advocate for him. If you do not, then no one else will and he will fall between the cracks. I have seen it happen too many times.

Hang in there. It is hard but is a thing worth doing and can be well worth the struggle. Keep saying to yourself "My child *will* get the help he needs!"

As I said, I am feeling grumpy. If I am too blunt forgive me. Obstructive parents are a bane on my life at times but they can be especially corrosive on the children.

Keep reading and if possible posting here. There are a lot of parents who either have gone through this or are now going through this. They can give a unbelievable amount of support and help, you have but to ask.

Dizfriz

Sorry for the length of this.

We had issues with teasing last year. The school worked closely with us to get it stopped. The special ed teacher saw occurances and was very helpful. This was other ADHD kids (from the pull-out sessions in the resource room) teasing my youngest. There were minor altercations and my daughter drew pictures of the tormentors names on gravestones. The psychiatrist was really good at getting info from her and he kept reassuring her that what the boys were doing was wrong and her reaction was normal but to only draw those pictures some place safe like at home (where we accept all forms of her feelings and coach her on how to express them in an acceptable manner).

In order to get the attention of the new principal and the resistant teacher, I printed out an anti-bullying program that they could refer to if the current school program was inadequate. This put them on notice that we were aware of our rights and they were not doing their job. They immediately sat with all of the kids (not pointing anyone out) and reviewed what was unacceptable behavior in teasing and even the response to teasing (don't hit but get a teacher-so my youngest would not try to resort to violence when teased).

The web site for the school district or the education site for your state will have bullying policies and programs for you to refer to. Make sure you document your son's side of things and your reports to school personnel.

hi there

i'd like to thank all of you for your replies to my son's bullying problems. it really makes a difference knowing that there are other people out there with similar problems.

to answer some of the questions

yes jamie is medicated he started on ritalin but he was having really bad episodes like hearing voices outside his bedroom window and thinking tha someone was waiting to get in and kill all of us, i took him back to see his doctor and he then put us on stratera 40mgs in the morning.

jamie was diagnosed nearly 2 yrs ago and it has taken a while to get him on track it was easier once he started taking his meds he kept saying no and spitting them out, but that's ok now.

as for having 2 kids you are so right and i have told my husband this, infact the other day he told me he didn't think he could cope with the situation for much longer, i said ok go however he stayed and we talked about things and i thought that we had finally got onto the same page but tonight my husband went off again, i will keep trying.I did mention family counselling but my hubby said we didn't need it. again i will keep trying.

when we next go back to see the specialist i will ask about other help out there as we have not been offered anything except the help with a teacher aide in school which seems to be going ok when jamie is willing to work.

on his positive points whenever we go out we are always told how polite he is and what a happy child he is which is great ( they need to at home when he is having an off day ha ha ha) he is also the first to tell you that he loves you the mostest in the world and will willingly give you a hug. I am very proud of my youngest son, just as i am of my other children. I have 2 older children who have no "problems" then another son with dyspraxia and another daughter with learning difficulties she is just managing to stay in main stream school which is great.

anyway thanks again for the thoughts

[QUOTE=BETHANN]

They are the ones who are seen doing anything and everything wrong. The others seem to slide by without being caught or forced to acknowledge that they did anything wrong.

[/QUOTE]

Oh my goodness! I thought my son was the only one who had this happen! I am always amazed at what other kids get away with and my poor DS is always the one caught! I've often said (and actually have witnessed this happen) that 5 kids can be in a room misbehaving and the only child that will get caught is mine. It just blows my mind!

This thread has been very interesting. My son seems to be the target of bullies and I have never understood this. I found the comment that ADHD kids are often targets very interesting. Also the comment about kids who are "alone" being targets.

Thanks!

[QUOTE=Dizfriz]

Dizfriz

[/QUOTE]

I'm not sure I'd call that statement "grumpy" Diz just blunt

It sounds to me CacklinKatie that the struggles in your relationship with your hubby are also affecting the child.

I don't know who posted it but someone said that ADHD'ers aren't necessarily the ones starting the altercation--they're just the most likely to get caught.

That's often true because our impulsivity and auto responses mean that we often don't have the patience to be sneakier/smarter or look around first for teachers/adults before we respond to stimuli.

You've got a lot going on with this child right now Katie. It didn't take a week to get started and it won't take only a week to solve. Figure out which problems you can tackle first then put the rest on the back burner for now. Otherwise you are really going to be overwhelmed and that's not helpful to you or your son.

Good luck and keep us posted!