D/D like symptoms: can anyone relate? | ADHD Information
[QUOTE=mathmarsh]...as for Trauma, I have been multiply raped and physically abused and threatened with death by close family members, as well as having been diagnosed schizo-affective in the past, (now debunked)Pick and choose!
though the adderall eliminates this unreality...parts the anxiety curtain...of course, i do not reject an interplay between the ADD and my past as contributing [/QUOTE]
Well, to me it's two sided.
The painful events have happened.
That can't be changed. It's caused focus problems because there's so much trauma gunk mucking up the brain patterns.
So now--what CAN be done to improve your quality of your life? If adderal helps for now--go for it!
sorry for the psychobabble...it is a kind of defense, the way i get when i am an anxiety shrouded "machine"...the "literary" stuff is more me thinking, more real, when I am on the Adderall...thank you for the motivation; it makes me less afraid to be me...i think , after a while, I may have adopted the disorder as a defense, learned to love my shroud..
yes, i am in intensive psychoanalytic psychotherapy, and i take mood stabilizers (tegritol, abilify)and anti-depressant(wellbutrin) and am only now having Adderall added to the mix
as for the long sentences, i tend to write in stream of consciousness....my focus is so poor that unless I "spit it all out" at once I lose it...
Warning: I tend to overintellectualize, get away from the truth in an intellectual departure; my psychiatrist raises her 'Ipaddle' in session, when I do this...beware when I do this, i am usually not aware, though the real me is kinda intellectual anyway...take care not to confuse the two! (when called on it, I can distinguish truth from trip ...as for Trauma, I have been multiply raped and physically abused and threatened with death by close family members, as well as having been diagnosed schizo-affective in the past, (now debunked)
Pick and choose!
though the adderall eliminates this unreality...parts the anxiety curtain...of course, i do not reject an interplay between the ADD and my past as contributing [QUOTE=mathmarsh]
First, I want to sincerely thank you for breaking down the structure here. I can understand you much better!
sorry for the psychobabble...it is a kind of defense, the way i get when i am an anxiety shrouded "machine"...the "literary" stuff is more me thinking, more real, when I am on the Adderall...thank you for the motivation; it makes me less afraid to be me...i think , after a while, I may have adopted the disorder as a defense, learned to love my shroud..
That's a great line "I've learned to love my shroud".
Let me see if I understand that statement correctly? I think you might be onto something--we become attached to our diagnosis because they "explain" why we struggle. I often see people with ADHD writing about what are common human struggles yet they are viewing them through the diagnosis. Is that what you mean?
yes, i am in intensive psychoanalytic psychotherapy, and i take mood stabilizers (tegritol, abilify)and anti-depressant(wellbutrin) and am only now having Adderall added to the mix
as for the long sentences, i tend to write in stream of consciousness....my focus is so poor that unless I "spit it all out" at once I lose it...
Warning: I tend to overintellectualize, get away from the truth in an intellectual departure; my psychiatrist raises her 'Ipaddle' in session, when I do this...beware when I do this, i am usually not aware, though the real me is kinda intellectual anyway...take care not to confuse the two! (when called on it, I can distinguish truth from trip
I sometimes wonder if "intellectualizing" is really how many of us survive. If we distance ourselves and look for "logical reasons" for what we've been through, or why people do what they do, we make sense of a world that often doesn't make much sense to us.
Perhaps we have been taught not to trust how we feel. Particularly if earlier in our lives folks have told us, "It's wrong to hate/feel anger/be sad." Or if we have overreacted at some points, our shame leads us to overdriving our feelings with logic?
What d'ya think?
PS: You have a real way with language I notice. "truth from trip" etc. Do you write poetry?
[/QUOTE]Although my biography reads like the DSM IV, I have become convinced of two diagnoses: ADD with all the "usual" symptoms (disorganization, distractability, hyperactivity and so on) and bipolar disorder.
However, my primary complaint was, and still remains, the inability to think in a subjectively meaningful way ('feel' ones thoughts, as it were), profound feelings of unreality, actually the inability to feel real at all, and the experience of my objectively coherent speech as babble (i.e the subjective unreality of speaking). I've lately come to believe that these symptoms are traumatically induced developmental disorders residing on the ADD platform. In other words, they are there because of the way I was treated, but came to be nested in the anxiety 'envelope' of ADD. I exhibit the paradoxical reaction to stimulants, and my first experience of Adderall actually alleviated these symptoms, allowing me to think and feel real for the first time in years. To better understand the nature of the "blockage", I include a portion of my ADD log:At 12:00 I begin to notice the effects of the second dose, and with a good deal of effort and concentration, attempt to slow down, relax and rid myself of the anxiety driven time blurring pressure to perform and produce, and begin my descent toward the deeper levels that are me. I begin to deep breathe. It is 12:10; I still find myself narcissistically inwardly focused. My concentration is poor, and I keep losing my train of thought as I drift from level to level in an attempt to find eloquence of expression that do not really express me. This dose seems inadequate. I have to wonder if your feelings of unreality are internal [schizo-affective or fugue] or external--created from trauma?
Are you getting psychiatric help right now?
Anyway, whichever it may be--I guess the big question is--what can be done to increase your quality of life?
The other concern I have is that you are speaking "psychobabble"--describing things in medical/psych terms as opposed to descriptive statements. Your writing is very poetic.
I believe you could explain very well what you mean by being "literary' in your descriptions of your experience. This in turn, I hope will make you feel more connected as others understand the experiences you are describing.
What does this experience actually FEEL like for you? Disorienting? Like a frog caught in a blender? Annoying? Frustrating? Disconnected like a cord that can't connect to the hydro?
Call me stupid but I really want to understand what you are trying to describe. Shorter sentences help
