update and need some reassurance | ADHD Information

Thanks guys.

Jillete - what do you do about discipline? Your daughter is 7 right? My son is generally a good kid - it's just the defiance comes out when he gets into his little "routine".

I told the Dr. that I ground him but it doesn't work and he agreed. My son can be so sweet and wonderful and even as a teen - cuddly Ofcourse, he doesn't even want to know me when his friends are around.

Diane - puberty is a rollercoaster ride. The thing that gets me is I've been trying to get help since the 4th grade! I told my husband this a.m. that maybe it was karma and meant to be that we had the wrong guy first because now we know how right this new Dr is?

ADHD is such a difficult dissorder because it can come with co-existing things and you have to wonder what is causing the problem - the ADHD or the co-existing problem or is the co-existing problem making the ADHD worse.

As far as meds - well, my son wouldn't take them but maybe if he gets to the point where the Dr. can convince him that they'd help him he'd try them. I'm so afraid of medicating him but I do trust this Dr.

You guys are wonderful. My husband and I have historically taken things away.

The computer is the only thing my son misses. He hyperfocuses on it and it actually causes him to become nasty and even more difficult. It distracts him from his responsibilities. When he is bad we take the recreational computer away.

I am going to talk to my husband and think about a reward system appropriate for my son. Problem is he doesn't need a thing - spoiled you know. He wants a lap top but NO WAY. Boy, would he get in trouble with that. He has a fancy cell phone - BDay gift from grandparents.

We had given him an allowance and when he was bad we did take it away but he didnt' care. Maybe now is the time to institute it again.

The peculiar thing about my son is that if he doesn't want to do the task, he won't do it. The Dr. said he does what he wants when he wants and that is the way he is. For example, his room is condemnable - as many other kids' rooms are on this forum.

We got a puppy - and he said he'd clean the room so the puppy could go in it. Has he cleaned the room? No. If I said, you can have X $$ if you clean your room, he'd either not do it because he really doesn't need the money or he'd angle - "if I do this, can I get $$ too? I do agree kids shouldn't be paid for helping out around the house, so I have to be careful.

One thing - the puppy is bringing out a sweet and caring side I haven't seen in a while. Granted - he doesn't get up and take him out at 5:00 a.m. Nor does he volunteer to take him out but when asked he does. He even has to take care of the dog on his own a few times when he gets home from school and he rises to the occassion and does it willingly and successfully. So, I think there is hope.

Our mornings are better since we got the puppy. He gets up on time, plays with the puppy and actually has been eating breakfast. We got the dog because my husband thought it would be good for him - he's an only child. He loves his friends' dogs and all summer he kept asking for one. Since I wanted one too and so didn't my husband, we agreed - since we were well aware of the responsibility.

rswf39371.4195717593rswf, it doesnt have to be money. What does he like to go do? Offer to take him to the movies or give him extra computer time. Take him somehwere he loves to go, things like that. Use the money and tell him he can save for his own laptop. Sometimes it's just the verbal praise.I remember reading this great book about teen compliance. Can't remember the title but the doc said, "If the kid does what you ask them to do 80% of the time--you are doing JUST FINE as a parent. Back talk is meaningless as long as they DO 80% of the time, what you ask them to do."

I thought the fellow made a lot of sense and I try to keep that in mind.

Grounding doesn't work on many kids. Never worked on me--didn't work on 2/3 foster kids, either. One was motivated my $$$ plain and simple [take it away or give it] and the other by [of all things!] foozeball.

This is going to sound highly manipulative to you parents out there but my main discipline method with all kids/clients was to get them hooked on my attention/praise/ reward BEFORE as well as building up trust. Most people get mainly negative messages in life. That is how I gained leverage. Once I have leverage THEN I would begin to remove those if the child/person was unco-operative.

I'm not suggesting it--just asking you to consider it.

RSWF: this really sounds like the psych for you. Good luck!
I think that a reward system is really smart and not manipulative. Whenever we've been consistent about rewards, we've had better behavior. Right now we are using the marble system and it is great. If I had a teenager I would use real money. It sounds like he really needs medication -- I would give the kid every day just for swallowing a pill. What's /week for ongoing good behavior? When the meds are right, the behavior is so much better that you don't have to resort to taking things away nearly as much.

I went to a CHADD conference a few weeks ago and a psychologist spoke who had a son with ADHD. Her basic message was reward, reward, reward. Carrot and stick. I have done a lot less taking away and a lot more rewarding since hearing her speak, and it seems to be working. My son did 4 pages of homework on a FRIDAY in order to earn enough marbles to get to 100 and get the big reward. I didn't have to plead or cajole or threaten. I do have to say that it was a good day, medication-wise, and he was on a very even keel. A lot more works when the brain chemicals are adjusted correctly.

Joy2

I agree with the praise reward too. My 5 year old was having some "behavioral issues" at school. You know the drill, wont be quiet sitting on the rug..........anway, their system for class is when you start the day, you are on the "super highway", then first time spoken to you come across a green light, next time, yellow light (better slow down!), then third offense is red light and a consequence. So anyway, I told her that school and home do talk and I expected her to at least try to stay on that super highway. So anyway, day 1 she comes home all excited, super highway, I made a huge deal out of it, and let her have a lollipop, when she asked why, I said for staying on the super highway, thats really hard to do for a whole day and I was very proud. Next day, happily tells me stayed on the super highway, no pop, but lots of praise. That evening my husband said let her stay up for an extra tv show, when I told herhe said this she jumped up and down all happy and then looked at me seriosuly and said "is this becasue I went 2 days on the super highway?". . It wasnt, but of course, I was like "OH YES, we are so proud of you!". My overall point being it really took the huge praise on the good day to balance out the consequences (that I feel schhol should give out unless it is out of control). Now she cant wait to come home tell me how good she was. The past 2 weeks she was readily telling me she got in trouble. I know she is only 5 and still figuring out the rules and what she can get away with, it was just so dramatic.

With my teenager.......I agree with above, cash is the WAY TO GO!

[QUOTE=Joy2]I think that a reward system is really smart and not manipulative. Whenever we've been consistent about rewards, we've had better behavior. Right now we are using the marble system and it is great. If I had a teenager I would use real money. It sounds like he really needs medication -- I would give the kid every day just for swallowing a pill. What's /week for ongoing good behavior? When the meds are right, the behavior is so much better that you don't have to resort to taking things away nearly as much.

I went to a CHADD conference a few weeks ago and a psychologist spoke who had a son with ADHD. Her basic message was reward, reward, reward. Carrot and stick. I have done a lot less taking away and a lot more rewarding since hearing her speak, and it seems to be working. My son did 4 pages of homework on a FRIDAY in order to earn enough marbles to get to 100 and get the big reward. I didn't have to plead or cajole or threaten. I do have to say that it was a good day, medication-wise, and he was on a very even keel. A lot more works when the brain chemicals are adjusted correctly.

Joy2[/QUOTE]

Amen on the "talk is cheap" stuff. I watch parents all the time talk too much. They spend more time "explaining" and "processing" while the kid is thinking rings around them.

Action counts

I'm not so big on "systems" as I am on consistent action. Absolutely there needs to be 90% positives to 10% negatives or nothing works...
[QUOTE=Diane V]

With my teenager.......I agree with above, cash is the WAY TO GO!

[/QUOTE]

Thanks for making my day I grinned and grinned at the dramatics here

Are you sure she isn't going to be an actress?

Another thing I learned from this psychologist is to reward every little thing. I used to be kind of stingy about rewards and wait for bigger things to happen (left over from my upbringing -- kids are just SUPPOSED to do certain things and you shouldn't HAVE to reward them for that!) ADHD kids need tons of rewards. That's why I love the marble system. You can throw in a marble or two for anything.

She also said that big punishments don't work for these kids. They can't even remember what they did wrong!! Boy, is that the truth. We used to take things away for a week and my son had no idea why after a few hours. Now everything is in small increments. Tiny increments.

You'd think we could figure this stuff out on our own, but sometimes you just need someone to say -- hey, it's OK to reward a kid just for putting his shoes on. (I always had my mom's voice in the back of my head saying, "he should be able to do that on his own." Yeah, thanks mom).

Joy2

[/QUOTE]

Thanks for making my day I grinned and grinned at the dramatics here

Are you sure she isn't going to be an actress?
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OK off topic, but this is the kid who saw the doctor last week for an ear infection, the doctor says both ears are infected, she says no, my left one is not infected. The doctr is like, ummmm, yeah it is I'm looking at it it's red full of fluid, infected, she looks her right in the face and says no its not, its just the other ear. We were like......well ok then we'll just treat the one you think is infected...........

Up date - the first progress report was a dissaster - he is failing everything - same problems - homework - not done - dissorganization - no effort.

Saw the psychiatrist with my husband today to get some help with this, find out the Dr.s plan and how to deal with my son's constant fighting with me.

Well, I asked the Dr. right out if he had ADD. He said there probably was some ADD and he wants the teachers to fill out a questionnaire. He also said there are other things going on. He said my son picks fights with me and goes into his "routine" and acts up to take the attention away from his problems. As long as he is fighting with me, he doesn't have to think about his problems.

Dr. said I just have to try not engage in the fight and he said it would be hard.

He wants to see my son once a week starting in November and he is going to try to establish a relationship with my son to help him see that his pattern of behaviour is not working.

I told him my son was afraid of medication and he said medication would probably be helpful. However, he did not metion anything specific.

I like this guy because he has identified my son's style, and although he suspects ADD he didn't come right out and make this definitive diagnosis. The other guy made the diagnosis from reading BASC reports and meeting my son once! He met with me and my husband more than my son.

So, the Dr. said I had him for 14 years and now it's time to let him help him because we need help.

So, parent teacher conferences on Thursday - I already know what it will be.

I'm resigned this year to not make myself nuts like last year. My son does not want me talking with the teachers so we are not implementing the 504. I am doing everything I can for my son and if seeing a psychiatrist weekly can't help him, I don't know what will.

Normal parenting techniques just don't work with our types of kids.

Thanks for letting me vent.

anytime rswf, you know everyone will listen (or read) .

You guys'll get there. everything changes once they hit puberty huh?

Sounds about right the testing stage. To me your son may have what my daughter has Oppositional Defiant disorder for they say ADHD rarely runs alone. I wish you the best. Jill Sounds like there's a power struggle going on. Been there, done that. Still do it sometimes. I also grew up in a power struggle situation, and there is nothing more frustrating for a kid. It's a total lose-lose from the kid's point of view. Some kids will do anything to subvert the parents' power. Maybe the new psychiatrist will be able to help you figure out what to do.

Some ideas: Make computer time a reward for something done instead of taking it away (homework, taking medicine, taking care of dog). That's really hard if he's used to playing it a lot. Give him 25c - .00 for each little thing that he does. Keep a list of everyday expectations visible so that the reward is consistent and he knows exactly what is expected. Keep rolls of quarters and small bills around the house so that you always have the money right there to hand to him. Heck, we get paid for doing stuff as adults, why shouldn't kids (if they're the hard-to-train kind!). If you figure out what you would give him for allowance anyway per week, you can break down the individual tasks to end up at around the same amount at the end of a week (so you don't go broke). Don't call it an allowance -- he's got to earn it. There will always be something he'll want to buy if you don't buy him anything.

It would be easier for him to follow the rules if his brain chemistry were working, though. To me, getting the meds into him would be priority #1. Then you might not need all of the other stuff.

Do you have a CHADD chapter? You might want to try their classes, too.

Diane and Joy - thanks for the great ideas. This weekend, my son is going to be at a social affair and my husband and I will have alone time so we can talk.

Diane - my son can never have a lap top. All he'd do is play on it and get in trouble. As is, he plays with the cell phone and I have no idea who he is texting and what messages he gets.

My son is very clever and smart - I have to set up a reward system so he doesn't think I'm "training him like the dog." One thing - the collie pup has the same temperment as my son - highly intelligent, easily bored, stubborn and doesn't take well to harsh training.

I think letting him have computer time when tasks are done would be a good place to start. I know if I told him I'd give him $$ to clean his room, he'd just not clean the room but I think I can figure something out. I can tell him we want to give him an allowance because he's a teen and he should have his own money but there are certain responsibilities he needs to do to earn them - like adults working.

I'm going to take out the book Explosive Child from the libary again, because if I remember correctly, there was a plan outlined in it.

I wish the new psychiatrist would give me a plan but right now he is more interested in establishing a relationship with my son. Well, I guess I can't be too bad a parent since the Dr. is letting us figure things out on our own.

Maybe by the time the Dr. feels meds are necessary, he would have established a relationship with my son so he trusts everyone and takes them willingly.