So I am kinda here to just vent and to see if anyone has any ideas that I don't. I am an ADHDer( diagnosed at age 7) who is attempting to get my phd in clinical psychology. After battleing my way through 8 years of undergrad I have finally made it to my fourth year of grad school.
I came in to grad school with all these great ideas for my dissertation and expectaions that in grad school my ADHD would not be such a pain. I mean these people should know and understand ADHD right? Oh no. I was so wrong. I have never been one to hide my ADHD. It is a part of me and it is what makes me special. I have been the poster child for ADHD. I have always patiently explained the disorder to those who are ...well ignorant. I have always self advocated. I have run peer groups, spoke at lectures, and been the one to show parents "hey it's not that bad". I have dedicated most of my adult life to learning everything about ADHD so other kids and families could have a better experince than me.
But now I am tired. I have professors writing me up on evaulations becasue I don't pay attention or that I am easliy distracted. I have had professors tell me that ADHD is not real and that I don't deserve my accomadations. (That professor, by the way, was fired for not complying to ADA then rehired 6 months later.) I have had to work my tail off just to try and keep up with everyone else much less get better grades. But I could live through all of that. I even lived through losing my insurance and not having my meds for 4 months while in the middle of the semester and doing individual therapy for my internship. That was my worst nightmare! But I survived. Barely. I kept fighting.
Now I am ready to give up. I have had 5 dissertaion topics and they each get shot down. I am now going to have to add another year to grad school becasue I did not get my preposal done. Heck, I really do not have a topic. I sit there and watch everyone else figure out some cool thing to do. And like usual I just watch them and ask why can't that be me? I really want to focus on ADHD. No one else wants me to. They say junivile bipolar is hot so go with that. But why? I do not think that we have ADHD figured out yet, do you? I mean yeah it is the most researched childhood disorder, but the research that has been done is based on what the researchers want to investigate, not on what really happens in ADHD life. I mean I am so glad that Dr. Barkley has spent so much of his time developing the executive function model of adhd but when I try to use it to explain why I have done something I am told I am using my ADHD as an excuse!
Where is the research that actually helps people? People have spent millions of time money sweat and tears to look at stimulants every which way but upside down and actually I think they did that too. But honestly I would give up my meds if I could have friends or not be so annoying. Kids are treated not for what they think is important but based on what teachers and parents want out of them. To sit still and be quiet. (no offense, I know you moms, dads, and teachers work your tails off too) Honsetly most of my childhood I did not care about any of that stuff they care about and wanted to fix. I wanted to fit in, be normal, feel like everything I did was not wrong or bad. And where is the research on this. Why do our adhd kids have such low self esteem and high depression? How do we fix it? I do not understand why this stuff is not important. But in the end I still need to find a dissertation topic.
I know this was long but thanks for listening. I am hoping that by getting this out and getting some support I will get the motivation to fight one more time. Oh and if any of you have any advice on how to get past this or idea's for a dissertation please let me know. I means alot to me that at least here maybe someone will understand.