adolescents with adhd-mom needs support | ADHD Information

sarasmom - I know what you are going through. I have a 14 year old that is bright, musically gifted and generally not a bad kid.

On the other hand - he is defiant, oppositional, and has decided this year to do nothing in school. He has a fear of failure yet he is failing everything. He can't control his emotions and when something doesn't go his way, he errupts. Through the help of the new psychiatrist, I have learned to not play into his oppositional behaviour and engage in the fights - it's really really hard.

The psychiatrist says my son does what he wants when he wants to and that is the way he is. The challenge is to try to motivate him to do the things he doesn't want to do. My son is also a "know it all" and can't handle any challenge to his way of thinking. He gives up if something doesn't come out perfect the first time and refuses to take instruction of any kind - unless he has decided he wants it at the moment.

When his behaviour gets out of control, grounding does not work. I have been through the mill too. Our kids don't respond to conventional parenting. I have taken the computer time away - the behaviours don't change. I have yelled at him - doesn't work - we have tried everything - we have tried positive reinforcement. The trick is finding what motivates him. We are trying to come up with a reward system using the computer.

My son isn't on meds yet but I see it in the future. He has a great Dr. now who is establishing a relationship.

I find this board a lifesaver. I don't feel alone. All the posts on this thread alone, describe my son. I know my feelings of anger, despair, fear, frustration are normal.

Also, I do see light at the end of the tunnel. Granted, you have to look for it - but I read the posts and any sign of positiveness and wellness I grab on to.

Keep posting - it's great therapy.

Metisrebel - your posts always help ground me.

Well, I am still trying to find something to motivate this girl...one step forwards, three steps backwards...We have told her that the grounding is over but she will not automatically receive her priviledges back...computer, phone, friends, etc..She will have to earn our trust as she did a few things a month ago that seriously damaged that trust...Her lying is such a huge problem and she just lies about the dumbest things!!!Did you take the dog for a walk yet? "Yes" only to find out from her sister that she went out for 2-3 minutes and came back home bc she was cold. "That wasn't lying...I did take her out.." UGH. My expectations at this point seem so simple to me...She asked me to write out a daily list of chores/responsibilites to help her stay on task. she is still not doing them....She got the bio grade up and flunked the math, english and spanish quizzes....She is an a/b student...What am I missing here???? And yes, unfortunately, we are in some kind of negative relationship space every single day bc of these ridiculously easy tasks that she will not complete....one things I've found best for the little things lying like the dog, DON'T even challenge them. If she goes out for only 2 minutes (my daughter does the same thing), I dont say did he do what he had to do, did you take him....etc. I say, you know, that was too short of a walk, take him out longer, if she DECIDES not to, I take off some allowance. Once I remind her of that she juts goes back out now. I will say did you brush your teeth, she says yes, I say ok, well it was kind of quick, you need to do it again, that way either way, if she's lying or not they still get done and we dont all caught up in the "lie". Same with her room, did you pick up your clothes? Automatically says yeah (in that tone only a teenager possesses) and i say ok good, well go down and double check it all before I go check just in case in you missed something. It's ANNOYING, but I dont get all caught up in the fact that she lied the first time, otherwise we'd be in the same boat and shed be lying about everything. I only call her on it if it's something big, but we havent had that this year. Decide the main point, if its to get the dog walked, who cares what she says as long as the dog gets walked right? Like picking your battles with a 3 year old.

I wish I had joined this message board years ago. It has been so nice to check my email and see so many kind people with great advice. Thanks again-it is giving me consistent motivation to stay focused on doing more of what works and less of what doesn't. I go back and read my first post and feel sad that I get so frustrated and angry even though I know those are normal responses especially when she is behaving poorly.

I am happy to say that she has done a much better job with being respectful, compliant with chores, homework,etc. She and I try to set aside time each day to talk and she is opening up more now that the focus in more positive than punitive. She worked really hard last week and got an A on her biology test which is the class she had been pulling a low c in last quarter. She seemed proud of herself and I was so relieved to have something tangible to tell her I was proud of. There has certainly been some positive movement in many areas-she is capable of this-now I need support to stay consistent myself-checking assignment notebook, quizzing her for quizzes, tests, etc, asking about what's due and when, creating time to do something fun together, or just talk...

I love this girl so much and want us to be close and have a good relationship. It is just more of a challenge and I need to stick with it and not give in or give up...

thanks esp. to metisrebel for your feedback-we trained a hyper lab so I definitley got the point.

Thanks also to ommas for telling me I am a good mom. Sometimes I don't feel like it so it helps to hear esp. when the chips are down...

And to keelime-yes she not only transitioned to high school this year but my husband and I made a decision to transition her to the public school-she left behind all of her friends at the christian school which was very difficult and I have to say that she handled all of this with grace-she could have been a real pill. It has been hard and she is still navigating the waters but she has made some nice friends (or so they seem) and has risen to the occasion of making the best of it. I am proud of her for that...

I am curious to know how many of you moms feel like you are doing this alone. Sara's dad is not involved in her life at all. My husband and I have been married two years, he works alot and is critical of how I handle things with her but he is not making much of an effort to get involved positively or negatively...

I too know how you feel. My son is 18 and graduated high school last June. The past two years have been a nightmare. He is handsome, kind, and extremely intelligent. He is also stubborn and unmotivated. His junior year he almost flunked the last term due to skipping classes and smoking marijuana. His GPA in 9th and 10th grade was 3.75. In 11th grade it sunk to a 1.08. His senior year he only had to take one class (English) because he had enough credits to graduate due to the fact that he was in the advanced classes and had done well earlier on. He went to class pretty much every day, but wouldn't study or do the homework. As a result, one month before graduation he was in danger of failing and not walking the stage. We had to pull out all of the stops and basically beg his teacher to work out a plan so he could somehow pull it up to a D and pass.

Since he hadn't done well in school, college right away obviously wasn't a good option, so we made him get a full time job. Mon - Fri 8-5 in a warehouse. He hated it. He lasted 3 months before they fired him for lateness. In the meantime, he did enroll in a Biology class at the community college. He says he wants to be a marine biologist, which has been a passion of his since he was a toddler. He is actually doing well in the class (a B avg right now). Unfortunately, he has not gone and gotten himself a new job. He wants to go to school full time next semester. I have serious doubts about that though. I think he will find himself overwhelmed and it will end up being a disaster. At any rate, we have told him he at least needs a part time job to pay for his car ins, gas, etc. It has been 7 weeks since he got fired, and he is barely looking! He sleeps until noon, does nothing all day, and then stays up until 1 am. I almost wonder if he is a little depressed.

I agree with Metis Rebel's comments. Obviously, what we've been doing thus far is not working. I just can't seem to find anything that does motivate this kid. I try so hard to relate to him, but we just end up arguing. Other people give me advice ranging from "throw him out and he'll figure it out quick" to "leave him be and he'll figure it out in time". None of these people have ADD kids though. I am worried he will get himself into trouble of some sort if he doesn't get some direction.

While I don't have any successful tips to share with you, I guess you at least know you are not alone! If anyone has any ideas, I am happy to hear them. I need all of the help I can get!

Just wanted to say thank you to the two moms who responded to my original post. It sometimes feels so lonely and frustrating. We tried to increase her Concerta in the past but she had absolutley no appetite and she already is very thin-and she was really irritable on it. So much of her current problems are related to personality and the whole cyle of misbehave-discipline-corrected behavior-and start all over again and so we once again are in the honey moon phase of correction, lost priviledges, studying hard, on her best behavior, etc. Sadly, she and I tend to get along better during this time because she is at her best and I connect so much more to her. It just requires so much energy and I can certainly relate to the mom talking about her other kids getting the short end of the stick. My oldest and I are so much alike-she is a piece of cake but she gets so frustrated when her sister gets so much attention - negative or in the form of hellp with studying etc....Thanks again for the encouragement...I needed it.

wow

you are a great mom.

you described adhd issues so well from an outsiders perspective.

she's very lucky to have you as a mother

so dont give up now keep her in thosee books

keeping her motivated for dreams beyond high school

i always say that if a dream is strong enough an adhd kid would rather sit and think about thier dream than to take drugs.

so my point is i hope she starts working harder toward her college dreams.

managing impulsivnesss is difficult for all peoples. a strong reachable dream can kep things in balance as it can act as a priorities filter if you will.

if not college then some other academy though in a strategic tutor / adhd therapist and more of moms great intuitivness and we may you may have miss wonderful agian - with adhd sorry i had to keep it real.

[QUOTE=sarasmom]

I am new to this whole message board process...first timer. I have a 14 year old daughter with adhd. She is taking 18 mg of Concerta and this certainly helps but her behavior just wears me down. She is bright but puts in little to no effort with grades-currently getting mostly b's and c's when she is very capable of mostly a's. She is sneaky, lies about the dumbest things, was recently caught cheating at school, has very little respect for authority but doesn't openly talk back nor is she disruptive except to talk excessively in class, etc. She is grounded so much of the time and it just seems that she takes the grounding, does her time and then when the time is up she is careful for awhile then is back at being attention seeking, loud, talking too much, letting her grades fall, etc. I know all of this makes her sound like a real brat...but as you know with your kids...she can also be kind, caring, generous, helpful, sensitive, etc. She reads the Bible daily and has a relationship with God but even this does not seem to prevent her from acting before she thinks, being lazy, etc. Anyone else out there dealing with teens?????[/QUOTE]

I'm going to start with the obvious.

Grounding isn't working on this child. In fact--it never worked on any of the foster kids I had, either

You need to find what motivates THIS kid.

Also, to make impact, 80-90% of time with a kid needs to be spent in positive reinforcement. Otherwise the negative attention will soon overwhelm the relationship.

Teens are often difficult. Teens with other struggles, even more so.

Pick your battles. Start with the problem that's driving you the nuttiest. Put everything else on hold for now. You can get to it later.

I've been a dog trainer and I've been a foster mom and I've been a counsellor. Frankly good dog trainers made the most sense

Find out what motivates the dog [kid] food/play/putting things in their mouths, whatever. Every dog is different.
USE IT USE IT USE IT. Spend 90% of your time in a good relationship. If you correct the same way 3x and the dog isn't 'getting it' it's the wrong correction for the dog

MetisRebel39381.3780555556I can so relate to your situation. MY 14YO son is very bright and could get
all As if he turned in his work. He couldn't care less about his grades, which
are mediocre, never studies, does homework sporacically and drives all his
teachers nuts with disrupting the class.

We just upped his medication to see if that helps. The head of his school,
who is very familiar with ADHD, suggested it, as the dosage my son was on
was prescribed two years ago. He has since gone through puberty. Perhaps
a change in dosage or medication is also in order for your daughter.

I suspect that transitioning to high school has been a major stressor and has
aggravated symptoms for my son, as he did better last year. Did your
daughter just enter high school?

Would it help to up her meds just a bit? My DS (12 years old) takes Concerta since he was about 7 or 8 and it has really helped with the behavior. Once we got the dose correct I haven't had to up his meds since that time. This is the first year we are looking to change it - he is going through puberty. I also wonder if counseling would help your DD. She is old enough to understand what is going on. When my DS takes his meds he tells me that it is easier to do better. When he doesn't take it or it wears off he says he knows what he should do but just can't make it happen most times. It really frustrates him.

Good luck!

That sounds so very familiar!!!! I have a 13 year old son who is handsome and caring and so very very smart, but he is constantly in trouble. It is such an emotional yo-yo. I try to be strict and discipline him and he will behave for a while, be sweet to his brother and sister, do chores and so on and then swing to being depressed and making me feel like he has no self esteem and such. He is so good at the manipulation and I feel so torn between wanting to scream and ground him for life and feeling sorry for him and worrying about how to make him happy. Which he only seems to be when he is getting his way.

It is so exhausting, and I love him so much, but I feel like my middle son who is not ADHD and is as laid back and loving and kind, never in trouble, would give his brother anything as well as my daughter who is also ADHD but much more low maintenance always get the short end of the stick. My oldest takes so much time and attention and it is hard to balance.

Good luck and stay positive, and just do the best you can!!!

ok, thanks Diane. So I am doing what you suggested. I am not asking...I am simply checking to see what needs done and then telling her to do what she is supposed to do. There is less tension so it is working....

my next question is "Am I just unrealistic or at some time will she do these things on her own?? I get so concerned that she is not learning skills she needs for adulthood...college, etc Maybe I am just getting ahead of myself...

And, she is obviously very bored...she was grounded for one month for a major offense and now is free to earn our trust by completing tasks, chored, getting her grades up etc. She has not done much yet to earn our trust but her spirit is pretty low. I don't want to "give in " to her manipulation (bc I'm not sure what is sincere with her and what is manipulation) but I also feel it is time to give her back something (30 min on computer or phone each day) My husband is against this. He thinks she needs to more and for longer period of time. Help???

well as far as will she ever do them on her own...........boy I HOPE so! I ahve the same worries.

If she is down and being puished alot she is feeling why bother? We were in this same boat last year. The key is DEFINITELY give her stuff back. Make it easy for her to earn back some stuff. If she is never having fun, hse will just not care. It's not all about manipulation. Some may be control, but so what if you "let her" a little? We did end up letting my daughter earn back tv time by completing everything that needed to be done and we climbed back up to a fairly better place after that. Consequence works better when countered with reward. she cant start to earn your trust back if not given the opportunity. The hard part is letting go of what has happened before.................I still struggle with this.

Is she on any meds?

I know...this is so much harder than just trying to teach her to be quiet or calm down when she was young....Now her impulsivity comes with BIG consequences...It just scares me so much and I have to work so hard to try to not get so attached to the outcome(future) and try to attach to her and to today... As her mom I feel so responsible for her and yet I know I can only do my best.

Thanks for the feedback about giving something back...

She is on meds...Concerta 18mg. We tried to double that last year but her appetite went down the tubes and she became very irritable. So the 18 seems to work best. There is alot of adhd but unfortunately there is also alot of personality to this as well....

Thanks for posting-I just feel so alone with this sometimes

Hi ... I'm a newbie too. I've already posted 3 things regarding my teenage son and I'm so grateful to find and know that I'm not alone. So ... while I don't have a lot to offer, because I feel a lot of your same feelings, I want you to know I'm here for you too!

Coolmom47

oh yeah, it definitley changes as they get older. Although sometimes I'm still trying to get her to be still, like at the hairdressers the other day !

Have you tried any other medications? We didnt have a lot of luckwith Concerta for the saem reasons, going high enough caused too severe side effects.

I worry every day about hefuture and if she'll ever be able to be independant, but I think all parents do, especially parents of adolescents. When they're young being ideal and hoping for the world is great, but as long as we staygrounded for our kids, know what they can handle and what is too much. Not too much pressure, just enoughfreedom not to smother them. I've found my duaghter very receptive to knowing when she needs my advice for things, if I let her do some things her way and see what the mistakes or consequences are (obviously safety first). My daughter has a coexisting LD and coexisting anxiety. I know she will not be able to handle college. It has nothing to dow ith me not believing in her, or shortchanging her education, it will be too much. she really, really wants to go to an agricultural vocational high school. She is immature and wants to go their so she can study animal science. She thinks it'll be all about feeding cute kittens and groming the horses. I'm fine with this, as a vocational high school focuses on strong work ethics and responsibility...............soudns good to me. If she can get in and they can provide the educational support she's going to require, it's win, win.

Try to be real and work with her, it's her life. My daughter told me today she really doesnt like her new medication, so I told her fine we will all discuss it together at her p-doc appt on Friday and think about what we can do from here.