need major hug | ADHD Information

rswf,

Sorry to hear all this. It's so heartbreaking, especially to hear they are just not trying and just dont care. This age is so much harder because it's all about letting them work through some of this. I am with you! Last year was SO rough for us. We did make it through and are having a significantly better year this year.

so guess am just sending you your hug!

Metisrebel - I always feel better after you post.

I know deep down things will get better - they have to.

I don't think he'll become a Hanibel -he's not psychotic. according to the Dr., my son has a fear of failure. Ironically, he's going to fail 4 classes. What happens is he digs himself into a hole and gets so deep he can't get out. He gets one failure or set back, says "what's the use" and throws in the towel.

He has anxiety and gets overwhelmed and I think he just can't see anyway out. He also thinks very literally. It's very subtle but it's there. I mentioned this to the Dr.

It's his personality to not take direction. We thought he'd outgrow it but he hasn't it and we know it's just his personality.

In retrospect I made one mistake - I should have let him fail 7th grade. But, I was with the previous psychologist who was terrible. That would have been a huge wake up call.

Sure, I could say, school or work but my son could not hold a job - he can't even handle the minium responsibility. We got a dog and he will take out the dog and take care of him, only on our prompting. I can't get him to pick up his room - not an unusual trait for ADHD kids. He will come up with any excuse to get out of work. He is the tiredest 14year old I have ever seen.

I can see the emotional anguish in his face.

I know two very succsessful people who did not finish high school. The difference is they are motivated, hard working, driven and possess street smarts and common sense. The don't quit even after setbacks.

My son is a quitter and lazy. I am only using these words to describe his behaviors - I know there is an underlying reason for these behaviors.

I wish you luck with your new doctor and I hope your son doesn't resist the meds too much. It sounds like you found the right person. We are starting(hopefully ) with someone new in 2 weeks. Kinda excited. Good Luck!

In the 3rd grade, my youngest would do nothing in class and kept saying that she wanted to fail because retaking the year would be easier. She kept insisting that she did not care. This was all her trying to hide how bad she felt about failing and problems with other children. She was having rages and running away and wanted to die. It was a very scary time. Once we got to the right treatment for her and changed parenting styles for her, things slowly got better. I now have my daughter back and she is her funny, loving, quirky self again.

You will struggle your way through this and come out the other side a changed person. Keep up the yoga and take care of yourself through this tough time.

[QUOTE=rswf]

First of all, I have to thank everyone on this board. It's a blessing that I can come here and chat with people going through the same thing. I especially like when people post their successes.

I wrote one story for a contest this week, researched another and started practicing calligraphy for this year's Christmas card run--does that count?

Well, it's gone from bad to worse. At the parent teacher conference they asked for a cluster meeting.

They said my son is doing nothing in school. They have written me notes and, ofcourse, I don't get them. My son has said to his science teacher, "I don't care if I pass or not and I don't care if I pass anything." My son is pretty much taking up space and he has said when he is 16 he will drop out. He's 14 now.

Hmmmm. Could be testing. Could be he's sick of being picked on in school. Could be a few different drummers marching through his head. Does he tell you why he won't do anything in school?

I dropped out for a year too. Best thing my Mom ever did was say, "School or work but you can't do nothing. If you work--you pay rent." That year off taught me a great deal and I went back, more mature tougher and more able to deal with bullies and nasty teachers. My nephew left for 3 years, went back and became a chef--learned to love cooking when he lived out on his own. Of course, my sister felt like she was losing her mind for three years

The story ain't over until the ADHD'er bounces

He did a project for english and for some insane reason refuses to pass it in.

On a positive note - I have a great psychiatrist now. I called him and he immediately gave me an apt. for Thursday.

Excellent news!

The cluster meeting is next monday and the Dr. had me give the teachers ADHD questionnaires. I know meds are in the future and I'm very open minded.

My kid will probably resist. This Dr. is establishing a relationship with my son and really seems to care.

He keeps sounding like a better and better choice.

I'm concerned because my son has never been this bad. My husband feels that this Dr. is the right guy. I don't know if my insurance will pay for weekly visits but I don't care. I'll pay out of pocket no matter what it costs.

Sometimes things get worse before they get better. Particularly if someone has been avoiding facing their struggles and now they're being slapped in the face with reality.

Sometimes that does mean a period of giving up and backing off-particularly with ADHD'ers, I've noticed. Then, when they're either bored, or say "I'm mad as h%ll and I'm not gonna take it anymore" many come bouncing back, unexpectedly. Hang in there--he might be "fermenting" as a friend of mine refers to it...

The more I read this board, the more I know it's ADHD innatentive with co-existing anxiety and ODD. Of course, the psychiatrist is going slowly and I like that. I know this Dr. specializes in ADHD because there are ADHD magazines in the waiting room.

I'm hanging in there - did some restorative yoga this a.m., I'm focusing on the big picture, taking it a day at a time, and so grateful I finally found a good Dr.

You take care of yourself.

It's surprising how FEW kids turn out to be Hannibal Lekturs

[/QUOTE]rswf, great idea brining some one to the meeting. Maybe the psychiatrist?Don't let this cluster meeting turn into a gang-up-on-mom meeting. Can you take someone for moral support? Your husband or a good friend who knows what you're going through. Whatever you do, don't back down. Many times, us moms are the only advocate our child has. Stick to your guns with the teachers and with your son. Good luck and God bless.

You do not have an IEP?

Remember, it can only get better from here . Hopefully they will really try to address his issues at the meeting.

I would give him computer time for doing homework as an immediate reward. That's one thing that I had to learn -- these kids need immediate rewards so that there is a clear cause and effect.

I used to expect my son to do much more before being rewarded because I based it on what I would expect of a normal kid. We just had power struggles that way. Now he does his homework, he gets his marbles and he gets 1 hour of gameboy. It's pretty effective.

Joy2 -perhaps you are right. I will call my Husband and we will give it back but conditions must be met - I must see the assignment; I must see the homework; I must see it in the backpack.

elizam - he's not getting negative messages; - if anything, all the teachers want to do his help him. My son has emotional problems along with the ADHD - his ADHD is subtle - when he was tested at school the school psychologist said maybe ADHD but wasn't sure.

The pediatrician felt he had anxiety and emotional issues and maybe ADHD. The first psychologist diagnosed ADHD innatentiave with depression.

Our current Dr. feels definate anxiety and probably some ADHD too.

I agree with Joy2- using computer time as an immediate reward is a good idea. Maybe you could set something up where he earns a certain amount of computer time for completed homework but he could double the time for proof of turning in the assignments? You'd have to set something up with the teachers, but it sounds like they're willing to work with you.

Maybe you could set up a different reward for longterm effort, something bigger, like a day trip with a friend, but make sure you can clearly define what's expected and track it in writing so there's no room for arguements.

I also wanted to comment on what you said about your son holding a job. Everything you said about your son was said about me at that age- lazy, doesn't try, can't even clean my own room (actually the room cleaning thing is still true ). But I got my first job at 15 and it was an entirely different experience. It was much more rewarding- I felt independant and proud. One of the major differences between school and working is that, assuming you're in a good work environment, you're are not made to feel stupid for not knowing things or forgetting things. You get taught what you need to know and no one expects you to do it well until you've had lots of practice.

Also, the school or work ultimatum worked for my brother. He dropped out when he was 16 and moved out when he was 18 and despite having undx'ed adhd (he finally saw a doctor a few months ago!) he has been one his bosses favorite employees at every job he's had since; they love his work ethic and ability to think outside the box- he's 33 now.

My husband will go to the cluster meeting.

We do not have an IEP because he is not classified as special ed. The psychiatrist knows about the meeting. Whatever the Dr. says to do I will do. My husband and I have accepted that medication is probably in the future.

I am so happy I did not give up looking for a Dr. My yoga teacher, who has experience with psychiatrists, told me that 90% of therapists lousy but you keep looking for that 10% who are good. She was the one who told me that the other guy sounded bad and it didn't make sense that he wouldn't see my son unless my son admitted he had a problem. She agreed that it was his job to help him.

She was the one that told me to keep looking for the right person and one that would treat me son.

I have experience behind me now. I will listen to the teachers, and we can talk about plans. Maybe we can reinstate the 504 from last year. The problem is not with the plan but with my son. He will not expend any effort. I will not let them beat up on me or my son. The school is actually very helpful.

Last night was classic but because the new psychiatrist explained why my son acts the way he does, I was able to handle him, not blow up and stay calm (I think yoga and meditation has helped too.)

My son wants his computer time back. I told him we would gladly give him back limited computer time but we needed to see improvement in effort. We explained that the computer is not the problem since he acts the same with or without out. I want to make the computer a reward for doing his work.

My son said he'd do his homework for the night and then could he have his computer time back. I explained calmly that is not how it works. We need to see improvement over time. He then said, "well I'm not going to do my work then."

Then he went into the old "I want to do my work by I don't" I don't want to fail but I don't care"

When I said, "you want to win the race without running it" it hit a nerve, he tried to pick a fight with me. I wouldn't bite so he went the next step - "I hate you and I want you to die". When I still did not bite he went to the floor and banged his head.

I calmly said, " if you want to lie on the floor stay there. It's up to you to do your work. We can help you but you have to put in some effort."

Then I left the house to pick up some groceries. When he heard the car in the garage, I heard the pitter patter of feet and when I returned he had re-placed himself on the floor. Well, I calmly said, "Oh, you are still on the floor."

When he saw I would not "play into the drama", he got up, asked if he could watch TV and I said, okay. Drama stopped - I think he did his homework - hard to tell. Even if he did it, he probably won't pass it in.

How I am able to stay calm this year is a miracle. Got to be a combination of yoga, a good Dr. for my son and maybe I have a guardian angel looking out for my family. I do have support from my family also.

Could any of the teachers be sending out negative messages to the students that are having problems? Or, for that matter, their entire class?

People don't seem to quite believe me when I say this, but it weas so bad at my ds' middle school that the teachers told the classes daily how they were the worst ones, that they were lazy, that they'd most likely never make it thru high school, etc. etc.

This was a bitter pill to swallow! He wanted to quit being homeschooled and go to school in the 7th grade. We didn't feel too optimistic about it just from what we'd heard about our local schools, but we figured he'd do well, so we let him go. He got put into what I think was the worst class in the 7th grade, despite really good test scores, etc. I think it might have been because he was hsed...they said they weren't used to getting formerly hsed kids. As the year went on, we learned that the ones who got treated really well were the "AG" classes. In each grade, there were three teams, one of which consisted of AG kids, who also were the preps and popular ones. All teachers' kids are AG in our schools. All AG kids are given lots of perks and few punishments, while the other two teams of kids are told how they are losers.

My ds isn't stupid and he heard it loud and clear every day. He also got treated bad by the AG kids for being in the "dumb class."

By 8th grade he was talking of suicide and having no future outside of burger flipping. He did wind up having ADHD, but was treated like a problem child for the ADHD behaviors (they said he was otherwise a nice enough kid, just inattentive and silly and not caring about his work--the latter of those was not true).

Hang in there. This will turn around. Maybe you can have him focus on one
subject at a time and help him make a plan to succeed at it. His whole
school workload is probably too overwhelming right now. Keep up the yoga
and take care of yourself.

First of all, I have to thank everyone on this board. It's a blessing that I can come here and chat with people going through the same thing. I especially like when people post their successes.

Well, it's gone from bad to worse. At the parent teacher conference they asked for a cluster meeting.

He did a project for english and for some insane reason refuses to pass it in.

On a positive note - I have a great psychiatrist now. I called him and he immediately gave me an apt. for Thursday.

The cluster meeting is next monday and the Dr. had me give the teachers ADHD questionnaires. I know meds are in the future and I'm very open minded.

My kid will probably resist. This Dr. is establishing a relationship with my son and really seems to care.

The more I read this board, the more I know it's ADHD innatentive with co-existing anxiety and ODD. Ofcourse, the psychiatrist is going slowly and I like that. I know this Dr. specializes in ADHD because there are ADHD magazines in the waiting room.

I'm hanging in there - did some restorative yoga this a.m., I'm focusing on the big picture, taking it a day at a time, and so grateful I finally found a good Dr.

[QUOTE=elizam]

Could any of the teachers be sending out negative messages to the students that are having problems? Or, for that matter, their entire class?

My ds isn't stupid and he heard it loud and clear every day. He also got treated bad by the AG kids for being in the "dumb class."

[/QUOTE]

There have been countless studies now that prove that if a teacher believes a child to be bright--the child will become bright. That if s/he believes them stupid--they will test as being stupid.

In the most famous one they stuck IQ's in a hat [so to speak] stuck them on a name and gave the teachers the results.

By the end of the year, the random group of "smarter kids" had high marks, behaved excellently and good attendance and the random group of "dumb kids" had low marks, poor work habits and rotten attendance.

So, the answer to your first question is a resounding YES! Anyone who tells you different really needs to study psychology 101.
rswf, the earning things back has really worked at our house too. You have to find a way for them to get theri "stuff back" or they see no way out and get more depressed. I love the idea of earning computer time for assignments done!

As a matter of fact, my husband called after I read your posts and posted.

Starting tonight, we will let him have computer back with the following rules - has to show us the assignment; do the assignment and then put the assignment in the backpack.

I like the idea of increasing the time as further reward. The only think that I'm leary about is that my son will stop doing anything constructive to play the computer games.

I think I'll start with 30 min. computer time and if it gets increased, still limit certain sites and games.

I also think that during the cluster meeting, I will ask to reinstate the weekly progress reports. That way we will be able to catch problems faster.

The challenge is to institute programs but still shift the responsibility to my son. I guess that is what we have the Dr. for.

I would only limit really bad sites (porn, etc.). Let him play games for 30 minutes. It's important to avoid power struggles. He does what you ask, he gets to do what he wants.