ADD ruining my marriage; out of control | ADHD Information
How long have you been off the stims? I don't know if there's anything to this or not, but when my son goes a few days without his stimulant med his symptoms seem much worse than they were before he was medicated. Maybe it's a sort of withdrawl thing- I know that these meds are supposed to be out of the system and all when they wear off, but maybe the brain gets accustomed to a certain pattern when you're on meds. Just a theory.
How's the treatment of your bi-polar going? I'm assuming that you need to "level out" on your bi-polar meds before stims can (possibly) be reintroduced? Any adjustment in meds can cause a lot of difficulty. I remember how much my step-sis struggled when her meds were being adjusted/changed- I guess she still does, I'm just not there to see it.
I like parduse's general idea of re-inforcement- not sure how I feel about the dog collar. It might be a little embarrassing to open answer the door like that. People would assume things.
Seriously, though, I would find a counselor that will see you both and has some familiarity with adhd and bi-polar. You both are going to need some help to get though this.
TIME AND SPACE
FIRST BE THANKFUL YOU HAVE A SPOUSE WHO BELIEVES IN YOU .
I FUL HEARTILLY AGRREE WITH MIMIIZING TIME AROUND HER.
ANY DISAGREEMENTS MUST BE CONDUCTED OVER THE PHONE WHERE VIOLENCE IS NOT POSSIBLE.
ID SAY GET SOMEONE TO PADDLE YOU WHEN YOURE BAD YOULL NKNOCK IT OFF &nb sp; PADDLED BY SOMEONE HE HE HE HE LIKE WE DID WHEN WE WERE KIDS HE HE HE HE
NOT YOU WIFE THINK OF HER AS A GIRLFRIEND YOU CAN ONLY DURING FREETIME.
IM NOT SAYING SEPERATION BUT MAYBE THIS IS TIME YOY ICK UP A SPORT OR AN ACTIVITY THAT DOESNT SET YOU OFF AND WORKS OUT SOME OF THAT ENERGY.
YOURE IN CRISIS BUY THAT ALSO MEANS ITS AN OPPROTUNITY.
THINGS HAVE CHANGED - NO MEDS
THINGS HAVE CHANGED YOURE FRUSTRATED = AGRY INPULSIVE = VIOLENT
THINGS HAVE CHANGED YOURE SPOUSE DOESNT FEEL SAFE = TRUST
ITS LIKE YOURE THAT PUZZLE WE USED PLAY WITH WHEN WE WERE CHILDREN PUTING SHAPED BLOCKS IN IN THE RIGHT HOLES WE WERE HAPPY .
BUT WHEN A STAY BLOCK GOT IN THE MIX WE GOT MAD THEN WE TRIED TO POUND ON IT. IT TOOK US A WHILE TO FIGURE IT OUT. THIS STRANGE BLOCK DOESNT EVEN BELONG AND WILL NEVER WORK .
THESES ARE COPING SKILLS BEING BI- POLAR THE TRIGGERS ARE EVEN HARDER TO MANAGE .
RIGHT NOW YOU NEED TO FIND A WAY TO TIME AND SPACE WORK FOR YOU.
BEING SENT TO TIME AT YOURE AGE SEEMS RIDULES BUT IT IS WHAT IM SUGGESTING REALLY JUST LIKE A CHILD GO SIT IN A CHAIR UNTIL YOU CALM DOWN DONT SPEAK . JUST BREATHE .
YOURE ADHD MAY COMPLICATE THIS AS IT MAY BE EXTREMLY DIFFICULT IF YOURE FIGITY.
THATS WHY I WAS SAYING THIS IS AN OPPROTUNITY TO GO FIND A HOBBY .
IF YOURE WIFE SAYS TIME OUT YOU CAN GO SIT , PLAY SOLITAIRE , WORK ON A TRAINSET , MAKE SOME ART, YOU CAN EVEN SEND ME A MESSAGE .
TYPING IT OUT IS A QUIET SKILL OUTLET THAT BUILDS TYING SKILLS.
JUST FROM ME TO YOU I KNOW RAGE ITS OK TO FEEL IT ITS NOT OK TO LET IT OUT AND HURT PEOPLE.
EVEN IF YOU DONT HURT THEM PEOPLE DONT WANT TO BEAROUND IT AND WONT TRUST ANYMORE.
I TOOK UP KARATE AS A KID . THEN JUJITSU AND BUSHIDO . I HURT A LOT OF PEOPLE. MEDS RARELY WORKED FOR ME IN WAYS THAT MADE COMFORTABLE.
SO I LEAN ON COPING SKILLS AND TRICKS TO AVOID RAGE.
THE BIGGEST ONE IS SPACE SO I CANT HURT ANY ONE
TIME SO I CAN CALM DOWN
I JOURNAL ALOT SO I CAN SEE MY THOUGHTS ARE RATOINAL.
I PLAY KEYRO PENTE TO CHALLENGE MY NEED TO RACE WITH MY THOUGHTS.
SO IN CONCLUSION I DONT HAVE ANY ANSWERS BUT I DO HAVE SOME OTHER THINGS TO DO THAN KEEP SMASHING THAT SQUARE PEG IN THAT ROUND WHOLE.
So you can't take any medicine at all?? Sounds like a therapist or an add coach or a support group for you AND your wife to go to may help until you can get on some meds again. Also, Do you exercise I know that can really help.
[QUOTE=Parduse]Desperate times call for desperate measures. If you can't shut your hole then stuff something in it like a ball gag.
As far as the spousal abuse, maybe get a training shock collar and give your wife the controls for it. Everytime you raise hell with her she can zap you. (Nothing says I love you like giving your wife a tazer.)
I'm not trying to sound flippant, but it sounds like you are in need of something that radical.
On the less extreme and less sadomasochist side you could limit your time around her while you still have time with her at all. She may love you, but there may come a time when she has to make some hard choices about her own health.
Good Luck.
[/QUOTE]Good lord, that sounds like the advice of an out-of-control Dom
[QUOTE=mathmarsh]
You have to take control of this RIGHT NOW, meds or no meds before you wind up doing something you can't undo. For your own sanity you need to start working on this ASAP.
I have recently had to withdraw from very successful stimulant therapy for my severe ADD because of medical complications (I am also bipolar). ADD symptoms are back with a vengeance! I cannot stop talking, keeping my wife up for hours, engage in constant bickering, throw temper tantrums, which have included some, thank god, mild physical abuse (throwing things, grabbing her etc) for which I exhorted my wife to call the police (which in the name of her love for me, she has consistently refused).
Obviously I see you have the sense to understand that you are committing criminal assault by grabbing your wife. That's a good start.
I KNOW THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR MY BEHAVIOR, yet I am at a loss to control it, even though I am pretty much aware of its origins at the time of its occurrence. I AM NOT TRYING TO USE ADD AS AN EXCUSE! Until the promised results of my newly started biofeedback treatment start to manifest themselves in a few months, I need help controlling my frustration generated impulsivity, my constant confrontational attitude, my simple inability to shut the f**k up, none of which was there during my stimulant therapy. My wife continues to love me because she says she knows this is "not me";
Unfortuately it IS you at the moment--and you can at least lessen some of this. You can do it--I know you can!
I love her, and do not wish her to be the the object of unremitting torment. Selfishly, i fear for the failure of my marriage, and this, needless to say, just adds to the boil. Any suggestions for stopping this behavioral juggernaut?
Okay, breathe
Now, tell me when you DON'T or DIDN'T talk all the time--what DID you do? Watch tv? Draw cartoons?
When have you had success in modifying any behaviour? What did you do then?
Get OUT more. Walk, jog, feed pigeons in the park--whatever. Play on the swings in the playground. Give your wife some rest and get yourself away from the situation after explaining to her that you are trying to practise self-control.
Get into a group that teaches mindfulness and self-regulation.
Frankly, this isn't looking like an ADHD problem to me.
It may be a component, but there's a heckuva lot of stuff going on here that has to do with mood regulation, behavioural regulation and adrenaline-based raging.
You need to find a group in your area with other people who are attempting to regulate the same way you need to. Their tips could prove invaluable.
[/QUOTE]
Desperate times call for desperate measures. If you can't shut your hole then stuff something in it like a ball gag.
As far as the spousal abuse, maybe get a training shock collar and give your wife the controls for it. Everytime you raise hell with her she can zap you. (Nothing says I love you like giving your wife a tazer.)
I'm not trying to sound flippant, but it sounds like you are in need of something that radical.
On the less extreme and less sadomasochist side you could limit your time around her while you still have time with her at all. She may love you, but there may come a time when she has to make some hard choices about her own health.
Good Luck.
I have recently had to withdraw from very successful stimulant therapy for my severe ADD because of medical complications (I am also bipolar). ADD symptoms are back with a vengeance! I cannot stop talking, keeping my wife up for hours, engage in constant bickering, throw temper tantrums, which have included some, thank god, mild physical abuse (throwing things, grabbing her etc) for which I exhorted my wife to call the police (which in the name of her love for me, she has consistently refused). I KNOW THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR MY BEHAVIOR, yet I am at a loss to control it, even though I am pretty much aware of its origins at the time of its occurrence. I AM NOT TRYING TO USE ADD AS AN EXCUSE! Until the promised results of my newly started biofeedback treatment start to manifest themselves in a few months, I need help controlling my frustration generated impulsivity, my constant confrontational attitude, my simple inability to shut the f**k up, none of which was there during my stimulant therapy. My wife continues to love me because she says she knows this is "not me"; I love her, and do not wish her to be the the object of unremitting torment. Selfishly, i fear for the failure of my marriage, and this, needless to say, just adds to the boil. Any suggestions for stopping this behavioral juggernaut?thanks for the laugh
giggling out loud
i think i can actually help you, first of all write down everything you bicker about right when its done.
write down when and what you last ate.
have her write down what her side is.
dont show eachother.
if your diet coincides with your bickering then try to eat more saccharides, popcorn is great and WATER. caffeine is a nice quick fix, not sugar.
if its not that, then you probably have some issues. now, what i would do is when you are happy at eachother, sit down and take turns. ladies first! have her tell you something that bothers her about you. listen no talk til shes done. write it down in your words. next, you do the same tell her what you feel about and have her write it down in her words. if emotions get high then thats good, but you need to timeout and even continue that issue til later. if you can cope then need to make comprimise. remember also that when you or her is talking about things its ok to ask her to clarify anything that you arent sure about.
start small and work your way up. when you are done give eachother a BIG hug and REMEMBER why you are with her, and why you dont want to be without.
hope this makes some type of sense. my mind wanders ya know hehe. good luck
[QUOTE=MetisRebel] [QUOTE=Parduse]Desperate times call for desperate measures. If you can't shut your hole then stuff something in it like a ball gag.
As far as the spousal abuse, maybe get a training shock collar and give your wife the controls for it. Everytime you raise hell with her she can zap you. (Nothing says I love you like giving your wife a tazer.)
I'm not trying to sound flippant, but it sounds like you are in need of something that radical.
On the less extreme and less sadomasochist side you could limit your time around her while you still have time with her at all. She may love you, but there may come a time when she has to make some hard choices about her own health.
Good Luck.
[/QUOTE]
Good lord, that sounds like the advice of an out-of-control Dom
[/QUOTE]
MetisRebel, Please stop the flatery, your making me blush.
Seriously though. I would almost take that as a complimant. Considering I am divorcing a Narcassitic, controlling, emotionally abusive,crazy woman. Im finally taking control of my life back. So I guess you see the irony.
I have had problems with a temper in the past. It was never towards a person, only objects (and no, one doesn't always lead to the other.) Once the rage starts, rational thinking stops. Whatever measures you take to help your situation HAVE to be in place before your outburst. Ballgags and shock collars aren't a solution, but they do symbolize a barrier between your rage and your wife. Whether that barrier is time apart or a sock in your mouth, something should be in plcae till you can address the true cause of the outbursts.
Your wife has strongly stood by you through this. Show her that she made the right choice by doing whatever it takes to not assualt or batter her again.
Good luck
"There are thousands of battered women in this world and all this time I have been eating my plain." Damn.
[QUOTE=Parduse][QUOTE=MetisRebel] [QUOTE=Parduse]Desperate times call for desperate measures. If you can't shut your hole then stuff something in it like a ball gag.
As far as the spousal abuse, maybe get a training shock collar and give your wife the controls for it. Everytime you raise hell with her she can zap you. (Nothing says I love you like giving your wife a tazer.)
I'm not trying to sound flippant, but it sounds like you are in need of something that radical.
On the less extreme and less sadomasochist side you could limit your time around her while you still have time with her at all. She may love you, but there may come a time when she has to make some hard choices about her own health.
Good Luck.
[/QUOTE]
Good lord, that sounds like the advice of an out-of-control Dom
[/QUOTE]
MetisRebel, Please stop the flatery, your making me blush.
Seriously though. I would almost take that as a complimant. Considering I am divorcing a Narcassitic, controlling, emotionally abusive,crazy woman. Im finally taking control of my life back. So I guess you see the irony.
I have had problems with a temper in the past. It was never towards a person, only objects (and no, one doesn't always lead to the other.) Once the rage starts, rational thinking stops. Whatever measures you take to help your situation HAVE to be in place before your outburst. Ballgags and shock collars aren't a solution, but they do symbolize a barrier between your rage and your wife. Whether that barrier is time apart or a sock in your mouth, something should be in plcae till you can address the true cause of the outbursts.
Your wife has strongly stood by you through this. Show her that she made the right choice by doing whatever it takes to not assualt or batter her again.
Good luck
"There are thousands of battered women in this world and all this time I have been eating my plain." Damn.
[/QUOTE]Okay, then an out-of-control subbie or switch
Who else would come up [pardon la pun] with a ball gag and a shock collar?
MetisRebel39384.6123263889 [QUOTE=Parduse]
Your wife has strongly stood by you through this. Show her that she made the right choice by doing whatever it takes to not assualt or batter her again.
Excellent advice.
"There are thousands of battered women in this world and all this time I have been eating my plain." Damn.
Old, poor taste joke, under the circumstances *sigh*