Why don’t I bury my son in the backyard | ADHD Information

We all walk a fine line with meds for our ADHD kids. I was an ADHD kid, never had meds and learned to cope because my mother was always there. Did I treat her poorly sometimes, yes. Did she get frustrated with me, yes. My mother clearly understood the difference between feeding the "beast" by taking it personally and showing me that I had pushed her buttons. If she let it get to her, I was more than willing to escalate it, because I was already just acting on impulse and whatever mood I was in from school or from what ever was the controlling factor. My mother always did her best to maintain her cool. She seldom yelled and she reinforced that sometimes the best thing for me was alone time (nothing was as bad as I thought it was...she was right). She also spent a lot of time on consequences with me; always helping me to see the end result of my choices. She even prepared me in advance for situations she new I might struggle with. The other thing my mother did very well at, was to keep me talking. As an ADHD kid, I had feelings but they seemed to be stuck in a fog and sometimes I was doing things and I had no clue as to why because I couldn't read myself. She constantly worked with me on what feelings were there, what they could be caused from and how I could handle them.

Now...my mother has lived a poor life. My father was and is a piece of crap. He did everything he could to make life difficult. She had every reason to just throw in the towel, but she didn't and you won't either. The bond between mothers and children is significantly strong and only developed with a father if that father is truely focused on being a great father. If you want to know why he is focusing on you...its because he loves you and you are his only hope! He is over whelmed with life, with his ADHD, with school, with friends..... He is angry about something....help him find out what it is and what he can do. It also could be an issue with the meds...What is it about the meds he hates, because not taking the meds is a decision based more than likely on how they make him feel (something isn't right). If they made life easier, he wouldn't have decided there was something wrong. (I only know what you wrote...so I could be completely off base)

Medication doens't make a kid better or more tolerable...it helps them, it doesn't make them. How we, as parents frame this message for our kids will play a significant role as to how each kid sees him/herself. The day anyone makes a kid ashamed or feel sorry about who he/she is when he/she isn't on meds is the day you take their self esteem away and basically addict them to needing something to be "normal." Self-esteem is the first thing that helps ADHD kids succeed.

My 9 year old has had many of the same issues you have mentioned. He is a real handful sometimes...anger, rage, etc...all the issues I had as a kid. My son also has Transient Tic Disorder, something I didn't have. He has really struggled with it and his anger about some of the tics has been focused on me and my wife many times. If I think about how much I love him and how much he is hurting and wants to be happy, I can find the strength to be compassionate. I have on a few occassions lost it, but have kept myself from getting out of control by having a set of rules. We take "down time" and if there is confrontation during that time, it results in loss of benefits (TV, Bike, etc.). I do what my mother did, try to keep him talking about how he feels, why he is feeling it, how to deal with the feelings and what he can do to help himself. It seems he responds very well to rewards and the reality of lost benefits. If I give him something to earn, it seems that he will work really hard to regain control.

Hopefully this didn't come off as preachy....but I lived it and I passed it on to my son. Hopefully I help my son learn to parent an ADHD kid because I am sure he will be a father to one too.

cambec39380.3155208333

My son yells and screams at me too.

The psychiatrist said that he starts fights with me to avoid dealing with his problems; it's easier to verbally abuse me and push my buttons and get into a fight then do his homework or deal with the anxiety.

And I agree, your son yells at you because it's safe; he knows you will still love him. As hard as it is, try not to engage in the fights and try to stay calm.

This has worked for me lately; I stay as calm as I can while he is tantruming; I tell him I will not talk to him when he is abusing me verbally and treating me disrespectfully and I walk away. Ofcourse, he follows me but I will not engage him in the fight. Eventually, he calms down.

[QUOTE=spamula]Thank you for responding, I am looking forward to hearing from you Metis.

I think Dianne pegged it right on the nose.

I can't believe I just wrote this but as I sit here in tears that haven't stopped since last night I know you are right Diane. I just need to walk away. SO HARD! He just follows and yells. I guess I am the only comfortable one here for him so he lets it all out on me. I have my own issues and cannot take much more of this. I haven't slept or eaten in weeks and my health is in the toilet. The stress is killing me.

Do all of that. Lock yourself in the bathroom if you must--but as Dianne said--don't reward him with attention if he's acting up. If you must, walk right out of the house and down the street and let him make a yutz out of himself if he follows yelling.
Make like you haven't the foggiest clue whose kid is following you ANYTHING that will make your point that you are not his verbal punching bag.

Keep statements simple and short when you talk to him.

Never say more than 3 sentences because his mind will wander and all you'll get is the rolled eyes

How much conscience does he have? Does he feel guilt? If so, sit down at a CALM time, make sure you have eye contact and put your hand on his arm/shoulder and tell him, "I am HURT when you act like this to me. Do I treat you that badly?"

Silence. Let him stew on it.

If his eyes begin to well up add:
"Why would I want to lay down with someone who has spent all day screaming at me? Would YOU want to?"

[put the behaviour where it belongs--back on him]

Then get up immediately and go for a walk [because you are gonna wanna cry]. Let him ferment for a while.

You may be surprised at how much your own anger dissipates and how much you really do love this boy when you lay the truth on the line.

I am going to call the psych today and give him an update on the week cause he sees Jake 1st and us after. I want him to know what is going on. Now we are going to have to change him after the end of the year due to insurance reasons(he isn't on it) and we can no longer afford to pay for him. I feel bad about that but If I find someone good I guess he should adjust.

Oh dear, you so DON'T need that right now--no wonder you're feeling at the end of your rope. Hopefully you will get a good psych that can help you manage this child's behaviour with some success. It might be even better [we can hope!]

I just can't stand to be around him anymore and feel guilty about that.

We all want to duct tape our kid to the wall including slapping some tape over their mouths, now and then. You're perfectly normal.

Also, when we are holding ourselves back instead of being bluntly honest, we're more likely to hold resentments. I realize the boy is suffering but so are YOU. And the BEHAVIOUR [not the pills etc] need to be put right back where they belong--on the people that commit the actions and that includes junior.

And today's assignment is to google videos from Lee Evans--the comedian with ADHD.

[/QUOTE]Finally a response from someone who has lived through this. Cambec - thanks for your post. I found it very enlightening.

I agree - my son is worse with me than my husband A. b/c I am around more B. I show more compassion (not saying that my husband isn't compassionate - just a little less patient than I C. He is a 7 year old boy!!!!

I now refuse to talk to ds when he is misbehaving. It used to be really bad - it got better and now we are in a trough again. This time around I am just staying calm, sending him to the TIME OUT chair or his room until he calms down. He tells me when he is ready to discuss the issue. In fact, this just happened 5 minutes ago when he locked his sister in the closet - a thing she did to him a few days ago, which he hated, and she got in trouble for.

Just refuse to engage with him when he is misbehaving. He will eventually realize he isn't getting anywhere when he is like that. It's tough but so worth it when they figure it out.

Good luck

TIME AND SPACE

ID SAY THERE IS ALOT MORE GOING ON THAN TYPICAL ANGER .

I WORK ON A UNIT OG JUVINLE DELINQUINTS AND SOME OF THE THINGS YOUVE SAID RING A BELL WITH ME.

MY UNIT IS 24 BOYS THAT CANT FUNCTIONIN A NON RESTRICTIVE ENVIRONMENT . MEANING THEY NEED CBT ARE HAVE DISORDERS LIKE

ODD OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANCE DISORDER

CONDUCT DISORDER

OCD

ADHD

BI-POLAR

PHSYCOTIC.

IM NOT SAYIN YOUR SON HAS ANY OF THESES ACTUALLY I CANT ADVISE YOU ON ANYTHING AS I TRIANED ONLY AS STAFF WITHOUT ANY CREDITIALS .

JUST A DIRECT CARE STAFF . LIKE AN ORDERLY THAT IS TRAINED ONLY IN DE ESCATION TECHNIQUES.

TWO THINGS

TIME AND SPACE

AND ATTENTION SEEKING BEHAVIORS.

USE STERN TIME OUTS THIS INVITES SPACE TO CALM DOWN AND TIME TO GET REASONABLE THINKING TO COME BACK IN USE.

IF ADHD IS THE CASE TRY AND REMEMBER WHEN HES YELLING AT YOU HES ONLY UNDERSTANDING THROUGH HEARING 7% OF WHAT YOURE SPEAKING .

THIS IS WHY TIME IS SO IMPORTANT IF YOURE GETTING ESCALATED TOO THEN CHANCES ARE ITS A CONSTANT CONTROL BATTLE BASED ON HIS FEELINGS.

IM ADHD TOO UN MEDICATED SO PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH MY LAYMENS ADVICE I TEND TO WANDER AS I TRY TOO EXPLAIN.

SO HAVING A TIME OUT PLACE IN THE HOME WHERE THERE IS NO STIMULUS IS HELPFUL AS A PLACE FOR TIME OUT . EVEN IF YOURE SON IS TWENTY FIVE. ONCE AN OUT BURST OCCURS ITS HELPFUL TO REMEMBER NON VERBAL COMMANDS AND GESTURES THAT COMMUNICATED THATS WHERE YOU WANT HIM TO GO . WALKING TOWARDS THE AREA WHILE BEING VERBALLY TOLD OFF . INVITES A DIRECTION IF HE FOLLOWS THEN HE WILL BE NEAR THE TIME OUT AREA AND IT WILL BE EASY TO SIMPLY POINT TO IT .

IF HE DOESNT FOLLOW THEN THATS SPACE WHICH MAKES IT POSSIBLE FOR THE OTHER PARENT TO SPEAK CALMLY TO REMOVE HIM FROM THE SITUATION.

IT DOESNT DO ANY GOOD TO SQUARE OFF IN YELLING MATCH.

OPPS IM HAVING A POWER SPIKE ILL FINISH THIS LATER

KEEP PLENTY OF EMOTIONAL DEVLOPMENT ACTIVITIES AROUND AND TRY SEE WHEN HE ESCATING . CBT IS COGNITVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY,

IT TAKES A LONG TIME TO WORK BUT IT IS A NON MED TOOL .

THING IS WE ALL CORRECT OUR CHILDREN AND UPSET PEOPLE ANYWAY

CBT IS A BASIC CRISIS INTERVENTION MODEL

SO ITS A POSITVE WAY TO CONDUCT YOURSELF OVER A LONG PERIOD OF TIME.

SO MY ADVICE IS TO SEEK ALSO AN ADHD FAMILY THERAPIST.

AND TO FOR YOU TO IMMERSE YOURSELF IN DE ESCALTION TECHNIQUES.

spamula WROTE screamed at me the entire day and evening non-stop. then like nothing happened he asked me to lay with him to go to sleep. I don't think so.

THIS IS CALLED PLANNED IGNORE IF YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN - ITS SOMETHING YOURE DOING ANYWAY IF YOU LEARNED THE THERAPUTIC APPROACH TO WHAT YOURE ALREADY DOING IT MAY HELP YOUR WHOLE FAMILY .

WHAT YOU DESCIBED IN YOU ORIG POST IS A TYPICAL 8HR SHIFT FO ME TIME 4 BECAUSE THERE IS ALMOST ALWAYS 4 KIDS ON THE ESCALATING .

IT TOOK A LONG TIME FOR ME TO FIGURE OUT WHEN TO RECOGNIZE BEHAVIOR. AND WHICH TOOL TO USE. THINGS LIKE PROXIMITY, ALTERNATE STAFF, PLANNED IGNORE , POSITVE OUT COME , TIME OUT , CONSEQUINCE , RESTRICTION, FOCUS TIME , SPEAK SOFTLY , EVIRONMENT MANAGMENT = STUCTURE , POSITVE ATTENTION FOR REGULAR TASKS = ROUTINE

ONE ON ONE TIME AFTER AN OUTBURST AFTER THIER CALM HELPING DIG DEEPER THAM WORDS LIKE MAD , ANGRY TO WORDS LIKE FRUSTRATED , DISAPPOINTED , FELT STUPID AND CONNECT THOSE WORDS TO THIER OUTBUST THEN GOING BACK TO WHAT TRIGGERED THE WHOLE THING AND INVITING THEM TO HANDEL IT IN ANOTHER WAY .

I WISH I HAD A LINK YOU COULD PRESS TO READ MORE . ILL LOOK

GOOD LUCK PS YOURE NOT ALONE

------------------------------------------------------------ -----------------------------

to metisreble below

thank you very much itmeans alot to me to read that coming from you.

the first time i tried to help someone i insulted them and have felt bad ever since . ive been trying hard as i began to realize its actually theraputic for me to be there on the unit with the kids cause they dont treat me any different than they treat eachother. when i get mad at home now i go sit on the porch and puff on some cigars there agian its something ordinary that actually is thera putic i spend TIME on the porch - she stays away from my SPACE cause im smoking " those damn cigars". but what i also leaned is i must finish what we arguing about just as soon as were calm.

ommas39381.2189351852Good stuff Ommas.

You are a pro--no matter what's on your job description

Hey Spamula I am new here so I hope that I am not over stepping. I am a signle parent of 2 boys the oldest with severe adhd and to top it off he is entering puberty!!!!More fun for me. I can remember sever scenes just like the one you described and I admire you for being able to put your feeling out there without feeling guilty. Too often as parents I think that we feel guilty for actually being human. Thoughts and feelings are just that, you didn't actually harm him you just thought about it. I did want to say though that since I am all too familiar with the mental space that you are in , you need to take time for yourself. It may not seem as if there is any time to take but if you don't you are going to crash hard and then you will be no good to him or anyone. I have found it absolutely necessary to take that time and recharge no matter what Ihave to ignore, when I don't I am no where near the parent that my kids need me to be. being 100% selfless and giving all of the time only burns you out and then both of you are frustrated, taking time to recharge sets an example for him and also develops boundaries that , at times, you have to force them to recognize and respect . You force them to respect your needs and not just throw their needs in you face. Believe me it works. Set aside a time that is just yours and then be consistant with it. Get you nails done, read a book , get a pedicure or just sit in the tub, do what makes you feel normal you need this to maintain a bit of yourself. Ommas I am the most tactless person in the world, I sometimes thing--we all hurt people's feelings sometimes. But I've seen some great advice come out of your experiences working at the centre and through your personal struggle.

So you go guy!

And if you step in doo-doo the best you can do is wipe it off your shoe and apologize for the smell and keep walking

swanpetals

amen to that

you are you and he is he

your needs are just as important especially since youre the one taking on the responsibilty of his attention seeking behavior.youre the one who needs the break in turn

when you take a really good self break is an opprotunity for him to take a break too

I want to thank everyone for their extensive responces. It is here that I feel the most understood. You are ALL right I have taken 0 time for myself and spent EVERYTHING on him since the diagnosis with my ADHD hubby thrown in for kicks. SO we are all swimming in the sa,e hole over here just in a different place there. Therapy was yesterday. He conquered his fear of taking a pill,the therapist got him to swallow 2 tic tacs at a time and he was proud. But as soon as the meds were brought up he said his walls came crashing down.

I did offer him Zoloft for his "upset stomach and headaches"(from anxiety), told him the pill was smaller and he said yes. So we might get his anxiety at least medicated and under control. Maybe then he will try the other meds. He says he feels pressure when I am watching him take the Focalin, Can I just look the other way? I might as well, I throw them out anyway everyday(he knows I am concerned he won't take it and want me to be able to hear him. ) INTERESTING! Now I hope the new doc goes along with this plan as the old one refused to medicate until he took the Focalin.

But you are all right in what you said, I really appreciate the comments as I have nowhere else to go right now. Saw his teacher yesterday and she said academically he is doing fine. He could be doing much better she said, with the meds but he is doing good and working hard and more than passing the class. At least this is good news.

His dad left for work yesterday (HE HASN'T BEEN GONE MUCH) and Jake hade a meltdown galore when he left and a hard but ok day at school. I really affected him. So as per psychologists order I am to learn how to play a sports game on the WII system so I can play like dad(OMG RIGHT) when he is gone. I think I'll learn bowling. It looks the easiest. This is a huge joke as I am the worst at anything beyound a keyboard(and not great at that)

Well another long post, But I just wanted to thank everyone.

It isn't going to matter how good you are at the video game it going to be the fact that you are playing the game with him. You might get some little prizes like dollar store toys to give your son immediately after he takes his meds as a reward he took it. Or give him a quarter or something each day to save up to buy something he wants. [QUOTE=spamula]

It's a start--he didn't get this way in a day and it could take a bit of time to get him moving along Is there another way to get pills down him, say, crushed into a milkshake or something?

YAY You sooooooooo needed some positives!

Does it have to be one of their games? Do you like puzzles or cards [eucre etc] because there are LOTS of those online! Me, I'm a role playing game fanatic such as Neverwinter Nights

Well another long post, But I just wanted to thank everyone.

Hang in there--it looks like it's improving a bit! And take care of yourself

[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=spamula]

Hey, things are looking up!

Don't worry about that bit. Get to confrontation later, it will wait. Right now the walking away is working. YAY for you! YAY for you having the moxy to walk away!

I have told him I will not be abused yet if he needs me I am here. He cried when he went to bed cause he was sad he was gone. It was sad. He had agreed to take that "Stomach pill"(Zoloft Probably) sp that is a first step.

That's four big YAY! for today!

Thanks to all of you. And I did play WII sports and it wasn't too bad. I lost of course.

He must have loved that. I used to whomp my Mom at scrabble. Nothing better for a kid's confidence than to "teach mom" something and be right

[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=spamula]

So as per psychologists order I am to learn how to play a sports game on the WII system so I can play like dad(OMG RIGHT) when he is gone. I think I'll learn bowling. It looks the easiest. This is a huge joke as I am the worst at anything beyound a keyboard(and not great at that)

[/QUOTE]
I know this is probably the least of your worries, but I just wanted to say that I don't like video games or sports (and I'm terrible at both), but I've played WII sports and it was actually kind of fun! If you can wave either of your arms around, you can play WII sports and you might actually enjoy it. The boxing one is good for releasing anger!
Good luck!

Well I am trying to take in all this advice. Dad is out of town so he thinks he can push me around yet at the same time he is crying and having anxiety attacks that he is gone 1 extra day. I am usung the walk away approach and he ends up calming down and apologizing and acting like nothing happened. I have told him I will not be abused yet if he needs me I am here. He cried when he went to bed cause he was sad he was gone. It was sad. He had agreed to take that "Stomach pill"(Zoloft Probably) sp that is a first step. Thanks to all of you. And I did play WII sports and it wasn't too bad. I lost of course.

spamula39383.2855902778

The anger issues became a big deal for us this year. My son entered into puberty and WWIII started. I changed doctors and started taking him to a psychiatrist that specializes in this area, ADHD and Austim. He had been taken care of by his pediatrician. What difference it has made.

Don't take it personal and remember it is so hard for him sometimes. Be as calm as possible, be as consistant as possible and take time out for yourself. I am starting to enjoy my son again.

Oh yeah the neighbord already know we have him, too late. This has been the week from hell. Since my sons psychologist told us to stop pressuring my son to start taking his meds again he has been horrendous! This is the worst behaivior I have seen yet.

It started when he was diagnosed in June, He became very angry, resentful mean and just horrible to me on a daily basis. He started meds and was great. No bad behaivior. Now HE has decided to sop them. Before the DX he was just Hyperactive and unable to focus but very sweet and loving. Now OMG he is a train wreck.

I do not know how much more of this I can take. Yesterday he came home with almost no homework(had to copy 1 paper) and screamed at me the entire day and evening non-stop. then like nothing happened he asked me to lay with him to go to sleep. I don't think so. My husband knew how upset I was so he layed with him for 20 min or so till he drifted off. I am at my end and this is just begining. I do not think this is ODD he is not violent in any way (yet anyway) or have any violent thoughts, and it happened overnight. Just like that, from nice boy to mean Jerk daily. And he still doesn't see the need for meds(you gotta be kidding me) I now believe he thinks this is my fault and is punishing me or something as he is not like this with his father. Granted he is scared of his Dad(rightfully so for those of you who know what happened last week) but he is not like this with anyone else but me. Why do I get the brunt of all the frustration? And how can he not see how the meds make everything for him better? School is easier, homework is easy, life is just easier. DUH!

Just needed to vent as I am going crazy over this and cannot take much more of it.

spamula39380.2349189815

You know my son was mad last night as well, wouldn't study for some tests. We have had that going on this week. But the one thing in my house is, he will take his meds, no if's and's or but's! Even when he gives us a hard time, he is still MADE to take them. DS would be a mess without them!!

I don't know why mine has been acting this way this week, I never can figure all the stuff out, but it doesn't do us any good to yell back at him, I think that just teaches him to yell at us!

This stuff is so hard on us parents. Thank goodness for these boards. It is a great place to vent!!

spamula, he acts this way toward you and no one else because you love him unconditionally. He can take all his frustration out on you and you will always love him. Please don't take it personally he is only a little boy who is hurting right now.

That siad, you should not have to be treated this way. He is pushing your buttons and you're letting him. Just becasue the psych says stop pressuring him about meds, that doesnt mean let him do what he wants. You still need to be Mom. If he cant behave appopriately send him to be alone. DO NOT FIGHT WITH HIM. No yelling. If he's yelling, tell him there is no way you will get into this, and walk away. It's really really hard, but do it. If you have to spend a whole entire day doing this, it's worth it. If he follows you to keep up the fight, send him to his room to be alone and leave. He is not allowed with the rest of the family until he can be calm and civil. If he outright refuses to do his homework, let him. DO NOT fight about it. Tell him, fine you will send a note saying he refused. No tv, computer, games...etc until he earns it back by showing you the completed homework, then do not even talk to him unless he is eing nice.

Thank you for responding, I am looking forward to hearing from you Metis. I can't believe I just wrote this but as I sit here in tears that haven't stopped since last night I know you are right Diane. I just need to walk away. SO HARD! He just follows and yells. I guess I am the only comfortable one here for him so he lets it all out on me. I have my own issues and cannot take much more of this. I haven't slept or eaten in weeks and my health is in the toilet. The stress is killing me. I am going to call the psych today and give him an update on the week cause he sees Jake 1st and us after. I want him to know what is going on. Now we are going to have to change him after the end of the year due to insurance reasons(he isn't on it) and we can no longer afford to pay for him. I feel bad about that but If I find someone good I guess he should adjust. I just can't stand to be around him anymore and feel guilty about that.