sibling rivalry | ADHD Information

OK so I need a bit of advise.  I am a single mother of two boys. the oldest who has just turned 12 , who has adhd and my youngest who is 8 and does not. Both of my boys are very bright kids and most of the time they at least try to get along. I try to make sure that I am spending time  with both of them individually however when my older boy is having difficulty , causing stress and then behavior issues he becomes much more demanding of my time which then  prevents me from spending time with the younger.  This causes resentment and anger from the younger boy and to be honest I am @ my wits end.  My adhd son  is going through a particularly stressful period right now which means the behaviors are out of control and he has escalated to reacting physically towards the younger child. I try isolation (sending him tohis room) and he refuses to stay, resulting in more of my attention being sapped away.  Any advise that I can get would be helpful.  We are currently working on the source of his stress but progress is not being made quickly enough and I am lost as to how to make things different.  [QUOTE=swanpetals]OK so I need a bit of advise.  I am a single mother of two boys. the oldest who has just turned 12 , who has adhd and my youngest who is 8 and does not. Both of my boys are very bright kids and most of the time they at least try to get along. I try to make sure that I am spending time  with both of them individually however when my older boy is having difficulty , causing stress and then behavior issues he becomes much more demanding of my time which then  prevents me from spending time with the younger.  This causes resentment and anger from the younger boy and to be honest I am @ my wits end.  My adhd son  is going through a particularly stressful period right now which means the behaviors are out of control and he has escalated to reacting physically towards the younger child. I try isolation (sending him tohis room) and he refuses to stay, resulting in more of my attention being sapped away.  Any advise that I can get would be helpful.  We are currently working on the source of his stress but progress is not being made quickly enough and I am lost as to how to make things different.  [/QUOTE]

I don't know if this will work but I would try it before the nice men in white coats haul away mommy

If it gets too bad then the older boy is acting up--take the younger one OUT with you. I say this because:
The older one is getting NO attention for the behaviourIt will create time chill out the situationThe younger one will get your undivided attention. However, be careful you don't focus on his "victimhood". Just go shopping or something.Also, unless it's growing violent--let THEM work it out. Otherwise you are playing mommy-in-the-middle and BOTH of them will go for that little game

I'm sure others will have better suggestions but at least that's a to thinking about getting some peace in your house.

Good luck

It sounds like your older son needs additional evaluation for co-existing conditions and the complecations of puberty to better optimize his treatment.

My youngest had rage periods when she was most stressed. We were worried that her rage and violence would turn to her sister so we would send her to her own room when things were bad. Between rages we explained that her room was a place of refuge where she needed to go while out of control and when she was calm we would deal with the issue that was bothering her. When she would get into a rage, we would calmly tell her to go to her room and as soon as she went, we would praise her for complying and then would avaid engaging her during the rage. When she would calm down, I would praise her for getting a handle on herself and praise her for expressing her anger appropriately (also lots of coaching on appropriate anger expression - such as giving her words to use). The rages got shorter and milder as she learned to express her anger in a more appropriate manner. We then added meds (as we were through the diagnostic process) and the combo of medical treatment and behavior managment is really great. They still have issues from time to time but it is so much better.

Remember that a 12 year old ADHD kid has the maturity of an 8 year old so is acting in a manner that is inappropriate for his age and needs to be coached as though he were 8. I have scheduled 1on1 time with each child, which is harder for a single parent. Since I work, I had to give up a clean house to spend time with the kids and still have "down-time" for myself (I can clean when they go to college). The oldest loves book stores and the youngest loves games. The stronger the parent/child bond, the more the child will want to please the parent. I had to rebuild this bond because the rages had torn us apart. My husband is now rebuilding the bond to get a more positive relationship with the youngest.